Dear Mom,
The last time I talked to you was 5 years ago.
You were laying in your bed,
You had no hair because of the treatments.
Your eyes were hazy and clouded over from all of the pain medications.
The last time we talked,
I told you that I would be okay without you.
That it was time for you to go because I didn’t want to see you in pain anymore.
The person laying in that bed wasn’t you.
It was someone whose being was riddled with cancer and dozens of medications.
Dear Mom,
The last time we talked,
I held your hand and told you
“I love you”
And although you couldn’t respond
You lightly squeezed my hand as if to say
“I love you too”.
It’s been 5 years.
And although I’m glad you are gone,
No longer sick and in misery,
It hurts like hell.
Dear Mom,
The last time we talked,
I told you that I would be fine without you.
I lied.
I need you now more than ever.
And I wish that,
Even if it were for just a split second,
I could sit in your arms again.
You were the only person who ever accepted me.
And now you’re gone.
Slipped away through our fingers.
It was your time to go.
It all became too much.
The cancer wouldn’t stop spreading,
And the chemo was making you weak.
Dear Mom,
I would give anything to go back to the days before you were sick.
When we would go shopping and play dress up.
When you would sit me down and do my makeup.
When you used to wash my hair every morning before school because it was too long for me to do it by myself.
When I would play with your hair because you had a headache from work.
Dear Mom,
Everyone says I look just like you before you were sick.
Somedays I just smile because, to me, you were always beautiful.
Somedays I cry, because it changed your appearance that much.
Dear Mom,
I hope i’m making you proud.
I know I have made mistakes.
But I think you would be proud of me if you were here.
Dear Mom,
It’s hard knowing you weren’t there for my 16th birthday.
And you won’t be there when I graduate highschool.
And you won’t be at my wedding.
It’s hard knowing that you’ll never get to hold your grandchildren
and see them grow up.
But you’ll forever me in my heart and my mind and soul.
My children will always know you by "Num nums".
Dear Mom,
You were my best friend,
My role model,
My inspiration.
You are the reason I haven’t given up yet.
Dear Mom,
The last time we talked I told you that I would be fine without you.
Some days I feel like that is a lie.
Like any moment I will shatter and everything will crumble around me.
But most days I am okay.
I go through everyday with you in the back of my mind, giving me encouraging words and a happy smile.
Dear Mom,
I love you and i'm doing fine without you, even if some days it's hard.
2-13-18