I’ve got problems
I know I do
But I ignore them
Constantly thinking others have it worse
They have it worse
Than the occasional yelling
They have it worse
Than the feeling of being isolated
They have it worse
Than the occasional self-loathing.
I feel like I can’t get help,
Why should I waste anyone's time
With problems that don’t even matter
Compared to others?
Others have abusive parents,
Others are constantly yelled at,
Others are going through so much worse
Than I have ever gone through.
But then why do I feel this way?
Like I have things not resolved,
Like I’m not enough?
Like I feel bad for wanting help?
I can’t help but compare myself to others,
And I can’t help but think I’m insignificant
Compared to everyone
Who has it way worse than I do.

I break down when I am finally asked how I feel.
No one has asked in years.
I’ve kept it all
Locked up inside
So no one can see
How I’m truly breaking.
I’ve never felt good enough
To be part of this world,
I self harm in the least obvious ways,
I try not to show anything,
For fear of being weak.
So when I was finally asked how I feel,
I cry for the first time in years,
I let out my anger for life,
My grief for those who have been lost,
My sadness that no one cared,
My happiness that someone finally noticed,
Then when I’m done,
I look up and say “i’m fine”
I say thank you,
And walk away.
I feel refreshed knowing someone cared,
Even if it was common courtesy.
Though I’m still scared,
Scared someone will see
How broken I am on the inside

It’s 2 am
And I can hear something
I make out the voices of my parents
Yelling and screaming
I **** awake,
And listen to their “conversation”
I know they are fighting about
Something Trivial
I just cower under my bed covers
Knowing I will feel the backlash in the morning
I can hear their fight escalate
I can hear the things they yell
“You’re useless”
“It’s all your fault”
“Why don’t you just leave?”
I know the answer to that one at least,
They stay together for my siblings and I.
I just fear the day when they finally realize
We are adult enough to handle a divorce.
I fear the day they realize
We aren’t enough to keep them together
I just fear the day they acknowledge
The growing gap between them

You constantly belittle me
You constantly insult me
You constantly make me feel weak
Every little thing you say
Strikes deep in my heart
The heart can only take so much
Before it just shuts off
But you want that don’t you?
You want to see me fall
And break
And just get out if your way
Gods it hurt
Someone who I loved as a brother
Started to bully me
You know things about me
Those things you promised never to bring up
Then you go and do it
In front of my parents
My friends
And the school
Do you know how that feels?
It makes me want to die
The fact I can’t even keep a friend
That won’t betray me
Makes me feel so SAD
And ANGRY
Everything you say
Just adds insult to the injury
You exposed my darkest secrets
My biggest fears
And my deepest passions
All for what?
To humiliate?
Shame?
Destroy maybe?
Well you succeeded
You hurt me
Your broke my trust
You made me stone hearted again
And I HATE you for that

Who’s going to save me
When I’m saving everyone else?
Who’s going to save me
When I cry myself to sleep at night?
Who’s going to save me
When I have a blade to my wrist?
Who’s going to save me
When the voices are screaming in my head?
The answer is nobody
While I’m out saving others,
Nobody is helping me.
I’m drowning
In the dark thoughts
Full of despair and darkness.
And with no one to help me,
I might as well succumb
To Death's sweet song.

The voices,
Always there,
Singing their song of death.
I try to escape
It’s evil intent,
But it’s relentless,
Their song.
It’s beautiful tune
Draws me in
With it’s never ending melody.
I can’t get away,
And I don’t think I want to anymore.
With its encouraging words,
And it’s perilous ways,
I couldn’t resist
Succumbing to its dark seduction.

Heavy heart,
Blurry eyes,
Pounding head,
Waiting for it to be over.
Pain is everywhere,
I can’t stand.
I crawl into my room
And fall into a deep slumber.
Woken up
Feeling refreshed.
Apologies from last night,
And I accept,
For I don’t want the pain again.
Even if it’s inevitable,
The horrible cause
Stands there taunting me
Waiting for me to succumb
To it’s dark allure.
I finally break.
It numbs the pain
But now I’m like THEM,
A monster in disguise.