All of those years,
I did work to just appear,
Like the girl people invented,
And gave to my name.

It almost feels wasted.
Because it was never about that.
It was always about
The view, from the outside
Looking in.

This girl they created
She sounds brilliant
She sounds radiant,
And when I smile
I almost feel like I can be her
-But when I’m alone-
I know I’m just hurt.

Hurt because-
I was never allowed my own self,
That I had to fail to become a version
I never dreamt up,
And that never existed.
Because she sounds perfect,
And if anyone could reach perfection,
I wouldn’t place my bets on me.

I wouldn’t call myself lucky
That people put me up to the task
Because year after year
It became clear as a speckled mirror
And what I mean
Is that I was still me
With no identity
Holding onto hopes
That I mistakenly latched onto
In the midst of a hoax
Wound so tightly around my neck
Barbed wire rope
It stings what they stuck to me
And how I can’t see through bleeds
I might never have a solid vision
An unshakeable clue
About who I was
Who I am
Before all of you.

It was a gray winter day
sky low like it wanted to crush me,
the trees stiff and bloodless.
I was walking with my friend,
boots crunching dead leaves,
when the bullet cracked the silence.

It screamed past my ear,
a wasp of metal and ******.
I didn’t see the gun,
just felt the world split
air sliced like skin,
reality flayed open.

The shot missed.
But it hit something inside me
struck the boy who thought the world was safe,
buried itself where no one could pull it out.

we lerned how to play,
one letter at a time or
they gets stuck.

badly.

in my deepest
exhale
i found the
weight i carried
float away
from me
and now
i can finally
breathe

Love is as to a dry well,
The heart akin to the empty bucket.
I would be convinced that this is hell,
Had I not tasted of heaven.
Is this a shadow realm?
Like mirrors' reflections?
Is there someone like myself?
Aching & longing for one to reach out?
True in their intentions?

I think more
with feelings
than with thoughts of you

Your silent closeness
without contact
my desire

to be with you unfolds
in my soul and floats
around me with happiness

I want to experience everything
with you, but swimming with dolphins
and the Northern Lights in the south

are not as special to me
as sleeping together, eating, watching
and expressing what is touching us