Waking up to a heavy chest
My body begging me to sleep again
And my anxiety begins the second I realize I'm alive
I'm trying to learn to function
With all of this negative energy inside me
I know it'll pass and
I know it'll get better
But right now it hurts
I feel unloved
Unloveable
I feel lost inside myself
A place I can't stay too long
Before I lose my mind
I can tell myself I'm worth it and
That my worth isn't defined by others
And it works for a bit
Until something else comes up and
My heart loses its energy
And I either feel like giving up
Or ready to fight everyone

In and out
It hurts
Close your eyes
Beg
Plead
For it to end
It won't
Because
No matter what
You will always
Breathe

My most favorite thing
Is when they still have long hair
And dress like guys do now
Not super baggy pants
But not form fitting either

And you take them to bed,
Or, knowing stems,
They take you to bed.
And all that manliness
About them is still
Just barely there,
In the ***** of their shoulders
And the way their hands touch you

But then they get undressed
And it's the most beautiful
Combination
Of boy and girl.
They're so fresh and confident
But not cocky

They're respectful and talented
And it's like they try to only
Show the manly side

But then you get into bed
And it's like unwrapping
A present
That only gets better
Every time you unwrap it

A little piece of their femininity
Uncovered just for you,
In that moment only.

Its simply very easy.
Kiss them.
Hold them.
Make them feel safe.
Loved.
Wanted.

Then leave them.

Don't call them.
Don't text them.

Then show up out of the blue
With an
"I still love you"
On the tip of your tongue
With another girls Hickeys
Necklaced on your neck.

Keep your distance.
Call them late at night.
Fall asleep on the phone
To them.

Give them hope.
Remind them that
They
Haven't
Moved
On
At
All.

How do you value those who touched you?
Where none has ever touched
including yourself
those who have drunk from the streams
of your warm wet body with the palms of their hands
but their thirst remains unquenched
and those whose feelings you touched.
What about those who have fallen into abyss of your heart
a heart that is too steep to climb.

Is your inner most feelings
The furthest distance to reach?
Those who left themselves could not reach you
And couldn’t return as they left themselves
Not with their courageous heart but breathing lungs
Locked in memories: remembering embracing you in their chest
Or shaking hands with your breast
Dreaming of dancing together with tongues
Your breath deep in their lungs

What is that is so lovely in your unloved ways?
Truth doesn’t lie in the lips but in the tongue is the taste
why did you kiss their cold cheeks with your burning lips?
Look at their faces: immutable and possessed
Perceptions erased, impressions effaced
A flag raised half-mast
An emblem of your love
Look at them: weary and weak
One of them so wicked and
Another, he and his flesh went separate ways
Leaving his skin hugging his bones
Christmas tree is lovelier of all tress
But has no shade or bore no fruit
Your beauty is no more than
A hidden veil of your weakness
So mysterious..... yet a public secret

Why did you make them walk away?
Were they not worthy or obliged to stay
Who taught you how to dance in another tune?
A rhythm different from the beats of the drums
what is it that you are not doing right? Or
Are You what most find it difficult to love?
And what almost everyone find it hard to leave?