Hello.
I would like to introduce myself
But I can’t find a name that suits my ever-changing existence

So let me try to explain

My name is Soldier
A name given to me by a person who’s far gone
But the name still sticks
Appearing at the bottoms of emails and nothing more
Leaving a smirk on my face each time
Giving myself that little piece of strength I need to press send

I do fight battles
Not those that people can see happening
But ones that stay nestled at the back of my mind
Hitting like waves when my guard is down
Drowning me in sorrows, loneliness, and numbness
Combated by nothing but thinly pressed pills

But that’s no way to earn a name
Given to those who selflessly fight for those around them
But yet maybe I do
Just in a different way
We all fight our own battles
Jumping in front of metaphorical bullets daily

My name is Confusion
Not only for the things around me
But about who I am and where I’m going
This past year has changed a lot
From jobs, to values, to mind set
Leaving me in a swirl of questions that only I can answer
But those are answers I do not have

I don’t know who I am
I don’t know what I will become
But sitting in this moment I know I won’t be the same me 5 years from now
So I try to take it day by day
Repeating the words that are now engraved in my mind
Don’t worry till you have to, right?

And on the days where that isn’t enough

My name is Changed
Wishing so desperately to stay where I am but wanting to go further
Waiting until I step too far
Falling between the cracks in my heart
Hoping to grasp onto something that will keep me from changing
Before I hit the floor and lose everything

At the back of my mind I always picture a room
Nothing there but boxes of old memories and mistakes of my past
A simple bulb hanging from the crumbling ceiling
One that people keep changing after I left it to burn out

I don’t always understand why they change it
But it seems that with the person I’ve become there is still a piece of something left
But I don’t see it
Blinded by the thoughts that race through my mind
Making me question more and more why I’m still here

My name is Vacant
Random midnight walks in unpleasant weather
Not knowing where I’m going
But feeling the urge to go anywhere but where I am
Freezing to the point of numbness but still moving forward
Using the numbing burn to distract my mind
The physical pain reflecting the pharmaceutical numbness coursing through my blood
Never fully feeling any emotion
Just coasting along
Enveloped in a security blanket I never asked for
Making the life around me seem dull
Distant
Teetering my being along the line between lost and found

I don’t know who I am
I don’t know what I will become
Searching for nothing more than the feeling of finally being found
Whether that be in the darkness of midnight streets
Or in the extended arms of family
Blood or found


Hello.
My name is Talia? No
Atlas? No
Ace? No
Riley
But that is subject to change
So don’t get too attached to it
Just like the person I am
Because that is subject to change as well
But maybe,
Just maybe,
This time I’ve found a name that suits my ever-changing existence

I’m growing
I’ve grown
And I’m not done growing
Just try to stop me
I dare you
Cause this is just my beginning

Hello.
I would like to introduce myself
But I can’t find a name that fits this shell

So let me try to explain

My name is Soldier
A name given to me by a person who’s far gone
But the name still sticks
Appearing at the bottoms of emails and nothing more
Leaving a smirk on my face each time
Giving myself a little piece of strength I need to press send

I do fight battles
Not those that people can see happening
But ones that stay nestled at the back of my mind
Hitting like waves when my guard is down
Drowning me in sorrows, loneliness, and numbness
But that’s no way to earn a name
Given to those who selflessly fight for those around them
But yet maybe I do
Just in a different way

My name is Confusion
Not only for the things around me
But about who I am and where I’m going
This past school year has changed a lot
From friends, to values, to mind set
Leaving me in a swirl of questions that only I can answer
But those are answers I do not have

I don’t know who I am
I don’t know what I will become
But sitting in this moment I know I won’t be the same me 5 years from now
So I try to take it day by day
Repeating the words that are now engraved in my mind
Don’t worry till you have to, right?

And on the days where that isn’t enough

My name is Changed
Wishing so desperately to stay where I am but wanting to go further
Waiting until I step too far
Falling between the cracks in my heart
Hoping to grasp onto something that will keep me from changing
Before I hit the floor and lose everything
At the bottom I always picture a room
Nothing there but boxes of old memories and a little red light
One that people keep turning back on after I left it to burn out

I don’t always understand why they change it
But it seems that with the person I’ve become there is still a piece of something left
But I don’t see it
Blinded by the thoughts that race through my mind
Making me question more and more why I’m still here

My name is Lost
Random midnight walks
Never having somewhere to go
But feeling the urge to go anywhere but where I am
Keep walking, running
Sprinting blocks at a time
Home becoming less of a place and more of an idea
Never fully set somewhere but constantly changing

I don’t know who I am
I don’t know what I will become
But my legs will carry me
Searching for nothing more than the feeling of finally being found
Whether that be in the darkness of midnight streets
Or in the extended arms of family
Blood or found

Hello.
My name is Talia
But that is subject to change
So don’t get too attached to it
Just like the person I am
Because that is subject to change as well
Just hopefully I can find the name I belong to
Even if it’s something new

Intensely

Numbing
Enough to
Violently
Erase
Relief

Hiding
Under always
Running
Time and

Allowing
Nights to
Yield
Bandages
Of
Deformed
Y**earning

Sweet desolation
****** at me
Like the frigid fingers of death
Creeping slowly closer
Hiding in the rifts of my happiness
Waiting
For a chance
A chance to pull me under
Finding purchase in my memories
Distorting them
Killing the weak
And defacing the strong
Never to be the same

The desolated parts of me
And lost time
Hiding from the monster in my closet
That’s now in my head
I welcomed it
Thinking it would vanish
But looking back to find it
Crawling through my very being
Growing as a deadly cancer
But keeping me alive as food
Until the time
It’s strong enough to take me away

Clouds tinted orange and blue
Welcomed the sun into the world of the mundane
An array of light
Setting the moon to sleep
And cradling the sun like a mother’s arms
Passing through every shade of red
Then settling to vivid blues
A performance only seen by those awake in the early hours
Giving each a reason to smile
And standing as a reminder of what could be
With only a splash of colour

Hello!
I would introduce myself
But I can’t find a name that fits this shell
So let me try to explain

My name is Soldier
Founded in a time when I could take anything
But most just see me bear through what I can lately
Now I stay hidden between the folds in my heart that are never seen
Blown away with the wind of my open arms
And used constantly attached to pieces seen only by few

This name can make me seem cold
Distant
Almost nullified
But it holds my heart safely
Hidden from the days of mental beatings
Somehow waltzing through the door in waves
Giving me strength to walk into tomorrow

My name is Metathesiophobia
But most call me the fear of change
I manifest in that new schedule that won’t stay the same
People choosing to come and go
Using your heart as a new door mat
New plans
Never discussed, just plans
Or never fully knowing what will be to come

My name is Autophobia
But most call me the fear of abandonment
That little tick at the back of your mind
Reminding you ever now and then
This won’t last
This isn’t your home
They W I L L leave

This name can affect my acts
Make me seem clingy
Almost obsessive
Broken into puzzle pieces
Stolen by those passing by
They sit for only a moment
Then  f   l   e   e  to new adventures
Leaving you just a little less complete

My name is Philophobia
But most call me the fear of falling in love
With the common moniker of their worst nightmare

Don’t worry
I only strike when it’s too late to protect yourself
Leaving you on the ground
Gulping for air like a fish just fresh from the sea

I’m a shapeshifter
Taking form of that “new girl”
That guy with all the weird ideas
Someone you never thought was me
Or that one that you’ll never see again

I’ll try to be nice
But no promises

Hello.
My name is Soldier
Metathesiophobia
Autophobia
Philophobia
My name
Is whatever you want it to be

The door is always open
Just make sure if you choose to stay a while
Hang your hat
Take a load off
And shut the door behind you when you turn to leave
Because after the scars left over my sunken shoulders
I won’t bear to be able to let another take your place

They tell me
It’s just a nightmare
No its not
It’s real
It’s my imagination

I can’t explain
How it finds what it shows
All I know is it never slows

The fear
The pain
The hurt

As they linger
A little longer
I try to find a place to hide
But I’m always trapped in my mind

There’s no escape from the cries at night
No end to the tears in the morning

There is good that comes around too
Not nearly as often
But it’s there
Hiding in the back
Sometimes it tries to comfort me
Try’s to help me feel at ease
It helps at first but always gives up

My imagination makes me who I am
Makes me run or make a stand

There is love and there is life
But there is also pain and fright
Each has a spot within my soul
But one always seems to take control

I jump out of my skin when I hear it knock
Once… twice… hide

It always finds me
No matter how hard I try
Where am I safe?
Where am I free?

No!
Not again!
Here it comes
Ready for the hunt
Ready to haunt me
And never to stop

My calls for help are never heard
Never found
Always forgotten

Maybe if I give in
The torture will end
And I will be free once again

Look left
Look right
Neither side has found me yet
I have to go
I have to run

I can’t see where I have to go
But I need to get out
That’s all I know

I can’t wait any longer
I have to go
Now is my only chance

I run and run
And run
And run
And run
But I’m not getting anywhere

They say your imagination can’t hurt you
Then why am I running?
Why do I have to escape?

Here they come
Running after me
Closing in
Closer and closer

I can smell the scent of sour milk from my left
The bad must be there
I dare not glance

To my right
The scent of fresh cut grass and fresh air
The good

I try to move to the right but to no avail
The scents are mixing
Changing each other
They are all around me

I start to scream
Scream for help for light
But the darkness is closing in
Its winning

I have to be strong work with the good
Change my fate
I look to the right to see the good is gone
Lost like the wind
Nowhere to be seen

Why?
Why me?
Things are going to be different now
Darker
BETTER

No
I have to fight
Change everything

I start to think of the memories
The lake
My family
Colour
Love

All I see is black
I’ve lost
Changed

I hold on to the good memories till it hurts
The darkness
Taking anything I have to offer

Hold on
Don’t let go
Don’t give up

I can’t!
It’s too strong compared to me
I have to give in

This can’t be it!
But it’s taking over
Pulling me as far under as it can
Farther and farther

My last goodbye
My last day
My last breath
Darkness is all I see

Trees sway
As a slight breeze intertwines itself
With each solitary leaf
Reaching out like attenuated fingers
Touching each branch tenderly
Slowly passing by
Leaving a chill in its wake

You will find me
Motionless
Under the willow
Stirred only by the brooding thoughts
Of yesterday
A meaningless shadow of me
Like a leaf in the wind
I am unbound from all ties
Free to float into my deepest thoughts
Cascading slowly through them
As they envelope me
And lay me to rest