I didn't mean to,


and I'm so terribly sorry for what I've caused.

Does your heart still beat when you see me?

your love is hidden
and you dwindle into water molecules,
floating in the agitated curling mist.
my voice is scraped raw,
even though I never spoke.
Are you even there?
Are you hidden, or gone?

God how I miss you.

When I was little,
I donned my "Angel Eyes."
They helped me see right and wrong,
And helped me love the unlovable.

Years later,
I use them to love myself.
I can see right and wrong,
And I know how to find beauty in every broken person I see,
Because I know they're just like me.

I will never get tired of loving you.

You were such a Lion Hearted Girl.
How do I stop feeling this way.
stop the guilt and the longing.
You never apologized for how you felt,
Life was tough, but so were you.
You were so harsh and sharp,
yet when you spoke to me you became malleable and soft.
God I miss you, but i didn't when you were mine.
Which is a sign as clear as any other...

I miss you,
even when your face rests in front of mine.
I'm jealous,
Even though I was the one to tear us apart.
I should have kept trying to fall for what was already mine.

There's a heaviness to my bones,
A stillness to the air I'm breathing.
Everything aches,
my whole body wrung through and bruising.
but it feels pleasant,
This gravity weighing me down,
The heaviness in my eyes.
I think I'll simply rest, here in your arms.

Trying to be perfect,
is killing me,
sending acid in my veins
Fire in my lungs.
Maybe I'll just wilt away
And show you what you've created.

I love you so ******* much that it hurts.

You remind me of the blue irises I used to walk past.
Disappearing when the world becomes frigid and dark,
And raising your striped arms, as soon as the sun appears.
You know how to sway your body,
Matching the movements of this world.
You appear cold and uncaring, but at your center is a heart of yellow,
Pure and warm and safe.
Yes, you are an Iris.
A beautiful flower, too far for me to see.

I know i liked too many of your poems.
I know I'm being clingy.
Ignore me.
Pretend I didn't almost reach out.

I miss you.
I miss your laugh,
I miss the way you smell, of ocean waves and soap.
I miss the sound of my name on your lips,
Spoken like honey.
Sweetheart, why did you leave?

Can I take you back?
Give in, lift you up in surrender?
Let you breathe me in and drink my love?
I miss your arms, and your simple touches.
*******, I know I was the one to help you leave,
But I wish I had been selfish. I wish I'd told you stay.

Ironically, the only friend who'd understand I've drifted from.
I used to not miss her, but now all I want is to explain my situation to her.
I used to scoff when she said the word Love,
It was like a mantra, appearing at every friend she made.
But I think I understand.
Can I break the distance? Can we talk?
...
I don't know who I am.
Can you tell me?
You used to...
I never thought I would like girls.
Is this a phase?
Can you answer me? Do you understand?
I pray to god you read this poem.
I really just want my best friend....

To the girl with long brown hair,
Your eyes are intoxicatingly intricate,
And I didn’t notice until
They wouldn’t leave my head.
Until they were all I could see...
Until they had left a haunting on my heart.
•••
To the girl with glasses,
I didn’t realize what was missing.
I didn’t know how I needed you...
And suddenly you were there...
And I felt whole.
•••
To the girl who smells of soap
and ocean waves,
I didn’t- couldn’t- express my feelings.
That day that you expressed yours.
Inside my heart, an unpredictable sea.
But the storm has passed,
and I know now.....
But it’s too late,
Opportunity missed,
like a leaf in the wind.
•••
To the girl who sings,
You feel of late night vibes,
A constant reminder of delirious laughter
And whispered secrets.
...
I know you have to go,
I even understand that you’ll be back...
I know it shouldn’t make a difference,
But it does
And I’m still hurting.

•••
To the girl of roleplays,
I know it’s lame to say this,
But when our characters,
Touch and love and kiss...
My stomach gets a million butterflies
And my heart does backflips.
•••
To the girl named Avery,
If I could express my feelings,
I would.
But you feel for another,
And my parents restrict on who I can love,
So I will sit here,
In my veil of       S   I   L   E   N  C   E
•••
To you, my sweetheart...
You make every day worth living,
And I know we hugged goodbye,
But I still cried myself to sleep last night.
•••
To the girl I love,
You are the most;
Smart, kind, ethereal, funny and cunning
person that I know.
•••
I can imagine us in our twenties.
In only our T-shirt’s and underwear,
We cook and dance.
It’s early, but you sing anyway,
as I only grumble at the time...
———————————————————
You hug me from behind,
And I kiss your cheek.
You’ll say “Morning Sunshine”
And I’ll sleepily reply,
“Morning Sweetheart”.

I imagine evenings where you are ranting,
Pacing our living space.
I’ll sit and listen, a cup of wine in my hand.
In the end, I’ll offer comfort and love,
Laying your head down on my lap,
I’ll hum,
I’ll play with your hair,
I’ll give you my thoughts,
And if you fall asleep,
I’ll lay there all night,
so as not to wake you.

I imagine you getting overwhelmed,
By all my emotions and irrationality,
But somehow still finding it endearing.
I imagine bumps and cracks,
But in the end, it’ll all be worth it....

I imagine us.
And I’m too afraid to say it.
I.    L O V E.    Y O U.

i messed up
i hurt you
and now im just...so .... so.... incredibly sorry.

I am Christian.
and I am loving.
Love who you love,
Cause God loves you.
He made you perfect how you are.
I believe if you have the opportunity to help,
you should.
That person's prayers could be answered through you.
And no, God doesn't hate gay people,
He doesn't hate anyone. That is his truth.
The journey might be hard, but it is always worth it.
I believe that everyone is better than their darkest moment.
And I never would have believed these,
If I hadn't been through hell and back.
I promise you, no matter what you believe or who you are,
It will be okay.
You will make it, even if you don't think so.

Today I told my story.
Every single little thing.
My old therapist told me I should, so I did.
One friend told me I was faking it,
because I'm too happy,
Another told me that I was just being dramatic,
cause I smile too much.
But the most charming smiles,
hold the weirdest pasts.
My bright blue eyes have cried so many tears that they have changed colors
And I know my heart is kind,
But the softest souls, have held the most pain.
I am who I am, because of who I was.
And that is valid.
I have become like the waters I jumped into,
turbulent once, but now,
Simply soft and caressing.

You ask for my opinion,
but did you actually want it?
It seems like you just wanted confirmation.
You ask what I'm learning,
And then proceed to tell me why all of it is wrong.
You speak
                 and
                        you speak
                                         and
                                                y o u
                                                            s  p  e  a  k

you speak without research or regard,
without consideration for the other side.
So for once can you just listen?  Cause this needs to be heard.

You are N O T  justified in oblivion.
You are entitled to your informed opinion, N O T your ignorance.
I'm sick of you talking about things you don't understand,
And I'm tired of your refusal to listen to me.

I'm willing to fight but are you?
I don't want us to end, but do you?
I've always been the one to reach out,
But if I wait will you ask me?
Do you blame me for leaving, when you were the one to go?
Are you mad that I didn't try to fix this ,
When you are just as capable?
Why am I always the one trying...
Should I just give up?

The water crashes down
I watch it fade away, this year, these friends,
What will happen to us?
The murky depths are swirling and pushing,
I wish i was with you.
I relive the waterfall, my eyes burning, my lungs cold,
It's like it happened yesterday, and I still can't find the surface
I wish it could all stay, I don't want you to go...

I watch the words swim,
and swallow razor blades.
I wish I could say I'm okay,
but unfortunately, I can't speak a word.
I skip lunch, my stomach too turbulent to trust.
I do my math test, correct some science papers
I don't want to go home, would honestly rather be at school
I don't know why I can't take a break, but I'll just keep coughing,
Sitting in my sick...

I've learned that doubt is part of the journey,
as integral and important as faith.
I've learned  that it can be easier to leave people to their own conclusions,
rather than try to explain a convoluted truth.
I've learned that love is not to be protected, but risked,
and that loving someone is an inherently dangerous act.
You taught me the difference between losing something you knew you had, and losing something you didn't.
And how you can only feel something by its absence,
by the empty spaces left.
And I know that soon, I'll get that feeling.
The one after you finish a book or turn off a movie.
Where I feel thrown back into a reality I don't want, one I don't belong to.
And my chest will become cavernous.

I miss you.
Can we start over?
I know we both want what we had, but is that lost?
Can I come over?
Maybe explain and  introduce who I am now?
...
Do you still want me?
I cried myself to sleep,
Night after night.
Is this what it's like to be me?
I scream and kick and shout
Crying and tearing...
Should you know me?
Would you heal without me?
I don't know.
I love you.

If you were mine
I'd tell you how i feel
But we're separated by miles
miles of love
miles of brain blocks
This night i thought of you
As the warm sunlight drifted into a humid midnight
I remembered us
I layed on top of my poofy comforter,
all that covered me was the pleasant air
softer than its been all year...
The tiny fan I used to listen to, playing again
Covering me, back and forth with ripples of wind
I sat there and thought of white beaches and beds outside
The fan blowing over the two of us, snuggling closer this time
We were only five, but even then i knew
I wanted to make you mine.

Fall through the door,
I'm always too late,
Scared of my luck,
Calling for more,
I'm always in the sunshine.
I hope you'll forgive me,
I'll always forget,
but please don't leave me.

Snow, drifting in and out of my mind.
Sun, shining through the cracks in my chest.
Rain, pouring out of my overflowed eyes.
Music soothing, writhing in my soul.
The world has shifted.
Ever so slightly.
Can you tell?
Have you noticed?

Kindred spirit of mine,
An Aesthete of nature,
Tenaciously stubborn,
Eunioic minded.

When I get up in the morning,
I’ll see you.
...
All we ever do is pull apart.
But I’d love to see this through,
Cause Darling you’re more special than you know.
More bright than you’ll ever conceive,
Kinder than  soft words,
Softer than my mother’s silk pillows.

I miss you.

I'm here to stay.
Howling, your demons fight and scratch and scream.
I know Honey.
We're still best friends.
Hush your whimpers, I know they whisper in your ear.
Sometimes I can hear them too.
You're a queen and a broken one at that.
But I'm here now, to hold and keep you as best I can.
You can fight back.
I'll still be here. as hard as you push away. I'm still here.

I sit in a rickety bus,
Wondering what I did to deserve friends like this.
We laugh and pose and sing.
I draw your faces, you draw mine,
I kiss your cheeks, and you return the favor.
I love the neon light, i love your shining eyes and your lovely laughs.
Thank you.
I don't deserve you, but I'll take you all.

Sorry,
I know I’m upset,
I know that being proud and insecure at the same time makes no sense,
But do you really not like me?
Are we not able to talk, to connect?
All I wish for, is to be friends...
What is so wrong with that?

January 3rd, 2018.
That is the day your music stopped.
I knew it would, but I could not have imagined how empty our house became.
No one else noticed that. They missed you of course, Mom, Dad, even our sister, but they didn’t notice the things I did.
Like when you came home late, those nights I was the only one up, raptured by my book.
Before your car’s light began to shine through my closed blinds, I would hear your music, playing so loud it would wake me sometimes.
I never minded though.
I would wait for you to come inside, listen as you whisper-sang the lyrics to the songs you loved so much, closing the door behind you.
I would lay down my book and just rest as you half ran up the stairs, opening and closing the doors between your room and the bathroom, getting ready for bed. When you finally finished I’d simply go back to my book, a smile resting on my lips.
Or when you sang in the shower. You either couldn’t hear yourself or just didn’t care how you sounded, because your voice would go on off notes cracking.
But it always brought a smile to our Mom’s face, softening the room.
I remember when you played your music upstairs, real music, loud and half hazzard.
But because of the constant ache in Dad’s head, you plugged your instruments into your computer, shutting us in a silence. But I would often still feel a faint beat in my room, your foot tapping the floor, your instruments silent but still thrumming.
I remember how youth-group changed without you there. I felt lost without a comforting face to look upon.
But it wasn’t until later that summer,when we went to visit you that i accepted the silence, because even though the music followed you, we were not together 24/7. I would never be able to live in it again.
That summer was a hard summer. But by the end I began to press play on a new track.
August 27th, 2018.
That was the day my music started.

Deep orbs of water, like the depths of the sea
Soft and dappled in the morning light, I stare into your eyes,
Slowly forest specks are visible, deep and dark around the pupils.
I watch you dilate and reflect, struggling to understand my gaze,
I give a small smile, tired from talking all night.
My head falls to your shoulder, and you wrap the blanket closer around us.
Nights like this are the best, nights where I watch the laughter and mirth bubble through,
Causing the deepness of your eyes to twinkle, nights where we sit and cry, talking of all the hurt.
Up on our small roof I watch your eyes fill with tears, causing the soft specks to be prominent until I’m stumbling in woods of fir trees and emeralds. But I know how to bring the ocean back, how to make the waters as bright as the sky.