You thought I was in a relationship already?
Oh if only you knew what was really going on
But okay since I’m claimed by you
Who’s the ****** ?

Some nights I lie awake staring at the ceiling,
The realization that truly something inside was broken deep down.
Never again to be healed.
The switch permanently off.
Staring beyond the ceiling almost ceaselessly and hopelessly searching for a way to bring it to life again.
Suddenly I remember that I have to breathe.
That hard burning gasp of air that leaves my eyes watery.
When I sleep I dream,
Those vivid flashbacks of well everything.
Almost in a blink of an eye it’s time for work,
Another day another dollar.

I don’t think she’ll ever understand,
That throughout every hurt every obstacle every separation and every reunification only for it to be cut short,
I have always loved her for her.
It’ll be two years this coming April 6th that we’ve been completely in each other’s lives and out during times.
It’s no lie that it hasn’t always been perfect or happy,
There’s been dark times and hurtful times.
Yet throughout everything,
I still look at her and love her more everyday.
I’ve watched her stumble and fall.
I’ve watched her pick herself up and still do everything her way,
I’ve watched her grow and become stronger.
I’ve also hurt her,
I’ve disappointed her.
I let her down because I wasn’t ready for anything she needed.
Yet I loved her all throughout.
She wanted stability and love.
She needed a partner,
I was too busy with my head in the clouds and too broken to even try.
I’ve watched her leave, fall in love with someone else.
Very quickly might I add.
Yet here I am still writing about the girl who’s kiss truly is beyond this world and I think about that first kiss we had.
I was a boy, who dreamed of things.
She was a girl, who believed in us.
Now here we are, two years later.
And I have to decide whether or not to let you go…
Because it hurts…
Or hang on and hope.

It hurt seeing your face…
Hearing your laugh…
Knowing that I know I hurt you many times, choosing someone else who doesn’t even know what it means to truly care for someone.
The distance I’ve put between us is because I know I keep hurting you.
You try,
To explain how it’d better to be in each other’s lives.
Yet I can’t.
I’ve done too much hurt to you and it usually doesn’t work.
Maybe one day I don’t know.
I do know that I love you,
I always have.
Yet the universe always has the best timing.
You’ll always be the bestest friend, the girl I fell in love with.
The girl that no one can compare to.
And also the one I don’t deserve.
I hope you find the man who will not just take care of you but will see you as I always have,
Not a broken girl with a torn up past but someone who’s heart is on her sleeve and so much more.
Our families don’t even understand why I can’t be with you, all I can do is hope one day they do

The first dream was the snake,
Then it was the lions in a den.
Next it was you asking me to come down to las cruces again,
You wanted to move away with me.
The plan was we’d move to North Dakota or Minnesota.
Montana was a possibility.
Either way I was to come get you,
So I did.
Everything was going good until he showed up and started arguing.
I kept packing your things and you tried to tell him to leave.
He tried to **** you, lunging at you with that knife.
Instead he had to fight me,
Even though he had stabbed me three times I hit him as hard as I could.
I could’ve killed him, punch after punch.
He was unrecognizable,
Then out of no where a girl plunged the knife in my back.
It was the girl he cheated on you with.
You hated her and knowing she did that, you saw red.
It didn’t take much for you to end things for her.
In the dream I feel like I’m dying but I don’t.
I wake up.
These dreams don’t seem to stop every night it’s a new one
Premonitions?
Warnings?
Signs?
I don’t know.
They terrify me with how clear & precise they are.
Somethings going to happen,
I tried to tell you but as usual you don’t want to listen to anyone but yourself.
So I wait.

I could never hate you,
You were the brightest light of my life.
The girl I wanted to marry and wake up next to every morning.
The girl id hoped was to be the mother of our children.
The girl I loved more than anything,
The girl who’s father I promised to always take care of.
You’re also the girl who hurt me the most,
And I needed that.
I needed to be broken and destroyed to my core,
If it wasn’t for everything I wouldn’t have grown up.
I wouldn’t have become who I am now and will be.
Again I could never hate you only smile when you come into my life even if it’s only to leave again.
Maybe you are the one,
Maybe not.
My promise stays true,
And if you aren’t the one then I know the one will never misunderstand that I am going to keep my word till the day I die.
I truly just want to live and be happy.
Goof around and watch my shows,
Go to work and accomplish wonders.
I suppose time always does tell.
Maybe you are the one,
Maybe not.

Binge watching Stranger Things,
Her favorite show.
Come to find out 80s show that I stayed away from for god knows why.
Something about her,
Breath of fresh air.
Before I clock into work she tells me to be safe & she’ll be up at 3 am when I get off from work.
Just like clock work she’s up and sends a video of her with the biggest smile because I sent her videos and pictures of what I’m working on that night.
I get home and right away snacks and stranger things.
Sometimes we cook dinner well early breakfast.
I find a record for us to listen to, it’s just us for those early morning hours.
Sleep has never felt so amazing before in my life.
I’ve loved you forever
And forever will I always love you

Tonight the dream was me back home,
Visiting my uncles grave.
And you were there with me.
We were happy & somehow it all worked out.

After everything I’ve been through,
Coming to the conclusion that I will never trust or love anyone again.
There she is,
And without hesitation I fell

In the End,
Becoming a ghost,
Focusing on myself rather than pleasing everyone.
Truly was the right decision.
The liars exposed, selfish were knocked of their high horses.
All masks one by one all removed.
In the End,
I’m growing, healing, hard working.
All the hard work is paying off.
If only they would’ve just believed in me like I  believed in them.

She stays awake to make sure I get home safely.
We tease each other and have been talking almost nonstop every day.
Her smile is warm and she isn’t scared to be a little goofy.
Honestly I’m glad I didn’t just jump into a relationship,
Because I can’t imagine ever hurting her.
I use to be a really immature guy but with her I can’t imagine ever being like that.
She inspires me,
To be better to grow.
To be the better man than I know I can be,
And to give her the world.
She deserves it,
And I’ll find the way to make it happen

I hate it when life is going in the right direction,
Then you come back in some how.
It’s almost as if you enjoy derailing peoples lives.
I hate thinking that you would be capable of that.
This time is different,
I look at you and there’s almost nothing left.
Just the feeling of disappointment.
You use me when you’ve put yourself in that dark hole.
Once I show the love you deserve and could have,
You run back to the very thing that hurt you more than I ever could.
That’s when I realized you don’t want love,
Your own words as if you were speaking to a mirrored image of yourself;
“You just love the idea of love.”
Also how you twist things or assume them, then tell me how I do that.
Maybe I do, yet it’s ironic because I’m the sober one.
So this time,
You say this is the last straw, yet you always say that.
The cycle continues with you,
I won’t be a part of it any longer.
To quote my favorite line,
“I’m not going to stop the wheel, I’m going to break the wheel.”
You don’t get to win.
I will keep working, growing and becoming the best I can be.
The problem isn’t me, if it was then my life would be terrible everyday.
Yet it only goes south the second you come back into it.
So no more.
And when the day comes and you’re struggling again you’ll see me but you won’t know who I am.
Then again you never did.
I will build my life,
You’ll be lucky enough to see what you could’ve had.
What I wanted to build with you,
But that all went the window the second you slept with him out of spite.
The woman I choose isn’t a girl who plays games with peoples heads.
She loves with her whole heart,
Smiles the biggest smile.
Laughs like there’s no tomorrow.
I lost her twice because of you coming back into my life,
And I ran to help you everytime.
She understood even though I never could if that was me.
Now it’s her.
Because it should’ve been from the beginning.

You were right Delyla.
I can never be a good person even though I tried.
And I’m also sorry that I didn’t try harder.

It was then,

That I felt truly
Absolutely
Alone

Jolted up in a cold sweat,
I remember why I try not to sleep.
The dreams are back again, the horrible nightmares.
Seeing her smile, hearing her voice before I wake up in the dream and I get the call.
“She’s gone”

To many that have known me before will only ever see me as the boy I was.
Young, insecure & stupid.
Immature, childish & reckless.
Today no one knows me,
No one took the time to really see who I am or who I’ve become.
I am what they all made me bit by bit.
That young carefree & selfless boy went through hell alone,
They all played their parts in killing that boy.
One by one.
Of course they all said the same things,
You’re amazing you’ll do great things, I love you, I’ll never leave you, I won’t do anything to hurt you.
Those promises lasted about a day for some.
Today,
I like to think sometimes that they wonder how I turned out.
Then I remember they never cared so why should I?
I’ve become the ghost I never wanted to be,
But I had to become.
Now no one will ever know who I am.
Being alone, it’s better
It’s safer.

Thunder cracks & rumbles
The lightning flashes like the sun.
Most run & hide in fear,
Yet some smile & bask in awe as nature cries.
Happiness or anger,
The storm brews.
She says I dance in the midst of the rumbling.
I dance with the lightning as my tempo,
The thunder as the bass.
She sees that my name was given because I was born and named for the thunderstorm.
She’s the first to say what my ancestors and family have known.

And there it is,
The dream again.
We meet at a public place,
You’re hiding your face and giggling.
And that smile, oh that beautiful dangerous smile.
We have our laughs and goof off.
When we decide to leave to go somewhere else,
As I turn around from walking backwards saying something to you,
Thats when the unknown person plunges the knife deep in my chest.
At first I don’t feel the pain,
Just the pressure.
Everyone around us screams and I stand there,
You are mortified.
Whoever this unknown person is,
Pulls the knife out with such rage then the gun comes out.
Gut shot.
That’s when the pain hits.
Then I wake up.

My soul burned in that fire.
The rest of any happiness,
Any hope.
As the fire growled and roared,
My body  escaped…
But my heart and soul burned in that fire

I forgive you…
It’s hurt so long, kept me awake for many nights.
This is not just meant for one person but all of those that I’ve held so much anger against for hurting me.
I forgive you,
I can’t be angry anymore I can’t hate anymore.
Maybe one day our paths will cross again, maybe one day we can be friends again.
All I know is that right now I forgive you and I hold nothing against you,
And if by chance you think of reaching out one day don’t be scared to,
I won’t turn you away instead I will be nothing but happy and glad that you did.
Until then or we never meet again,
I hope and pray all you’ve wished for and work for pays off.
I hope your dreams come true and your life is full of abundances beyond your measure.
I hope that you find the peace you’ve been searching for, I pray that your nights are no longer haunted by nightmares.
I hope one day you can forgive me too, for any and all I’ve ever done to hurt you.
There’s nothing I can say more than I am sorry for ever hurting you,
Maybe that was the reason I was hurt too.
I don’t really know,
Stay safe.
I love you, always will.

Well I suppose I did grow up,
I grew cold.
And yet some wonder why still.
Look in the mirror,
I was left to face my battles alone.
I then grew comfortable choosing to fight some alone.
Now sometimes I find myself wondering if growing cold was worth it.
I still give chances,
When those run out I respond in annoyance or brutal honesty.
Once again villain in my former friends stories.
Past loves find me callous at times.
And all I can do is sigh heavily, smoke a cigarette and move forward.

I had a way out, m
Of this entire life.
Start over in the big city,
New York.
Bought the plane ticket and everything.
Two nights before I was supposed to leave,
My friend wanted to party, send me off with a bang so to speak.
This was the night that I should’ve just stayed home, listened to my gut.
My ex and I broken up again, and once again my world was complete ****.
My friend picked me up and we headed to the house that ironically was two streets down from where I use to live with another girl who wanted to be in a relationship with me but under the circumstances we couldnt.
And it was 4 blocks away from my ex’s mothers house.
I knew the area well, I walked it numerous times.
The party was chill, everyone had their drinks. I wanted to be safe so I brought my own to start off.
The music was blasting, we all had a good time.
That was until the drugs came out.
This was the time I relapsed hard.
I wanted to feel numb, I wanted to forget everything for as long as I could.
I wanted to forget her, forget how I felt about her.
So I snorted the lines, took the shots and I buried myself in as much of the **** as I could.
Turns out one of our other former friends liked me, we kissed.
Had a great time.
That was until I had to run.
I don’t know how the fight started between the other people in the other room, I just know that the second I heard the sound of a gunshot, my first instinct was get the **** out.
Luckily my friends and I were all in the kitchen just about to take our shots, I took two of them and pushed them out of the kitchen and through the living room.
It happened fast, that gun smacking the side of my head.
I remember seeing the instant flash of red and white.
I couldn’t see straight but honestly I think those last two shots helped.
Four guys were punching each other and the fight moved into the living room we were in.
Apparently I must’ve looked like one of the guys they were fighting because the guy that hit me with gun came at me again.
“Oh ****”
The punches wouldn’t stop.
Eventually I  tackled him as hard as I could just in time to get us out and put  my friends in the car and told the only sober one to get them home and since there wasn’t any room in that ******* small car I stayed behind.
Another gunshot and a scream as they drove away,
So I ran as fast as I could, stumbling every now and then of course.
I tried going to the old little house my friend Marissa lived in that we got, when I got to the door I remembered she didn’t live there anymore.
So I kept running,
Threw up a couple times and kept running.
I ended up at the alleyway on the edge of my ex girlfriends mothers house.
I stopped when I got to the sidewalk by the edge of the driveway.
That’s when it hurt,
I knew that even if I showed up beaten up bloodied,
She wouldn’t help.
Or maybe she would I don’t know.
I mean why should she?
I was the pathetic ******* ex,
I don’t deserve help.
I could’ve just tried, knocked on the door at least.
Instead
So I ran so more.

I’ve not slept for a week,
The pain is excruciating.
It’s all a blur now,
Every blink remains fuzzy.
Any attempt to sleep is met by haunting nightmares that violently clash with reality.
The pain comes in waves and heartbeat pounds echoing in my head.
Everyone laughed when I would say eventually I’d be hurt beyond repair,
From broken ribs, to the broken bone in my hand.
The cracked hip,
The sternum that sharp stabbing pain.
Now I suffer the truth I begged them all to see.
I begged for peace in my life before it got to this point.
They’ve all promised peace and happiness yet I am always met with violence and chaos.
I have no room left for anyone,
Pain is now my only friend.
Yet I still smile for the world to see so I do not have to bear others pity.
I suffer in the silence,
So others will never notice a thing.
Even she promised that she loved me,
The first person I ever believed.
She left all the same.
The girl with golden pocket brown eyes that I trusted wholeheartedly.
She would probably be happy that I live this way now.
She seemed to love others pain.
Least I could I do this to make her happy one more time.

Even admits the horror of that room,
She stayed.
She held onto me as long as she could before I needed to head to the emergency room.
Even now she wonders everyday asking how I am.
How could someone so beautiful be with me?
It never ceases to amaze of how much she’s lost yet she always has the biggest and brightest smile.
Holding her as her arms wrapped around my chest is the most safe place for both us.
Laughing over who gets the last chicken strip or watching the Office.
Listening to the sound of a thunderstorm and showing her there’s beauty in the storm and her teaching me that there’s also danger.
She’s my other half,
The one I was searching for.
She’s the reason I found that all the love stories and poems, books, songs, movies, shows.
All was written for.
Her family is open and kind.
Her hugs are warm yet she always says she’s cold
Which she did just tell me today that she loves my hugs that why she always says she’s cold haha

Gamer girl meets a gamer boy,
She mains Mirage and I main Octane.
Rather than playing Pubs we run to the firing range and laugh and joke around.
Testing skills against each other,
The best part is that we didn’t even realize that we had gamed all day and with a lot of my friends.
The day went by so fast and even now you wanted to call and talk until you fell asleep.
The phone calls still going and I love hearing your laugh.
Affirmation is mutual and frustration is almost nonexistent
I expected you to get mad and rage quit when we kept losing,
Instead you told me that “it’s okay let’s go again, or we can go to firing range and have fun. Invite your friend?”
It’s the sense of peace and you’d even asked me what my life was like, and not to be afraid to be honest because no one is perfect and it’s okay.
We’d talked about my ex partner that led me to this dark place.
You’d been quiet for a few minutes after,
“I can hear it, the pain in your voice. It makes me sad because all I see is someone who’s amazing. Funny, cute, definitely my first choice as a duo partner from now on. She didn’t deserve you, that’s why it was hard. You loved her fully and she didn’t see that. Put yourself first, and I promise I’ll be here no matter what. You will recover from it, someone who destroys your self love and they let their love destroy you, that isn’t the place to be.
Now let’s go to bed, I can’t wait to game with you tomorrow sleepyhead”
Never did I expect that someone would be so understanding and caring.
Until her.
And when I didn’t see it coming, when I accepted that I’m no longer worthy of love.
Now I finally can breathe a little more and sleep sounder.

‘Have a little faith in me’ plays softly in the background as we dance under our night sky.
The clock strikes 12, fireworks all throughout the city welcome in a new year.
As we share our first New Years kiss together,
This moment frozen in time with full realization that we would never have to feel the same hurt from those who we were with just a year before.
No more false I love yous, no more half effort.
No worry of jealousy or anger, immaturity.
The beautiful moment signifying something new, safe and free.
-
Today we play ‘Have a Little Faith In Me’ and I love seeing you smiling,
It’s full of hope and excitement.
Making snow angels in the backyard or snowboarding at the resort.
Snow ball fights and sledding.
Gaming all night or binge watching Greys Anatomy,
Marvel vs DC comparisons, taking our pups Daeny and Brady on hikes.
Life is good finally
Finally we can be who we are,
With no one to hold us back from becoming who we are meant to be.

It’s strange seeing all of my high school friends who were in JROTC with me,
They all joined the military and are leading amazing lives.
I often think about what could’ve happened if I didn’t have to drop out and work.
I’d probably be living my life, I would’ve graduated and joined.
Maybe then everything would’ve been better.
Now I just gotta work harder to catch up

She doesn’t know,
I have to hurt myself everytime I feel happy.
She doesn’t know that the girl before I’ve protected.
I told the other girl it was okay everytime she hurt me.
I have to protect her from the dark reality of you can’t even be really happy.
Even if you are…
You’re just never enough.
For anyone.
Even the girl who smiles so gently, who bought a plane ticket when your job called saying you hurt your back and you’re on your way to hospital.
You can’t and you’re willing to let her go because you are nothing compared to what she deserves.
You’re nothing.
No one.
What matters is you make enough money and you are able to take care of everyone it doesn’t matter how hard or how long you work
No one knows
no one cares.
You can’t do anything without your back.
So don’t get anyones hopes up.
So you break their hearts,
Because you can’t tell them you love them so much that you have to.

Honestly I didn’t plan for this to happen but I’m glad you’re here.
I met you last summer after I’d gone through the worst breakup I’ve ever had.
And here you are again,
It can’t be anything more than coincidence right?
Never thought I’d find you again. Or you find me.
Guess I gotta move to England sometime haha

I feel as if my time is near its end.
Premonitions haunt my mind as it also drains my soul.
I’ve lived through many instances where either I should’ve died or that I did and someone or something always brought me back.
Repeated pressure on my chest,
Forcing air into my lungs.
No one ever tells you how much it hurts when you finally inhale that deep exhausting and painful breath.
How your eyes are watery and burn.
Your chest feels like it’s been crushed.
Your throat is drier than the Gobi desert.
Then everything else hurts,
Your head pounds for a while.
Everything is laggy vision wise.
Hearing is echoey.
Or another thing,
The electrical shock to your chest.
You wake up tingly.
Same painful breaths and all of the above,
Just add tingly.
Like your entire body was nerve wise asleep and it’s all tingly.
-
Every time I’ve come back I feel less.
This last time I came back she was still punching my face.
Couldn’t see out of my right eye,
My neck felt like barbed wire was wrapped around it and rubbed it raw.
The aftermath of her choking the life out of me.
And for what?
Unresolved issues that she never spoke of to any of her family,
Yet takes every aggression out on me.
The one person who would never hit her,
And just let her do it.

There is no one to hear my pain
And I am only to Blame
I accept the undying honesty that I have only myself to blame
So thunder cracks
And I bid my last farewell

Todays the day everyone decided to have their mental breakdowns.
My mother trashed the house,
My ex blames me for messaging her off random numbers & lost her cat.
My former best friend could be headed to the mental hospital.
Another family member is in the psych ward,
My father nearly wrecked my truck.
My neighbors argued and the result was a busted windshield.
My aunt is filing for divorce after her meltdown.
And ironically I woke up thinking today would be a good day.
All these people have something in common that I find a little funny,
They’ve all told me the same thing.
That when I broke down or when I was hurting I was just being dramatic or they ignored me.
Belittled me, used my past against me, completely degraded me for breaking down.
Or laughed when I cried, smiled when I would say that I couldn’t do it anymore.
And most of them were practically begging for comfort yet I have none to give.
And I warned them all the same,
That I felt it depleting more and more.
So now it’s my turn to laugh and smile.
Enjoy the villain you created
While I enjoy your pain as you’ve enjoyed mine

In the midst of darkness,
Her soft voice quiets my tormented soul.
There’s no judgement, no belittling.
Instead she noticed I wasn’t doing the things I loved,
Her first response was to check on me.
And stayed on the phone as long as we could.
Saying goodnight back and forth,
Everytime getting a little quieter and softer.
Her little laugh and smile.
While the world pushes me to use anger and become the very villain I’ve wanted to escape from.
She only asks that I take a breath and rest.
My niece, her mom (my sister) and cousin all know her now, she wasn’t afraid to get to know them.
Now she knows how much they mean to me and I to them.
She met my family up north, and wants to meet my parents.
She’s gentle and kind.
It’s easy to talk to her,
It’s new.
There’s no pressure only encouragement that goes both ways.
I can’t wait to see what’s in store for us,
And I love every moment I spend with her.

I had good intentions. But I’ll always be the *******.
Even when it hurts it’s okay
Whatever you need

Creating the perfect wedding was only possible being inspired by you.
The details have you hidden in between and all they could say was it’s perfect.

By all the gods I will hate.
I will hate you.
Twisted and blinded by whatever you fill your head with,
I came with offers of more than just the mundane.
And met with conflict and strife.
True I was becoming better than I thought possible,
Yet now after months of torment and being lied to.
I have no more to give you.
You have won what you’ve always wanted when you were drunk and oblivious.
I will hate you till I long gone.
Pray you made the right choice

Isn’t it cruel and profoundly interesting that in the end you play your game with others feelings.
That once again you think yourself innocent while  this whole time I was blind.
Things you want your way and if not you destroy that person.
What kind of a monster did I fall in love with.

I learned that all along I was trying to be happy,
And that in the end none of them ever cared.
How could they?
I gave them the dagger hoping that they saw it was a sign of trust…
and yet instead they plunged it deep.
Now happiness is a fairytale.
Love is a cruel trick.
And I am left completely and utter numb.

She always wondering if I was just trying to be her friend because I wanted to get back together with her,
Actually they all thought that.
The truth was I felt bad for her,
When she’d call drunk as hell after they argued.
After she would tell him that she loved me and worse.
The truth is how could I ever be with someone who made me feel horrible about myself everyday.
Who always thought everything I do is never enough,
With someone who’s draining,
Mentally physically and emotionally.
Who’s very existence is selfish because no matter what you do for that person they will always find fault with you.
How could I be with someone like that?
Someone who said they loved me, lying through their smile.
Who said they’d always support me or how much they care.
When really it was only if it was convenient for them.
That happened to be never,
I was never important enough or good enough.
When in reality I was the one who didn’t deserve any of it.

“Hey you’ve been distant today, btw I swung by your aunts and your sisters today said hey, they said they miss you. Also yes I posted a pic to Snapchat for the first time in awhile cuz didn’t want you to forget my goofy *** face. I’ll bug ya later. I love you”
It’s the little things that make the difference,
She understands that I’m working on getting my GED and hopefully a good job before I join the military.
Idk she’s different, no rush and no worries.
Just understanding and patience,
It’s something new

Losing your identity because the one you love and that “loves” you takes a bigger toll than you think.
At first Della presented herself as supportive,
Come to find out once again silenced.
I put my head down hoping to lessen the vibes in the room.
Never really got to speak my mind, share my views.
Always met with the disregard,
The instantaneous change of subject.
Luckily now I am able to speak freely,
Now I am with someone who is interested and open to learning more.
Trust me I talk a lot especially when I’m excited :)
It’s refreshing to be able to be proud of who I am and where I come from without the belittling by someone who said they love me

Truly I must’ve been born with greatness,
Or so I believed.
Now I see…
I shake the very world,
The truth comes to light.
Hated by many because I am not afraid to speak my mind about their silver tongues two faces and back stabbings.
Oh gods,
Pray that I will never become truly a monster

Life is full of triggers.
Everyday I get sent back to the fire.
Everyday at some point I am back in the fight or flight mode.
Life is dangerous.
Love is dangerous.
Yet I also remember that I started moving when I could’ve stayed frozen in that moment.
I could’ve stayed still and prayed someone else would’ve helped me.
Instead I chose to move, I chose to find a way out.
I chose to pull myself and her out.
I chose to keep going.
Even when everything started to hurt physically, emotionally, mentally.
When the adrenaline started to wear off on that hospital bed and all I could hear was the echoing roaring flames and popping, the explosions.
And the beeping of the heart monitor skyrocketing.
The moment I saw my sister and the look on her face, I collapsed into her arms and she held me.
I broke down like never before,
In that moment I was vulnerable.
Exposed.
Yet all I felt was love and comfort.
Even to this day I call or my sister checks in and I know there’s a reason I moved.
There’s a reason every single doctor, police officer and firefighter kept telling me over and over that I did something.
I saved someone.
I moved quick and I did everything right.
My aunt telling me that she can’t wait to see how I use my “gift” for something good and great.
How everyone always told me before that my ADHD was something annoying or bad or that I will always be a bother.
I learned that it’s helpful.
I processed everything in my head,
Staying in that van and hoping someone else gets us,
Staying and just accepting that this is it.
Or moving.
“Gotta move. Gotta get us out. We gotta go home. How do we get home.”
In the end,
It was terrifying, it still haunts me.
The pictures and videos are nothing compared to how it was.
They don’t show exactly what it was.
The reality was so much worse.

I remember parts of my childhood,
Like how I could learn everything in my lessons fast & wanted to learn the entire book instead of stopping at the days lesson.
I remember realizing I liked listening to music because the world was so loud, I carried a CD player when I’d go grocery shopping with my parents.
I memorized everything, I could almost watch entire movies in my head my mother would tell me later that I was always zoned out.
I remember the screaming, arguments over bills and previous girlfriends or boyfriends my parents had before they got married.
Which is why I liked watching movies with the tv turned up loud, or having those cheap over the ear headphones on and my CD player.
I was 5.
By the time I was 12 I had been to more funerals of people I didn’t really know,
During this time I would have nightmares about a man wrapped in barbed wire thrown from a car, that was my uncle who died drunk cruising with his friends (this was actually my very first memory)
or the blood on the tree and in the sand. The police lights illuminating the night sky of my grandmothers house, one of the family members that lived in the house next to my grandmothers had killed the other, again drinking led to a stabbing.
Not to mention that the guy that got stabbed his wife ended up drinking herself to death too,
My last memory of her being alive was seeing her with yellow skin and eyes running into the target bathroom and throwing up in the first stall, to this day I still don’t even go near that stall.
Their kids, now orphans came to live with us.
That was another horror show in of itself.
They were demented kids, perverted and sexually abused.
The oldest boy actually sexually abused me in the back room and in my room of my once safe home, it happened a total of 17 times.
We’d go to the therapist every week for them and I’d read the pamphlets.
I even tried asking for help from my mother and even that therapist,
They all laughed and made me feel like I was crazy because kids don’t do those things to other kids.
So I learned to live with a mask,
Eventually those kids all left to be with their family who finally realized that if they claim kids they get more back on their tax returns.
When they left it should’ve been a relief,
It wasn’t.
Once again I tried to tell my mother what I went through,
I was hollow inside I didn’t know how to feel anymore I needed help…
She brushed me off and said nothing was wrong with me that I was fine.
Little did she know that i probably would’ve been a better person if she’d just listened and got me the help I needed.
Because ever since the childhood I never had, which what I’m writing is the only things I can remember the rest is a blur I just know it hurt alot,
I have never known what happiness or even any feeling other than anger or resentment felt like.
Honestly I still don’t.