How do you feel?
At first
It was as if I had no control
Completely vulnerable
But for some reason I had no worry about that thought

My voice going in and out
Laughs slipping on dry ice
Some obnoxious
Some lay there waiting for a pick me up

Unable to focus on one thought
They come in and out
As if my brain was central station

Forever moving
Five minutes feel as though it's been an hour

Numb is the only sense coming to mind
Forgetting how to swallow
A sense of panic rises
With a blink that thought is gone

The laughs intruding
Unable to contain the air protruding out
My whole body numb

The feeling of pins and needles under my eyes
Growing heavy

Attempting to think straight
Unable to stress over anything
Everything that comes up
Gone after a blink

Being numb to pain
Unable to stress about anything
Was a dream
I never thought I could self induce

Staring
Hands jittering
A real smile plastered on my face
The laughs never seem to fade

Imagine living like this everyday
Forgetting every thought
Stresses melt away
Pain can’t even break the numbness that arose

Everything seemed to trigger a laugh
Any type of touched causing a flinch

Feeling this vulnerable was a mess
Unable to control any nerve
Arms involuntarily moving

I never thought being numb would feel so nice
Everything melted
Just call me the wicked witch of the east
Throw water on me
And watch me melt away with a smile

Throwing the thoughts away
Until the numbness slips away

Yearning for more after it completed
Never wanting to feel again
Welcoming the numbness
I already miss it.

Remember those blank pages
Pages waiting to see something new
Waiting for you
Yet you always seemed to stray away

As your hair grew long
As your strength faded
You remembered those pages
Waiting for you to create a masterpiece
Yet all you provided was dust to accompany their thoughts

You turned away the light
Not wanting to see your shadow
A shadow that lingered
Whispering only words of fright

Not ready to step out of its head
Pages now screaming
Seeing ahead of their time
The shadow hovering over them

Silence.

Pages now filled started to sing
The shadow now next to you reaching for your arm
You don’t scream
You aren’t scared
You follow
Knowing the pages are sound

You wake up
The pages filled with dreams
Your eyes now met with reality

Ever feel useless
Like the words spilling unevenly off the page

Feeling inclined to do so
Overlooking all you have done
Only contributing to a blank page

The urge to be pulled up
Lifted away by an illusion
One that we can not see unmasked
But still run for cover around the corner
Waiting for the knock
The sting and strain do not go away
Taking a few breaths to keep moving

Eyes shut unmoved waiting for the light show
To distract and conduct the chaos
That falls to your knees as the light show ends

Now face to face with the masked figure

Standing ground
Feet planted unable
Unwilling to be lifted as they rise

Face to face
Admiring the deep disfigurement
Trying to decipher the eyes behind the facade
The mask comes loose

Only to see the crimson eyes  
Of someone scared to reveal themselves any further
than they allowed

The space between
Now gone
Welcoming the warmth
With a smile the masked figure is gone

Catch that lost breath
Return the forgotten pase
Pick up the pieces and make them mean something

Everytime I think i'm numb
I just feel more

The loss of words
Sensation
Feeling
Is being numb

The thoughts and voices seem to pressure me to do things
I have already imagined

Repetition is the most pressuring of them all
Constant reminders from voices i've never seen

Why do they have so much control over me
When we've never even sat down for a talk

What do they have against me
The needle still poking through
But the feeling is no longer lingering

These voices and thoughts keep reappearing right when i think it's over
They always make a comeback
I just really need them to stop

Or at least tell me why
They decided to reside in my mind

They don't pay rent because
These voices and thoughts are all of my creations
They are me  
I am them

I wish I was young again
When we were five we
didn't know how to judge
We just knew harmful words

Yet the context was foreign to us

Those who witnessed these words
spill out of others mouths
Did not know the hidden emotions

of the words they were called
That was until the years floated past
And the explanations conducted
an orchestra in our heads

That orchestra conducted words
But not ones filled with myths
as we were used to
Instead they were filled to the brim

of a truth

One that we would have to face
We realized
That our existence
Would not be filled with the fairytales

we were told every night
But what we saw in our parents eyes everyday


Fear.                                                    Anguish.

Occasionally something would try to fight through
That shine would soon fade away

That's when we realized
Our truth

Was not the fairytales we were told
But the nightmares we only noticed at night
As they allowed us to see them more
with each passing night

We knew
they were going to come out and play

These drapes are heavy built
The sunlight will happily bounce off of their light exterior
There is no need to look beyond the drapes
The drapes that prove to be fatal
Wrapped around each ignorant mind

Now bare we stand strong
Facing the sun we see nothing of what we thought

Hijabs fall to the floor
Kangas ripped
Rebozos torn and thrown

The blood spilt is red
Unable to distinguish the blood by race
Many know that pale skin is often stained red

The Drapes are a comfort
Some never want to seek further
Those who do find the truth

The ashes of the fallen stick to their feet
The rubble created by power hungry individuals
Are hot to the touch

“I am an American citizen.”
“I cant breathe.”
“I don’t have a gun. Stop shooting.”

The drapes are now being recognized and torn down
We stand together
Fighting for basic human rights

We will walk the movement
Even at our lowest point we will still stand tall
And never seek comfort in the drapes again

Why do we have to tolerate so much
When multiple escapes are thrown at us everyday

Why is it seen as self destruction to give in to one of those escapes
Why do we have to choose between the silent stabs
And the public white flag

Why do we consider using an escape as a white flag
Why do we have to give up in order to be completely numb

We might always feel numb
But we never are
We strive to be numb

Having feeling is supposed to be the strongest trait
But when it reflects so poorly on itself
Why aren't we allowed to be weak

Why do we have to condemn the glares of disappointment
Even though we just need a hand
A hand that we will never reach out for

Why does each eye provide an impact that further pushes us
Waiting on the porch
Rocking chair now steady
Sewing a rip in a jacket
The rip never seems to mend as the needle is drawn to our finger