You haven’t seen the 2 AM me.
The one whose unfiltered, real and has no concept of time in those hours
Meaning when everything is quiet.
No one is up at 2 AM
I'm wanting to pack up and go on a random nightly road trip blasting songs at high volume and singing.
just for the heck of it
But also you haven’t seen my ‘’ I’m tired expression ‘’
when I’m drained beyond belief
From trying to pull off the all-nighters
When I'm fighting off sleep
not wanting to give in to sleep
But eventually you’ll learn what time I'll start talking sleepily in my sleepy haze
Oh, the sleepy haze tends to make me honest.
for when those hours are nicknamed sleepy hours
as the sun goes down
I tend to be more honest.
During those hours I'll end up spilling some thoughts that I wouldn’t have the courage to say when the sun is up.

I think about what I went through
I didn't deserve any of it
The fact that you were supposed to love me and said I care about you
But let's skip past the I love you' s what you put me through all those years ago / months
Let's focus on the fact that I still can't speak about it and when I do I weep until I'm so overcome with sadness and anger
That it makes me upset at myself
I know it wasn't my fault
But you kept putting me through so much that I rather not go into detail about it
But this is what I still can't fathom
How can you sleep at night
Knowing you hurt me so deeply
To the point where whenever I speak your name
It feels like poison on my tongue
And I'm reminded of why I resent you
My love for you died
when I realized that the one closest to you will hurt you and take joy in doing so
You taught me from a young age
The empty feelings and promises
But most importantly
You were the first one who messed up my trust

Commitment
That word alone scares me
Because I've had to deal with people
Abandoning me , leaving me
Having me pick up my broken pieces on my own
So thought of someone staying
Confuses me because they say '' I'll stay ''
But every single time like clockwork
Suddenly it turns into silently leaving me and
Abandoning me out of no where
So yes the word and actual commitment
scares me to the point where I am the one
to leave first to spare myself the hurt
And of course from what I've seen
everyone says they will stay but in reality
once one is vulnerable and shows someone all the reasons
not to stay along with the brokenness
that is their past
Of course they all leave
That's what I deserve / All I'm used to  
So why should I expect you to stay
Back it up with your actions
- excerpt from a book I'll never write

Part of me wants to try again.
But the other rational side of me is like you’ve got a lot of healing to do.
it’ll take a long time but you’ll get there in due time so don’t rush.
So I don’t rush
taking it day by day
Simply observing
But I can’t help but fear of getting hurt again.
And the way certain words rolled off your tongue so easily
It frightened me.

Only because we barely know each other.  
I don’t know your likes and dislikes in general
Or anything else related to get to know each other
The unspoken moment of being vulnerable with each other frightens me to no end
Only because the thought of doing the same cycle again and again
Makes me want to run and not do this again
But then there’s that 1% of me thinking
what if this one time around you don't get hurt and your happy
The pattern ends and is destroyed forever.
Unspoken topics such as one’s past is filed under things that may or may not be talked about
Personally for me it’s one of those things that won’t be told to anyone
Even if we reach that point of closeness to where I can trust you
Whose to say you won’t leave me suddenly and out of no where
But the point is.
I might take a chance and try again.
But then again I might not and leave it at a simple hello
Walking out of your life
not by choice but because I’m going to be going through another life changing event - Graduation.
We’re going to be at two different stages in our lives.
But I’ll simply observe and continue doing what I’ve been doing.

It hits me mostly when I let the quietness in for too long.
the way I’m trying to distract myself from this heartbreak but it only works for so long until I’m forced back into the reality that is no longer us anymore
I wanted it so badly to work out between us.
I yearned for it all to be a dream almost like a cruel joke that someone had played on me.
I knew it wasn’t when I kept crying for nights on end.
I feel like my heart has harden because this heartbreak.
I’m trying to have energy when it comes to doing the things I enjoy.
But it seems like my emotional level/energy level is stuck at 1%
My emotional level as far as vulnerability goes is turned to ashes, destroyed and tired
Mostly worn and tired, though
Love isn’t supposed to have me crying.
Love isn’t being led on.
but most importantly it isn’t being caught up in your words oh wait
I already was from start to finish.
The I love you's  and I love you forever in French.
Who knew forever in your eyes meant temporary.
not forever
oh the dreams of moving in with you
that’s what stings the most about this whole entire ordeal
and toss in the fact that I might  still have feelings for you even though you hurt me.

9:37PM
2/13/18
13
I think it's my unlucky number.
A number that has only brought me pain, sadness and anger
Before you write this off as everyone has unlucky numbers
What's so different about your case that your trying to present
Let me explain.
You see I've noticed a pattern throughout the months.
it seems that every time the number 13 rolls around.
No matter what the starting number is date wise
Irrelevant  is the first number.
But if it ends with 13
Oh no rolls off my tongue so naturally
Because the first time 13 rolled around
It was lucky for a while.
But then just like milk when it sours
It ran it's course.
The pain I was left with hurt me was
deeper than I could write about.
The second time I thought oh it's a coincidence
I was utterly hopelessly wrong.
It seemed like the number 13
was like a wasp stinging
Never stopping until the pain was a numbing type of pain.
One you'd want to escape from
I'm skipping a few 3 and 4ths just to say.
It completely slipped my mind.
On why I have my reasons that I hate 13 date wise
No matter the time
Or the year
It's like a reminder that you don't wanna face.
But this time has got me afraid and scared
That the number 13 will prevail
I'll end up hurting way worse than what happened before
The way the cards are playing out
makes my anxiety go way past the roof or the stars
Because this is how I got hurt the last time around
I was an experiment.
It hurt to know I was used.
But I managed to suppress it
Then later on realized my worth and walked away
Now fast forward a couple of months.
And it seems that oh familiar fear has returned.
It never truly left but was suppressed.
The fear is simply being left and lead on.
disregarding my feelings
The reason why I hate 13 is simple
bad memories mixed in with hurting

1/8/18
6:53 PM
You didn’t have to verbalize the fact that you were leaving me.
It’s like I had a feeling that something was wrong
Everything had been fine one minute.
Then the next you sent me a paragraph
Word for word explaining your feelings and how you really felt towards me
I’ll never forget how you honestly truly hurt me emotionally.
by saying some of the things you said
One thing that hurt me the most was how you truly never cared about me
Only telling me what you thought would soothe my questioning
Distracting me from the real issue which was that I was used
Effortlessly and without a care in the word
You truly played me like a fiddle.
I think my favorite lie that you told to me.
is how you wanted to meet me offline
Let’s be realistic  for a minute.
It wasn’t going to happen.
I wanted it so badly to happen.
But in a way I was glad that it didn’t when I realized how much you used me
Why would I want to be with someone who truly didn’t accept me for me?
During the time that it all occurred
I thought I was upset and sad knowing that we never worked out.
looking back I’m so glad that It didn’t
You are one of the many lessons in life.
one out of many
Teaching me not to trust
- when I think about how you hurt me