You called me up.
I was expecting to hear
from you again.
I put down the remote,
seized the car keys
and drove.
I was beginning to think
I was the only number
in your phone,
winding my rickety vehicle along
neon-drenched streets.
What was it going to be this time?
I’d seen the words
drooled on your hands,
the frowning duvet
ten times or more before.
You’d bathe with your clothes on,
leave fingerprints on hotel windows.
I went along with it all.
Yes, of course I did,
our silver thumb stamps
wedded in a hundred rooms.
When I arrived
you told me about knee-high socks,
vowels slinking out your mouth
like each one was made of wine.
3am.
I touched your nose-ring,
you tugged at my shirt.
Yes. Yes.
I drove you home.

I don't want you to miss me
Like an arm or a lung.
I would miss you like that
If you hated me, if you were gone,
And maybe you'd feel
The same.
But away as you are
Reluctantly,
Briefly,
In love and in faith,
I hope you miss me smaller,
Lighter,
Warmer.
I want missing me to go with you wherever you are
Not like a raincloud or a looming shadow
But like
Like a small love note
A little slip of paper, almost inconsequential,
Something you see and smile and think,
"I'll keep this."
Something you fold up small and slide into the bottom of your coat pocket
And fiddle with whenever you're bored or lonely
And maybe sometimes you forget it, maybe it doesn't always catch your notice
But then the wind blows and in the cold you push your hands
Deep into those pockets
And your fingers brush the thought of me and how I love you
And a smile spreads across your face.
Maybe you take it out and look it over,
And then decide to put it back so that can happen
All over again.
I want you to miss me like that.
I want it to be something sweet and small, something that can travel with you
And never weigh you down.
It's true that I think of you whenever I am sat in silence for more than a moment
And I do the same sort of thing
Maybe too often, maybe too fondly.
Maybe my little love note would be creased and worn
And rubbed a little blurry from the pads of my fingers tracing your words.
But nonetheless
You are so easy to take along with me
The thought of you so warm and comforting and
Light
But strong.
I want that for you.
I want to be easy to hold
So that maybe you will never
Let me go.

your role is to be gorgeous
                                    desirable
                                         remote and unattainable
mine is to yearn and moan
                                            then lie down and die
                                                      as I’m taunted, forsaken and abandoned
                                                                             by my illusions of you

I should be touching the stars still
Because I have you, holding me in your arms
But I'm slowly falling again
About to hit the ocean's roaring surface
About to shatter, then sink
So hold me close, and never let go,
promise me
If I break, you'll piece me back together
Promise me
If I wander away, you'll follow me
You'll find me and bring me home
Promise me,
promise me,
promise me
You'll only ever tighten your grip
but don't smother me, no
Help me breathe
Just promise you won't give up on me
When I am falling, you'll catch me
promise me,
promise me,
oh, please, promise me
you won't leave me to fade away
alone.