When we were knee high we couldn't wait to be where we are now
high school didn't matter but god did we ever
stress about the little things that weren't so little in our eyes.
School was just a thing we couldn't wait to be rid of
our friends were gonna last forever no matter what our parents said
we had our lives all figured out.

Now we're college drop outs paying bills in apartments
you picked out with that person you thought was the one
left at square one wishing for your youth back
so you can shake your ******* teenage shoulders
and scream to smarten up cause they were right.
They were right.

The world was once alive
Back when it was new and pushed the limits of sane
And didn’t give a ****

The world grew fame
And fell for the moon, while they skyrocketed backwards
Not giving a ****

Yet the world crashed
Burned and grew still with the utter feeling of emptiness
And no one gave a ****

as the sun sets
we meet as they sleep
and pour our hearts into each other


and as the sun rises
we wake intertwined
and whisper our morning hello's

this is perfection at its best

It’s been a long time coming
Three years on, two years gone
Yet we still manage to collide
Headfirst back into each other’s lives
With manic conversations catching up and singing verses
They always lead to heated meetings
at the bar at the show where you said you’d never be
Back to my place for a beer or 3
but nothing good ever happens after 2am
And you know that as well as me.

Im sorry I’m not good enough for you always,
But for now I’ll be good enough for this week
Until you meet the girl of your dreams,
I’ll keep you company.
I’ll keep you company.

Walls are melting
your ceilings third eye criss-crosses for eons before my eyes
and somewhere through the Nag Champa haze
I found your pulsating soul calling my name
without words our bodies meld into one another
My soul vibrating with your touch
my dead weight body coming alive with your kiss
our serpent tongues desperate for flesh
our ripened fruit ready for one another to grab a bite
My soul is whole
My flesh is flushed

basically to be frank I feel like I’m in a constant state of limbo

not happy nor sad somewhere bouncing in the in between

fooling myself with other prospects who drop a hint or two

laughing at the state of things, myself and you

At this point its hard not to deny we were better off back then on both sides.

I smile at the thought of that.

I smile.

I open my eyes and there you are
I close my eyes and there he is
I open again and you look scared
I close them tight and he smiles back

His soft remarks, my soft reply
Your tender hands, my loving sigh
His questioning stares as to why I never smile
Your lack of interest in someone else's problems

His love for her
Your love for me
My heart has split in two

I'm his baby girl
curled up in his arms
kissing his lips,
his cheeks
his neck
down
down
past his chest
anticipating
down
down
past pant lines
see he's up
zipper down
down
till I've got him
wrapped around my tongue
baby girl?
no
I'm your *****
now moan

I've memorized the dance routine to get down my creaky staircase;
left two three, right two three, spin, skip and check.
Then quickly get into the garage for a way-past-bedtime cigarette.
Once I’m done, I quietly walk into the living room to check on her.
Although my mother has a large bedroom,
her hips are so brittle she's claimed the living room as her nighttime retreat.
My stomach churns with guilt as our puppy leaves her side
tail wagging excited to come greet me,
something she never does for my mom.
Alone on the couch,
her desperate attempt for the shared affection our dog gives her children
clearly having failed; I nearly collapse from the guilt.
If only I could force that dog
to give her the one thing she needs, craves and deserves.
Why must the world be so hard for some, and easy for others.
Where people have their lives destroyed,
their lovers killed, their passions crushed
and others sail through it all in bliss.
Why can’t this ******* puppy go back to sleeping at my mother's feet
to show she loves her as much as my brother and I,
instead of following me back up the stairs.


A clumsy dog wouldn't know to avoid that bottom step,
my mother wakes to cold feet.

Il est a moi,
Il n'est pas.
Il est ma vie,
Il va surement etre mon deces.
Il me fait sourire tant que je suis pres,
Il me fait sourire tant qu'elle ne l'est pas.
Ma tete c'est quoi ne pas faire,
Mon coeur c'est seulement ce qui pourrait etre.

You're trying to be anything but what you see in the mirror
everyone says you're full of this potential you can't see,
as if there's something more to you
some hidden side
subdued glimmer of hope.

It's been 16, 17, 18 years and you still can't see
through the eyes of those around you.
Everyday you peer into the mirror
and only see you,
never changing, nothing special
lackluster in comparison to what they all see.

One day something will happen and you'll see
or one day someone will come and help show you,
That you are perfect, you are loved,
and you are full of potential.

What we need
is impossible to achieve;
What we feel, is not the same
As what we once felt
Our love has turned to nothing more
than heartless boughts of heated intimacy
Achieved without an ounce of passion;
We're run dry, yet we can't let go
So we cling on;

I don't believe in heaven
Most days
But when November comes around
I feel dread
For I've let him down
Oh the damage I have caused
For me to
Think I'd
Be the glue
For my family
That was him;
Mother at bay
Son on close gaurd
and his daughter
in his arms..
Big shoes I chose to fill
I swore I'd do it for him
Frankly,
I've forgotten;
No longer strong, I've fallen.
No longer able to walk the tight wire
I've fallen
And every November
I remember
I've failed

My diary bit me last night
It bit my hand then lunged for my throat
So I tore it’s pages to shreds and lit fire
My memories, some not missed, but most will be.

It screamed and cussed as it burst into flames
Thrashed and trashed its outer cover
While still aiming for my throat
I sat back and found another book

As I wrote I promised I’d come back when the flames died
The diary still wearing itself out
Other books said I lie, but my promise I would keep
No matter how scuffed up the cover turned out

My first love was my favorite,
his hungry eyes would only soften with my smile
and his arms were my haven.
I spent days memorizing his skin
every crevice, every freckle, every scar
his body was my favorite book
and mine was his.
He loved more than I ever could
and I took it for granted
I lost my chance at love
his eyes have now found someone else
his heart no longer in my care
nothing will compare to my first love
until I find my last

Nothing good ever happened after 3 am

So I got pills to knock me out before then

I fell
Into a bottomless pit.
I crawled
And screamed to no prevail.
I threw myself
Into this volcano.
I’ll meet my fate
And burn.

The blood trickles up my throat
and back down as I swallow it whole
I wipe it clean and pray you won’t ever find me
I’m not as perfect as you think,
I get a little help from my finger wiped clean,
I’ll burn my throat and **** myself
inside then out.
And I just pray you won’t find out
I pray you won’t find out.

The lulling sounds of the river
mixed with tribal drum beats
pushes us to our feet,
and with one exhale
the room finally bursts to life;
Lights enhance the swirling mass
that dances through the rays
slowly seeping into our tired and damaged lungs
and hypnotizing our fried minds.

Setting:
One bedroom apartment, run down
Hasn't been cleaned for months
Leaning back on a three legged couch
Chain smoking at 7PM with the sun setting
Through the black out curtains pinned to the wall
With some edgy alt-pop ******* on shuffle.
Dagger in hand questioning what is real and what is fake.
What makes a person? Their name? Their past, their presence?
Who will I be known as when I pass
Will they mourn the sulking writer who drank and smoked her life away?
Will they lay to rest the prepubescent drama queen and avid book enthusiast?
Or will they bury the dreams of this girl possibly pulling herself together to make something great.

I'm looking out your windows one last time,
glancing upon the garden bed where seeds were planted
but the winter froze their roots from digging deeper
into the promisingly rich soil
and all around I see the patches where green grass once grew
when summer brought this house nothing but good news
and as lovers we scorched through the mossy grass
till nothing was left but barren paths

I step from room to room, lackluster compared to what I once knew
I know not to brush my fingers 'cross your walls like before
for with the slightest of gestures your bricks will crumble.
More still, dust covers places I swore would never grow so barren,
and the floor boards wail in pain, unable to bear much more than my weight
you're not as strong as I thought you were at the start.
once able to hold all promises of the future
now slowly falling apart

Would you be proud of me
Or have I forsaken you;
Abandoning the family I promised to save;
Am I selfish? To want better?
To have better in my hands and leave them to rot;
Is this something I brought upon myself?
Did I cause them to curdle and rot?
Am I the only sane one around or maybe I'm just sour milk as well.
Way past overdue, in a crowded fridge
God forgot me like the rest of them.

Their minds refuse to pace themselves
Their hearts refuse to wait
Their faces split in twos one day
Their souls once pure do taint

Their goals will slip
Their dreams do shake
Their honesty no longer exists
Their lying
Their cheating
Their struggle for power
Their need for attention from anyone

Their morals have changed for the worst
Their pants have turned to mini skirts
Their study dates turn to bush bashes
Their 'never shall I ever's' turn to 'always'

They all turn into the things
They swore they would never be
Once they go through high school

Longing for those that destroy me:

Could be the diagnosis
Or condition i fear to be diagnosed
Could be daddy issues
Or mommy, or both

I strive for days i feel the sun
But those days come few to none
Instead i feel the moons stare
And watch its friends nod me on

At first glance
A night alone seems promising
A chance to sprawl out
Into your side and mine
Or watch tv shows you just don't like
No need to be cautious of suspecting mothers
Or respectful to sleeping partners

The difference between
Thoughts and reality
Come clearer as midnight approaches
And I curl up onto my side
Arm outstretched, waiting
For you to curl up next to me
So I can drift off
To the lullaby your body makes
As it sinks into a deep slumber

Then I realize no ones there
To make sure my feet are tucked in
Or give me a good night kiss
And wish me sweet dreams

No night is pleasant
When you aren't spending it
Next to me

Dear god if there is a god
let this music drown the voices that scream at night
let the ***** sink in deep
let me be able to voice my mind yet still bite my tongue
when conversations get too deep
let me be willing to wait until tomorrow
to down the pills or break my vow
help me be strong for my mind is weak
help me be stable for my body shakes
help me get to tomorrow, help me see the sun rise.
Help me
Save me
Dear god I hope you're really there

what am I other than drugs
burn marks
deep scars
cigarette smoke
and lengthy bar tabs.
Would you even like me
beside the fact;
do I even like me
beside the fact.

NO

no
            no
     no                 no
                    no                       no              no

no                                    no
                  no                                 no
                                                                                                                      



                                                                                                   ..no..


                        ..please..





                                                                no..

They made me feel
uncomfortable
undesirable
And I always felt like I was never enough.
How sick was my mind to think it was love
that hurt and lies could ever occur
when two hearts become one?

I think I'm in love
with perfection disguised in
lonely broken souls

With a face and voice like that you’d never guess
the girl was five foot ten
she walks in and towers above the image
you expected
a girl pushing five feet, dainty, even whimsical
but surely petite
she’s far from petite

This girl sympathizes with transgender bodies
yet envies those who succeed
Hormones and knives can fix gods mistake
but nothing can fix me
so women will sit dreaming of dropping pounds
and she dreams of dropping feet
never complete

Psychs and shrinks digress this to be nothing more
than another disorder
Her views on herself are simply brushed off
as body dysmorphia
yet therapy nor pills shall shake her desire
to fix gods mistake
by freeing her soul of this giant hell hole
leaving it for someone else to take.

I'd like to applaud the dickwads who found the need
to stomp on my toes and bring me to my knees
only moments after the emotionally crippled girl
superglued the final pieces of shattered knee cap bones,
Bravo to you former close friends,
for setting off the final fuse of complete self destruction in t minus ten.

Mental snap, Olivia Addams is back

Tonight
I pretend that you're by my side
Instead of hers

Forever
In your arms and in my heart
Forever yours

Maybe when this all works out
We can be more than what we are
I can be yours like you're already mine

I presume I shall never let go
Of what we could be, what we should be
Yours, mine, ours, hers, or me

Running barefoot through the front lawn
of a vacationing parent's home.
Thousands of stars staring us down
while we took our self prescribe medication,
numbing ourselves while we sank back
into tonight's lovers arms.
Reaching a peak of ecstasy,
heads in their laps pouring our hearts out,
while we sip back home made wine
and expensive foreign beer under dim lights.
It's here our bodies meet and melt
into the plaid cushioned bedroom we fashioned.

If I had it my way
I'd spend each day by your side
and each night in your arms
for the rest of my days
for the rest of yours;
No quarrel shall last
more than an hour
no tears shall be shed
out of sadness;
But most of all
no longer shall your heart
ache for me at any time
for I shall always be there
when you need me most.

We all have our secrets
Our demons
Our baggage.
We all put up a front to the world.
We show people that our lives are perfect;
That we’re tough ****,
That we don’t care or that we do
We create our own little fantasy world
Starring the better version of ourselves,
The ones we wish we were.
And we act it out every time we leave the confides of our home. Everyone is fake,
Everyone.

First we are born
Taken into the shelter and warmth
Mud and animals we see
And tender hands we touch

Our insides burst and seep and we scream
But tender hands caress these things
That have sprung out from my body

Now we see this place in whole
The dark is not our haven any more

She enjoys the confined space
and the long lonely hours
spent inhaling day old hot dog fumes
underneath flickering florescent lights;
With pen in hand and pad nearby
she scrambles to invent new lives
for strange passerby's
as they buy their coffee
and expired chocolate candy bars

Nothing good ever happened after three am except you,
toxic whirlwind of bad decisions landing me in a
half wired half lit static stasis
half dressed, half mess, covered in ******* and pabst;
Maybe you're the bad thing after three
Maybe if we stay up a little longer it'll cancel out the last few years.

***** and shucks aside
We roll this way and that
Your hand never leaves my side;
Wrapped around my waist line or
******* in my "adorable" red *******.
Your fingers never moved an inch
Away from me that night
Even at 3 when you realized you hogged
The whole blanket you wrapped it
Right back around me.
And you never left.
Never turned your back.
Hippy haired boy
Youre gonna destroy me.
Post ******* punker
With a heart so big I don't know how
To feel.

Somewhere way back when
I took a wrong turn down the wrong track
and now it seems there is no way back;
They tell me I've come so far
they say there's no point in turning 'round
yes somewhere along the way
better things will come
or another path will open
just keep on going
and going
till you find
your better times

but

what happens when they never come

I’ve found love at the age of 18

true love if it lasts

a great love even if it doesn't;

It scares me to think in a few months time I might not be here anymore

I can barely go a few days without kissing him, hearing him

but if this is true love, it will work

and if it isn't, there’s still time to enjoy what we have;

I swear that I will never hurt him

and he swears to me he’ll do the same

so if it’s true love our promises will hold

and if it isn't, it’s a lesson learnt;

But whether our hearts are pure or not

I know in my gut I’d do anything for him

and I know he’d do the same

so if that isn’t true love, if this doesn’t last

then I won’t be able to look at the world the same.

Old soul, your old eyes
those crows feet I used to sit and count
1, 2, 3, how many were there again?
I'm starting to forget;
The laugh, the voice,
the smell of your day old hair.
The desperation in your feet at night.
But that smile, I'll never forget.
The way you smiled at me,
one day, someday
I hope your smile fades like the rest.

No one can accept the person outside
Too much, little said
Pretty and plastic is what I should be
Yet I fall under the opposite
Ugly

Flimsy and bulgy imperfection always
Teach me to be like the others
Nothing but perfect or so they seem
Flawless, beautiful
Thin

Much leaves my mouth
Little enters
Pounds drop, bones brittle
Blood stops, yet it pours
Seeps

I'll fade away till you cant see
The ugly that lies
The blood flows free
Before I am too old
I'll die
Young

Hello stranger, masked friend
Come to watch me sleep again?
Walk behind my shadow
falling down onto the pavement, hard
Footsteps crashing down, hard.
Head snapping backwards as you reach and ****** my hair, hard
Crying as you pull me down the street,
knees scraped,
knees bleed,
feet stumble,
hands fumble,
head spinning,
you grinning,
me screaming,
down the street into the dark.

I look in the mirror, pleased with my progress
slip a finger down my throat until
I get a pang of fear;
I can't wear sweaters everyday to hide my collarbone,
I can't buy new jeans every week I drop an inch,
and the coverup and blush only do so much
for my sunken cheeks and strained jawline.
What do I do
when I can't hide my secret any longer from you;

Finger tips
softly tracing heart beats
Slowly dragging me deep
Into a world I don't deserve

Head slipping underneath
Lungs filling quickly
Possibilities