Alcoholic laced tears.
Smeared mascara paintings on pillowcases.
A symphony of crying souls.
Cuts of feelings otherwise numb too.

I lie here in my bed,
afraid of what I may do next
as I know that I am losing my fight
with a demon too much to bare
wanting a free ride into this thing called life.

My alcoholic laced tears
intoxicating my very being,
pushing me towards an inevitable end
but this time I will not stop them from falling,
I will not stop the blade that scars my skin,
I will lie here and let death take me
I will no longer be a burden to your existence.

All I have is the ticking clock
and four plain white walls for company.
My eyes they beg for you to look within
and see the end I fear is in sight.
Please do not make me beg for you
as I stand here; body trembling, lost words,
and eyes that are gone from this world.

Instead I am greeted by long, cold silences
and distance all too sudden.
A shift in how you present yourself to me,
knowing I must have asked for too much of your time.
Now knowing that I must face these monsters
ALONE! Again!
Please do not make me beg for you to see I need someone tonight!

Sitting on the shower floor
feeling the water hit me,
pooling around my feet
like the tears from the night before.

Watching the droplets race to the bottom
knowing I hit there once again.
Drowning myself in a cocktail
of alcohol and pills to numb the pain.

Pain turning to nothingness
as I close my eyes to the night,
praying for the darkness to win this time
and subdue me into a never ending sleep.

Too many nights I have lay here crying,
the tears pour down
and I can't tell if they're lying.
I feel an emptiness deep inside
knowing I should be doing alright.

There are days where I paint on a smile,
make it through the day
by laughing a little louder,
I know if I ever dare stop for a while
I will feel it in full force and I'll breakdown.

Too much noise filling my head all the time,
I try to scream
but it's buried deep inside.
I fear if I don't speak up soon
I'll be lost to the war no-one else can see.

I’ll just paint a smile on my face, I’ll keep myself busy
I’ll play make believe that I’m okay,
I’m breaking under the weight, of being not okay!
I feel myself fading away.

I feel like I’ve been gone for a long time now,
My body is present, but I seem to be lost inside.
I used to love feeling everything I ever could.
But now I feel like I’m fading away.

It hurts me to say that I am not okay.
Letting everyone down hurts me more than they know.
It’s been tearing me apart,
The fact that I will never be all that they want me to be.

I know that I can’t keep living this way,
I know what will come if I do not make a change.
I’m buried under the weight of all the shame I’ve brought upon myself
And I know there’s no one to blame but me.

I fear I’ve faded away.

Just like rain drops
my tears fall
watering seeds sown
from my past.
Before too long
they will flower
into wonderful opportunities,
stunning all those who see,
never knowing the damaged roots that lay underneath.
For you see the colourful bloom reached for the sun,
Illuminating the world in a sea of colour,
ready to take on life's next adventure.
Just like rain drops
my tears fell
watering seeds sown
ready to bloom into wonderment.

I will not tell you that I am weak
or that my tears threaten to spill
because I do not want you to know me like that.
I do not want you to look at me with eyes full of pity
for I am not as fragile and as broken as you think!

I will not tell you that I fear life
or that at night I feel a sullen emptiness inside
because I am afraid that if I do, the darkness will take over.
I do not want to let these demons win,
so I will pretend that all is okay and that I can not sense them.