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1.1k · Nov 2021
Bittersweet truth
Grey Nov 2021
You never cared for me.
You acted like you did.
In the end you never truly cared.
And that’s okay because now I know,
Love is the most beautiful lie.
635 · Feb 2021
Night Terrors
Grey Feb 2021
I do not believe that anyone could love someone with mental illness.
Either we feel too much or not enough at all.
Either we're sleeping too much,
Daydreaming
Eating too much or not at all
The nightmares or night terrors
The days you cant feel emotion, or when you feel it all
No I do not believe anyone could love someone with mental illness
Any attempt and you cant be discarded and forgotten like you never existed
Its all a lie.
The only truth is that everyone is selfish and will never truly love another
Failed attempts with people that "love" me
593 · Aug 2023
Untitled
Grey Aug 2023
I love And will lose.
To the end of an era,
She’ll be clinging to the past,
When the world revolves
414 · Sep 2022
Untitled
Grey Sep 2022
The world and everyone won.
I’ve lost everything and everyone.
I lost myself in the process and now I am left to rebuild from the nothingness once again.
Turns out doing the right thing leaves you empty with no one and nothing.
Yet I find the beauty in being alone.
No pressure or no one to tell you that you’re not good enough.
360 · Apr 2018
A Pack
Grey Apr 2018
We were reckless and fury
We were beaten and broken
We were rebels and leaders
We were young and fierce
We were demons and saviors
We were carefree and dreamers
We were wolves and wild
We were family not forgotten

In time the memories will bring us back
In time we will run free once more
In time we meet again to remember
In time there will be smiles and laughs
A group of misfits and dreamers. A pack.
The Shadow Pack.
Pack Fam.
Boy do I miss them, I miss them all. Hopefully in time we can all get together again
354 · Jan 2023
Untitled
Grey Jan 2023
I found beauty in the darkness.
Most fear there unknown,
Many avoid the possibility and uniqueness.
There is beauty within the darkest parts of one’s soul.
The purity of it.
Which is where I learned never to judge one based on their past.
353 · Aug 2021
Untitled
Grey Aug 2021
I know now,
I lived the most I can.
I loved and it wasn’t enough.
I know that she will be okay.
I know that I loved her,
And I know that it’s time.
339 · Jan 2022
|Devils & Angels|
Grey Jan 2022
Some say I’m an angel,
Some say I’m the devil.
Yet through your eyes I am both & more.
Some fear me because of the devilish black eyes I bear,
Some love me because heart on my sleeve I wear.
Yet through your eyes I am more.
Everyday I grow deeper in love with you,
The world is ours.
My devilment & your kindness.
Many took us for granted yet here are,
Still standing.
Now together.
332 · Nov 2021
Tormented Demented
Grey Nov 2021
Oh the irony of the Gods,
Sending the veiled love to pester my already worn soul.
Love is truly dangerous,
Blinds even the sharpest minds.
Even now torments my much needed rest with dreams.
Her whispers of I love you
Laughing in the background.
Twisted
328 · Nov 2020
Untitled
Grey Nov 2020
One day, I’ll stop writing
One day, I’ll stop dreaming
One day, I’ll stop believing
One day, I’ll stop hoping
One day, I’ll stop trying
One day there will be no more poems written by me
And there won’t be anymore pain
One day I’ll be gone
Maybe it’s today
295 · Feb 2022
Untitled
Grey Feb 2022
I leave it in the hands of the gods.
I ask that they are merciful on her just as they have been with me,
I ask that they are swift in Justice with him as they were with me.
286 · Jul 2022
🌼
Grey Jul 2022
It was the first hug,
We always talked about how nervous and shy we’d be.
Yet that first hug,
The second we saw each other you ran,
I scooped you up in my arms and that was the best and warmest embrace.
You asked when did I know it was always supposed to be you I said my heart was yours that moment.
Day by day since then it’s grown more and more.
My love for you has deepened,
Forever will I love you.
263 · Mar 2021
Havoc & Serenity
Grey Mar 2021
If I wanted to, I have the power to burn the world down
If I wanted to, I have the ability to wreak havoc and chaos
I am sadness too far gone to the point where anger is all that is left
I am exhausted
Yet for the first time I am using the anger to become something more
Growing is painful
There are a lot of unanswered questions
Yet I stand here knowing that the world is mine
And everyone who’s doubted me and insulted me, will one day taste their words turned to ashes in their mouths
I am ambition,
I will not be stopped this time
I am coming for everything I deserve and more
255 · Jul 2021
Untitled
Grey Jul 2021
Break me again? That’s okay
It’s all good.
It’ll be okay
Break me as much as you want Ill recover
248 · Sep 2022
Time
Grey Sep 2022
I’m not giving up on you,
How could I?
I made a promise.
248 · Mar 2022
Untitled
Grey Mar 2022
Now we shall see who’s gods prevail.
Mine have been protected me all my life,
Yours have fiction.
Now watch,
I was told to be patient and patient I was.
I know death, fear anger and pain.
Now it’s my turn,
My time has come.
You talk of demons,
I’ve known them as friends.
238 · Sep 2022
Untitled
Grey Sep 2022
If it is was a lie,
If I was deceitful.
I wouldn’t be here:
Trying every time hoping that you’d see.
It’s you.
225 · Jun 2021
Untitled
Grey Jun 2021
It was a 10 hour gaming session with her that I kept asking if she was tired and she responded with,
“I love spending time with you”
That’s when I knew that it’s true,
God really sends the one when it’s the right time
223 · Aug 2023
Untitled
Grey Aug 2023
I push everyone away,
It’s safer.
Maybe they were right.
I’m just too broken and too far gone.
Either way they’ve all never really knew me.
And now no one will
205 · Jul 2022
Untitled
Grey Jul 2022
We cling to what we know.
The anger,
Fear,
Pain,
Anger,
Hatred,
Everything we’re taught yet….
Silence,
Peace regardless of the agony.
Love within the anger.
Calm within the chaos:
The dragon who within the fire & flame,
She was and will be, the dragon.
195 · May 2021
Untitled
Grey May 2021
My reactions are overreactions
My sadness is overcome and protected by anger
I am not in control and I am trying to learn how to control them
I am not the demons in my head
I am not the monster
I can be better
I can be in control.
I don’t want to be this way anymore
I don’t want to be the one screaming and begging for help inside
While angrily yelling outside and pushing everyone away
Help...
Please be patient with me...
159 · Jul 2021
D.M.N
Grey Jul 2021
It wasn’t that I wanted to be the one you wanted.
It was that I knew as much as I love you,
I’m no good for you.
I want to run wild & free.
You deserve stability & security.
I could say right person wrong time.
In the end I don’t deserve you.
And that’s okay
158 · Aug 2021
Untitled
Grey Aug 2021
It was dangerous the way he loved her,
Fierce & intensity rising.
He found that even in his cold dark heart there was a warm soft just for her.
The demons of his past would never stop chasing, the sins of his father bloodied his sleeve a deep crimson red.
Left with one option, to keep her safe.
Push her as far away as possible,
And yet still here we are.
Entwined in each other’s lives.
151 · Dec 2021
|thankful|
Grey Dec 2021
And just like that,
All the bad stuff that ever happened…
I was thankful it did,
Because if it didn’t happen I wouldn’t be who I am today.
Stronger, wiser still comical but always trying to do better.
146 · Mar 2022
Untitled
Grey Mar 2022
It’s amazing how something so simple can be taken out of context so easily.
Now I paint with crimson red, tracing the delicate edge of my skin.
I don’t want to die, I don’t want everything to end.
Yet this is so freeing, the intoxication of it.
I’ve been awake for three days,
I close my eyes to rest and I’m flooded with thoughts.
The ideas of what I can do with my life,
The pressures I put on myself to get there.
Knowing I worry a few good people in my life,
The anticipation of the lectures that are repetitive,
Of how apparently people know what I need to hear or what I need to do.
If they were right I would be better now wouldn’t I?
And everyone thinks it’s so easy when in reality if they even knew how much it takes to even do simple tasks.
How the judgment feels when I do the things I love,
It’s hypocritical.
Almost poetic how one moment they need me to have all the answers and the next they’re pious.
I see the world for what it is,
Maybe because I’ve been closer to death I consider him an old friend.
It’s true the floors are painted red with dark red,
Frankly I am exhausted and have no more energy for well anyone.
Now I just want to work as much as I can so I can disappear.
I’ve given people chances, some too many.
Now I truly am addicted to being alone,
The safety of it, the comfort of knowing there are no eyes peering into my soul so they can rip it out.
My uncle had the right idea, he warned me long before of how people were.
I often wondered why he preferred to live a nomadic life,
I understand now.
It’s peaceful.
140 · Aug 2020
Bastard Son
Grey Aug 2020
Fear, the one resort that everyone tries to use as their strength
I find it amusing, the tough act
Little do you know, the demons that reside in my head smile too
Rather than drowning those dark voices inside, you succumb to them and the comfort they bring is no other
Some say I’m a freak, the liar, the betrayer and dangerous
In my mind, their feeble attempt that falls short every time is amusing
It’s the demons that visit in the dark and monstrous thoughts that haunt me
Not fear for myself, fear of what those can do
The words that will pierce razor sharp words to their fragile egos
The laughter that makes them uncomfortable, on edge
You can’t scare a person like me, your little words float away
I’ve grown from the weak child
I shake hands with the devil himself
I am madness, I am insanity
I’m a state of mind of its own
I could break you, leave you withered and questioning God himself
I’ve been numerous names throughout my lifetime
A son of the Devil himself, evil incarnate
Evil, an interesting word. A summary only
The pain I cause others is sin, and yet a part of my blackened soul feels sorrow
I may born of a dark past, i may have lived a broken life
I’m a ******* son with a demonic temper
Who’s learning to be human, and become a good person
I’m a ******* son of the world searching for redemption
Do you ever just feel out of place your entire life? And when people try to intimidate you, all you can do is laugh because they don’t know how much **** you’ve gone through and nothing can hurt you anymore
120 · Jun 2022
Life of a NeuroDivergent
Grey Jun 2022
Once again the pressure is on.
I know I can succeed in anything I set my mind to,
I also know that I will eventually hurt myself.
My main worry is that
Everyone expects me to be this great person or to do amazing things.
What hurts is that I just wanted to be happy,
Relaxed,
Or able to be me. To be free without judgement of how I like building Lego’s or thinking I can do karate in Walmart but really I’m having fun.
For once I would like to not be ridiculed.
Or have high expectations set for me.
It’s exhausting.
High expectations are a challenge for me,
Challenges I find easy.
Eventually leading to burnout.
Then all of sudden I’m just a lazy ***.
There really is no pleasing anyone.
Only if I work myself to death exceeding any and all expectations.
Only if I push myself way beyond the normal persons breaking point and I just smile while I’m dead and rotting inside.
Sleep is fine,
Dreams are annoying.
Sleep is nice because I don’t have to hear the daily expectations.
I don’t have to mask my energy and act normal like everyone else.
Eventually I know I will break.
I just hope everyone sees that this is what happens when you expect the most from the one who will do it without hesitation.
It’s almost cruel yet they will never know because if they did then they would feel bad.
And that’s annoying.
I hate being blamed when all the signs where there,
They just can’t see them and choose to ignore the smallest ones they can see.
It’s a blessing and curse,
Being NeuroDivergent.
It’s something no one seems to understand,
I truly am…
Alone…
119 · Mar 2022
Untitled
Grey Mar 2022
I just don’t want to hurt anymore.
Why doesn’t anyone understand that?
104 · Apr 2021
Untitled
Grey Apr 2021
I have to lose her to make it work
92 · Dec 2022
Untitled
Grey Dec 2022
Another year coming to a close,
The truth standing in front of me.
I enjoy the pain and the hurt,
I don’t like hurting people.
I surround myself with those with the worst intentions,
The pain keeps me blurred and moving.
How incredibly pathetic of me,
Yet I now know this is my life and how it was destined to be.
91 · Mar 2023
Untitled
Grey Mar 2023
Demons from the past have come to haunt me.
Her cries seemed sincere.
Her voice was broken.
The mere utterance of I love you was true.
The girl id played in the summer suns for hours,
Mud pies, digging canals and eating snow cones with…
Her voice was shaky.
It was full of truth that I didn’t hear…
Full of love I dare not accept..
She was running.
Like I did.
Running only I had escaped and she never did…
The girl with the brightest smile dimmed by a father who never knew love only showed discipline in his words.
A family that lasted generations,
Now ends…
Not with me.
With the brightest star in all of heaven.
The woman who found her courage…
The woman I turned my back on while I chased a life we both longed for…
My dear beloved sister you won’t be forgotten…
I’ll forget many throughout my life but only you will remain in my heart…
I hated you even resented you…
Now I only wish to feel your hugs once again.
Those hugs full of love that I never had yet now I know you loved me.
You protected me as best as you could…
I’ll hate them forever for what they’ve done to you…
Our lives have always been secretive and silent..
Yet even now with you gone…
I feel an emptiness I’ve never known…
I curse this cruel world.
Were there actual people who cared then maybe you’d still be here..
A pipe dream because the truth is there is no such thing…
The good ones die,
The rotten get to live
89 · May 2021
Untitled
Grey May 2021
I broke my best friends heart, chasing a lover that couldn’t understand my soul
89 · Apr 2022
Untitled
Grey Apr 2022
I’m just a ******* boy with nothing to lose.
88 · May 2022
Untitled
Grey May 2022
It’s almost as if the tides have changed,
The odds are working in my favor now.
Everything is working out for the better this time.
And it feels like this time it’s all going to be okay.
That’s a strange but comforting feeling.
88 · Mar 2023
Untitled
Grey Mar 2023
Truly I believed I knew hate…
I knew the purest feeling of rage,
The raw untamed feeling of anger…
This…
This is different.
I’ll burn the world down.
87 · Mar 2022
My “perfect” life
Grey Mar 2022
18,
Dropout.
Alcoholic.
Addict.
I moved into a ratty old apartment with my cousin a friend and at the time girlfriend.
We drank religiously, had every drug to get us high.
And somehow all managed to keep our jobs, not just keep them but we excelled at them.
My favorite was coke and speed. I liked being able to just sit there and my head blank.
I have ADHD so **** works differently with me, my friends would be hyped up or paranoid.
I felt safe, ****** was home though.
I loved being able to shut my brain down,
Of course I overdosed twice,
Once in high school my best friend found me took care of me like the hospital and stuff.
I was so ****** up then too, I didn’t even notice he was hurting inside too.
He ended his life with a bullet to head, his brother and I found him at chokecherry canyon.
The second time I overdosed I was 19, we were at the apartment.
We had the whole week from work because we all wanted to just have fun. I’m talking going to the lake and everything, we did it all. That last night of our little staycation I didn’t even realize how much **** I was taking because of how drunk I was.
The last thing I remember was hearing the muffled music hearing my cousin and friends laughing and boom.
I woke up in the hospital scared shitless.
The doctors told me they barely got me back, my heart stopped twice.
They brought me back.
Honestly I hated them still do.
I didn’t see anything of heaven or hell just nothing.
It was like I just went to sleep and that was it.
I, of course, signed myself out of the hospital against the doctors orders.
Came back home and they were so scared that I almost died.
I thanked them and proceeded to drink the bottle of jack daniels I bought and left in the freezer.
Life went on, I hated every second of it.
Yet I still played the part of a happy person, kept up at my jobs became a manager somehow at the skate shop.
Then I started just giving up again,
Instead of completely falling into the **** again I went to rehab.
I got therapy, I eventually didn’t drink.
Life was looking a little better
That’s when I got the job at big r and eventually met someone who would change everything.
Even to this day I wish I met her like 5 years later or something because she didn’t deserve the ******* recovering addict/alcoholic who eventually started drinking again.
She didn’t deserve that I didn’t deserve her.
And what ***** is that I absolutely freaked out.
It was like meeting her and knowing that I could actually be a better person was ******* scary.
And overwhelming because I wasn’t ready, I was barely getting sober.
Barley getting on my own two feet,
No where near ready to fully take that next step in healing from the trauma I lived through and grew in.
So I learned a thing,
I played the victim & ruined a really good relationship.
Like demolished it,
I hurt her because I was hurt.
I broke her because I was broken.
It was unfair to her, watching someone she loved become this complete monster.
In my head when I finally snapped, all that numbness was gone.
And every single hurt pain trauma, all of it came out.
And she left which was understandable because no one should have to be the victim of someone who exploded in anger and broke the walls of his home,
I wanted to tear that house down because of what I went through there.
The worse part of it is, my whole meltdown? It was never against her none of it was.
That was the acting out of a child who lost their childhood.
That was all the unresolved pain that I went through and literally blamed her for making me angry when really I was angry at myself and she was never the problem.
She really did love me and tried to be there, I did a “fantastic” job at pushing her away. Far away. She’s with someone else now, and I have to live everyday with that guilt.
Because she really really did love me, and I was too broken I was too far gone to even see it. I did not at the time realize that I needed to work on myself I needed to heal from my past, and there was no way that I could’ve actually given her the love she deserved because I couldn’t even love myself. I failed at being the man she needed, I failed at showing her that she was my world, because I was so stuck in that self hate that even though I knew it in my soul that I loved this girl so much that I would’ve done anything. The problem was I wasn’t actually healing myself, I tried to just cover up all that Hate and anger at myself and put on a mask. That was happy or that nothing was wrong.
Eventually that mask broke, and she’s gone.
I was 21…
Now I am 23,
What ***** is that I still love that girl, and to this day I wish I would’ve just met her 5 years after and not then… right person wrong time? I don’t know.
She loves someone else now and soon I think I’ll just be a memory, shoot not even a good one. I remember all the good and bad memories we had, and like I said I know I will forever live with the shame and guilt of hurting the woman I loved because of my own incapability of loving myself and healing.
I want to say I’m getting better, however I don’t really know if I’ll ever be actually better.
Everything still hurts.
And now I’m still a cocky **** and I’m also trying to be a better person,
The problem is the lesson I learned recently?
It all will end eventually, what matters is that each day is a chance to be better than who you were yesterday. That it’s okay to hurt, to cry. However I still get that numb feeling. I like protecting myself, but I can’t stay stuck in just survival mode anymore..
I am worth it, I’m worth something. I can be a better person than I was yesterday.
All that hurt I went through? They’re lessons, I know better now. And that it will all be okay.
One day at a time.
85 · Jun 2022
Untitled
Grey Jun 2022
Fuzzy,
The blurred line we cross when you are too drunk no one seems to be able to stand you.
You call sobbing, yelling, angry, sad, hurt or broken.
For that night you’re completely happy with me.
I’m your favorite person, you even talk about being together again.
We laugh, talk and jump on apex.
Watch a movie till you go to sleep.
The morning after,
You’re cold.
Suddenly I’m the devil in your eye.
All the problems in the world are somehow my fault.
But how could they be?
You state everytime that you have your own life,
Therefore shouldn’t the problems you bear be of your own making?
You take advantage of people because it seems that you cannot take responsibility for the hurt you cause yourself.
I promised I’d always be here, and yet lately it’s been taking a bigger toll on me.
One day you’re proud of me,
You want to be together again.
You talk of our future and I catch you smiling at me with love in your eyes.
Then I’m not the one for you.
You love me
Then you say you hate me.
You promise to stay again,
Only to leave in the harshest way than you left the other times.
If only you knew how it would be so much better if you’d stay,
And now I’m realizing that if you do.
You’ll always leave and run to the next person who’s only there to use you.
Then you’ll come back when they hurt you again and again and again.
I hope one day you grow up,
I hope one day you’ll see.
And I’ll be there.
Right now it hurts yet I will still be here,
Because that’s you do for someone you love.
Hope and pray that will grow,
That one day hopefully they will see what you’ve always seen in them.
And hope that they choose you too.
82 · Aug 2021
Untitled
Grey Aug 2021
Your first mistake was thinking you could even speak her name.
That’s my world and I’ll still do whatever it takes to make sure she’s happy and safe.
Even from you.
81 · May 2021
Untitled
Grey May 2021
Words fall short,
There’s no other way of saying that a broken souls love is meaningless to the her.
The conversation of my emotions turns into an argument
I’m never heard
And the twist is she always says it’s just me with the problem
80 · Nov 2021
Hollowed
Grey Nov 2021
As confusing as it sounds,
She left me empty inside.
The bitter reality is that she believes that she had done no wrong.
Yet in the end if two people who loved each other,
They both have the power to hurt one another.
I see the reality, she left me hollow…
I left her heartless…
The worse realization is that i knew when it was the right time to leave.
Yet I stayed because I believed her when she said she loved me.
80 · Jul 2022
Growing Pains
Grey Jul 2022
I sent messages.
Asking.
Wondering.
Searching.
Some I couldn’t take back,
Yet the other i unsent.
Partials of my heart;
The deepest truest parts scattered across the winds.
Now the last remnants of a wholehearted loving boy,
Gone.
Truly now I am empty.
I have no more.
I am truly hollow.
I am what remains.
80 · Jun 2021
Untitled
Grey Jun 2021
You thought I was in a relationship already?
Oh if only you knew what was really going on
But okay since I’m claimed by you
Who’s the ****** ?
Grey Jun 2021
I missed the way you smiled when you were in the passenger seat as we crossed state lines,
Closer to home your smile brightened more and more.
We woke up to sunrises and iced coffee
Country music playing with the windows rolled down & smoking our cigarettes.
I remember falling in love with you when we took that hike up Bear Butte in South Dakota,
When we reached the top the sun was setting and the lightning from the coming storms were striking as the sky rumbled.
It was our adventure that I found myself loving you more,
When we had to come back to New Mexico us was a hard goodbye because we both knew that the adventure was over and reality would set back in.
That we would probably drift back apart unless we’d tried to remember those moments.
I remember breaking my best friends heart chasing a toxic lover who couldn’t understand my soul like she did.
One day I hope to find you again,
Hopefully someday
77 · Jul 2022
Untitled
Grey Jul 2022
Binge watching Stranger Things,
Her favorite show.
Come to find out 80s show that I stayed away from for god knows why.
Something about her,
Breath of fresh air.
Before I clock into work she tells me to be safe & she’ll be up at 3 am when I get off from work.
Just like clock work she’s up and sends a video of her with the biggest smile because I sent her videos and pictures of what I’m working on that night.
I get home and right away snacks and stranger things.
Sometimes we cook dinner well early breakfast.
I find a record for us to listen to, it’s just us for those early morning hours.
Sleep has never felt so amazing before in my life.
I’ve loved you forever
And forever will I always love you
77 · May 2022
Untitled
Grey May 2022
How do you explain to someone who’s the gentlest and kindest person that you are broken?
That even though they are so patient and care about you with immense support for the dreams and aspirations you are trying to be.
That regardless of my sometimes monotone responses and zoning out.
She smiles with the brightest smile, “I’m here.”
How do you tell that wonderful and truly amazing person that you don’t believe you can be fixed.
That the last girl ripped everything good and loving.
That she’s taken everything good and hopeful out.
Used it to benefit herself, used me and threw me away like trash.
How do you tell this incredibly loving woman who would move mountains for you that I am terrified it’s going to happen again.
That if I give my all again to someone, I believe they will take it all.
Then change & words of love turn to words of hate.
Words such as “you are nothing, you are no one.”
She wonders why when I wake up in the middle of the nights from revisiting the horrors of a person who only knows selfishness.
How I see and smell the fire everyday.
How I often wonder why she would wake up with me, her hand rubbing my back and then getting a cold water.
Seeing her face light up when she picks me up from work, her laughing with my dad while they talk about the Raiders and fishing.
How when we get home, my mom hugs her & they’re already talking about what to make for dinner.
Relaxing on the couch with her and her asking to watch Star Wars or Marvel, Game of Thrones, Lord of the Rings, Greys Anatomy.
Carnival Rides & going to the track to watch the Horse Races.
We go to the movie theater every Tuesday as our movie date night.
How do I tell her that I am terrified of being so broken that she could get hurt because of someone else’s damage.
How do I tell her I’m falling in love with her yet I’m scared to.
Because I don’t want to hurt her in any way
76 · Feb 2022
Untitled
Grey Feb 2022
It’s days like this that I wish the bullet hadn’t jammed in the chamber,
That the car had burned.
That it all ended.
76 · Feb 2022
|Sidelines|
Grey Feb 2022
Haunted by dreams throughout the night,
Echoing voices fill the room.
As the sun travels across the sky the gods force me to wait
Is this the lesson of patience,
Is this the test?
Though my heart is heavy & my mind races
I hear the voice,
“Be still, patience. If you long for revenge cast upon us. Justice is swift and true. Be still.”
I make my offerings to Odin seeking wisdom and protection for me
I offer to Baldur to watch over my love.
To Vali I ask for vengeance against the one who harmed her.
Haunted by the echoed voices of the many.
Rage fills my soul and yet here I stay,
Still.
75 · Jan 2022
Nightmares
Grey Jan 2022
Fire, the burnt rubber smell and the reek of gasoline.
Suddenly I’m back in the burning car.
This time the seatbelt is stuck,
No matter what I do I can’t get out.
I can feel my face burning hot as the flames get closer and closer.
Unbearable and immense pain.
The agony and uselessness.
And there she is, Della.
Standing outside that burning car,
Laughing smiling.
“Gotcha this time.”
Then I wake up,
My whole body feels hot and my face is drenched in sweat.
Like the dream was in fact real…
-
The nightmares differentiate
First it’s the burning car I was in just a week before thanksgiving.
Second it’s running into her house trashed and her cutting herself with the glass from the mirror.
Third it’s a wedding with her,
As she laughs in my face and runs off with someone else.
Fourth it’s the empty dark room as she’s there,
Saying repeatedly every hurtful thing she could.
The only way I can make her stop is by saying I love you,
Then she becomes this happy person.
And brings her family and friends in,
Lies straight to their faces and pretends it’s a healthy relationship or hides it.
Either way these nightmares are getting worse.
They don’t sound as bad as I’m writing on here,
Yet in reality I am tormented…
PTSD
Domestic Abuse
Emotional Abuse
**** talk about emotional damage
73 · Jul 2022
Untitled
Grey Jul 2022
I could never hate you,
You were the brightest light of my life.
The girl I wanted to marry and wake up next to every morning.
The girl id hoped was to be the mother of our children.
The girl I loved more than anything,
The girl who’s father I promised to always take care of.
You’re also the girl who hurt me the most,
And I needed that.
I needed to be broken and destroyed to my core,
If it wasn’t for everything I wouldn’t have grown up.
I wouldn’t have become who I am now and will be.
Again I could never hate you only smile when you come into my life even if it’s only to leave again.
Maybe you are the one,
Maybe not.
My promise stays true,
And if you aren’t the one then I know the one will never misunderstand that I am going to keep my word till the day I die.
I truly just want to live and be happy.
Goof around and watch my shows,
Go to work and accomplish wonders.
I suppose time always does tell.
Maybe you are the one,
Maybe not.
73 · Sep 2021
Untitled
Grey Sep 2021
You were right Delyla.
I can never be a good person even though I tried.
And I’m also sorry that I didn’t try harder.
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