It's hard to stay on top of the chaos,
To walk into college,
Smile at friends,
Laugh,
Go to work,
Smile again,
Laugh some more,
Go home,
Smile yet again,
Make conversation,
Say how good your day was,
Go to your room,
Cry,
Write,
Struggle to breathe because you're panicking
About how you might not be able to do it tomorrow,
Or the day after,
Or the day after that.
I could walk into college and say I'm leaving,
Walk into work and say I quit,
Go home and pack my bags and sneak out the back gate,
Disappear into the night,
So I can finally discard the mask,
Relax my face so my tear ducts open up,
Let the muscles uncoil in my legs
So I can just collapse onto the floor
And forget why I ever bothered pretending.

Anyway, I better stop writing.
I have to do it all again tomorrow.

The battle is smaller than the bombs that shatter the tranquillity of the planet,
The war is more personal than guns spitting out their venomous bullets,
The fight is harder than fists colliding with skin and bones.

Inside, chaos rules

One scar for every insult  I thought
One more minute with my head down the toilet  I cried
One more twisted moment of despair  I prayed

Yet I am still here.
The only bullets I need are the words of encouragment,
The only war I will win is the war of self control,
The only time you will see me surrender,
**Is when I'm already dead.

Let's raise a glass to friends we never made,
Serve up our trust stone cold on a silver plate,
Cut it up and we'll take it like a savage,
You have to act like one if you want to ravage.

Make a toast to the enemies we'll always see,
On the streets, in our dreams, on the TV screen,
Grow prosperous from the thought of destruction,
Use and abuse like it's the way we were meant to function.

Bow your head to another dead hope,
Hanging at the end of a piece of rope,
Watch it fade from this tragic scene,
Of the wrecked up life that was only eighteen.

Closing my eyes,
I'm afraid of heights,
These skyscraper fears
Are crumbling beneath
My feet and I have
Nothing to hold onto.
I will live like tomorrow
Is never going to come,
But I'm not ready to fall
To my death,
My wings have been clipped
I'm weak,
I'm selfish,
I need the safety net
Beneath my shaking feet.

No,
Push me,
Let me fall,
Let the air kiss my cheeks
Like sharp, cold knives
As I plummet into chaos
And pierce the Earth
Like a meteor.

Shallow breaths tremble from my lips,
Eyes glazed by the cold,
Air from my lungs lingering in the air,
Frozen souls that evaporate like ghosts,
Nothingness
Trees wilting in the whitewash sunlight,
Stripped bare and left to die naked,
Left to shrivel in it's own humiliation.
Nature hides in the dark,
It does not dare tread on the snow,
Beneath it's crisp skin lies the remnants,
The remnants of those left to succumb
To the bitter rage of Winter,
The glacial wrath as it torments my world,
Sending it spiralling into an ice age
That buries itself deep into the marrow
Of my quivering bones.
I am saturated in it's Arctic wake.

I've always wanted to see what it is like to be me from an external perspective,
To separate from my body
Like a ghost
And watch myself as I go through the day.

I have some idea of how it would be:

He wakes up in the morning, stretching and feeling his muscles uncoil after hours of claustrophobic unrest,
After showering and getting ready he leaves the house and walks to college. It's healthier than taking a bus.
He walks past the crowds of school kids, sorting out his shirt and ******* in a little so people don't stare,
Sighing a breath of relief as they all float past, their eyes only fixated on their phones and friend's faces.
When he arrives at college he braves the main corridor where everybody sits, eyes on the floor but feeling hundreds of others scanning and mocking his image.
It has been a long day, and he finally gets to go home where he can feel free and let himself go a little.

And that's when I'd come back to myself.
I wish I could replay the whole day on a screen,
Analyse every moment of wrapping my arms lightly around my stomach when I sit down,
How I shrink into the background as friends start talking about their *** life and their partners,
When I walk with my gaze constantly skimming across the faded linoleum tiles on the floor,

**I wish I could watch myself from another person's perspective and be that one person who he knows won't judge him, or at least won't feel paranoid about being judged.

The adrenaline courses through my veins,
The thrill of the fight
A storm in the night

My skin tingles with anticipation,
Free-falling from the sky
The echo of a wolf's cry

My heart pounds with excitement,
On the edge of Space
The end of a race

I've experienced so much
*But I have seen so little

Another night curled up in a ball,
Feeling broken, unfixable,
Thinking of ways to stop it all,
Behind a forced smile to stop the tears fall.

Feeling guilty and so ashamed,
I only have myself to blame,
But everyone else is the same,
Turn a blind eye and ignore my name.

A doctor's appointment is so last year,
Barely there to tame the fear,
Pushed those away who were always near,
Just so I know where I am going from here.

Verse One
I took a chance
And now we dance deep into the darkest nights,
I love the way we dance,
Get higher than the fireworks that burn so bright,
We're just a team,
Against all odds and the courage pulses through our veins,
Torn at the seams,
We're damaged but I promise we will never be the same

Chorus
Oh, we're letting go,
It's all for show,
And we'll let the world know,
No more chasing bad times,
No more simple sad crimes,
No more being who we aren't supposed to be,
It's only you and me.

Verse 2
It's make believe,
The stories we've been told about the universe,
We're so naive,
Thinking it gets better but it's getting more than worse,
Let's make a change,
Make a vow to never face the bad times alone,
Let's rearrange,
All the crushed remains of the rules we set in stone

Chorus
Oh, we're letting go,
It's all for show,
And we'll let the world know,
No more chasing bad times,
No more simple sad crimes,
No more being who we aren't supposed to be,
It's only you and me.

Bridge
We're letting go,
We put on a show,
Making promises we know we'd trash,
Because we know these bad times will never last

Chorus**
Oh, we're letting go,
It's all for show,
And we'll let the world know,
No more chasing bad times,
No more simple sad crimes,
No more being who we aren't supposed to be,
It's only you and me.

The bad times were the times that set us free.

A deer in the headlights,
As you come running towards me,
Arms spread wide,
Looking like you're glad to see me,
So I try,
To smile and look so happy,
But I cry,
To see you pretend like you still love me.

I'll testify,
In front of the world and say you're a liar,
I'll watch your world untie,
Into the chains you wore and watch you expire,
And if I have to die,
To see the crumbling of your empire,
I will smile,
Because I know I have a messiah,

And you have nothing left to hold,
I possess all of the gold,
You turn to dust and blow away,
While I cope with another day
**Without you.

Can you hear the church bells ring?
Hollow footsteps that cascade through
The empty pews and end inside
The confessional stand,
Stained glass windows refract rays of sunlight
And projects a radiant glow upon a thousand
Prayers that are intertwined with the aroma
Of polished wood and frail pages of the bible,
The Lord works in mysterious ways
I tell myself as I trace my steps down the alter
Where you left me.
I feel the phantom shadow of his embrace
Trail behind me,
Never losing sight,
Never letting go,
And yet I still fall to my knees
And pray for mercy,
I have not sinned,
Nor have I failed to ignore
My calling,

But even the most loyal of angels
Must have their wings clipped
*And their innocence stripped clean.

I did it again this morning.

I did the walk of shame to the scales in the bathroom.

I promised myself that I would stop doing it,
Stop shaming myself in front of the bathroom mirror
As the numbers rolled higher and higher,
A wheel of misfortune.

8 stone
9 stone
Please stop there
10 stone
11 stone
11 and half stone
Stop.

It's a surface consisting of metal and plastic,
It can't dominate my image,
But even if they weren't there I can still see it,
The inches on my waist slowly increasing,
My t-shirt size creeping from a small to a medium,
Other people who haven't seen me for a while making a comment about my image,
Wow Lew, what have you been eating?
*My feelings, thanks for pointing it out in front of everyone.

Beautiful girl,
She breathes creativity,
I love her so much.

I have unravelled,
Leave me be and shut the door,
I'm done with this place.

I want to cry.
I want to cry,
Cry,
Cry,
And hope that the tears are the 500 calories I didn't want.

Nobody is listening,
I beg them to stop giving me unhealthy food,
I'm trying to cut down
But they continue to give it to me.

Wow you've put on weight, getting a bit porky aren't you?

The cycle starts again.
Cry,
Wallow in self pity,
Feel so much shame because of the ice cream someone made me even though I said no,
Then they wonder why I get so angry and frustrated,
Then tell me to stop being silly and that I need to eat.

Don't tell me one thing,
Then call me another.
Believe
it
or
not,
It's hard to eat the food in front of me when I know that each bite equals to another unneeded remark about the shame that hangs from my bones that I am desperately trying to shift.

A good friend told me he didn't know what to write. He wanted to, but he didn't have the motive or inspiration to carry it through.
This one is for you.

When you write, don't act on the impulse purely because you want to,
You have to feel what you write,
Right down to every last gruelling piece of punctuation.
And I don't mean write as soon as you feel a connection,
You have to truly believe in what you write,
Like every single molecule in your body is screaming
At you,
Telling you to be beautiful in the words you choose.
Harness your emotions,
If you feel euphoric and happy,
Capture it,
If you are feeling angry or there is sadness inside of you,
Purge it, let it flow and then read it back and you'll see how much
You have released in a short space of time.
Don't be afraid of what you write,
Be bold,
Be fearless,
Don't be scared of what people might think
If you let them see it,
Don't shy away from any details that you might want to include,
Nobody judges a writer.
Add what you want,
It is your recipe for creativity and you are in control of the final product.

Write what you feel and feel what you write.