I took a little pill last night
           to help me fall asleep,
hoping and praying
           to release the strife I keep.

But, it didn’t work…..

So, I took a long walk last night
          out in the freezing rain,
hoping and praying
           it would wash away my pain.

But, it didn’t work….

So, I came back into the house
          so tired and cold,
looked up into a mirror
          realizing I looked so old.

So I sat down and cried….

As morning approached I was exhausted,
    a need to lay down my weary head,
I hoped and prayed for dreamless sleep
  away from my heartbreak and dread.

But sleep was broken by dreams
         and now I welcome a new day,
   starting all over again
a peaceful heart, mind, and soul is what I pray…..*
~

There are some nights when
sleep plays coy,
aloof and disdainful.
And all the wiles
that I employ to win
its service to my side
are useless as wounded pride,
and much more painful.

Here is where I take your smile and
stretch it into a sunset, I
remember your words to mean
everything they didn't
I make haikus out of eyes and note how
they emit light when you laugh
This is where I draw you indelible
on the pages of a notebook
I color you vivid, write you
permanent, take non-fiction and
turn it fantasy,
Into something we might watch
together on a Sunday night
I designate you hero of the story and
I wait with tired arms
to be lifted into yours
Here is where I create a landscape
out of ash and worship you with
language you don't deserve,
vocabulary that is too big for your small
Here is what could easily be a love poem if
you were someone who wanted one but
the only want you have isn't for me

its been long enough
that the memories
are starting to fade
from the glare
of reality.
but the one moment
i still feel
as vividly now
as i did then
is when he stared into
my deepest parts and whispered
this? this right here? its real.

the only thing i feel
more vividly than that
is the hurt from realizing
**it wasn't true

Some moments are not to be captured
not in a photo
not in a story
not anywhere
Some moments should only live in a memory

When everything that happens, happens too fast;
And everyone that loved you once, leaves you at last…
While you drown in the river of fears and in the sea of despair,
Can you see the faint ray of hope that’s still up there?

While your own imagination rips you into shreds,
Are you still able to hold your own in everything that you dread?
As in-head conversations, nightmares and reality, all just get mixed-up;
What can I do to stop myself getting lost?

When I spend hours torturing myself, believing that someone is dead,
How can I just ignore all that’s going on in my head?  
You tell me to look at others’ misery and just be glad that I’m not there;
But why do you think I can revel in another’s despair?

While I spend all my time, trying to think straight,
You don’t even tell me, that I can change my fate.
As I just embroil myself, in absolute terror,
Why can’t you tell me, that things will get clearer?

Every new fact that’s found, leads to more fear,
And all at once, I’ve shed every single tear.
Now I’m too tired to even just sit and cry,
And all of my emotions are slowly running dry…

I can’t recognize any feelings anymore,
I just know that my heart hurts at its core.
And I’m angry, afraid and sad all at once,
And all I can do now is hope life gives me another chance.

Another chance at a carefree tomorrow,
A chance at a day not filled with sorrow.
A day I’m not terrified of everything unknown,
One day, when my heart doesn’t feel like heavy stones.

I just wish that I could lose myself in imaginary places,
Places where all I can see are friendly faces.
Where anyone can hold me close when the panic sets in,
Where someone, at least, can say the right thing.

Does that place exist outside of my mind,
Is that place real, somewhere I can find?
Dare I to hope that I’ll be there someday?
Until then, may I ask you to stay?

I wish you were,
Still just a human to me.

I don't want to look at you,
And see poetry.