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Marya123 Jun 2016
In the dark of the night I sleep
The day tires, exhaustion does creep.
But I wake, as the mind races
It does not rest, it goes places.
Cascading thoughts of years gone by,
Of years to come, I worry, cry.
I think of those happy around
And how I always wear a frown
How, when they can converse with glee
It is when I’m quiet that I’m free.
The past consumes, it hurts, I bleed
Deep inside, I know what I need.
Mistakes made, pride before a fall
Catastrophic, I can’t stand tall
Only to me it seems that way
They say, “Move on!”, but I just pray
For strength to exist, to not fail
Yet again amidst wind and hail.
So I hide, I don’t speak to them
Those who bear my monstrous emblem.
I read, I’m told, of self-esteem
That’s what I see in waking dreams.
Envy, anger, sadness I spout
Company I can’t do without
It makes one feel weak. Who am I?
A girl who waits but doesn’t try?
One who turns off lights to see dark?
Or one who tries to make a mark?
We’re all worn pieces of fabric
Pristine, glorious, woven magic
Of frayed threads, of holes, botched stitches
Some, stories from rags to riches.
We do not know when it will end
We don’t know what the fates will send.
Life’s the course we take to finish
Our fine cloth without a blemish
Perfect it may seem from afar
But It is made from many scars.
The past made us who we are now
Bid goodbye to it with a bow
For it made us strong, made us strive
Again, once more, to try and thrive.
I will no longer let it rule
Forget the girl I was in school
Ignore my self-deprecation
Omit the failed conversations.
I will not let them define me
Fallen leaves of my standing tree.
Long-lost dreams fade, new ones begun
The mind's made up, I'll have some fun.
Long road to travel, things to do
Hard work smartly done with a clue.
Music's gentle hand guides my way
My only light in the dark days.
Smiles, laughter, speech with confidence
I'll try and lace them with good sense.
Perhaps the God above knows well
Things he won't explicitly tell
He'll shine in places we can't view
Clearing our way in unknown queues.
Giving strength when we do feel weak
Oiling our machines to no creak.
With that faith, I will move some more
Finding new paths, opening doors.
The future’s mine, I’ll make it right
My life, in the dark of the night.
Marya123 Jun 2016
Who are you to say, who I choose to love?
Who are you to say, who I pray to?
Who are you to say, I must be this way?
Who are you? I haven’t got a clue.
You say, “Actions unite a society.
You must act accordingly, you must!
Be normal, be how we have always been
Then, in you we shall place our trust.
If you don’t agree to this, Go away
Away from here, you do not belong!
Leave us in peace, we don't need you.
We send you off, for without you, we’re strong.”

But I’ll ask you: do I deserve to die?
Am I so disgusting I can’t live?
How can you decide I must die this way?
What have I done that you can’t forgive?
A poem for those who died during the Orlando massacre of 12th June 2016.
Marya123 Jun 2016
I don’t know how to smile
A simple curve of mouth
Takes me an intense while
It ends up being a pout.
There are queries I make
To all who can dazzle
Without fault or mistake
Without getting frazzled.
Must one’s teeth be exposed?
How must one move the lips
So it does not look forced?
They try to give me tips.
“The mirror is your friend
It depends on your face
There’s only a slight bend
Before a dark grimace.
Try new angles each time
See when you look decent
It is a steady climb
To appearing pleasant.”
How must I compute this?!
I did do as they said
I either look amiss
Or angry and half-dead.
It’s not that I am plain
I try not to think so
But it causes me pain
I can’t go with the flow.
I fear taking pictures
It makes no sense to me
Why go through a torture
Each time with company?
Self-portraits are common
Nowadays called ‘selfies’
Everyone’s forgotten
When one’s a true beauty.
But I can’t even smile
Simplest trick of them all
To go the extra mile
I can’t summon the gall.
But I’ve heard my friends say
When one is not conscious
At the end of the day
That photo is precious
It captures a memory
Of a true, blissful curve
A good moment's history.
I must try to observe
Those unabashed smiles
And try to repeat those
Without going out of style
And trying a weird pose.
Marya123 Jun 2016
Two souls within pages or in a screen
Find happiness as I have never been
A delight unknown, secret elation
Borne from sweet, deep, delirious passion
Towards another soul so well entwined
One declares ‘I am yours and you are mine’
On that note, my eyes spill two sudden tears
Awakening forlorn, hidden, new fears
Of a lonely girl whose books keep her sane
Else she’d be lost writing numerous refrains
On longing for what she can’t understand
Childish dreams-crumbs under billows of sand
As time goes on, as reality strikes
Are found infatuations, crushes, ‘likes’
Each painful, into nothing drifts away
Settling into new lessons learned each day.
‘He wasn’t good for you’ they say; She smiles
They understood what she'd known for a while.
She listens, but trusts a worn intuition
A faith that one day,it’ll all bear fruition
Sometimes that faith breaks,into smithereens
Yet it rises again, sharper and keen.
The forgotten lads,she knows and admires
No longer do they provoke her ire.
For they were good, kind, unsuspecting souls
She once did think each one would make her whole
But each departure only reminded
Of new facets to which she was blinded.
They go on with their lives, she must do so
Without memories of eons ago.

"You are no beauty", (some) male brute ‘friends’ sneer
Patient voices counsel that they’re queer.
Beauty lies in the eye of beholders
If eyes are clouded, how can they smolder?
With sincerity, praise, love or a smile
How will they make anyone’s time worthwhile?
If they’re marred with lust, greedy for a ‘***’
Those men make me ***** or want to gag.
I once did dream of a tall handsome guy
Who would make me blush, who can make me shy.
Who would charm, be faithful, trusting and kind
With gentle fingers, and a strong, fierce mind.
Who could sweep me off my feet, just with words
(Of course, he’s unreal- don’t be absurd!)
Who could move mountains with things he said
Who'd be focused, practical, think ahead.
I used to think about my true soulmate
Among billions in the world, tied by fate
To meet once, unite, or never at all
Held apart by egos that cause their fall
Or clashing with fury, victims of chance
Causing fireworks in Destiny’s dance
Burning steadily for ages to come
Scoffed at by many, coveted by some.
Do they truly exist? I’ve no idea.
They cannot be a heart’s panacea
When it is broken, when it starts to bleed
When buds of affection become mere ****.
Do find a true respect, love for oneself
Tuck insecurities into a shelf
Walk with victories and defeats in your stride
By sheer common sense patiently abide.
Assume soulmates do not exist, alas!
Else, the heart will always shatter like glass.
Be of sound mind, incomparable courage
Never let them go- design your own page
Hold that person close-one who does arrive
One who makes you better, for whom you strive
To light up their days, star the blackest nights
As you move as one, never stop the fight.
He may not be tall, strong or masculine
He may not be rich, suave or brave within.
But he looks at you like you are unique
You may stumble, but his interest is piqued
He stays by your side when times are too blue
He comforts, informs, encourages too.
He celebrates your wins,never jealous
Paving his own path without being callous
He gives you your space, and uses his own
He doesn’t bother with calls to the phone
When he knows you’re busy, he can trust well
He listens with care to what you’ve to tell.
He has his faults,but works to make them right
He glows with glee when you move to his sight.
Such is what I crave-that’s what I call love
I hope you find what I described above.
midnight musings
Marya123 Jun 2016
You sit down in front of a computer
A laptop, mainframe or anything with keys
Deftly designing, predicting futures
You solve problems with unrealistic ease.
Days and nights you spend staring at the screen
Running on caffeine, junk food, random snacks
Eyes spotting errors, fingers sharp and keen
There isn’t one mistake you can’t track.
Sometimes you can get very, very stuck
Which makes you a horrible annoyance
As you start to moan about how you ****
Making those around wish for your penance.
You go crazy, grumbling technical words
Gazing into space, losing yourself there
In the world of code- it’s just plain absurd
To anyone who’s sadly unaware.
But soon you figure out the hidden glitch
Buried between long complicated lines
Like a tailor, you repair the wrong stitch
Weaving marvels from virtual quarantines.
Alas! Not many try to understand
Ignorant about what just makes you tick
To them, code is a unique world so bland
It’s your paradise, glue to make you stick
You see patterns among random mysteries
You cannot resist killing viruses
Behind the screen lie your numerous victories
Humble and hard-earned are your calluses.
Marya123 May 2016
I don't even care anymore
About getting hundred percent
My life is dull,drab and absent
Who really cares about their scores?    
Because I don't care anymore
About impressing professors
Appearing diligent, sincere
I was like that long before
For i started to care no more
About immaculate neat work
Now it starts to drive me berserk!
Papers scattered about the floor
Because I really care no more
About how proud parents would be
'Wonderful child!' They do decree
Blinded by pride- my eyes are sore
Because I can't cry anymore.
What does one get out of it all?
Filthy numbers before a fall?
An urge to run out of the door?
I don't even care anymore
About dreadful stories conjured
Out of acronyms-minds injured
Bleed ignorance desperately bored
It's pointless to care anymore.
'Have a thirst for knowledge', they say
Little do they know it has stayed
To form an ache amidst the gore
Of trying to not care some more...    
Writing nonsense is habitual
It has become a dumb ritual
Spinning yarns like the days of yore...
Am I supposed to care anymore?
Four years of engineering
After which the truth is leering
At those whose rambles are adored
Unaware of anything more.  
'This is college! Learn on your own'
They say,and we wear till our bones
Trying now to invent folklore
But now i don't care anymore.
Must I persist?now I must ask
Am i really up to the task
Of understanding from the core
I'm sure of nothing anymore.
Yet I insist, why so? Why now?
I could leave- a cowardly cow!
Moving to things on other shores
Must i try to care anymore?
Some people get drunk,some smoke up
But once one starts then one can't stop
So I moan through my rhyme galore  
You see, I can't care anymore.
But I question without answers
Too tired to be the seeker
My brain is an assorted store
With new ways of caring some more.
Engineering in India- this is what I feel right now, as a student who wants to learn and do well,but doesn't care anymore.
Marya123 May 2016
As I stare, out my window
A whole new world I can see.
It's nothing like what I know
Timeless tales of Odyssey
Told by each droplet from high
Across tarnished panes of old
Dancing against the grey sky
T'is not warm, yet not too cold.
Often the heavens do rage
Seething forsaken thunder
Booming from cloud-guarded cage
The flashes gleam asunder.
Burning the ground when they hit
Striking with melancholy
Lasting for less than a whit
Vanishing in their glory.
Oh, abhorred Midas touch!
Scarring revered sand to glass!
It will not do- t'is too much!
Disaster has come to pass.
Deafening sound each long day
Or night? It is uncertain.
There is no dark, light- just grey
The skies rid unknown burden.
The heavens echo strange rhythm
"Deathless drummer, kindly stop!"
Beg voices from broken chasms-
Sleepless amidst failing crop.
Yet, one fails to realise
Harsh Nature's painful beauty
Each cry- contrite sacrifice
To create a symphony
In the air as lights do blend
Within a drop build color
An arc of seven friends sent
Cleansing any mood so dour.
It is sudden, unknown, new.
One cannot see it arrive
Yet it exists, among a few
Splashes of grey that survive.
So, oftentimes it is said
When all is lost in a storm
From the ashes of the dead
Will rise hope with unique form
That one cannot understand
Or recognize at first glance
Explore the glass of the sand
Don't lose faith, take a chance
It will hold your hand throughout
Bearing hail, fog, mist and rain
Keep it close, for, without doubt
It will be worth all the pain.

— The End —