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Grey Apr 2022
It hurt seeing your face…
Hearing your laugh…
Knowing that I know I hurt you many times, choosing someone else who doesn’t even know what it means to truly care for someone.
The distance I’ve put between us is because I know I keep hurting you.
You try,
To explain how it’d better to be in each other’s lives.
Yet I can’t.
I’ve done too much hurt to you and it usually doesn’t work.
Maybe one day I don’t know.
I do know that I love you,
I always have.
Yet the universe always has the best timing.
You’ll always be the bestest friend, the girl I fell in love with.
The girl that no one can compare to.
And also the one I don’t deserve.
I hope you find the man who will not just take care of you but will see you as I always have,
Not a broken girl with a torn up past but someone who’s heart is on her sleeve and so much more.
Our families don’t even understand why I can’t be with you, all I can do is hope one day they do
Grey Jul 2022
It was the first hug,
We always talked about how nervous and shy we’d be.
Yet that first hug,
The second we saw each other you ran,
I scooped you up in my arms and that was the best and warmest embrace.
You asked when did I know it was always supposed to be you I said my heart was yours that moment.
Day by day since then it’s grown more and more.
My love for you has deepened,
Forever will I love you.
-1-
Grey Mar 2022
-1-
7:13 am,
My mind never seems to stop wandering, honestly I wish there was just a switch.
Instead I’m doing my laundry with her on the FaceTime,
I keep worrying about what could happen.
What has happened.
Like what if our time together again is really is just going to be cut short again.
Honestly I’m worried about her,
I don’t want to see her hurting again.
I don’t even think she believes me when I do tell her I want to be her friend,
It’s like with everyone in my life it takes extraordinary measures to just be heard.
Which I don’t want to do anymore, it’s exhausting.
I use to always try to get my point across, put my foot down kind of.
Now?
I just want to be happy, and I’m learning new things like being comfortable in telling someone no I don’t want to do that.
I use to be a big people pleaser because I was taught that the idea of you is important, how you look, how you present yourself has to be perfect.
Now I just like doing the things that make me happy and I’m okay with doing them alone now.
It was scary at first because I use to hold onto the idea that I needed to find a partner in life to make it so to speak,
When really all i needed was to be able to be happy with myself.
So far so good.
Sometimes it gets dark,
I second guess myself.
I don’t know maybe it’s all part of the process.
Even writing this is all over the place,
Honestly I’m worried she’s gonna have a nightmare and that I’m not gonna be able to calm her down.
Or that maybe I still can…
Either way all I know for sure?
I can’t figure out what I’m feeling exactly, only that I want to be here for her no matter what.
Like I promised
Grey Apr 2018
We were reckless and fury
We were beaten and broken
We were rebels and leaders
We were young and fierce
We were demons and saviors
We were carefree and dreamers
We were wolves and wild
We were family not forgotten

In time the memories will bring us back
In time we will run free once more
In time we meet again to remember
In time there will be smiles and laughs
A group of misfits and dreamers. A pack.
The Shadow Pack.
Pack Fam.
Boy do I miss them, I miss them all. Hopefully in time we can all get together again
Grey Aug 2020
Fear, the one resort that everyone tries to use as their strength
I find it amusing, the tough act
Little do you know, the demons that reside in my head smile too
Rather than drowning those dark voices inside, you succumb to them and the comfort they bring is no other
Some say I’m a freak, the liar, the betrayer and dangerous
In my mind, their feeble attempt that falls short every time is amusing
It’s the demons that visit in the dark and monstrous thoughts that haunt me
Not fear for myself, fear of what those can do
The words that will pierce razor sharp words to their fragile egos
The laughter that makes them uncomfortable, on edge
You can’t scare a person like me, your little words float away
I’ve grown from the weak child
I shake hands with the devil himself
I am madness, I am insanity
I’m a state of mind of its own
I could break you, leave you withered and questioning God himself
I’ve been numerous names throughout my lifetime
A son of the Devil himself, evil incarnate
Evil, an interesting word. A summary only
The pain I cause others is sin, and yet a part of my blackened soul feels sorrow
I may born of a dark past, i may have lived a broken life
I’m a ******* son with a demonic temper
Who’s learning to be human, and become a good person
I’m a ******* son of the world searching for redemption
Do you ever just feel out of place your entire life? And when people try to intimidate you, all you can do is laugh because they don’t know how much **** you’ve gone through and nothing can hurt you anymore
Grey Nov 2021
You never cared for me.
You acted like you did.
In the end you never truly cared.
And that’s okay because now I know,
Love is the most beautiful lie.
Grey Feb 2022
It’s like being in that fire again,
The inescapable feeling that this can hurt you.
This will hurt you,
And the choice is whether to stay in that fire knowing it will hurt.
That it will **** you every second you stay in it.
Then there’s the choice that also hurts but in a different way.
Right now it’s a choice of do I love you so much to the point that I will keep hurting myself?
Or do I go and choose to try to love myself.
Either way each choice feels like being in that fire.
That moment when everything changes and even the atmosphere stifles you.
And it hurts because in the end what’s the point.
Grey Jan 2022
Smoking cigarettes while the campfire crackled.
“What do you feel when you think about how she hurt you? Because when I think about him, I remember the lies and the half assed love.”
I wrap my arms around you to keep you warm,
“I remember the lies too, the two faced ideology. The need for perfection, how she wanted things her way because my ways were stupid or childish.”
-
“People really do think it’s okay to just control people don’t they? I remember when I picked you up to go help her… that was scary, what scared me more was how she never saw that you only wanted to help her but she traumatized you from that first night.”
As the flashbacks started, her hand gently caressed mine.
“It’s okay, remember she only has that power or control over you if you give it to her.”
-
Before I used to think marry the one who you love & it feels right.
Now, because of her, this amazing and thoughtful, smart, kind, wonderful amazing woman,
I say Marry the one who turns back time,
To show it’s okay to be a kid again.
Marry the one who stops Time,
To enjoy the moment with you.
Marry the one who travels through time,
To plan a future with you.
Marry the one who understands and challenges you.
Luckily for me,
There’s one girl who’s able to do just those things and more.
M.R.F.
Fate took us on different paths, with a lot of hardship along the way. Yet here we are, found a once again.
10/31/2021
Grey Jun 2021
I missed the way you smiled when you were in the passenger seat as we crossed state lines,
Closer to home your smile brightened more and more.
We woke up to sunrises and iced coffee
Country music playing with the windows rolled down & smoking our cigarettes.
I remember falling in love with you when we took that hike up Bear Butte in South Dakota,
When we reached the top the sun was setting and the lightning from the coming storms were striking as the sky rumbled.
It was our adventure that I found myself loving you more,
When we had to come back to New Mexico us was a hard goodbye because we both knew that the adventure was over and reality would set back in.
That we would probably drift back apart unless we’d tried to remember those moments.
I remember breaking my best friends heart chasing a toxic lover who couldn’t understand my soul like she did.
One day I hope to find you again,
Hopefully someday
Grey Jan 2022
Surprised to see you at my door as I am embraced,
The feeling of safety and absolute love.
A gentle smile as you make the joke about your “spider sense”
Sensing I wasn’t okay.
We sit by our fire and watching our Disney movies on the projector.
Cold crisp air broken by the warmth of each other and that crackling fire.
For a while I couldn’t stand fires, not after that Saturday morning…
“Your counselor called. Said you were off so I came back home.”
“Home? I thought North Dakota was home, for both of us.”
“My home is you, where you are.”
“How’s Liam?”
“Growing baby boy, definitely misses the all nighter gaming noises. He can’t sleep throughout the night unless I put one of your stream videos on.”
-
Campfire crackles as the winter moon lights our night sky.
It’s warmer here than we’re use to, so stargazing happens every night.
Learning the constellations.
It’s refreshing to know I don’t have to choose between the one I love and my family who isn’t perfect yet loves me all the same.
Smoke cigarettes and laugh throughout the nights.
Together we enjoy the moments that fleetingly pass by yet are frozen forever and stored in memory.
It’s interesting how far we’ve come,
Almost predestined with my fathers and your mothers side so close before.
Who knew?
Grey Feb 2022
Make me your villain,
It’s okay.
You know only one side of the coin,
The day will come when you will be curious as to the other side.
Let me know when you’re ready
Ill be here as usual.
The side no one hears.
Create your very own demon in the closet,
All I wanted was to be happy and watch the movies
Not get roped into your twisted toxic relationship
My only goal was having fun on apex or at least having company on the game.
Yet here we are once again
You’ve made me the scapegoat.
All of you again,
When ironically this time I was innocent.
Grey Feb 2022
Endless laughs & gaming
Seeing your smile brighten the room,
Good vibes & a connection that even we can’t explain.
-
Suddenly the countdown begins,
The cycle continues.
He apologizes, you make it work.
And somehow I am the scapegoat to the underlying problem.
So I am cast aside,
Discarded because I am only one thing.
The Blame.
And because I will always care for you I will be the blame.
Cast it all on me I can take it,
I know my place,
I practice my craft well.
My only wish is that if I could stretch out our time together just a little longer before you say goodbye…
Once again…
Grey Mar 2022
I learned that all along I was trying to be happy,
And that in the end none of them ever cared.
How could they?
I gave them the dagger hoping that they saw it was a sign of trust…
and yet instead they plunged it deep.
Now happiness is a fairytale.
Love is a cruel trick.
And I am left completely and utter numb.
Grey Jan 2022
Seeing each other again across the dance floor of a wedding.
Ironically the wedding was at the country club,
Surrounded by our friends and family.
Without realizing we might’ve run into each other here of all places,
I sulked in a corner taking advantage of a free bar.
Faintly I heard a familiar laugh,
That joyous laugh where you’re smiling with the little nose crunch
Months had gone by a whole year went by without hearing that laugh and the second I heard it over those speakers booming,
I immediately leaped searching thinking it was just familiarity.
And that’s when I saw you, in that black dress that flowed almost as if it was mimicking a downstream current.
Graceful.
And your smile, brightened that entire room.
You were talking to my mother, the both of you standing there was amazing.
I had sweaty palms and the suddenly that tux I was wearing was choking me,
In a good way.
That glass of whiskey helped steel my nerves when you turned and saw me.
The dance floor, it’s what separated us for that moment.
It was like time froze, for that one beautiful moment of us seeing each other again.
And you just ran, the fastest I’d ever seen anyone run in heels.
I ran to catch you and hold you.
Just like that dance partner.
Like two kids again laughing the night away,
Even told you about my time as a wedding coordinator and planned who wedding with colors my ex wanted.
That’s when we wanted air, walked the golf course.
Decided to play a little golf, competitive against each other of course.
And walked over to the gazebo…
Talking about the regrets we made that night,
How we should’ve just made our pasta dinner and wine for just us.
Curled up on the terrible futon couch watching marvel movies.
Instead we gave toxic people a chance to be better,
Mature.
I told you about how I fell out of the truck trying to run as fast as I could but 3 of us needed to drink more alcohol than needed to try to be civil.
After that I couldn’t help but stare in awe of how beautiful you were.
And without hesitation, I kissed you and you kissed me.
Now here we are, I’m writing about seeing you again.
And you’re listening to my endless rabble about Spiderman theories.
And together we’re conquering the world.
Grey Apr 2022
Eventually it always comes down to the same question.
Hold onto hope that everything we’ve been through will be a part of the journey, & that one day it will all be worth it. To not give up on her, but to give her time. Love her with all my heart and wait. Because one day she’ll see it, that one day we’ll both be old enough finally.
Or let go.
Give up on the one person I saw more than could ever imagine, let her go because getting hurt repeatedly by her is just too much. To accept that she will never love as much as I loved her. She doesn’t understand what kind of love that is, how could she? She’s never been at that low point where you meet that one person who inspires you to be more, to be better. To accept that she’d rather stay in her own ways, that she will always lie when she says she cares for me and loves me. Because if she did, she would’ve tried. No lies, no cheating.
So what’s it going to be?
Hold on through the storm?
Or let go?
Grey Jan 2022
Some say I’m an angel,
Some say I’m the devil.
Yet through your eyes I am both & more.
Some fear me because of the devilish black eyes I bear,
Some love me because heart on my sleeve I wear.
Yet through your eyes I am more.
Everyday I grow deeper in love with you,
The world is ours.
My devilment & your kindness.
Many took us for granted yet here are,
Still standing.
Now together.
Grey Jul 2021
It wasn’t that I wanted to be the one you wanted.
It was that I knew as much as I love you,
I’m no good for you.
I want to run wild & free.
You deserve stability & security.
I could say right person wrong time.
In the end I don’t deserve you.
And that’s okay
Grey Feb 2022
Once again lost to oblivion, my mind & heart.
Yet here I cry out trying to help once more as another piece of my soul is taken.
And it’s okay,
Because she’s safe.
Just once I wish I wouldn’t have to.
Protecting those I care about from the demons that lurk in the shadows.
Waiting to feed.
And they wonder why I am so heartless now…
I have only one answer,
Love.
Grey Nov 2021
My soul burned in that fire.
The rest of any happiness,
Any hope.
As the fire growled and roared,
My body  escaped…
But my heart and soul burned in that fire
Grey Jul 2022
I sent messages.
Asking.
Wondering.
Searching.
Some I couldn’t take back,
Yet the other i unsent.
Partials of my heart;
The deepest truest parts scattered across the winds.
Now the last remnants of a wholehearted loving boy,
Gone.
Truly now I am empty.
I have no more.
I am truly hollow.
I am what remains.
Grey Mar 2021
If I wanted to, I have the power to burn the world down
If I wanted to, I have the ability to wreak havoc and chaos
I am sadness too far gone to the point where anger is all that is left
I am exhausted
Yet for the first time I am using the anger to become something more
Growing is painful
There are a lot of unanswered questions
Yet I stand here knowing that the world is mine
And everyone who’s doubted me and insulted me, will one day taste their words turned to ashes in their mouths
I am ambition,
I will not be stopped this time
I am coming for everything I deserve and more
Grey Nov 2021
As confusing as it sounds,
She left me empty inside.
The bitter reality is that she believes that she had done no wrong.
Yet in the end if two people who loved each other,
They both have the power to hurt one another.
I see the reality, she left me hollow…
I left her heartless…
The worse realization is that i knew when it was the right time to leave.
Yet I stayed because I believed her when she said she loved me.
Grey Feb 2022
There’s no doubt that I will always be here, no matter how hard it is or how much it hurts to see you struggle.
I showed up that one night in the spring,
And I’ve shown up ever since.
I walk a dangerous line between who I am and who I was.
Yet for you I will always show up.
Because in the end it’s always been you.
Even if you never choose me,
There’s still a part of me that believes in the small chance.
Grey Feb 2022
I keep going back to that moment,
Right after we slid into the ditch.
As we literally hung in the balance,
Too much weight on the right side and we’d roll deeper and deeper into the ditch.
It was the moment that was so quiet and still.
Where every part of me shuddered,
Where we both forgot how to breathe.
Dangling as she slammed her foot on the gas pedal,
Causing the grass below the left driver side tire to spark on fire.
In that moment of stillness as the dry grass burned,
Fear.
Don’t move.
Figure something out.
She can’t move.
I can’t move.
Are we going to die?
I can’t stop shaking.
Breathe.
I can’t breathe.
******* we are going to die.
That moment where all the questions and decisions in the world happened,
The left tire blew erupted into flames as I grabbed her shoulder, leaving her towards the left side to stabilize us as much as possible.
I told her to push her feet into that break and not to let up until I tell her to.
Climbing into the back seat breaking the window and climbing out.
Pitch black smoke everywhere I actually lost my directions and couldn’t see the van.
I couldn’t breathe.
After fumbling around like a blind man,
I found the door and had to rip the seat belt off to get her out.
She was frozen so I had to carry her to the other of the road.
That’s when the next moment happened.
The shuddering, the heat of the flames.
The crackling of the fire, the moonlight reflecting on the river.
That’s when I did the most stupidest thing,
I ran back into the fire.
K.
Grey Feb 25
K.
Chaotic and violent thrashing of thunder and cracks of lightning
A tortured soul and a burdened mind.
Within a life that seemed destined to be nothing more than bleak and surviving alone,
There she was.
The one who heart and soul I was meant to find.
Her kind and gentle soul filled with love and compassion,
Someone who has seen and lived through pain and suffering yet,
Her smile beams and radiates joy throughout a room.
The smell of her hair and her touch ever so loving.
To a young man who’s stated never again to love,
How could someone so beautiful and so perfect love someone like him?
His dark past, the nights filled with torment and though she’s seen his darkest moments…
She loves with her all and day by day she is teaching him to know the truest love,
How to give and how to receive.
It’s okay not to be okay.
To be open and never have to worry about feeling alone.
Her hand in mine,
The promise of never again will we have to suffer another heartbreak (other than who ate the last bite on the plate)
Truly love is a wonderful and beautiful thing,
To find in a vane way of saying perfection when there is no such thing,
Here she is.
My beautiful wife,
Love of my life.
The one I adore and hope each day I’m becoming a better man for.
Truly I love you and have searched for you.
Forever and Always, Always and Forever.
Across the galaxies and across the pages of time I will always love you.
Grey Apr 2022
I know my place,
Low & Last.
Last resort after there’s no one else to be there.
Yet even though I know my place I still get so excited to be around you.
Then it hurts again because I remember it won’t last long,
There’s always someone or something who will always be better than me.
It’s not pity I want or wish for,
Honestly I want to dull myself, dull that excitement.
Yes I know I am Last & Low.
Grey Jun 2022
Once again the pressure is on.
I know I can succeed in anything I set my mind to,
I also know that I will eventually hurt myself.
My main worry is that
Everyone expects me to be this great person or to do amazing things.
What hurts is that I just wanted to be happy,
Relaxed,
Or able to be me. To be free without judgement of how I like building Lego’s or thinking I can do karate in Walmart but really I’m having fun.
For once I would like to not be ridiculed.
Or have high expectations set for me.
It’s exhausting.
High expectations are a challenge for me,
Challenges I find easy.
Eventually leading to burnout.
Then all of sudden I’m just a lazy ***.
There really is no pleasing anyone.
Only if I work myself to death exceeding any and all expectations.
Only if I push myself way beyond the normal persons breaking point and I just smile while I’m dead and rotting inside.
Sleep is fine,
Dreams are annoying.
Sleep is nice because I don’t have to hear the daily expectations.
I don’t have to mask my energy and act normal like everyone else.
Eventually I know I will break.
I just hope everyone sees that this is what happens when you expect the most from the one who will do it without hesitation.
It’s almost cruel yet they will never know because if they did then they would feel bad.
And that’s annoying.
I hate being blamed when all the signs where there,
They just can’t see them and choose to ignore the smallest ones they can see.
It’s a blessing and curse,
Being NeuroDivergent.
It’s something no one seems to understand,
I truly am…
Alone…
Grey Feb 2022
I don’t understand how someone who said they loved you so much,
Could erase you like you’re nothing.
I didn’t ask to love you as much as I do
I also didn’t know that I had to just erase everything we had every memory and force myself to move on like you.
I want to heal the right way not force myself to move past everything I feel.
I don’t want to just act like it was all nothing.
I didn’t ask to be in that accident either and I didn’t ask for all the pain, the anger the hurt I didn’t ask for any of this.
And I don’t understand why I can’t just heal
Not in a rush.
I can’t just jump into a relationship and say I’m better without you
I can’t just delete every memory I have from you because those are the most precious memories I will always carry and I can’t let those go.
And you are cruel, you have been cruel.
Yet I cannot hate you, I could never hate you.
And now you say I broke you when I blocked you for the first time
I will never understand that,
I had to live with being broken like that over and over again.
It hurts, it rips you apart and I am sorry that you felt that.
I also know I can’t let myself hurt anymore…
I wanted you in my life as well, I wanted to grow and heal and I wanted you to be proud of me.
Yet this whole time I was hurting myself more.
And I can’t do that anymore.
Grey Mar 2022
I remember parts of my childhood,
Like how I could learn everything in my lessons fast & wanted to learn the entire book instead of stopping at the days lesson.
I remember realizing I liked listening to music because the world was so loud, I carried a CD player when I’d go grocery shopping with my parents.
I memorized everything, I could almost watch entire movies in my head my mother would tell me later that I was always zoned out.
I remember the screaming, arguments over bills and previous girlfriends or boyfriends my parents had before they got married.
Which is why I liked watching movies with the tv turned up loud, or having those cheap over the ear headphones on and my CD player.
I was 5.
By the time I was 12 I had been to more funerals of people I didn’t really know,
During this time I would have nightmares about a man wrapped in barbed wire thrown from a car, that was my uncle who died drunk cruising with his friends (this was actually my very first memory)
or the blood on the tree and in the sand. The police lights illuminating the night sky of my grandmothers house, one of the family members that lived in the house next to my grandmothers had killed the other, again drinking led to a stabbing.
Not to mention that the guy that got stabbed his wife ended up drinking herself to death too,
My last memory of her being alive was seeing her with yellow skin and eyes running into the target bathroom and throwing up in the first stall, to this day I still don’t even go near that stall.
Their kids, now orphans came to live with us.
That was another horror show in of itself.
They were demented kids, perverted and sexually abused.
The oldest boy actually sexually abused me in the back room and in my room of my once safe home, it happened a total of 17 times.
We’d go to the therapist every week for them and I’d read the pamphlets.
I even tried asking for help from my mother and even that therapist,
They all laughed and made me feel like I was crazy because kids don’t do those things to other kids.
So I learned to live with a mask,
Eventually those kids all left to be with their family who finally realized that if they claim kids they get more back on their tax returns.
When they left it should’ve been a relief,
It wasn’t.
Once again I tried to tell my mother what I went through,
I was hollow inside I didn’t know how to feel anymore I needed help…
She brushed me off and said nothing was wrong with me that I was fine.
Little did she know that i probably would’ve been a better person if she’d just listened and got me the help I needed.
Because ever since the childhood I never had, which what I’m writing is the only things I can remember the rest is a blur I just know it hurt alot,
I have never known what happiness or even any feeling other than anger or resentment felt like.
Honestly I still don’t.
Grey Mar 2022
My grandmother died when I was 13, she was the only grandparent I knew the last one…
I remember at her funeral everyone was crying,
I hated myself for not being able to cry.
By then I was numb, I was a victim of child ****** abuse and I didn’t even know it but I felt every bit of that nothing if that makes sense.
I remember how my entire family looked at me like I was crazy for not crying, I was immediately judged as the official crazy one.
I remember while the churchy part of the service started I went outside to smoke a cigarette from the pack I stole from my uncle.
Any kid would’ve been terrified to be found with an actual lit cigarette at that age,
As I stated before I was numb I really didn’t care.
The following years until now, I am still numb.
Middle school was interesting,
I ended up enjoying ditching but I’d always ask my teacher for my homework anyway.
Even though I spent most of my time in the hills on the walking trails behind my school I still passed 8th grade with straight As and a 4.0 GPA.
I got bullied like any kid did, actually shoved in lockers, beat up in the bathroom by Mrs Gallegos’ history class.
Met some friends of course, by then I was good at playing happy.
High school was full of adventures,
I joined the JROTC & they recommended that I go to West Point,
I was athletic, captain of the raider team(that’s the JROTC physical fitness team) captain of the drill team and the color guard. I excelled there.
I was battalion commander by my sophomore year, in charge of the entire class for our Army Inspection where they came to see if we were in tip top shape,
That year we had the largest battalion in Bobcat history, and I was in charge.
My sophomore year ended and summer began,
That was the summer my mother wanted me to have a boyfriend so of course I wanted to gain her love & favor I dated one guy.
He ended up ****** me in the back of his best friends bronco at the county fair.
I turned 15 that cool summer…
15 & pregnant, I was terrified.
I never told anyone, I had to go back to school and I wanted to continue to be involved in JROTC.
So what did I do?
I punched myself in the stomach repeatedly , that wasn’t working so I ended picking a fight. (Yes I know what you’re thinking Why Didn’t You Just Get Help! At the time, I learned that I don’t get help because there’s nothing wrong with me at all or so my mother always told me. I had to figure it out on my own because of what people would think of me, yes definitely don’t ever do this because it was ******* stupid of me but I didn’t know any better)
I picked a fight and let myself get pulverized,
It worked.
I didn’t realize that the hell I would go through mentally physically emotionally after that miscarriage…
After that I was truly never the same.
Looking back now, that’s when it all really went downhill.
I shut down, everything didn’t matter.
But I had to play the part of being a happy kid so once again the mask.
Junior year I didn’t care for school so I never went, didn’t even care about JROTC anymore.
A girl came into my life, we dated.
We became the most popular couple in school, everyone knew who we were.
We ran smokers corner, bought a car and ditched with the money we made from selling cigarettes.
My mother found out I was dating a girl and dragged me out of the car slamming my head on the ground which led me to the hospital to get stitches for the **** on my head.
I moved in with my girlfriend at the time,
That was when the suicidal thoughts really started kicking in.
That was when I started pills, drinking & partying.
We broke up 2 weeks after I dropped out of high school because i found out she started cheating on me when I left.
I moved back with my parents and the physical violence never stopped because I was gay.
The suicide attempts, trips to the emergency room, rehab more suicide attempts and the glorious psych ward.
This was when I learned how to lie to get out of things.
I made even the therapists cops everyone believe the words I said.
Eventually I got away with a lot.
I just turned 17 when my dad slammed my head into the concrete floor of my house, my mother kicking me and my dad pinning me on the ground,
All because I came out of my room to get a water and apparently I rolled my eyes.
I remember tasting blood and looking out of my left eye was like looking out of a red window, I used all the strength I had left to get out of that pin.
I remember barricading my room with the dresser I had and calling the police.
My mother beat me to calling the police, she told them I was assaulting them,
But once Officer Largo arrived on the scene and saw no bruising or any sign of assault on them he asked me through the door, that was literally keeping me alive, come in my room if he could come in.
That’s when he took me into the bathroom,
I looked in the mirror and saw the reason why that look of horror was on his face.
My left eye was red, busted blood vessel, the blood running down from the left side of my head, busted lip that wouldn’t stop bleeding, broken nose. Bruised all over my arms.
He called for backup requesting a female cop,
Officer Benally saw the bruises on my back and and the scratches and bruises on my neck. The EMTS said I had 6 broken ribs, 3 of them never healed properly to this day.
I remember Officer Largo handcuffing my dad and my mom.
They were screaming in terror, truly acting like they didn’t do anything wrong.
I remember telling the cops over and over to let them go that I deserved this. It was my fault.
That was when I learned that I don’t have a say in my life.
I spent that week in the ICU.
No family came, my parents were in jail.
I didn’t have anyone, I sat in that cold room watching Reba on the tv eating my jello.
I snuck out of the hospital and ran,
It hurt like hell but I ran.
I hitchhiked home that was an hour drive away,
Broke into my own house found the keys to my car put clean clothes on.
Cleaned and waited.
They got home and acting like nothing happened only that they hated me.
I went to work like any other high school age kid
I was a little ****,
High or drunk all the time.
The rest is a blur until I got semi sober after getting my first DUI at the golden age of 17,
My mother continued hitting me throughout all this and I kept telling myself I deserved this.
I turned 18 and ran as many times as I could but always went back home.
The lesson I learned, I am nothing I am no one.
So **** it
Grey Mar 2022
18,
Dropout.
Alcoholic.
Addict.
I moved into a ratty old apartment with my cousin a friend and at the time girlfriend.
We drank religiously, had every drug to get us high.
And somehow all managed to keep our jobs, not just keep them but we excelled at them.
My favorite was coke and speed. I liked being able to just sit there and my head blank.
I have ADHD so **** works differently with me, my friends would be hyped up or paranoid.
I felt safe, ****** was home though.
I loved being able to shut my brain down,
Of course I overdosed twice,
Once in high school my best friend found me took care of me like the hospital and stuff.
I was so ****** up then too, I didn’t even notice he was hurting inside too.
He ended his life with a bullet to head, his brother and I found him at chokecherry canyon.
The second time I overdosed I was 19, we were at the apartment.
We had the whole week from work because we all wanted to just have fun. I’m talking going to the lake and everything, we did it all. That last night of our little staycation I didn’t even realize how much **** I was taking because of how drunk I was.
The last thing I remember was hearing the muffled music hearing my cousin and friends laughing and boom.
I woke up in the hospital scared shitless.
The doctors told me they barely got me back, my heart stopped twice.
They brought me back.
Honestly I hated them still do.
I didn’t see anything of heaven or hell just nothing.
It was like I just went to sleep and that was it.
I, of course, signed myself out of the hospital against the doctors orders.
Came back home and they were so scared that I almost died.
I thanked them and proceeded to drink the bottle of jack daniels I bought and left in the freezer.
Life went on, I hated every second of it.
Yet I still played the part of a happy person, kept up at my jobs became a manager somehow at the skate shop.
Then I started just giving up again,
Instead of completely falling into the **** again I went to rehab.
I got therapy, I eventually didn’t drink.
Life was looking a little better
That’s when I got the job at big r and eventually met someone who would change everything.
Even to this day I wish I met her like 5 years later or something because she didn’t deserve the ******* recovering addict/alcoholic who eventually started drinking again.
She didn’t deserve that I didn’t deserve her.
And what ***** is that I absolutely freaked out.
It was like meeting her and knowing that I could actually be a better person was ******* scary.
And overwhelming because I wasn’t ready, I was barely getting sober.
Barley getting on my own two feet,
No where near ready to fully take that next step in healing from the trauma I lived through and grew in.
So I learned a thing,
I played the victim & ruined a really good relationship.
Like demolished it,
I hurt her because I was hurt.
I broke her because I was broken.
It was unfair to her, watching someone she loved become this complete monster.
In my head when I finally snapped, all that numbness was gone.
And every single hurt pain trauma, all of it came out.
And she left which was understandable because no one should have to be the victim of someone who exploded in anger and broke the walls of his home,
I wanted to tear that house down because of what I went through there.
The worse part of it is, my whole meltdown? It was never against her none of it was.
That was the acting out of a child who lost their childhood.
That was all the unresolved pain that I went through and literally blamed her for making me angry when really I was angry at myself and she was never the problem.
She really did love me and tried to be there, I did a “fantastic” job at pushing her away. Far away. She’s with someone else now, and I have to live everyday with that guilt.
Because she really really did love me, and I was too broken I was too far gone to even see it. I did not at the time realize that I needed to work on myself I needed to heal from my past, and there was no way that I could’ve actually given her the love she deserved because I couldn’t even love myself. I failed at being the man she needed, I failed at showing her that she was my world, because I was so stuck in that self hate that even though I knew it in my soul that I loved this girl so much that I would’ve done anything. The problem was I wasn’t actually healing myself, I tried to just cover up all that Hate and anger at myself and put on a mask. That was happy or that nothing was wrong.
Eventually that mask broke, and she’s gone.
I was 21…
Now I am 23,
What ***** is that I still love that girl, and to this day I wish I would’ve just met her 5 years after and not then… right person wrong time? I don’t know.
She loves someone else now and soon I think I’ll just be a memory, shoot not even a good one. I remember all the good and bad memories we had, and like I said I know I will forever live with the shame and guilt of hurting the woman I loved because of my own incapability of loving myself and healing.
I want to say I’m getting better, however I don’t really know if I’ll ever be actually better.
Everything still hurts.
And now I’m still a cocky **** and I’m also trying to be a better person,
The problem is the lesson I learned recently?
It all will end eventually, what matters is that each day is a chance to be better than who you were yesterday. That it’s okay to hurt, to cry. However I still get that numb feeling. I like protecting myself, but I can’t stay stuck in just survival mode anymore..
I am worth it, I’m worth something. I can be a better person than I was yesterday.
All that hurt I went through? They’re lessons, I know better now. And that it will all be okay.
One day at a time.
Grey Mar 2022
Now with the most recent events,
Got jumped about 3 times because of things that weren’t even my problem to begin with but I have the family name so yeah, my left eye hemorrhaged, if I ever get hit or fall on it I will go blind for good.
Broken and cracked ribs, left cheekbone was broken still swells every now and then.
Oh
I almost died. AGAIN.
This time was when I was drinking with my niece who’s actually a year older than me.
We went for a cruise that was indeed a drunken cruise.
She drank way more than I thought she did and I was drunk too.
We were driving on the road to my grandpas church,
She tried to turn around so we could go back up the road cuz that road ended by the river.
Instead we high centered and slid into the ditch.
We were balanced on a old buried tree trunk.
She tried to push the accelerator all the down to rev us out, that caught the dry grass on fire. And then the left driver side tired caught fire.
So I had to climb out the back left window of the van, and pull her out.
Now that should’ve been it, but I thought I could get the van out of the ditch.
So I ran back into the now burning van,
Grabbed our phones and tried to grab the insurance papers.
Burned my hands in the process but I got out,
And just in time because it did explode not a big one but it exploded.
I could’ve died and somehow I just got out in time even though I went back in.
I couldn’t breathe, it hurt to breathe.
I couldn’t stop shaking and repeating what happened in detail to the cops the emts the doctors and the nurses.
The shaking scared me because of the fact that I couldn’t just stop.
My hands were tingling and they felt like someone used sandpaper on them or something.
The strangest thing was that I kept telling everyone to call Della, the girl that left, my ex. I just wanted to talk to her.
I remember being in the van before I had to Climb out the back, that I kept seeing mountains in my mind.
I saw mountains, the black hills, the yall prairie grass, I saw the desert sands of New Mexico. I saw every place I loved and all I kept thinking was “please whoever’s  listening let me get out of this alive because I have to see her again. I promised her I wouldn’t die or **** myself. I promised her let me get out of this alive please, she’s gotta know I’m okay I have to be okay, I have to stay alive, I gotta move I gotta get us out. I gotta live, I can’t leave her like this even though she ain’t around I can’t leave her in the world by herself I gotta get out, I gotta move.”
I don’t understand I almost died three times in my lifetime and I am here.
I don’t get it. Just hope it’s for a good reason.
I hope it’s worth it, & I will do my best to make it the most of it.
Grey Jan 2022
Fire, the burnt rubber smell and the reek of gasoline.
Suddenly I’m back in the burning car.
This time the seatbelt is stuck,
No matter what I do I can’t get out.
I can feel my face burning hot as the flames get closer and closer.
Unbearable and immense pain.
The agony and uselessness.
And there she is, Della.
Standing outside that burning car,
Laughing smiling.
“Gotcha this time.”
Then I wake up,
My whole body feels hot and my face is drenched in sweat.
Like the dream was in fact real…
-
The nightmares differentiate
First it’s the burning car I was in just a week before thanksgiving.
Second it’s running into her house trashed and her cutting herself with the glass from the mirror.
Third it’s a wedding with her,
As she laughs in my face and runs off with someone else.
Fourth it’s the empty dark room as she’s there,
Saying repeatedly every hurtful thing she could.
The only way I can make her stop is by saying I love you,
Then she becomes this happy person.
And brings her family and friends in,
Lies straight to their faces and pretends it’s a healthy relationship or hides it.
Either way these nightmares are getting worse.
They don’t sound as bad as I’m writing on here,
Yet in reality I am tormented…
PTSD
Domestic Abuse
Emotional Abuse
**** talk about emotional damage
Grey Feb 2021
I do not believe that anyone could love someone with mental illness.
Either we feel too much or not enough at all.
Either we're sleeping too much,
Daydreaming
Eating too much or not at all
The nightmares or night terrors
The days you cant feel emotion, or when you feel it all
No I do not believe anyone could love someone with mental illness
Any attempt and you cant be discarded and forgotten like you never existed
Its all a lie.
The only truth is that everyone is selfish and will never truly love another
Failed attempts with people that "love" me
Grey Mar 2022
Can someone explain to me how I could finally start to breathe again.
How I was a better person and I was healing.
How I started to smile again without faking it.
How the nightmares weren’t as frequent.
How everyday was becoming brighter.
How I was getting better.
Only for one girl to say all the right triggers,
To play with my head again.
How could one person cause such pain and now here I am.
This time i don’t even know where to start.
Grey Dec 2020
“I’ll be there to pick up the pieces”
The most terrifying sentence I have ever heard,
It pierced my soul
The words that came from you,
The hurt in your voice.
And how I shut you out trying to make her happy
When I never spoke to you, my best friend
What nobody understands is that there’s a darkness growing inside
I sit alone in the early morning hours,
That darkness brings a smile to my face.
I love you
But I’m no good for you
Or anyone
I feel it inside me,
Just a pitch black angry and emptiness
It comes out,
And it scared you
Tonight, like so many other nights
It’s me against the devil himself
We sit in the dark hours,
The quiet abyss.
Laughing at the pain
Completely gone
Nobody can save me now.
I sold my soul to devil when I stopped talking to you,
The one who’s there to pick up the pieces
And I’m fighting,
Every night
To be here
For the next day, to see your smile
I love you
But the battle in my mind is never ending
Grey Jul 2022
They say a man is the most dangerous man when he’s lost all he’s ever loved.
This is true,
What I’ve come to learn is that a man is more protective of what he’s found after he’s lost it all and somehow or someway,
He was blessed to find a woman who loves him flaws and all.
Who he’ll build a house for, and yet she makes it a home.
Who blesses him the most beautiful gift of all,
Family.
With little hands and little feet that will grow to hands that will endure.
With laughter and smiles that he can’t help but smile when those pop in his head when he’s at lowest.
The reason he always kept on going and found a way to make it through any and all hardships he faced alone.
Now he must face a new season of living,
Be a better man each day.
Be a better father each day.
And never give up.
If he ever falters, she’s there and never gives up on him.
This is the love and the hope he held onto through many broken nights,
Many times he prayed for the right moment, the right woman, the right time.
Nevertheless, every single time he can’t help but feel pride and joy.
This is it,
She’s the one.
Always has been and Always will be.
Grey Mar 2022
And there it is,
The dream again.
We meet at a public place,
You’re hiding your face and giggling.
And that smile, oh that beautiful dangerous smile.
We have our laughs and goof off.
When we decide to leave to go somewhere else,
As I turn around from walking backwards saying something to you,
Thats when the unknown person plunges the knife deep in my chest.
At first I don’t feel the pain,
Just the pressure.
Everyone around us screams and I stand there,
You are mortified.
Whoever this unknown person is,
Pulls the knife out with such rage then the gun comes out.
Gut shot.
That’s when the pain hits.
Then I wake up.
Grey Feb 2022
Haunted by dreams throughout the night,
Echoing voices fill the room.
As the sun travels across the sky the gods force me to wait
Is this the lesson of patience,
Is this the test?
Though my heart is heavy & my mind races
I hear the voice,
“Be still, patience. If you long for revenge cast upon us. Justice is swift and true. Be still.”
I make my offerings to Odin seeking wisdom and protection for me
I offer to Baldur to watch over my love.
To Vali I ask for vengeance against the one who harmed her.
Haunted by the echoed voices of the many.
Rage fills my soul and yet here I stay,
Still.
Grey Jan 2022
Our families knew each other long before,
They were kids young and free.
Thanksgiving with my mothers side and your fathers side,
Christmas surrounded with my fathers side and your mothers.
Somehow it seems like it was meant to be,
Met out of random at a interview for Olive Garden.
Instantly connected and became best friends,
Throughout the years we found ourselves with people who never appreciated or saw what we were worth.
Our backgrounds were always a problem,
Yet we connected again not just through our family’s or fate but through our pain.
An understanding no one could fathom.
The breaking point was that night the fighting erupted.
You fought her I argued with him.
At first it felt like betrayal but now that we’re older,
It’s clear.
We didn’t fight or argue them because we loved them it was because we saw the way they treated us.
I hated the way he took you for granted and used you,
You hated her for the same.
It was unfortunate that it all came crashing down that way.
Yet here we are, free from their tightening grips
The condescending tones
The one sided love.
Now that we can breathe freely,
Traveling back and forth between those state lines is easier.
The long road of struggling is over,
Now it’s a time of healing and growth.
Together.
Grey Dec 2021
And just like that,
All the bad stuff that ever happened…
I was thankful it did,
Because if it didn’t happen I wouldn’t be who I am today.
Stronger, wiser still comical but always trying to do better.
Grey Feb 2022
I hate you because you are nothing but a ****** ******* that doesn’t care about her,
That kept her in a drunken state of mind and called it happiness.
I hate that you act weak and cry expecting pity, preying on her kindness.
Taking advantage of the fact that she will go above and beyond for those she cares about,
I hate the fact that I listened and watched and couldn’t do anything because I am miles away.
I hate that you called her a ***** and a ***** for wanting to be happy,
For making her choose between being happy and only half hearted happy.
I hate that you call it love when it really poison.
And of course she’ll take care of you you convinced her that you are lovable and here I am the witness to your true side.
The endless calls telling me that you will **** yourself because you aren’t good enough,
I witnessed your petty anger and saw in your eyes the real you.
And how you said you love playing her just so you won’t have to be alone.
I witnessed how pathetic you are.
And even now she begs me not to message you,
Because you are truly the greatest liar I have ever met.
For her sake I will sit back and watch you f*ck up again.
This time I will laugh and also feel sorry for her.
You play a dangerous game and one day she’ll see you for who you really are.
The message I’ve typed out and never got to send to the piece of sh*t who thinks he got away with it all.
Grey Mar 2022
I had a way out, m
Of this entire life.
Start over in the big city,
New York.
Bought the plane ticket and everything.
Two nights before I was supposed to leave,
My friend wanted to party, send me off with a bang so to speak.
This was the night that I should’ve just stayed home, listened to my gut.
My ex and I broken up again, and once again my world was complete ****.
My friend picked me up and we headed to the house that ironically was two streets down from where I use to live with another girl who wanted to be in a relationship with me but under the circumstances we couldnt.
And it was 4 blocks away from my ex’s mothers house.
I knew the area well, I walked it numerous times.
The party was chill, everyone had their drinks. I wanted to be safe so I brought my own to start off.
The music was blasting, we all had a good time.
That was until the drugs came out.
This was the time I relapsed hard.
I wanted to feel numb, I wanted to forget everything for as long as I could.
I wanted to forget her, forget how I felt about her.
So I snorted the lines, took the shots and I buried myself in as much of the **** as I could.
Turns out one of our other former friends liked me, we kissed.
Had a great time.
That was until I had to run.
I don’t know how the fight started between the other people in the other room, I just know that the second I heard the sound of a gunshot, my first instinct was get the **** out.
Luckily my friends and I were all in the kitchen just about to take our shots, I took two of them and pushed them out of the kitchen and through the living room.
It happened fast, that gun smacking the side of my head.
I remember seeing the instant flash of red and white.
I couldn’t see straight but honestly I think those last two shots helped.
Four guys were punching each other and the fight moved into the living room we were in.
Apparently I must’ve looked like one of the guys they were fighting because the guy that hit me with gun came at me again.
“Oh ****”
The punches wouldn’t stop.
Eventually I  tackled him as hard as I could just in time to get us out and put  my friends in the car and told the only sober one to get them home and since there wasn’t any room in that ******* small car I stayed behind.
Another gunshot and a scream as they drove away,
So I ran as fast as I could, stumbling every now and then of course.
I tried going to the old little house my friend Marissa lived in that we got, when I got to the door I remembered she didn’t live there anymore.
So I kept running,
Threw up a couple times and kept running.
I ended up at the alleyway on the edge of my ex girlfriends mothers house.
I stopped when I got to the sidewalk by the edge of the driveway.
That’s when it hurt,
I knew that even if I showed up beaten up bloodied,
She wouldn’t help.
Or maybe she would I don’t know.
I mean why should she?
I was the pathetic ******* ex,
I don’t deserve help.
I could’ve just tried, knocked on the door at least.
Instead
So I ran so more.
Grey Aug 2022
Seeing her with her paintbrush,
The small details she focuses on.
The little eyebrow scrunch and deep breathes.
Then calm & serenity.
Every line with new colors blending and becoming something only she could’ve seen.
She brings it to life,
The little smile when she notices I’m in awe of her.
Etching the wonders of her mind,
Coffee break as she asks for a poem.
I didn’t realize she would paint it out,
And that’s how the poet fell for the painter.
Grey Sep 2022
I’m not giving up on you,
How could I?
I made a promise.
Grey Nov 2021
Oh the irony of the Gods,
Sending the veiled love to pester my already worn soul.
Love is truly dangerous,
Blinds even the sharpest minds.
Even now torments my much needed rest with dreams.
Her whispers of I love you
Laughing in the background.
Twisted
Grey Mar 2021
There is no one to hear my pain
And I am only to Blame
I accept the undying honesty that I have only myself to blame
So thunder cracks
And I bid my last farewell
Grey Nov 2021
Truly I must’ve been born with greatness,
Or so I believed.
Now I see…
I shake the very world,
The truth comes to light.
Hated by many because I am not afraid to speak my mind about their silver tongues two faces and back stabbings.
Oh gods,
Pray that I will never become truly a monster
Grey Aug 2021
Sitting in a chair with a coffee in one hand at a breakfast restaurant , the sun was shining and everyone was walking by going about their everyday life.
Just as I was about get to leave I heard your voice,
“hey Josh”
I turned around and saw you there smiling,
Even though I knew something was wrong.
You didn’t need to explain you sat down immediately and we sat there in silence as if we were honoring a loss.
He had broken up with you because we were all supposed to meet to discuss our lives together.
When you’d finally told me, you tried to leave.
And I responded with
“I have loved you from the moment I met you, everyday I wanted to be a part of the world you are in. I was an young and stupid idiot who never could get control of their feelings or emotions, but you I finally saw that it was possible. And that anything is indeed possible. I look at you and you are the strongest and bravest person I know. I’ve loved you when I was able to hold you in my arms. I’ve loved you from afar when you’d left to find yourself again. And I will always love you no matter what.”
She smiled,
“Can we just run away? Can we just go?”
And just like I woke up.
Back to reality where I know I’ll never be able to call her mine again
Grey Feb 2022
At the end of the day, after long hours of daily life.
We find ourselves in our separate lives.
The bitter truth of how your love for me was but a lie, and yet I can’t help but wonder if you’d finally led someone else into your trap.
The need to not be alone, the constant want for pity.
I find myself feeling sorry for the poor soul who has wrapped themselves in the web of lies you pulled many times before.
One day I hope they live to see the truth,
Or maybe not.
Either way the sad reality is that one who compels others to stay in their lives only by twisting the truth so they can be the victim.
It’s pathetic and small.
Yet I find myself once again hoping for the best,hoping you find the help you need.
And that one day the lies stop.
Because until then the pain will never go away.
Around and around we go.
We’re all pawns in Her game.
The dead, the broken, the blind.
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