I've been to that place.
The place of the unknown,
where I've been so ripped,
I can't remember a thing.
And pondering what got me there,
I haven't a clue.
Was it pain.
Was it joy.
It certainly wasn't the taste
of rotgut whiskey.
That liquid burns your throat
& makes your face contort
to forget things.
And who would want
to forget happiness?
But it did.

Destiny is determined
It's encrypted, it's marginalized
I'm the result you despise
I'm the infusion, a confusion
Diversity's virus sporadic epidemic genetics fickle, Rickshaw magnetic atoms, collidng electric nuetral transmiters, wither like a rose, pedals parachute to soils ecosystem, my failure is coded like a mission, blinded vision, angel who has arisen, now I know my purpose, my cause, my goal I must attain when time has finally become, set free now I won, until then I must sustain, regain, and maintain, break free from these chains, hurting me in pain, soon I'll evaporate like rain, his word is not in vain...

Jesus Christ thank you for everything you done for me, from day one, it's for some purpose, I might not know, why you allowed, all I know is you have answered all my troubled question.

I realized something tonight
I realized that there is enough space next to me for you to sleep
A perfect you - shaped space -
Where you can lay -
And wrap your arms around my waist
I'll have to sleep spread eagle then
So I don't have to think about the fact that you aren't here to fill the space beside me
I've never slept well on my back
But I'll sleep worse if I can't pretend that I don't know you're gone

She doesn't know what to do anymore.
Her heart pounds around her until it feels like a stampede -
About to be trampled.
Help her. Help her.
She falls asleep every night after her anxiety fights its way through her medication -
And beats her until she bleeds.
But sleep is no rescue -
Because the devils in her dreams.
Demons, dying, monsters, heartbreak, torture, humiliation -
She can't escape the hell that invades sleep - and is still waiting for her when she wakes up.
An animal - poised to rip out her throat.
She wakes up already in the middle of a panic attack - praying only drowns her thoughts in thinking.
And every second of every moment of every day that she's stuck in her various prisons -
Drags on and digs into her like nails until she wishes she could just find the blood, find the wound -
So she could mend it.
No one else seems to be bothered like she is - no one else understands what it's like to live in panic.
Almost done with her 11th year but there's still always another. Another. Another.
Doesn't want to let her meds take over - because the second she falls asleep -
She'll have to wake up.
And waking up is the worst part.

I burned myself because of the pain,
I wanted to feel the physical instead
Of the emotional. I wanted to hide
Away, escape the anger, the frustration
I turned inward and felt the insanity.

Life is the beginning
Death is the end
Hatred consumes my heart
Love consumes my brain
But love cannot be explained
Whether its the beginning or the end
I know we will never be together again

My giving up is beating my hope on a race...