I want to fall in love with you.
Not for the happily ever after but for the turmoil
and the pain
for the ability to sit
by your side and say
those three special words
for all that you are
because I enjoy your trials and tribulations
your angst and anger
your sorrow and sublime guilt
your tears on my shoulder and your arms around me
your sobs wracking my body
I want to fall in love with you
because isn't loving
something broken the most
beautiful
kind of love?
I want to love you like someone would a bird
caged but beautiful
wings clipped so you can only fly sort distances from me
I want to love you
for your dependence and
depression
I want to love you because
I want to love myself
But I can't...

the hurt and the pain
tied to my heart
like a ball and chain.
the scars on my heart
are the initials of your name
you gave me the love
that taught me the pain
now i'll never be the same.

Death of the self  
starts with the death of the will
Lay rest to your ambitions
with every breath that you take,
Escape with your comfort,
escape with your rest, escape with the wind,
escape with the living dead,
escape like the rest of your family did.
Sleep among the numb
while decades have passed,
Sleep through the earthquakes,
the fissures and cracks.
Unknown to your perception
confined to your chains.
The lid can't be opened.
The lid can't be opened.
My life, reduced to death.
I breathe in smoke, I walk through fog,
I breathe out smoke,
my eyes are clouded.
The lid can't be opened
I am dead. I am dead.
A voice awakens in my head,
"Are you dead?"
do I know it?
Well, whoever-whatever- it is, I know how to reach them.

1.) I never liked how I always felt like I was suffocating under the conviction that you were counting down the days to leaving an equation of your life that included me in the numbers and I never liked how I brushed it off under the false pretense that you were terrible at math.

2.) Every word you said was so lucid and real it felt like putting out a cigarette on my skin after asking for an ashtray a hundred times you're the one who pulled me out of my poetic dream-state so hard that I choked on condensation ice crystals from the clouds below me and now I am tied to the ground like a dog and I miss flying like that.

3.) I tasted her in the way you kissed me since the moment we met and I wanted to lock down every word I told you and erase everything that's been written for you but I didn't say anything because I was scared that I would float away without you.

4.) You came back and expected me to be fourteen and looking for someone to love me so hard that they fix me. Since your absence I had learned the hard way I don't need to be fixed. And even if I did, you would have never made a merciful god.

5.) I could sense the way you wanted control over me like a lion to its prey and feeling like I was being stalked by someone I tried to convince myself I loved was almost as exhausting as pretending I didn't notice.

6.) I was only beautiful on days you were drunk and wanted to outline the shape of my hips and I tried so hard to leave my consciousness in the other room while you never showed the decency to stay after you were finished with me because being used is better than being replaced.

7.) I shared the small things that brightened my heavy rain days with you. You made me feel like I was trying to plug in a nightlight in the middle of the dark.

8.) You devastated me and told me that's what love feels like; I still have moments of panic at sincerity and kind words seem foreign against the misery soaked syllables you broke me down and replaced me with.

9.) You did all of it because you were bored of watching the clock tick and you figured passing the time by ruining me was easier than repenting on the ways you've ruined other sad girls with cold hands.

10.) I was so used to throwing coins in the air hoping they would give me a heads or tail answer if dying would be easier than missing you forever that I didn't even notice when I ran out of money.

"i love you, but i can't do this right now.
i need a break to think.
we can try again in a bit."

Do you know how stupid that is?
You don't get to pick and choose when to be with me.
You don't get to wait 'til it's easier and less stressful.
Life will always be stressful,
and love is never easy.
I guess I should have expected this,
from a boy who still likes Hollister.