In my defense, I swear
It wasn’t my idea
She said she was lonely
Needed a friendly ear

I thought we were friends
Turns out more than that
She asked to undress
I’m on the phone, who cares

I kept my pants on, mostly
And didn’t talk much
I really didn’t need to
She had her own fun

Then you and I dated
I never expected it
She gives me weird looks
I think she remembers it

Hey you forgot to close the blinds again
You have to know the distance isn’t far
I can see right through with the lights on
And now you are getting ready for bed

Who takes a shower this late at night
And no, I’m not sitting at the window for you
I am an accidental viewer taking in a show
I swear I’m not a creep, just right place right time

How fast do I have to look away embarrassed
To still be considered a mannerly gentleman
And not some disgusting ******, enjoying it
But to be honest, you look too good to stop

Blackest night in a stormy sea
I cannot keep my feet
The tempest has overwhelmed
And I am so lost, adrift

The cold rain grips me like a vise
The ocean will take me
The end is nigh, a certainty now
Say my own last rites

Blinded by snow and ice, breathless
Hurricane unrelenting
And my faith has failed me finally
Then your light, your light

Guide me, shelter me with your beam
Bring me home, my sentinel
Your lone ray is my hope renewed
My last salvation from ruin

I had hoped to bring you a keeper
The cyclone led me astray
I will be your guardian one day soon
But today you are my beacon

It’s really strange to pay you
To find out who I am in this head
Maybe I should just talk to a mirror
It would at least be cheaper

I came in to talk about suicide
And now we are all over the place
Now I have PTSD and a divorce
But at least I know why I’m crazy

What do you mean I’m not ready
To run out and find another wife?
I don’t see how too few months
Means I’m too messed up to love

Actually, you are probably right
I probably just need to find a lay
Be honest and forthright about me
But get the hell out of there after

Thanks for the session
It was certainly enlightening
I’m no less crazy then before
But now at least I know it

You added another item to your list
Of things to hold back the voices
Something to occupy your mind
While you drown out nasty noises

It’s sporting to watch in a sick way
Like waiting for a dam to burst
Will you take up quidditch next or
Reach for a bottle to slake your thirst

I’m sorry but your battle is being lost
And I have a nasty habit of truth telling
One day you’ll run out of hobbies
Because your mind won’t quit rebelling

It was a no-lose kind of night
Until I put an L in the win column
Life is a never-ending equation
When you are the unsolvable problem

Sincerely thanks
For everything
This optimal
Version of me
Is possible
Because of you

That being said
Sadly things die
Others are born
Now I can say
The queen is dead
Long live the queen

Turning the sky to a wave of ink
Consuming all in my path
Engulfing that which I love
Devastation when I depart
Force of nature undefeated
The Black Hurricane of me

Falling up and falling down
Whiplash hurts the same
You weren’t an option
Until you made yourself one

Whirlwind of emotions
New replacing the old
I carried you with me
I can’t carry you anymore

When I’m wide open to you
And you keep hiding from me
I can’t help your reflection
Because I don’t see the same

I’ll never understand your silence
Why suffer so much all alone
When I am screaming, begging
I’ll be whatever you need

I give up, you can go now
Find the one you can open up to
Because I wasn’t enough
But not for lack of trying

A fleeting feeling like a shallow stab
An invasive insight I’m forced to grasp

Because if I miss you I start anew
Facing a nascent nightmare to see through

What if I miss you today and can’t stop
What if this sheer climb has no mountaintop

I missed you today and didn’t dare voice it
Because silence from you would be poison

Long car ride crushed in the back middle seat
Beach Boys’ Pet Sounds playing on the radio
Sea air letting us know we were getting closer
Sand slowly replacing the grass along the highway
The excitement of reaching dangerous Suicide Alley
And turning up Sloop John B when it finally comes on
I remember it all so clearly as if this morning
A happy family on their yearly odyssey to the beach
Growing boys unknowing the trials that lay ahead
That these innocent times could never truly last
Take me to Nauset, my favorite lighthouse
And live through paintings that will never be added to
As each summer slowly trickles the souls in the car
Dwindling and diminishing to an inevitable end
And then renewed as a new core grows
As I introduce new lives to the majestic Highland
And round the large hook passed by Pilgrims
Brave the breaks, cracks, and scars of a full life
Pick yourself up, dust yourself off one more time
Make the trek you know like the back of your hand
One less in the car, one more to come someday

The cynics are happy to tell you
True love is a myth from fairy tales
It doesn’t exist in this world’s reality
Love will not conquer all, no soul mates
Make your compromises and find a match
Find someone just good enough to work
True love is for suckers and romantics

You made them all look like skeptical fools
You proved the one I could always rely on
You saw in me the beauty not the beast
You were my best friend through it all
The rock in which I based my strength
The one rocking in the chair next to me
And I’ll love you until my last breath

Envelopment of cold darkness
Empty atmosphere enclosing
Falling deeper into the void
Desperate for a sign of light
For comfort of an end to the end
Extinguishing eternal non-existence
Please God let there be God

Just another check-in to see how things are
Are you still playing your greatest hits?
Avoiding the mirror again so you don’t see
You found another way to be your worst self

The phone is your only companion and enemy
Giving you the outlet for another devil moment
When you reach out to a supposed lifesaver
That you will inevitably try to drown with you

Round and round goes your never-ending circus
And here I am guardian angel to a clown car
Will you ever take stock of the rubble left behind?
Or do you find solace in the destruction?

It occurred to me
Am I evil or just fun?
Then the cops showed

I was broken when you found me
A lost ship with a shattered keel
You showed up late to our first date
I didn’t know just how I would feel

You know how long it’s taken me
To put what we have into verse
I hate love poems and cliches
When I can just plainly converse

There is something messing me up
Something I'm willing to confess
Loving you scares me to death
Because it’s so easy, I guess

Below is a comprehensive list
Of the woman I want, but just the gist

Smarter than me isn’t saying much
And not too much, but just a touch

So beautiful that she leaves me defenseless
It’s kind of important to me, I must confess

It would be great if she had a really nice job
So she doesn’t pick a bank for me to rob

Oh and of course I want her to be very funny
I’d even be okay if she was just super punny

She needs to care about me and my interests
Which are not all that numerous, I like my rest

The last thing is she needs to be my best friend
I want the type of relationship that never ends

A vision of the sand and waves endlessly
Unending sky and sundown magenta

The slow rock of the chair and me in the breeze
A glance to my right and vacant stare to infinity

My mistake left me here to contemplate fate
Of a solitary life without the love of another

I yearn for one who can see through my scarred form
Unconditionally accept the soul which rests inside

Will you stay here and be all I ever needed?
Will you fill this empty chair here, love?

Pulling at the strings of my soul
Tearing the tendons holding me together
Snapping the bones of my frame
Destroying all that makes me

Please stop the churn of my chest
The turmoil and spin of my viscera
Stealing my love and my laugh
Demeaning the light I can emit

Prescient that I never **** you
Time after time I will fight
Savor a daily victory or loss
Don’t think you will ever beat me

Breaking just after I had my last break
Taking the chance I was too afraid to take

Embracing another by accepting her embrace
Racing to her arms after refusing the race

Thawing my heart when I doubted the thaw
Dawning on me that I found my new dawn

Every two weeks I take a trip
Always ending in the big dig
I open my soul to a stranger

Tell her your innermost feelings
Who you love and hate in this world
Open another vein and pour it out

Keep my wounds open to air
Prying apart the fiber of myself
Do no harm after doing harm

Take a deep breath and exhale
It’s all out there for exhibition
And a return trip in two weeks

A storm like this
We never saw coming
Cold November
Icy winds so numbing

Blinded by white
Hurricane of white sheen
I cannot see
Ship is starting to lean

Erie has roared
Inland sea upheaval
I fear sinking
Nothing for retrieval

But we can’t leave
Our light may save others
Our duty clear
As the vessel shudders

My hurried words
Are probably my last
Goodbye, Nellie
Ship is breaking up fast

You are my past and my never again
You left me but I left you faster
And I know I won’t ever look back
But why can’t I move forward
I want to feel my heart pounding
When she finally says I love you
When I can tell her I’m ready for her
When the ghosts are gone
And all that’s left is to fall
Into her arms and never to leave
God, I hate me so much right now

The swirl has begun again
The impending cyclone returns
And I am overwhelmed once more
A violent disturbance breaks me

It will follow its well-worn path
Through my mind and weary soul
Nothing shown mercy or quarter
Weak as the terror tears through

And I look to you my only one
As I lay my pained head on your lap
I will not surrender to the storm
But I will surrender myself to you

They never saw someone like you
The waitress with the auburn hair
Floating from patron to patron
Green dress waving, smiles to spare

I knew I needed to make you mine
And third time’s the charm they say
I would **** just to be with you
Love for you never to decay

I made mistakes along the way
I just wish you had listened more
Awash under a crescent moon
I left you to come back ashore

My monumental masterpiece
Permanent porcelain skin tight
No one can love you like I did
I made sure of that our last night

It was such a strange thing as a young boy
To make your way with an eye to the future
To think about adulthood with the eyes of a child
And to set a path without knowing the cost

And the way life makes these choices more stark
Like when you bury your father as a teenager
Decide to put on a uniform before you can drink
Sent to war before you know yourself truly

You suffer through a limbo of loneliness and haze
Numb your pain with the medicine they give you
Promise that you are okay and couldn’t be better
Just in the process of healing but falling deeper

Pick yourself up and brush yourself off
Start a new life in the family you always knew
Pretend you have it all figured out now
And start that family you wanted from day one

Plunge into something you swore was right
Take your vow and shut your mouth
Turn off the voice that says it’s not
Enter into a state of stasis devoid of passion

From your greatest mistake your greatest gift
A little girl who is too much all her own
But not free of the mistakes you already made
Now sentenced to a life you never wanted for her

The death of a love you swore to uphold
Ripped from your fingers and no chance to hold
The betrayal from the one you didn’t trust fully
Setting you on a road all your own again

Took 37 years to find the one you thought
Now dust yourself and start all over
Add another perfect soul to the ledger
Because it’s all a waste if she’s not loved

Who the hell ever thought I’d see the apex
Looking back on the detritus of a climb

Surveying the summit of my ascension
I let myself feel just a ripple of pride

It took way more crutches, crawling, and clutching
Than I imagined at my journey's nadir

I feel the clean air for a moment longer
I guess it’s time to go find my new mountain

You can’t see fetid decay
Evidence of damnation
Until you step back and see
Need for rejuvenation

The spell finally broken
I can’t see all that I did
The fog cleared from my eyes
Love turned from fresh to rancid

I need to move on from here
Find the space to find myself
A new home to call my own
A better place for my health

My refuge in coming storm
My beacon in darkest night
My solace in crushing loss
My support in life’s fight

You were important to me
Before I reached coming dawn
Some things seem to disappear
They are never fully gone

Why can’t you just leave well enough alone for once?
You don’t need to say every **** thing living in your head
Do you think it makes you some sort of savant?
Because maybe you should just keep it to yourself now and again
Would it **** you to give everyone in your life a break?
Keep a stiff upper lip instead of being a raw, exposed nerve
Could we maybe spare the world your feelings?
Sooner or later people just won’t want to listen anymore

I’ve said all I need to say
To tell you how I feel
What the path ahead is
Where you fit in it
Or how to walk away
Crystal clear vision
Of ups, downs, sorrows
And unmatched highs
Stay with me tonight
Or leave in the dark
But no more talking
It’s time for clarity

My navigator in the darkest of oceans
My immovable shield amid the onslaught
My opposite pole keeping me centered
My constant in this chaotic world of mine
My cure to parallax when I lose perspective
My azimuth to bring me back to the right path
My true north to bring me home to you
My North Star, My Polaris

Prided himself on invulnerability

An impervious monolith  

Covered with impenetrable armor

Until the strike, clash, clang

Brought down low to a knee

Bloodied, blinded, wounded

Armor shattered, divided

Fully exposed to the blows

Stronger somehow, someway

Resolve is his new defense

Friends just keep saying
It’s good to have you back
Thanks, good to be back

You don’t get to choose the person, place, or time
Life would have been much easier if I chose you too
You did your part but it just couldn’t work that way
You wished to wear my ring but it wasn’t yours to take

Get the hell away from me and leave me to my devices
Hearts can’t heal when the scabs keep getting exposed
As long as I am here you will never close your open wound
I wish I loved you the way you wanted, but I never will

Hushed whispers carry your demands
A litany of games needing enumeration
I take your direction of my next actions
Prepare to place you under my power

Tie them tighter to ensure compliance
The lack of control is the best part it seems
Hands and feet immobile and trembling
Your fiery eyes extinguished by blindfold

You convulse as I grasp and grip you
My fingers reach your neck and I squeeze
Breathing is shallow but deep in your chest
Harder, you say, but don’t leave a mark

Welcome to our session dear reader
Your participation makes you my therapist
I will regale you with the tale of a silly man
Who fell in love and now can’t get out

Why have I chosen you to unleash this?
Because everyone else is sick of hearing it
I’ve exhausted all personal means
Of excising burdensome love unrequited

Your credentials are the least of my worries
The love of my life proves challenging
She is an amazing, beautiful, intelligent
Aggravating, over-analyzing, angel of a liar

You are right, those are not all positive attributes
But I learned a thing about loving someone
You focus on the positives and hold on
While accepting the flaws that make her, her

Why am I bothering you if I am so in love?
You see, I am hers but she is not mine
My only claim is making her smile
Which I know were both real and rare

Your professional opinion is to walk away
Alas, that is not remotely possible
I have basked in her glow too long
That I can’t even leave her shadow

What do I want from you and your time?
Just a friendly ear to bend now and again
With this sad story of woe and love
Same time next week will do just fine

I am blind and cannot see
But my heart knows the way
The path is clear but treacherous
But I know nothing worth having is easily had
Is this the climb before my fall?
From here, I can’t see the end
I will not yield to my fears
They are based on my past, not my future
An unwritten future, a black monolith
But my fear is paired with freedom
As I write the next pages
I ascend to my waiting fate
With the wing at my back
And courage in my heart
I embrace what could tear me asunder
And take in the view as I climb
Catch me if I stumble, my love
I grow stronger with each uneven step
I learn from each wrong turn
And now I see the summit
To which I must walk alone
I carry your heart in my heart
But each step is my own
It is time to find your apex
Apart from my obsession
While it doesn’t look as I imagined
The view from here is life changing
These images I will take my me
On my new journey
My hard-won perspective with me always

I want to make this kind but firm
I don’t hate you whatsoever
But don’t mistake my intention
My heart is closed to you forever

It’s not all your fault why it’s gone
You pushed and I dealt a final shove
I’ve learned lessons to take with me
Now live in the shadow of my love

I know I will still find my happy ending
My other half to walk beside me
To fill the empty chair you left behind
The best friend you could never be

My last words on this are thank you
For freeing me from my cold prison
To find the one who makes me better
My soul is born again, it is risen

The feeling only comes
When the night advances
When the light extinguishes
When my mind weakens
When actions don’t matter
When the whispers start
When I want to break
When I want the light to flash
I need to remember
Place it where it belongs
Give it to those worthy
Keep the faith
And fear no more