"God"

I begged

"Did I do your will?
Did I hurt him, did I hurt both of us needlessly?
What do I do?
Father, please help me.
I need to see what you see
Just a glimpse of what that may be
Of what I did, this choice which now defines me
I feel like I fell in an unending sea
Oh oh my father, it hurts what I did
I didn't make this choice to hurt him
I didn't want to hurt him
Never

Did I do what was right
Did I do your will
What you asked me to do"

Peace
Filling my trembling body
Peace
Calming my limbs
That long aching string between my head and heart loosens

My head, just now full of contradicting thoughts now sits quietly
Heart is soft too
Listening mildly

So when I answer the question my body is resolved
It hurts I said
That dull ache hits every time I think his name
I feel like he thinks I played a game
With his heart, but no, mine feels the same
Broken and lost, a little lame

I know it was right though the cracks are still there
The double thinking is almost too much to bear
We had uncovered who "we" were but he thinks I don't care when the truth is that I laid myself bare
When trouble came, to my knees I fell in prayer

I don't know why in the past it was right when now the answer is no
I just listen
God knows what is best
But it doesn't make it easy to follow

Head says yes, heart says no
Heart says yes, head says no

God said yes, now God says no
I listen to God, he knows where I'll go
He will make me strong so I will know
I will follow when he says so

My aunt asked how I felt
She asked after I broke up with him
I thought about it and sat there
Stumbling
Struggling to put my heavy thoughts into words

My head told me to do it
My head also spoke against the idea

My heart
The part of me which hurt the most
It said my choice was right
But screamed in pain
In the unbridled anguish of grief
Of loneliness
Of hurt

She asked if I still felt my choice was right
If I regretted it
Would I go back

Would I
If I could go back
Would I change this action
If I could go forward with him again
Would I...

Heart says yes
I hurt him
I could help
I could fix this

Fix what
Fix the temporary pain,
No,

Heart says no
This was right
This choice was right
It would not be good to go back now
Cause more pain, deter healing
What would it fix
Nothing

Head says yes
He was good to me
He loved me
I loved him
We were happy
Head says yes

Head says no
We had our differences
Our difference in religion
In region
I would have hurt him later
Our arrows didn't line up
I was fooling myself that they did
Blindly hoping to see change
Seeing change when none was there

With my head pulling my heart
Heart pulling my head
What was I to do but pray

I have felt pain that makes me ache
Dark pain that pulls me till I fall apart
A gnawing sensation which I can not take
Both slow and hard this pain pulls at my heart
This pain won't come "because" I think of thee
It comes from silence, something that's missing
This pain pulls at me, I wish that you could see
Your silence hurts me more than words reminding
It hurts to feel like you don't care at all
It hurts to know that I missed out on "we"
So now I start to stand up from this fall
Abandon all plans I hoped would make you see
So your choices I choose to except
For I trust you through the tears I've wept

During some relationships, it is one person's fault it doesn't work out
One person isn't willing to change
One changed their mind
One lost interest
One hurt the other.
In my case… I hurt him

I didn't want to
He didn't do anything wrong
I hadn't lost interest
But sometimes God has a different plan for you
When you take time to bring your relationship to God you need to listen

I have never felt this strong love for someone before
But that doesn't matter
God said no
Who knows why
Only God himself will tell me
In his own time

Was I keeping him back
Pushing him too much
Am I digressing because of this relationship

Whatever the case, God looked right at me and said
No

Who am I to disobey when I asked for instruction