Did I ever tell you
Why I stopped drinking?
Why I am so terrified
To take a sip alone?
How that one time after class
My heart was broken
And I skipped the glass
And drank straight from the bottle?
How I crumbled into a ball
Under my favorite blanket
My mind screaming through the halls
Fighting off the demons trying to drown me?
Of course I always want to die
That's something I've learned to live with
But never before in my life
Had I known that I could give in.
Yet there I lay crying
Wasted with a racing mind
Begging to give in to dying
But instead I went to sleep.
So when my depression intensifies
And I run to my substances
I am so terrified
So alcohol is the last option.
Because it could be my last decision.

i fear the death of a loved one more than my own death

i can remember the small moments before hearing of someone's death

i can remember every millisecond

silence
numbness
disbelief

they're saying she killed herself
they're saying she killed herself
they're saying she killed herself

time stops in death

frozen
and
embedded
into my mind
into my life

the mental scars
i carry
a wound that never heals

It was a graveyard and overcast sky
and I sat with book and accordian in hand,
hearing the world with its screams
swallow up around me.
The people whom I had loved and lost,
Papa with his silver eyes
Mama her sharp tongue and tough love
Rudy whose hair the colour of lemons
and questioned why, the living and dead,
worlds apart, yet both did not have a choice.
I stood and screamed so that everything shook
the burning rubble and ash and dust
willing my words to bring it all back
but it did not come, and my breath rose in gasps.
Death had looked me in the eye and said,
“It’s not time yet.”
I would shut my eyes to the world
only decades later.
I will understand that there was hate and pain
there was sadness
but even more so, there was love and joy.
I will know that the people I loved had reason
to kiss goodbye
whether it was their own hurt
or saw it as a necessity,
but they were never truly gone from me
always somewhere nearby,
in the thick and thin
frail and worn
of times.
I would learn
to forgive Death that day.
I will understand that
and I will be hurt,
but I will be okay.

~

Not all deaths are sad.
Some, meant to ease their own pain,
Are called freedom.
While some,
Meant to ease the pain of others,
Are called love.

© BT

She doesn't like the way they watch her
they hear her voice
and she can't control the conclusions they come up with
she doesn't like the way her hands shake
how her eyes can't focus

she doesn't like  attention on her

because when she was too young
she had too many people watching her every move
and there were
too many voices
too many conclusions
too many hands guiding her into unfamiliar hugs
and worst of all, her eyes couldn't find him,
because he was gone

the words of treason he shouted is what
put the stock of a rifle to my shoulder
take aim now that the patriots are traitors
never thought it would ever come to this in my lifetime
there's a man on the road with a rebel flag
yelling that his treason is patriotic
he is gonna take my life for some russian profit in his pocket
he is gonna take my America for somebody else's taxes

Remember growing up the thought that my generation trusted
this land be free
"this land is your land, this land is my land"*
never said nothing bout had to be black or white
never said had to be praying to another man's God
they have come knocking upon my door
tell me my words are not the lies they are selling
and I better get in line or they gonna take me away
get right in my head evil men are the gods Americka dreams of
that our children will live in darkness and hunger
for some russians profit in your pocket

just an hour from Reno stopped by the roadside
watched the sun set on the edge of the desert
and hoped my America would still be here when i awoke
this never should have happened
never saw it comin
never thought America could fall
let alone to have a president be the
one who fires the first shot
I see a rebel on the road
words of treason spilling from his bible
a used car salesman spinning a tall tale
and the fools who cheered him on
wipe that stupid grin off his face if I could
I see a rebel on the road
yelling his treason is patriotic
come to take away my America
come to take my life for some rich thief's taxes

Remember growing up the thought that my generation trusted
remember what my country was built on honor integrity truth
now that's all been sold for pennies on the dollar
so some rich slob can feed off what used to be
a place that the world envied
a place people dreamed of
now the patriots are traitors
now Amerika burns
now Americans die
for some russians profit in your pocket