Darling you were my demise, there is no doubt
******* back the lines until my eyes are dead
Powder princess doped up and checked out

My minds grown foggy as I go through a bout
of self prescribed destruction, slicing skin painted red
Darling you were my demise there is no doubt

Forced insomnia upon my black eyes I shout
Wasting away to bones scars, blood and meds
Powder princess doped up and checked out

Trying to dissect my corrupted mind they scout
for some innocent piece I've long since shed
Darling you were my demise, there is no doubt

They try to save me from snow white's route
but It's too late to try, the monsters been fed
Powder princess doped up and checked out

Oh god dear god if you are here
Please revoke my last few prayers
It wasn't fair, I didn't know
I didn't see what you tried to show.
If I had known, if I had seen
That he would be the one for me
So god please god, I need him now
Don't take him please
So help me god

He says I worry too much
(Well)
I’ll stop worrying when I stop being wrong;
9/10 times is too high to disregard.

I seek you angel of death;
Breath down my spine,
taint my soul with your tongue.
Steal my final breath and relieve me of this burden;
Open my eyes to your world.

Force a grin and agree as
blood trickles off my teeth
then break my word with cold blades.

Trace the rugged path anxiety leaves
up and down my patterned skin
the ****** monster leaves me warm and wanting more

Am I what you wanted
or just what was there when fates door opened
was I desired
or the only one willing to fill the void
have I opened myself
to just another man who wanted so much more
am I just a settlement
until another one decides what you're good for

I took a pickaxe to my heart
and chipped away the poison
clogging my arteries and
slowing my pulse to a whisper;
after years of build up
I finally curbed the beast within
but things were too good to be true.

Now my pulse beats a different tune
to what I've grown so used to
and I no longer crave the poison
that built walls around my heart
leaving me helplessly trying
to figure out what I want
and who I am
without the monster who controlled me

Oh nostalgia, sweet reminder of the past and its perfection
How I despise the moments looking back and thinking
Things were wonderful
Yet with knowledge gained and lovers lost and things turned on its back
I can no longer look back with glazed eyes
Only with wondering, wandering eyes searching for the clues
Of his wandering eyes and his questioning looks towards me
Nostalgia no longer defines the feeling I get when I look at pictures
And see that the boy I was with was looking at her
And to see that the boy she was with was looking at me

Here I am
Trying hard to see the bottom of this hole
but the light was turned off many years ago
And I fear that maybe I will die alone

Here I am
Frantically praying to a god that isn’t there
hoping someone will turn and say ‘I care’
but no one will, they just laugh and stare

Here I am
Desperately seeking an escape from this
but down I fall into the dark abyss
It’s sad to know I won’t be missed

Here I am
Bullet through my heart and out my back
Noose is wrapped tightly round my neck
Pills are downed until I feel a bit sick

I'm no longer here
do you have any regrets?

I want to slip back into old habits
Take the razor blade and dig for a vein
Or maybe the white of my bones
I want to search for myself in there
In the blood and tissue matter
Past the scarred mess he left
Try and find out what makes me tick
Heart or head
Which comes first

With demons at my toes
I curl my feet round yours
Deep within our blanket igloo;
I can trace your bones,
From one shoulder to the next
Until reality comes spiralling forward
And every dark corner
Is slowly forgotten.
Each night I bury my worries into your neck
With a soft slow kiss
As you relish in your deep slumber;
The only time I don't mind
Going unnoticed.

A weekend away
yet, one secular moment
will forever stay

I know your best sides
and  I know your worst.
I know every one of your flaws
and each one I love.
Whether I’m standing there holding you
or on the phone halfway across the world
or even if I’m that faceless person telling you things are OK,
I’ve always been there for you.

But things have changed
I’ve changed, you’ve changed
Months have gone by since that last night,
But love is strange, love is strong,
it finds ways to creep into your veins
and resurface when you least expect it
because true love never dies,
It resurfaces.

As long as there is love left in my veins,
Second chances will always come our way.

Lets climb the abandoned rooftops of downtown
We’ll bury our nails in between slate sheets
till we reach the peak and look at the city below us
and the stars above
and decide which way to go from here
which way now

Pointless, yes
but after this
I swear to you
I'll ween you off your mothers breast
and cut the strings that keep you here
and drive until the path we took is no longer there
Once we're lost
We are saved

Those who look to wrists
Know behind every smile
can lie a dark truth

Lift up my shirt and see the faded patterns
traced upon my sides
down to my knees they travel;
the faint reminder of the years
when I never smiled out of joy.
Trace the broken pattern of a cut out heart;
I was foolish,
I wanted nothing more than love
and in the end it just left me more cuts to trace in later days.
Everything I’ve regretted is visible,
but only to the ones that end up causing them.

I fall to the ground and sip back the poison
Whimpering while the voices scream at me
"You're worthless, you're fat,
you *****, you *******
you're trapped, stuck here with them
you'll never leave your missery,
the years will pass and so will your life
your meaningless life filled with
unaccomplished dreams and failed promises"
I collapse in a pathetic heap
admitting my defeat to them
taking one last sip
as I reach for the gun to shut them up
once and for all

When I have no one to turn to
(which is often)
I opt for drugs to numb my soul
and razor blades to halt my tears
but rather all I get is worse
more scars,
more crashes,
more burns

I envy the binge
Swollen pupils
Red nose
The amount of love you give
The ecstasy you receive
I wish for once i could be that
The happiness you crave
The ****** you need
Spending night after night
Entranced
Spending week after week
Longing
For another hit
Of what ive got to give

We're just seventeen and we're going ******* hard
Hanging downtown, pulling out our fake cards
Sneaking out on weekdays, life is such a chore
Babe you only live once so go crazy

We fall in love for a night then do it all again
Burning cars to the ground and it's only 10
Lying on the street covered in glitter and glass
Streaking in the park and never going to class
Babe you only live once so go crazy

I am calm
the butterflies subsided
my palms dry
heart stabilized
steadily beating as I finish the bottles
left empty on the bedside.
I slip into the dress
put on my face
curl my hair
and stare in the mirror
imagining how I'd look
in a few hours time;
the flush of red in my cheeks long gone
skin grown cold
empty eyes.
I lie down
note at my feet
and wait for the numbness
to take me away
so I can find peace

It never gets old
Each night with you
Your soft snores somehow soothing
Compared to a night alone
In a bed made for two.

Cipralex
Pop three whenever you notice
The oozing and bubbling skin
On your arms in the morning
From being too close to hell
In one evening
Side effects may include
Yawning every 5 seconds
Not due to boredom or tiredness
Light headedness
From the lack of food you now realize you have yet to eat
May result in abuse of medication
Due to not wanting to feel numb constantly

I'm tossing and turning
drowning in a sea of sheets
in a bed twice the size of my own
until I awake to find his arms
reaching for me
coiling around my body
and keeping me close
till I can breathe again.

You're better than the first rain of spring
sent to quench the worn soil
better than my first memory
or my fathers smile
you're better than the song of every bird I've ever heard
every book I've ever read
or dream I've ever dreamt
You're the best thing in my world
and every second with you
is the best moment of my life

Tonight as I lay rest my weary head
I look to the east, where cold blankets lie.
Alas, night fall has driven us to bed
you fled to yours, and I crawled into mine.

But tomorrow we shall not fear the stars
or moon, the darkness will be our savior.
With their calling we shan't flee to our cars
to spend nights alone, such strange behavior.

And in the morning I'll turn to the east
pull back warm sheets entangled round my love
sleeping soundly, my touch calming the beast
prodding behind his bare chest; yet above
your head I see the shadow from the sun
marking nights end and a new days begun.

You've knocked me down and out
Shot your gun and pierced my soul
Forced me to my knees to pray and plead
That I'm not the only one that feels this way
Like I'm drowning inside but I'm fine on the out
Dreaming about a day I'll never wake up
Making deals with the devil so I'll get what I want
I've lost myself, I've lost my mind, I've lost my soul;

All you do is give me your smile
And suddenly I'm weak, I can't speak
and my breathing grows hollow
My spine begins to shake, pupils dialate
as I try to form sentences
but they slip off my tounge
and hit the floor
as you walk away

Like years past my memories have risen
And played out in front of me for your viewing pleasure
They dance
I crumble

Shotguns loaded and pitchforks raised
They throw rocks at my window in hopes I will come out
I hide
They wait

My walls cant withstand another blow, my windows are cracking
Headfirst out the glass strewn pane, the fire and flames break my fall
With my last breath I'll cry out
You've won

No one makes me feel so small except for you
The little ticking time bomb ready to burst
Medication just makes it worse
he's upstairs with his friends
and you're about to burst
about to burst

The drugs have made it through my body
(both prescribed and not)
and the last bits have been swept out
through sweaty pores
Reality, the daunting thing
is now here before my eyes
bills to pay, life to conquer
how to conquer I ask, I ask
with desperate thoughts bouncing around
amplified by sobriety
my dearest self stay strong
for this is only half the battle

Red leaves swirl in the misty haze of the night
Footsteps in the distance steadily grow softer
I lunge towards the tree, fists free
I'm dragged back, dripping

The cars go around in each direction
The lights are dancing , which way is up
The stars are blending with the leaves and the trees
and I lay back as I'm dragged dripping

The mist and tree's and leaves and stars
Smashed together and made to come as one
And the cars continue their daily route
As I'm thrown beneath the leaves or the stars and I stay there, seeping

Finally the sun, the way up, the way out
But my mouth is sewn shut and my limbs are made of ice
And then it is sunset, night and sunrise
Repeating before my frozen eyes

Forgive me

What if tomorrow you wake up and I'm not here anymore
If the person you turned to couldn't turn to you
And became just a memory
Fading faster and faster.
In a few months you can't hear my laugh anymore
In a year my voice is gone
And years after you won't even remember my face.
I'll just be that girl who said see you tomorrow
Even though I knew tomorrow would never come

I'll paint it on, that lying grin, and fake a smile
I'm ok, I'm ok
Pretending, I'm laughing, not crying out for help tonight
I'm dying, I'm dying
This is the last time tonight.

And never shall it beat again
Yet there it is
That tune again
And here I am
And here you stand
I've fallen
I couldn't have

I know you don't so I'll go back
And hurt myself with him
But I'll pretend just for a while
Until it stops beating again

And when I'm done
I'll cease to be
His little doll
To **** around

And tomorrow
I swear
I'll tell you

Told to choose this way or that
I'm ****** either way
Why still try to win?

They warned me, but I’m curious
It’s my tragic flaw
My need to know whats in the minds of those around me
You, you won’t let me in, that’s a first
You say half truths to get by my desire for your knowledge
but I know there’s more behind your wall
I'll get through to you eventually, I promise you I will
I’ll open your heart and mind, search through the memories
take out the bad, and leave you with happier thoughts to get you by
I promise you before I die.

Eleven AM
Rub back groggy eyes and stretch out cramped toes
get dressed if the fam is home
stay **** if it seems quiet
run back if you made the wrong assumption and try again
check your face, anything new?
Say hi to way-to-young-to-have-you wrinkles cross your forehead
say goodbye to bulbous pimples that arrived overnight
take a ****, check the news,
head downstairs and wait till noon.

Twelve PM, or sometime around then
you've said your hello's to your fam
if they're in,
and if not you say hi to comedy central and your bestie Gin
quarter past means its reasonable enough to climb back to bed
here's a hint:
to convince yourself you're busy,
keep your phone, laptop and tv all on or within arms reach.
That gets me through the day,
minus the occasional *** and drink break
or random banter between family
( only if cross paths accidentally)

Six PM
Time to give in and drink the rest of whatever's left from last night
*****, Wine, *** and Gin
Mix, grab my pack and head out back
chain-smoke until I gag and hack
sway and sing about those
doses and mimosas, that champagne and *******
but did it get me through?
or just mask the truth

1AM in bed still, or again
this is usually when my life comes crumbling in
either I'm destroying what I love or they're destroying myself
or maybe the ***** just makes it all seem like too much.
I'll say "Baby, I'm giving it up its too much,
I've had so many revelations, seen the light and been touched
**** tomorrow I'll be good, tomorrow I'll expand
I'll get my fat *** out of bed, I'll ******* shake a strangers hand
Tomorrow's the start baby, you'll see
Tomorrow I'll finally get back to being me"

Eleven AM
Rub back groggy eyes and stretch out cramped toes
get dressed if the fam is home
stay **** if it seems quiet
run back if you made the wrong assumption and try again
check your face, anything new?
Say hi to way-to-young-to-have-you wrinkles cross your forehead
say goodbye to bulbous pimples that arrived overnight
take a ****, check the news,
head downstairs and wait till noon.

The day my father died, my family sat at his bedside
watching a deteriorating man's mind slip from his weak grasp;
Mother, father, sister, brothers, brother in-laws, wife and son
all sat in the cramped hospital room trying to say goodbye
while he hallucinated the photo copier at work wasn't working, due to lack of oxygen to his brain.
His daughter, the only one absent from the room, sat at home alone,
playing video games on the computer he gave me back when I'd never heard of cancer.

The day my father died, my papa left his sons bedside
with his head slowly slumping further past his shoulders as he joined me on the couch.
In my basement, my papa wept. I stared at a wall.
Looking back, I wonder if this was his way of saying goodbye to me
before I'd become someone much different than I should have been.
My mother had never held it together on her own, now alone
My brother'd have to teach himself how to shave, one day
And myself, left to fill shoes that were never supposed to be empty.

The day my father died,
His family died too.

Judging by his eyes he's not sorry
Judging by his face he doesn't care
And judging by the texts last night
He'll never change.
Stone cold
Your empty eyes glare on past
My frame, sunken into your couch.
What did i expect after that?

My dreams are slowly crashing down
towards the bullseye on my head;
I don’t want to face reality,
I don’t want to face tomorrow.

In my hand I hold your heart
the cold rock you left me
after the punches were swung
and the blood was wiped off our skin

In my pocket I carry
the ring you gave me
when you promised me tomorrow
and failed to follow through

Yet in my room the only light that shines
is his, for me, with love
And my dreams are filled with sounds
of wedding bells and baby rattles;

I'm scared that this will end
our smiles fading, skin bleeding,
And you leaving me visible broken promises
that I carry burdened

Month after month
Faking normal states of mind
complying to the every need
of those around me, frantically trying
to please them so they don't see
and once I'm fine,
I grab a beer and dance all night
in strange men's basements
a smile never leaving my plastered face
and I let them sort their own **** for once

I've unknowingly made my peers
fall in love with my own worst enemy
and hate the real me

Crawl to me
Out the window
Past each family
Snug in their beds
In their cookie cutter suburbia;
Keep trudging on
Down dark desolate streets
Towards my open arms

The daunting task
of promising your love
without wanting to promise
you'll still be around
to give it back;
Take each step with grace
take each fall with pride
I'll follow you
until the end of time