Shame woven into me, to escape the things I've done. In shadow it reminds me, it's a battle that can't be won.

Fingerprints along the walls, that match my very hand. It holds to gently or grips to tight, and lost is the magic sand.

Where were you all that time ago, when I needed strength the most? Now my past self haunts me, like the lingering of a ghost.

Never is there a witch when you need one, to cast a magic spell. Circles drawn and cauldrons bubbled, the day I saved myself from hell.

As if it blossoms in the moonlight, white flower tainted red. Poisoned by the lies you told, wishing it where dead.

Beautiful flower it once was, so delicate to touch. Who could ever fathom, that a lie could destroy so much.

I watch it wilt, and fade away under the burning sun. The truth is barried within itself, in this battle no one has won.

It struggles to keep strong, but it only controls so much. It wilts at the very thought, that another could have your touch.

Its petals fall without your care, you left it here to die. This flower once full of beauty, was destroyed with a single lie.

I don't sleep well
Most nights I wake up repeatedly
In hot air and panic
In midnight intervals
My mind overtaking my capacity to drift off
And nightmares overtaking dreams
I don't sleep very well
But I think I could
With your arms wrapped around me
Skin folding into mine
Hands moving down the trail of my spine
I think I could
With your breath in my ear
And palms along my curves
In the spaces of my back
I think I could
If waking up
Meant rolling over
To kiss your lips
If it meant
Tracing the lines of your body
And learning every part of it
I think I could sleep comfortably
If I had you
Next to me.

I stacked you up so wonderfully.
Hand poised,
Fingers light.
Made a beautiful home to call my own. Yet it all so quickly fell apart. A
King and Aces lay dead at my feet, Slaughtered by my instability.
Murdered by the very hand who built a home and promised love.
Shuffle the deck,
Count the endless possibilities.
Ironic that hearts are my favorite suit, Yet I always pull spades.
Compose and begin again.
I keep building homes with cards,
Then become shocked when it all falls apart.

Do you remember
The first time you held somebody's hand
Felt the way their skin pulsed against yours
How your heart attempted to escape from your chest
And your stomach became home to 10 million moths
Flying into the light all at once
Do you remember
The nervous laughs
And the smile that lay between pigmented cheeks
Drawn from admiration
And bliss
How you never before found glow
In a lantern not your own
Do you remember
The lips that first wiped you of your sanity
How they brushed against yours with  seemingly perfect unision
Replayed over and over again
Heart reminding brain
Reminding body
How good it felt to be loved
To be touched
If that could be bottled
If any of the first time nostalgia and discovery
Could be placed in a glass jar
And preserved
Than we would need no reminder
Of how it felt to feel
And how it felt to be
Alive.

I see the skyline of the city at sunset. Smoke from my cigarettes rises, Dancing around us.
We sit in silence,
Watching the sky darken.
I look at you,
Take in every strong line of your face.
I notice in the fading light,
Just how stunning your carmel skin looks intertwined in my milky white hand.
I inhale in the darkness,
Letting it envelope me.
Fireworks start to erupt in the distance. I exhale,
watching as they glow in sympathy. Stardust and sprinkling colors surround.
I smile,
It's so magical with our mountain view. You kissed me tonight,
as I thought you should.
Perhaps it was the whisky,
That made us so bold.
I don't know why it is,
That I couldn't help but kiss you back. Even though I knew,
It wouldn't last longer then fireworks and a cigarette.

If I could
I would pack up my life
And drive across the Continent
To settle someplace new
And colder because I hate heat.

If I could
I would write poetry all day
And watch movies all night
Until I'm ready
To brave the world again.

If I could
I would join a dance class
And learn the basic
Foxtrot, waltz, and cha cha
Until I could twirl around
A ballroom
From sunrise to sunset.

If I could
I would "catch them all!"
And find the joy
In all the missed days
Of my childhood.

If I could
I would give back
All the years I took
From you.
The advice you gave
Both willingly and not.
The love we shared
Both unconditional and not.
The future I prevented
You from achieving or not.
And I'd give back
Whatever else you want.

If I could
I would...

At 10:32 at night
There isn't much I can do,
Except say to you
Goodnight.

Or maybe even,
Goodbye.

One day when you lose the very person who makes your heart want to beat every moment for the rest of time and you no longer have the strength to find meaning in the simple joys of the daily mundane human life because there is no one to share it with anymore....

Then you'll know
What watching you
Walk out of my life felt like.

Then you'll understand
Me.