I'm lost in the depths of my own mind,

suffocating under the weight of my thoughts.

Reality is distorted,

truth and lies are intertwined.

Every moment feels like a ticking time bomb,

waiting to unleash its destruction.

I'm paralyzed by the fear of being hurt again.

You're a potential threat,

a risk I'm not willing to take.

I scrutinize your every move,

waiting for the inevitable mistake.

But beneath this façade of self preservation,

a voice whispers the painful truth:

I'm the one who's broken, I'm the one who's afraid.

The ghosts of the past still haunt me,

their echoes reverberating through my soul.

I'm trapped in this cycle of fear,

pushing away anyone who dares to get close.

I'm convinced I'm better off alone,

safe behind the walls I've built.

Yet, in this isolation,

I'm drowning in my own despair,

longing for connection,

but terrified of the vulnerability it requires.

This self imposed exile is a double edged sword.

It protects me from the pain of rejection,

but also denies me the warmth of human connection.

I'm a master of deflection,

disguising my fear as indifference.

I'll push you away, test your resolve,

and measure your love by the distance

you're willing to travel.

But what if you stay?

What if you see beyond the armor I've crafted,

beyond the scars and the fears?

What if you touch the fragile heart beating beneath?

The thought sends shivers down my spine.

For vulnerability is a risk I've never been willing to take.

Yet, the possibility tantalizes me,

It's like a siren's call to the depths of my soul.

In this tug of war between heart and head,

I'm torn asunder.

And a part of me yearns to surrender,

to let go of the controls and freefall into the unknown.

Another part clings to the familiar,

the comfort of solitude, the certainty of pain.

And so I hover,

suspended between two worlds,

unsure which path to choose.

For the silence in here is deafening,

mirroring a reflection of the war raging within me.

I loved him with every fiber of my soul,
But the world around us felt like a cage that wouldn't unfold.
The familiar streets, the same old faces,
The comforting routine that slowly lost its place.

My heart beat solely for him,
A love so strong, it felt suffocating.
That his loving arms, his gentle and caring eyes,
Couldn't keep me in a place I can't even disguise.

I needed to leave, to break free from this place's hold,
To find my own path, and make myself whole.
And I wasn't going to give him what he needed,
A love that would anchor him, like a steady heartbeat in turbulent seas.

So I left, before he could keep me by his side,
Shattering his core, and breaking his heart.
In one of my memories, I felt his pain,
Where he stood while I left, his tears falling like rain.

And when it rained, I'd wish his heart sought solace in familiar shores,
While mine sailed to uncharted horizons.
For our story, was like a melody of discordant notes,
Two souls, once in harmony, now drifting remote.

I've found my horizons glow,
Where I sit, trying not to think of him in woe,
For time has changed me,
But not enough to free me from his memories and his pain.

But I'm there again hoping he doesn't think of me, until I saw him again,
Years passed yet he remained unchanged.
But his eyes still held a longing for what could be,
Us, the life I gave away that would have soothed his soul's dark sea.

The night's young, so were we,
I saw him standing alone under the stars,
where bonfire flames dances,
its firelight illuminating his features.

He was the answer to my unspoken prayers,
A face chiseled by the gods,
with eyes like darkest night,
where beauty masked the pain within.

His voice was a low, smooth melody,
And he tasted like forbidden fruit, sweet and divine.
His touches were novacaine, numbing every past pain,
And his gaze dissolved time, leaving only now.

The scent of his skin,
a heady mix,
Of leather, smoke, and midnight air.
One night, one glance, and I was undone.

Now, I'm haunted by the ghost of him,
A memory that refuses to fade.
His touch was a burning flame,
Leaving an ache that still remains.

He should have been a fleeting memory,
A fading light,
That should have just lasted one night,
Where we were lost in the throes of ecstasy.

The nights passed, and he was gone,
Yet his memory lingers,
Taunting me with promises and dreams,
That are forever out of reach.

I'm freezing from the inside out

as cold seeps into every pore,

spreading its dark tendrils inform of creeping numbness

that suffocates my soul.

Everywhere feels like a suffocating chill

and it's wrapped around my heart.

Leaving my breath in a startled gasp,

The air around me thickens, refusing to fill my lungs,

And my chest tightens in a vice grip that won't relent.

Each heartbeat a drumbeat,

echoing fear and desperation.

My thoughts turns to fragment,

shattered like broken glass,

Showing reflections of a mind in chaos.

Memories linger, taunting me with happiness,

that's lost in the haze of anxiety's relentless grip.

Emptiness consumes me, and turns me to a hollow shell,

Soulless,

devoid of warmth or light or hope,

that echoes with every heartbeat,

A chasm between what was and what is.

Time becomes distorted, stretching each moment,

Minutes become hours, hours become eternity,

Then the world retreats, leaving only darkness,

and a neglected landscape, lacking comfort or solace.

In this hell, I search for a lifeline,

A thread to cling to, a beacon to guide me through,

A reassuring voice, a gentle touch,

Anything.

But every handhold slips away,

leaving me falling, as my body trembles like a fragile leaf,

Shaken by the winds of fear and uncertainty.

My mind screams in a silent cry,

Drowning in silence, and desperate for rescue,

I strain to recall calm moments,

Serene skies, peaceful nights, loving arms,

But they fade like mist in morning sun,

Leaving only the stark reality of this panic.

And the realization that I'm fighting for a breather,

to remember and to forget,

And if God's willing,

Then I won't slip away,

or get lost like these tears that slipped away.

It's a tornado raging in my head,

So loud that I sometimes wonder if people live in my head.

They warn me, I defy their whispers,

Then they mock me when I stumble in darkness.

I now understand an addict's desperation for drugs,

The hunger that gnaws at their soul like a famished beast.

For in a desperate pursuit to silence them,

I've turned to poetry,

A perfect escape that comes with a price.

Overthinking, making up scenarios in my head,

I hurt people from it, then I hurt me.

It was the perfect combo,

I feel, then I write, and sometimes I conjure an emotion, then I write what I want the world to see,

But at sometime I realized,

I never write what I need them to see,

Me, trapped in a glass box, suffocating,

Their hands wrapped around my throat.

With voices screaming around me,

I'm shaking, desperate to shatter this prison.

But I'm unable to do so,

How can something so fragile become so unbreakable?

In desperation,

I turn back to the shadows for guidance,

But at a price,

a piece of my soul, a fragment of my heart,

For some words that might set me free,

I give in easily and begin to write.

Now I'm closing in on the end of my book,

And I need a new one to write,

But I have nothing left to give them,

For they've owned every part of me,

And I've lost control of me,

That I just write whatever they want me to,

I shouldn't have let them get to me in the first place,

And whatever promises they made before,

I shouldn't have taken them to heart.

I offer love without expectation,

A vulnerable gesture, that's often misread.

They confuse my kindness for desire,

And distance themselves,

To spare me the heartache.

Sometimes,

I'm reminded of the ones they hold dear,

A constant comparison, that ends like a quiet eclipse.

I laugh, then reflect on my own ways,

Questioning why my selflessness drives them away.

I treat others as I'd wish to be treated,

Loyal, attentive, and true.

Yet, in giving freely, I lose connection,

And when I withdraw, I sever ties anew.

I've learned to shield myself from pain,

Recognizing the only harm that comes from within.

I'm better off on my own,

For the only person capable of hurting me is myself,

And no one else should hold that power.

We teeter at love's edge, paralyzed by fear. That sometimes I wonder if it's the height that terrifies us or the fall into love itself? knowing that our survival is beyond our control.