You think you're the only one who's lying?
The only one who's pretending to smile?
The only one who's dying?
The only one who walks into a room & feels so alone?
The only one who's heartache kills them,
And they deal with it on their own?
I remember every kiss,
Every touch,
The forbiddenness,
Of every moment that we spent,
Memorizing each other's skin.
And now you look right through me,
And I smile the same old smile,
While you go on with your life
Destroying yourself inside
And I'm standing here waiting for you to realize,
Slowly killing the burning fire in my eyes.
I waited too long,
And now you don't care...
Best friends, yea, ok...
I'll pretend it's enough.
Try to make it through the day.
You're not the only one who's lying,
The only one who's pretending to smile,
The only one who's dying.
Look at me.
Just really look.

Don't come into my heart.
Don't come into my mind.
Don't come into my soul.
For there's nothing to find.
Let me be, Let me die.
Leave me alone to cry.
I need some time, space, and grace
To let these tears dry on my face.
But wait until then, don't come near.
Stay far, FAR, away from here.

You used to say you loved the fire in my eyes,
The light in my soul,
The passion in my life.
I used to love the way you smiled,
The way you held me,
So close and so tight.
It couldn't all just be lies,
So I tore down all the walls blocking my heart,
And I let you inside.
The rhythm of your voice kept me hypnotized,
And I fell into the deep abyss of you.
Now the reason why I laughed,
And the reason why I cried myself to sleep at night,
I was your sweet sacrifice.
And now every time I watch you walk away,
A little bit of the fire in my eyes,
Slowly and surely,
Dies. away.

Their names leave your lips and your heart starts to beat,
They fill your lungs with life as you speak,
Your heart is home to many loves that you keep,
But you have too big a heart.

Her sweet British accent made your mouth water,
Her flowing blond hair, you would have wished for your daughter,
The ones who hurt her you wanted to slaughter,
But you have to big a heart.

His warm hugs healed your soul and dried all your tears,
You counted his freckles as you both shared your fears,
He had been there for you through all of the years,
But you have too big a heart.

Her smell was addicting and her lips were so soft,
Her light olive complexion sent your heart aloft,
You traced her skin as her laugh would waft,
But you have too big a heart.

Her shy, gentle nature made you want to know more,
She guarded her heart behind a locked door,
But she melted away as you made love on the floor,
But you have too big a heart.

You loved him as her, and you love him as him,
You jumped in this pool, though you knew not how to swim,
Before his love, all of life seemed grim,
But you have too big a heart.

Night by night, you give and give,
Your heart dissolves, and you struggle to live,
You love so many, And love so strong,
Yet you know that this love is wrong.
The guilt, it builds and breaks you down,
In this depression you begin to drown.
Monogamy tears your soul apart,
All because you have too big a heart.

Pop
Push
Use
Snort
Smoke
Shoot up.
Pass out and repeat.

Cut
Burn
Bleed
Bruise
Scab
Scar.
Cover up and repeat.

Starve
Binge
Puke
Weigh
Work
Weigh
Don’t eat and repeat.

Lie
Scream
Cry
Plead
Hide
Run
Give up. No repeats.

I want to cut.

I need to cut.

I miss cutting. 

I miss the scars. 

I miss the voices. 

I miss the deep spiraling depression.

I miss feeling out of control.

I miss feeling. 

Why do I miss being sick?

I thought I would be happy when I wasn’t depressed anymore, but now all I feel is emptiness. 

Where feelings of fear, anxiety, and sadness used to live, empty space echoes revealing what is lost.

I miss it all.
And I know I shouldn’t.

But living in denial is my safe haven. 
If I wake up, then I would have to face reality… And in that, I would have to face the fact that I’m not ok.