I am all too familiar an acquaintance with the shower floor
What once was my youthful escape from
The tumultuous beasts lying just outside the
Shower curtain
My favorite hiding place in a den of demons
Who were supposed to keep me safe
Have become a cutthroat reminder of
The soul reaching pain I’ve experienced
Underneath the endless stream of
steaming waterfall
Where my piercing screams of agony rang out
Once it sunk in that even the most convincing ruse of love could drown me
And leave me washed ashore with nothing but anguish choking my lungs
Where I had to watch helplessly as my contained ocean dotted with silky bubbles
Was overtaken by a tidal wave of crimson
That washed away a pure melody of laughter
That I never had the privilege to make
to my earshot
A pint size smile that never crossed my gaze
A love I will always carry but
could never give
What was once my sanctuary is now haunted with ghosts of grief
My once sweet escape is now what I’ll forever wish to flee.

Sometimes the war wounds on my mind can
**** up all the oxygen in a room
And suffocate all bystanders in its perimeter
But I’ll also drain my own lungs if it meant
The people I love won’t starve for air
I’ll fight in their battles even if it costs me my war
I know my heart takes patience
And time to get your bearings
But I also know I’m worth it.
Because my scars never grazed my ability to light up a night sky with nothing but a smile
My kindness and warmth towards even total strangers could never be squandered
My cleverness, my humor,
My unyielding resilience
The way I’m unapologetically myself
Without a care in the world of others’ perceptions
These are feats that shouldn’t be wasted on
someone who only looks at
my faults and shortcomings
And sees me as a walking inconvenience
Broken beyond repair
When I could be cherished by someone who
won’t bolt at the first dull rumble of thunder
But who will weather stormy days with me
And knows it’s worthwhile once the sun’s radiant beams peek through the clouds
Someone who deserves me
Not who deserves to lose me.

I am not a laundry list of symptoms
Brought on by endless assaults of a developing mind
I am not the carnage left behind by all the people who have failed me
The complications in my brain in no way lower the scale of my worthiness
And I in no way deserve to feel as if my resilience has morphed me into
a burden to love
Because I have survived far too much in my quarter life
And I’ve been forced to become a warrior in a lifelong battle that I never wanted any part of
But I’ve never let the battlefield turn me into a pit of boundless bitterness
Instead here I still stand a beacon of light
A lighthouse in an unrelenting storm
Now the lights can flicker on occasion
But I always find a way to shine back through the sea of dark pewter sky and into my
ocean of optimistic empathy
And my light deserves to be more than tolerated
It deserves to be seen.

The melancholy melody that resonates
throughout every numbed neuron.
"Memories feel like weapons."
like anchors weighing down any sense of rationality
Like a drug warping the surroundings of my desolate reality
I cling to my arsenal for dear life
I reside in these recollections where I knew I was loved
Where I was cared about
Was valued
was seen.
Instead of the soul crushing uncertainty I reside in now
Where I get thrown back into frigid winds after finding
any semblance of warmth
Where loneliness still creeps in with company
when you have to question motivations
of every single action
but the memories are so enticing
Because all these questions are instantly answered
with the ghost of a smile
the remembrance of a gaze
of arms wrapped around in a tender embrace
and reassuring words.
But reminiscing quickly turns deadly
as the grief that soon follows swallows me whole
"Memories feel like weapons"

I’ve spent endless nights tossing my body back and forth
Wrestling with my bedsheets
Dreading to unload all my burdens from my brain
Though I know it’s what I need to thrive in my new universe
My river of sentences run dry every time your face meets mine
I feel every bone in my body grow stiff
Paralyzed with fear
Fear that you may once again lunge at me with your sharp tongue
Piercing me with another agonizing betrayal
Leaving me in a pool of my own emptiness
for half my life, my mind has been in survival mode
Always slipping on eggshells
Horrified of what your waterfall of words will drench me with next
I’ve kept my lips glued
For if I were to fend off your Battalion of abuse
I would be shattered into a million pieces
But somehow, my words slip out better in prose
So maybe I should bring you onto my battlefield
And divulge the overwhelming burden your actions have placed upon my shoulders.

You’ve always had this perfect picture of my childhood conjured up in your warped mind
A ****** up fictional fairytale
But it’s time I popped your narcissistic bubble and enlighten you with the truth

Can you recall the day I stopped being girl wonder in your eyes and transformed into the problem child?
Because I can still feel the wave of pain radiate through my spine
As you shoved me to the ground in a blind rage over grades
I can still feel the stinging on my scalp
As I was dragged across the sandpaper carpet by every follicle on my head when I couldn’t give you the right answers
I can still feel the rug burn on my knees
As I was thrusted to my feet and struck in the face with a piece of paper
That would become worthless to you in a month
Did it feel good to you to terrorize your twelve year old?
As if a number on a paper meant more to you than the scars you were leaving behind?
That frenzied look in your eyes will always be engraved into mine
For it was the first time I cowered in distress from the one person who was meant to keep me safe.

Can you recall the moment you cast a shadow over me as I was choking on my own air?
My mind can still picture the smug smile on your lips as you uttered the word “pathetic”.
I get goosebumps on my arms from where your claws wrapped around me to yank me from solid ground
Your mocking laugh still echoes in my ear
Did it make you feel powerful to stand over me and cackle as I was desperately struggling to keep afloat in a raging tsunami of anxiety?


Let’s turn now to high school
The most impactful years of a child's life
When their confidence is as fragile as glass
You locked eyes with me and forever tainted my eardrums with these words:
“Sometimes I feel like your brother is my only real child”
I can recall the very second those syllables registered in my brain
it was as if you had snuffed out the flame of what little embers of self worth I had left
And I was thoroughly convinced that I no longer belonged in this world.
For how could I ever have a purpose when the woman who brought me to this Earth now regretted my existence?

Now this is not your full roster of misdeeds
For there are hundreds, maybe thousands of verbal assaults on my psyche that play on a loop in my mind every single night
And it has taken years to undo even a little of the damage you brought upon me
But when I look into your cold hazel eyes I will always see the avalanche of hurt you have caused
The countless days I locked myself in the bathroom praying that you wouldn’t get in
Every quickened breath I took and every time my body shook with terror
Every heart wrenching phrase that rings in my eardrums every second of the day
Every nightmare, every flashback
Every time I thought about dying
Every moment I spent wanting to end my existence when I thought my own mother wished the same
And maybe one day I’ll learn to forgive all of these things
But I know my brain and my body would never let me forget.

Sometimes
I wish I had wings
To soar through the sky
With infinite freedom
Leaving no corner of the world unexplored
Inhaling the purest air
Untouched by human corruption
Where I could weave through puffy white accumulations
Swim through the ocean sky
And feel the godlike sunbeams radiate
Through my skin
Come nighttime
I’d be swarmed by a sea of stars