When someone asked me why I did a certain thing
If anything it reminded me of the past
and of you for a split second
I quickly changed topics in order to avoid me from wanting to talk about you.
But when she kept persisting and kept asking.
I almost wanted to cry right then and there but then I reminded myself of how strong I was.
How even though you hurt me emotionally by stringing me along.
telling me empty words with zero meaning now looking back at it
But at the time oh how I wanted half of the words that you told me to come true
I wanted to meet you for the first time.
See you offline.
But then when I self-reflected
Was when I realized how the way I acted back then
vowed never again would I let myself be swayed by pretty words
Promising me things until it wasn't what you wanted anymore

As I drove around my old neighborhood, I was remising about my childhood.
The memories that I love and I’ll always cherish with you.
One sees a regular house verses me who looks at the house with pride and longing to go to my childhood room.
But then again I would get choked up crying and wishing that you were with me
wishing that I could see you again
Hug you again.
I miss you a lot and I hope you’re proud of me.
You’ll always be talked about so highly and don’t forget how much I love you
no matter where I go
I’ll always think about our memories together.
no one can take those away from me

I remember when I wasn't so cold as ice.
Emotionally I was more open to the possibility of vulnerability.
But then you came along and changed me
Before I was so open.
Now only a shadow of my former self
My eyes that shined with  ember and hope
Now are dull and tired
The love that I had felt for you
Once
Now is crumbled up like a piece of paper
Fire, passion and intensity  
are gone just like the autumn leaves in the fall
Wondering where to go from here

I know it may sting at first
After all, it took a long time for me to leave you
Even though I wasn't involved with you on a physical level
Emotionally that was a different story.
The way I kept holding onto you resembled a vine that was in tangled with itself
Mixed with red roses
In addition to the feeling of trying to let you go
When I attempted to time and time again
It proved to be nothing and no use as one would say.
I did try to detach from you.
I tried and tried.
Until the roses poked me
Endlessly with the thorns
So then I gave up
Let the thorns stay.
And questioned why it was so hard to let go
Maybe that's when the roses fell off me & the thorns took a long time to dissolve into the truth that is our past.
But when I'm healed, I know you'll be tempted to find me again and love me in the only way you know how.
Soft at first then making me question why I left you
But I already know my answer.
If you didn't realize what you had in the first place

Then don't question why I hold you at arm's length.
I'm the girl who you lose in your life to make you realize what you had and that you should've cherished the first time around rather than finally realizing it after I've already left you.
- The one who leaves

1/29/18
Never warned me about how to
cope with someone who walks away from everything.
Including friendships
All my life
I've known how to give myself to the people who only wanted what they wanted.
Just to leave me
It's almost as if the I love you's that fell from their lips
Almost held me together
But when they left.
It came back full circle.
Until the heartache
Made me want to run into someone else's arms just so they could hold me for a while
But how could I know that they wouldn't leave me?
I wanted comfort, but I was afraid to say what was threating to fall from my lips.
You'll figure it out in a months time after I've left.
- My inner thoughts // Words I'll never say out loud

2/2/18
I used to be full of energy.
Vibrant
always opens the door to vulnerability
And at one point I was so willing to let people in
But then my past happened
Left wounds that will never heal
Sometimes I'll be unresponsive and distant emotionally.
Certain points I'll try not to show
How my past still affects me
I don't push you away because I don't love you.
I push you away out of habit.
The one's who promised not to leave
Once they saw my past.
lied and left me emotionless and jaded

The angry fire that is within me
I'm trying to quieten it down
But it's no use
I knew I was hurting when music couldn't ease my pain today
And it felt surreal almost like the clouds kept looming over my head
It felt like I was dragging myself along
I promise I was paying attention if the teacher asks around wondering if I was paying attention
But at the same time not a day before we had a powerpoint
going into a little bit of detail about the signs of depression and the symptoms of mental disorders as well as emotional
When it got to one slide
All I could think was you don't have to go on and on about the signs of one thing
Trust me my life experiences can vouch for me
I know more about this subject than I ever wanted to know in the first place  
All I could think was I'm drained and tired emotionally from this
I needed a distraction so I settled for drawing
When in reality I thought I know heartbreak all too well
sure enough, I didn't show the signs of sadness when it was spoken out loud the signs
My friends know the truth
Teachers don't
As if I'm going to open up to one of them and tell them a sob story of how I am heartbroken  once again
I know they are there to comfort other people in times of need
Hurting etc.
But I rather let no one know about my heartbreak
except for my inner circle and that's it