Thirteen is a lucky number,
Right?
Or maybe its cursed.

Works in my favor either way really.
Thirteen round little pills,
Shaking in my palm.

Maybe I'll live?
Hopefully I won't.

Thirteen little pills lined up in a row.
Should I take them fast?
Or should I take them slow?

one
two
three

Do I really want this?

four
five
six

I want to sleep forever.

eight
nine
ten

Sweet dream world...

e
l
  e
   v
    e
     n


t
   w
    e
      l
       v
        e

  
t
  h
   i
    r
     t
      e
       e
        n

Just because you are addicted to drugs,
Doesn't mean I wasn't 4.
Doesn't mean she wasn't 2.
But it does mean that I was forced to be a mother.

Because you weren't around,
Meant I had no mother.
Meant I was a terrified little girl.
Meant, at 4 years old, I was her mommy.

Just because you are here now,
Doesn't mean that i love you anymore.
Doesn't mean that you deserve her love.
Doesn't mean that you are a mother to me.

But out of all these things that have happened,
you have proven to me one thing.

*"Your'e no daughter of mine, just a wanna be trying to take my place."

Shh baby girl, it'll be okay

On the cold wooden floor she lies,
Her small body trembling with fear,
Three nights before Christmas.

Her eyes clenched in terror,
As a rough hand moves down her body.
Her silent sobs cannot be heard.

With her mother in the next room,
A  4 year old girl's innocence is taken,
Just in time for Christmas.

Shh baby girl, it'll be okay

A 6 year old girl alone with a friend,
Locked in an old dark shed.
Unfamiliar touches cross her body again.

A friend whose touch in no longer kind,
One little girl who is trapped inside her mind.
Another set of sobs that are forever silenced.

A little girl who was discarded,
A broken toy.
This little girl was nothing but used.

Shh baby girl, it'll be okay

A young teen speaks the truth,
She sits in a chair
Before judgmental eyes.

She speaks of a man
From many years ago,
And of the friend she used to know.

The eyes just narrow tightly and scold,
It's the little girl's fault,
She should have yelled out.

These eyes don't care that the man was armed.
These eyes don't care that the girl was strong.

These eyes defend their son,
The one who is in jail for molesting his sister,
But as his cousin, *I don't count.

These eyes defend their daughter,
The one who was violated herself.
They said I was overreacting,
It is I who was the bad judge of character.

To this day, there is a little girl,
Trapped and trembling,
Scarred and scared.
Trapped forever inside her adult body.

*Shh baby girl, it'll be okay

Everyday I wear a smile,
Paint on a happy face,
And slip on a coat of confidence
That only I know doesn't really exist.

I pretend to remember the good times,
Ignore the bad times if need be,
And wash my hands of all the pain
That constantly eats away at my reserves.

Only I can see the tears that were cried,
The blood that was spilled,
And the lesions that had formed
From the cuts on my battered soul,
But I can't afford to let others
See the aching inside of me
Because if there's one thing I can't take,
It's the pity of those who've suffered greater.

Then I meet those who haven't known a single trial.
Who go through life oblivious to the hurt
That haunts me everyday.
I long to be naive and innocent,
But its one thing that I cannot
And never will be able to obtain.

So I wear my facade,
Determined not to let it show,
And when the wounds I hide,
Manage to ooze past the walls that I have built,
I **** it back in and pretend it never happened
And everyone goes back to their regular routine.

Every day of my life is a lie,
Because I refuse to let anyone see how much I hurt.
They wouldn't understand,
Nor would they truly care about it.

So I just wear a smile,
Paint on a happy face,
And slip on a coat of confidence
That I know will never really be mine.