Sun rises
A trusted knight
While mother moon falls

Weeping
For burned out children
Who still

Pinprick the sky

I have this shard of glass
Safely tucked into my wrist
My blood runs over it washing it clean
I see my grave in it whenever I'm sad sometimes
A curved opaque headstone
"Here lies dearly beloved"
The dirt freshy tilled with my tears
The stone shiny and whitewashed
Red streaks down the back
Sometimes I take out the shard
And I flit it between my fingers
The blood oozing down my arm
Liquid coating my pants
And when I slide the shard back in
The blood dries
The world stops spinning
And I can breathe evenly
Except I can't see my future anymore

She told him
That she had a timer
That her story would be short lived
"I don't have enough pages for you to read"
He said that was fine
Some of the best stories are always short lived and end in cliffhangers
A signed contract
Two agreements
Willing participants
It's been fifty six days
He's watched the ink
Encircling her wrists
Oxidizing
Black flaking off
Skin growing more sallow
Edges looking as if they've curled in
Brittle
Brown with age
She told him
He wouldn't have enough pages to read
Less is more
He silently thought
The book closes

Hoarfrost clinging delicately
To the flower
That it oh so loves
The flower begrudgingly
Accepts its biting cold embrace
Petals stiffly turning up in euphoria
Realizing that its life is being leeched away
But it still smiles
Because the colder the hoarfrost gets
The happier it is
And that's all that matters to the Flower
Its happiness
This is only a part of love
An innocently toxic love
Coaxingly sweet
Forbiddingly in love
And preserved in eternity
Because even with its last breath
The hoarfrost
Will still maintain and keep its beauty
Forever to be admired and worshipped
Daintily beautiful

I've  been spending my nights
Sipping whiskey tainted delights
Weaving together loose threads
I bet that if we dusted my heart
We would only find your finger prints
Finger prints
No indentions
No cave ins
Like you were trying to hold onto it
For fear of losing it when it tried to walk away from you
If you splayed your hands out
You would be able to find my heart beat
Stretching across the first two lines
That join when you put your hands side to side
You can see how it speeds up when I hear your laugh
You can see how it slows down when I think something might be off with you
You could see how it speeds up when I think about your eyes
Writing is the finest paintbrush
That I could ever use to try and impress you
Words sealing seamlessly together
The vibrancy from them mesmerizing you
Convincing you that maybe
Just maybe this once
I'm worth wasting your time on
And staying with for just a bit longer
Along this waltz
Of a waning summer's eve
A speckled splash of falling red
Emerald green joining in the dance
Gold leaf gilding your laugh
Droplets of gray underlining your smile
Only flaking when a saturnine willow weeps
Just for that smile to come back out
The gilded joy of your laughter
Echoing through
Crimson fades
Blue delays
And I find
I get to be stuck here with you
Except I'm not stuck here
I'm happy to be here

Twisted veins
Monstrosities
Horrors around the corner
Of this chipped maze
Filled with gaudy roots
Smiles towed down by fish hooks
Skin ripping
Almost like Swiss cheese
Eyelids sag down
Flesh stretches
Clothes shrink
Feeling smaller
Breakable
Fragile
Delicate
A glass castle
Fractures that spread from a raised voice
Poised dagger
Over a beating vessel
A knife in their throat
Frayed fiber
What happens
When another octave is raised?

I find it
Ironic
The weight of silence

Still presses
Heavily upon one
In a room full of noise

While whitewashed walls
Stand firm
Keepers of every octave

That weight
Is sadness

One day
He Will stop loving me
The looks of love
Will turn to annoyance
My laugh will cause a grimace

My presence echoing
Off the dismal decayed corridors
I have not prepared
The egg in my chest for this

I've  never known how to

I've tried

But it's been like a lighting bug
That flew too far out of my reach
But at least it still has a light
I haven't broken the cement around the habits we've made

Tonight I've wondered if I should
Fingers
Crooking
With holding a last text
To a completely different person

Unsteady heart beats
I thought
For a second
That I had lost that familiar friend

Pallid

Gray

A knowing smile

Here I lay
Lay me down to sleep

We stay awhile
Staring at each other
Nerve endings tingling
Through our brushed finger tips

A small smile
I haven't forgotten
This feeling after all
It hasn't forgotten

A small bloom
Forms on  lips
As quick as it appeared
It's gone with another tear

He grabbed the moon as the stars screamed
They reached out and were tired of the never ending always returning ball of light in the sky. They wanted their nights to just be dark. Pitchless. A night steeped in silence. In darkness. Because that’s what they fed on. The different undertones of grey's swiftly carrying them to the welcoming velvet of black. The kiss of night. Except. There’s always that cursed
thing that rises. The blackness scattering back from it in waves. Receding from a shore that it once used to own. They grimaced. And wished that for once they could grab the moon and vanquish it. They got curious. Finding themselves reaching out before they could really truly do anything about it. They didn’t want to stop. They expected nothing to come of it so when their fingers felt this… Suction feeling. As if the circulation was cut off. And saw how their hand went through something like there was a divide between the land of air and the empty void of space. The home of this pesky pale thing. They froze. For once their façade of stone and cold broke. And they found that a well of curiosity was flooding them. Crumbling through walls that had been parched from a wave of desert heat. They twisted their hand. Trying to make some reason. Some cause for this to happen. But they could find none. And instead of feeling fear about what they were doing. They held the confidence of a honed swordsman. Knowing that they were set in their skill. He grimaced. And smiled. Casually brushing his hand against the face of the moon. He wasn’t startled that he could reach it. Or shocked. The shock came from the voices that filtered in through the gap his hand created. Thousands upon thousands of melodious screams floated through it. But he could never find the source. Which puzzled him to no end. So when the last pure note floated through the gap. He found himself sitting there in silence like what could I do now. “Take that pesky thing and welcome the dark”. Floated through his mind from a rich deep voice. Motivating his hand to do his bidding. As he firmly grabbed the edge of the round pale light source. The screaming resumed. As if the stars were pleading for their king not to be taken. But he didn’t let that stop him. He pulled through. Adding in his other hand until the gap started getting wider. And the space between earth and the voidless kingdom opened. The stars getting louder growing brighter with all of their voices. As if they were notes being played too high. Strings being too taut. But with one final tug. The moon came into his realm. The shadows flooded over it. Securing it to the ground. And spinning around the boy. Bowing to him. Rising up and kissing his shoulders and his hair. Leaving a crown and flowing despair stained cloak of darkness. The stars were still screaming though. At the sight of their precious moon being taken. Taken into an unknown but watched over land. It was wrong. It was so wrong and unnatural. It belonged in the sky. Safe. loved. Cherished.

He grabbed the moon as the stars screamed

Frost.

It curls around the edges of my pupils encircling them like a newly fallen coat of snow…. My body gave in a long time ago to the bittersweet numbing cold I remember the day it happened. I often do. It started at my foot I thought a soak in the tub would make it go away. But instead it spread through the water. Freezing that too, and it just kept moving up. Up. Up. Until it reached my stomach I wasn't afraid as I looked down at the shining blue white material. As it crept up to my throat gentle. Soothing but still a bit stinging. I wonder what I had done to make it even appear and as it crowns my eyes like a newly minted king and queen. I still haven't found the answer.

Hi! Nice to meet you.. Oh I’m sorry you look confused. Or am I confused? Or are we just both confused? Oh I was supposed to be introducing myself I’m your anxiety… I’m the reason that causes your confidence to flake apart I wrap myself around you like an overly comfy turtleneck. It’s a shame you always get so confident and I’m sorry but I can never help myself it’s like a board game with you. You move three steps forward you can actually speak to the person who’s taking your order at the drive through. You don’t stutter and oh I’m so proud of you. You’re concise and easy to understand… And I let you have these small confidence boosters. They make you so happy and your eyes light up and you get that stupidly adorable smile on your face.. And I’m sorry I am but it’s so fun to slowly come back and chip away at the progress you’ve made. I know when I do it starts small you fumble a word in a sentence and have to repeat or you just completely **** it up and then you start caving in on yourself. Trying so hard to blend in and be normal, but baby we’ve been at this for a while now. You can’t be normal not when it's with me. I trail your steps reminding you about the stray hair that keeps falling out from behind your ear. And what if someone noticed and they said something. I know you’ve never been good with strangers you never approach them. And when they approach you you’re just so small and shy hating yourself because you just can’t speak. I’ve given you everything to do so your trembling hands your frail voice. The slight heat creeping across your cheek bones. And I can’t stand it. It makes me insane when you roll your shoulders forward as if that can honestly save you. I’ve given you time I’ve given you space. Admittedly I also gave you false hope and happiness but dear. I’m honestly hurt how could you ever think I was actually gone? Like I would actually ever leave you alone? I’ve become so attached can’t you see that? I can. When I feel your heart rate go up and see the thoughts in your mind racing. Your fingers are so delicate always trying to pick up the pieces. But you know you can’t not when they shake so much each piece just breaks after it slips through your fingertips. Part of me wants to tell you to stop trying but I delight in watching you too much. But that’s not healthy right? I’m supposed to be supportive but we both know I’ve never been that type. We both know this has never been supportive or healthy. You keep going on and smiling using humor as a crutch. The only time your hands are steady is when you pull out one of your masks and that makes my day which one is it going to be now? The stone cold *****? The “strong” silent type? Or will it be the one that I gave you when we first graced the dance floor together? The one that you fasten over your head and put your hair up behind. While you’re silently hoping that no one notices you. Or is it the one that only shows the truth in those brown eyes of yours? While I take the strings that command your mouth and pull it up into a smile. Your spine bends to my will like a horse broken to the bit and you straighten. Tall falsely proud and it’s the best secret ever. Only between us. Maybe I’m sadistic but I’ve always been able to feel you curl into yourself even when I don’t let you… And no one would know not unless they looked into your eyes. But I know they won’t, you know they won’t. Because you never make eye contact with anyone. Your skittishness is like a free fall with no end. Our whole relationship has been like a dance with no end. I stay pristine guiding you twirling you across the floor watching as your dress flares out around you. An insecurity or a flaw flying off with each turn. Each dance. Each smile I can see your heart bleeding, your feet stumbling over each other. You’re always falling and I can’t help but feel obliged to catch you. Even though. I can always see that you’d rather fall… Because who wouldn’t? When each time I sweep you into my arms the dance starts over. The fun begins the cycle repeats. I build you up, I boost your confidence it's all me. You don’t want this I can see that… And… I almost feel bad for you. I almost find myself stopping. Letting you have a prolonged moment of peace frozen in ice.. But if I do that someone else may come along. And I’m sorry sweetie but ****** to hell I’m not going to lose my entertainment not when I’ve done this much work to get you like this. Hi nice to meet you. Oh I’m sorry you look confused. Or am I confused? Or are we both confused? Oh I was supposed to be introducing myself...

Often rather than not
We have been resting
Shovels patting earth

Locking  away unspoken deeds
For the specks of dirt know
Its time to ration air

Staving out
The most resilient
Packaging it away

To spot upon whom
Would  break stone first

Rescinding from whence it came
Curling back into joints

Pasting itself to the keys once more

Empty
That's what this feeling is
It's emptiness
I thought maybe if I put my ribcage under a microscope
I could find you somewhere in there
Like you never left
I can't find you
Empty
I can't even find my heart in here either
Nothing is here
But that's my fault
Silly me
Thinking that I was actually good enough for once
But that's when I noticed
That my ribs had turned black
Empty
I didn't think anything of it
Until I touched them
And ink came away
Staining my fingertips
Maybe if I could've kept you laughing
Or calling me a ******* for the stupid **** I'd do
Just to see that smile on your face
Empty
Empty
I'm empty the caverns of this cage
A  hollowed out stage
Where voices used to flow
Melodies swelling and cresting
Breaking into sweeter notes
Breaking into better days
Into better nights
Whiskey stopped whispering my name
Stopped pirouetting around me
Empty
My bed stopped calling
Not even it wanted to sleep with me
The sun stopped talking to me
The moon started hounding me
A sirens song on a lone wind
The stars only sweetened the deal
Of coming out at night
I saw my soul
Shiver out of my bones
I saw my body collapse
I saw the regrets glass over my eyes
I saw the mistakes creep over my skin
I watched them stiffen my body
A smile stretched over my corpses face
Filled to the brim with bursting
The insanity ripping from the seams
All of the things I held back from saying
To you
To other people
Searing across my bodies skin
Glowing brighter and brighter
All of these thoughts
All of these regrets
And yet
I was still
Empty
Even as the stars that had always been in my eyes
Finally kissed me goodbye
And winked out
I was still
Empty

I'm a sucker for brown eyes
But then again I always just loved
The thought of waking up to look into grave dirt
And not be buried securely under it for once
I'm also a sucker for blue eyes
Because I'll never be able to drown in them
Like I've just ever so slightly drowned in the sea
I mean it was just a little bit
Part of me thought it would be fun
I like Canada dry
So much so that I think
It may have actually taken over my body
Absorbed all of my blood
And now my heart
Which has unironically and uncoincidentally
Turned into a perfectly undented Canada dry can
My smile will blind you
Whenever I choose to do so
When a guy tells me I should smile more
I honestly only smile because
When his eyes fall upon it
They will shriek
Sprout arms
And shut his eyelids
But little did they know that it would be too late
Because they've already shriveled up
Turning to a fine layer of dust inside of their respected sockets
So yes I'll smile for you
I'm a siren walking
Who also just happens to be an opera singer
Just so I can replace the glasses that I shatter with your ear drums
I'm a lovely rose in the garden
The better replacement
Of snow whites poisoned apple
Admire my glimmering
Harmless beautiful petals
You don't notice that you're getting light headed
But that's alright
Because I get your last breath
That belongs to me as you inhale
My sickly sweet fumes
Heavier than the humidity in the air
As I sit
Sipping my peppermint tea
Reading your life
Like I read the pages of my book
Because I'm all about blue seas
And brown rays of sunshine
And did I mention?
I'm a sucker for a smug smile

Memories Are made of this
They're made out of things
That I had almost forgotten
That I was so close to forgetting
All of the cuts and scars
Gracing my gun battered heart
They were so close to fading
I've written a lot about this recently
I realize because
While my mind sits back
Looking at that obsidian corner of my heart
The one that refuses to let go and listen
To be smart
To actually get its **** together
It has refused to break
My mind is tired of trudging along pulled by that part
I write because this is the only way I can actually put it together
Like picking up the pieces of a broken vase
And getting cut
I just stare at the blood
Not really feeling the stinging kiss of it
It's just another thing that bodies do
Bleed
But I guess I'm just not used to seeing it on the outside
When its always on the inside
I've always been like this
Slowly able to forget
But still
Timidly refusing to do so
As I'm typing away
My keys providing a steady click
I look up
And through the curtains
Through the closed shades
I can see that the sun has come up again
Oh
I guess I did it again
Staying up again
Because my past would rather haunt my active conscious
Where I can't help but think about it
Instead of haunting my dreams
Maybe if my mind could feel as my heart did
Would it feel sympathy?

Without you
I'm empty
You see I never realized
How much of a constant factor
You had become in my life
Now I'm just hollow
Writers block doesn't even visit my bed anymore
I wish you'd come back soon
But with the outlook of today
It doesn't seem like it will happen
I'm going insane without you
I'm sorry I don't know how this happened
I should've taken better care of you
But then I remember that I did
You were spoiled
I loved everything about you
I'm sorry

Hands cup my face
Calloused warm
A scar on the left hand on the pointer finger
I kiss each palm
Thorns biting into my lips
Blood trickles down my chin
Over the crest of it
Down my neck
I sit in a lap
Another arm braced across my back
Mirrors staring at me that dance with humor
Ever changing
Safe
Warm
A heavy presence
Safe
Captive
I'd go as far as to say prisoner
But I can't I love it here
I finally found somewhere I belong
I'm content to be caged
I've never soared higher
Cerulean skies
I'm content to be shackled
Kisses chaining me down
A welcomed pressure beating in my heart
I'm the happiest captive ever
Forever loved
How can I not be ?

Sadness creaks through the crevices of my heart
Black
Slick
Oil
I'd been happy for a long while
So long in fact
I'd forgotten how it felt
I'd forgotten how it tasted
A bitter mellow felt coating my tongue
Unwanted red velvet
It shrivels from the world
Erasing itself from the history of spoken words
Vocal communication
My voice box and its chords disintegrate
Deeming me unworthy of speech
The order passed by my forgotten friend
Signed and decreed by my weary ears
Who are tired of hearing me talk
The muffled cries have turned into a broken record  
My mind has stopped printing
Because it's tired of reading my thoughts
Marking them down and making them semi permanent on paper
A Mache record spinning under my needle tongue
Cranking out dismal beats and notes
The morning dew deflates and turns to a mood ruining gray
The sun shines white
Colors run through my field of vision
As if somehow
They've got somewhere more important to be
Instead of bringing my life color
The necessary pop
The only excitement
And here I am hands splayed
Flabbergasted
Trying to convince these things
That are on the scientific spectrum
Of things that the human eye can see
That I'm worth letting me
See them
But even the crystal pale brown of my eyes
Seep through my skin
Just to turn into a glacier
Monochrome color

I woke up with stardust in my eyes
All I could see was your smile
I wonder if we both knew what would happen
You said it was a good idea so I followed you
You said everything would be fine nothing could go wrong
I laughed and followed along carefully walking the edges of your smile
Tracing your lips with my fingertips
Watching the sun cast rays over your head
I remember when you said it would be fun being on the run
We could walk on the edge of stars
We would see the past go by on a dying ray of a nebula
We would dip our fondest memories in infinity
Casting them in forever
I looked over a bitter smile on my face
I don't have any memories but if I could
I'd cast your smile in forever
If I could I'd dip your laugh in infinity
I'd mold the butterflies you gave me in amber
To keep their bodies from succumbing to the natural cycle of death
It wasn't supposed to happen like this
We were supposed to walk on the edge of the galaxy together
We were supposed to dance on the graves of our enemies
Casting memories into starlight
Finding untraveled paths
Take the road less traveled
Find unexpected adventures
Find ourselves
But now that I think about it
You wanted me to be happy
You were just distracting me
Trying to be the silver lining over this dreaded situation
So when I look up
At the stars as we sit on the edge of the moon
Defying the impossible
Breathing in the air from space
You tell me that it wasn't supposed to go this way
And I look over at you
As you fade into the velvety blackness
And I find myself alone
Sitting at the edge of space
Suddenly cold
I still have a bitter smile on my face
And if I could I would dip your smile in infinity
I'd cast your laugh in forever
And I would mold the butterflies you gave me into amber
Forever to be preserved

In out
That's the way the tide flows
In out
The sun goes down
In out
The stars come
In out
the moon shines
In out
I'm still here
In out
Floating upon this dark sea
In out
Moving with the tides
In out
I have no complaints
All I'm doing is floating after all
In out
I watch
In out
Day by day
In out
As the stars fade out
In out
The sun starts to come rising through the sky
In out
A bleak disc at first
In out
Burning away the buttery dew of morning
In out
I realize
In out
That I'm not floating on a sea
In out
I'm floating on everything that I've kept out
Out in
Everything that I haven't let myself feel
Out in
Everything that I've kept away
Out in
So I can help other people
Out in
I say I'm fine
Out in
I am fine
In out
Smile

I am in unending hell
Because it started with a kiss
And now I keep wondering how it ended up like this
But it never started with a kiss
Because I've never actually ******* kissed you
But then it did end up with just one **** look
ONE LOOK
And I accidentally tripped over my unlaced shoes
Except you can't lace up vans that don't have shoe laces to begin with
But I did end up tripping
Into your hazel colored eyes
Except they aren't hazel colored
Because I've seen
Silver
Blue
Dark blue
Green
And this weird really
Really
Really
Pale
Turquoise color
But no that's not really any justified way to do it
I don't do romantic poetry or
Even poetry but my point is
You didn't smile as much as you usually do and I pay attention to you so much
That I can hear the smile in your voice
But no really one look
And my whole family was crowded around my computer asking you questions
And forgetting that I existed and now that I look back
Because it didn't happen too long ago
My heart is actually constricting with each breath I take
This thing called crushes and love and liking someone
Is kinda confusing
My heart trips over its feet
My eyes get wider and brighter than a full moon
My fingers cramp
I asked you something once while playing a game
It was a really romantic setting
I think you were the shape and you were trying to stab me
So I started ******* around and flirting with you
Because I mean
I kinda thought
"If you're laughing too much you can't stab me and if you're flirting back you won't be focused on stabbing me."
You just really make me smile
And right now I've tried to write this smile down
First taking the corners of my lips
And sticking thumb tacks in them
Just to try and hold them down
To stop the stretching grin
And to stop my face from actually hurting
Because that's how much you make me smile
Thanks

P.S
I blame ALL of this on you.

Summer keeled over
A horse who's heart busted in its chest
Running a race that it was never going to finish

Maybe that's what I tried to do
Running a race
Before the days slipped through the asphalt cracks

I thought if I obtained the properties of tar I could still slow down the days
Knitting them together
Alas time always flew by when I heard you laugh

Now I look into the mouth of a dragon
Objects are always closer than they appear

I gaze into the gaping maw of this beast

My bones
They gently cave in
The surface meeting the bottom
Almost like the way your toes splay and shift when walking on sand
Waves of chaos
Tidal blues of panic
Crests of anxiety
Undertows of worry and fraught
My hands quiver
Disastrous stalks
Sway in the wheat field that I unknowingly manufactured
Snaking fissures
Rising up through the slated grey dirt
A beasts maw
Awaiting its next meal
And for desert it'll be my mental health
A deformed shish kabob
I bite down on the vegetables and meat
Only to find a rotted old blood taste in my mouth
Before I can spit it out or even change my mind
My teeth have sown themselves up
My lips have sealed shut
I can't ******* tears
I can't taste the years that I wasted
I tried to the best of my abilities
I showed the world a tender sort of love
That it never thought to show me '
Because when something is beautiful  
I'd rather leave it for other people to see
Because whenever I pick something
It either devours me whole as a result
Or it rots in my fingertips
Gently and lovingly coating each one
One last whisper of a kiss goodbye

Hi. Yes thanks. I know I have pretty eyes I’ve heard that a lot.
Can you stop talking to me now?

I say that within my head because I know it would be considered “Rude”. When you’ve just given me a compliment. At least that’s what it’s deemed by most people in society.

If a guy tries to start a conversation with you or give you a compliment. Why don’t you just smile. And talk back.
Why don’t you just not? I know it’s considered polite. But I don’t owe you a smile. I don’t owe you a conversation. I don’t owe you a **** thing. Let alone a smile.

But that isn’t appropriate of me. I mean. Honestly how dare I tell someone no. Let alone a person of the male race. Who thinks that they’re being polite and reasonable. But when I try to disengage the conversation and walk away. You either step up. And verbally pull me back. Because if I keep walking and ignore you it’s rude. And there’s a chance that if you’re one of those guys. You will persistently keep walking and follow me down the street towards my house.

And I certainly don’t want you knowing where I live when you won’t even let a conversation end. And then there are the guys. That have grabbed me by the arm. Turned me back around. And boldly stated. We aren’t done talking. And by the fire in hell. It has taken every single fiber of my being. To hide the fury in my eyes. And all of my will. To keep my hands by my side instead of delivering you a well deserved punch to the nose. Because how dare you think that the conversation ends when you want it to end. Maybe I should be honored that you wanna talk to me. Despite the fact that I don’t even know you and you make me uncomfortable. And I have noticed your eyes. And how they’re constantly roaming. But no girl. Is and has to put up with you. An utter stranger. Who uses the excuse of. “Don’t be such a *****.” When you’re denied a conversation or you’re told no.

So thank you. For the ever so painful conversation. The fact that. You randomly chased me down when I shook my head. And started walking faster. And last but not least. The fact that throughout the time span of this entire conversation. You’ve never made EYE CONTACT with me not even ONCE.
So.

To the self entitled ****** who decided that I owed them a conversation. When I politely and quitely shook my head no to your offer of a conversation.

*******.

I woke up with stardust in my eyes
All I could see was your smile
I wonder if we both knew what would happen
You said it was a good idea so I followed you
You said everything would be fine nothing could go wrong
I laughed and followed along carefully walking the edges of your smile
Tracing your lips with my fingertips
Watching the sun cast rays over your head
I remember when you said it would be fun being on the run
We could walk on the edge of stars
We would see the past go by on a dying ray of a nebula
We would dip our fondest memories in infinity
Casting them in forever
I looked over a bitter smile on my face
I don't have any memories but if I could
I'd cast your smile in forever
If I could I'd dip your laugh in infinity
I'd mold the butterflies you gave me in amber
To keep their bodies from succumbing to the natural cycle of death
It wasn't supposed to happen like this
We were supposed to walk on the edge of the galaxy together
We were supposed to dance on the graves of our enemies
Casting memories into starlight
Finding untraveled paths
Take the road less traveled
Find unexpected adventures
Find ourselves
But now that I think about it
You wanted me to be happy
You were just distracting me
Trying to be the silver lining over this dreaded situation
So when I look up
At the stars as we sit on the edge of the moon
Defying the impossible
Breathing in the air from space
You tell me that it wasn't supposed to go this way
And I look over at you
As you fade into the velvety blackness
And I find myself alone
Sitting at the edge of space
Suddenly cold
I still have a bitter smile on my face
And if I could I would dip your smile in infinity
I'd cast your laugh in forever
And I would mold the butterflies you gave me into amber
Forever to be preserved

Sun rays shimmering
Champagne days glossed over
Caramelized love
A mere damper on sadness
Thumbelina through the looking glass
A smile on the other side
Wind swimming through the field of your laugh
In the end did these memories even matter?
Or were they just supposed to teach life lessons?

Sometimes I take all of my regrets
I make a fist
And I smile
Shoving them behind my teeth
I ball up the sadness and I fit it into the hollow of my over bite
Because it's just enough to where it makes a perfect little space
I take the tears and I let them run over my smile
The salt white washing them and bleaching them
Brittle enough to break
But the pressure has been under
Just under enough
To where they stop bowing
And they straighten back
Or as straight as they'll be
They've told me before
That if I keep things in
Like sadness or regret per say
That it will turn me into its own personal feast
But with this cleverly tailored smile
I've made sadness the butter on my sandwich of regret
And I've learned to spread a napkin over my lap
And turn it into lunch
The crust perfect
Fresh
Vibrantly decayed
Breathing in the black mold
Hoping in some way that it'll flay through my lungs
The lungs that get fatigued sometimes
Tired of rising
Heart a beaten horse who's never been revived
Maybe eating my own literal feelings
Wasn't a good plan
But with this shotgun wedding of a brain
It seemed fine at the time
Instead of taking my heart out of my chest
And giving it over to a new black vat of a home
The living room curtains fluttering happily
On a wind of calculated despair
Some symphonies are never perfect
But even in their chaos they construct beauty

A very misleading scene.
You know what’s going to happen. It’s very cliché. Home alone except for your boyfriend. You two are just sitting on the bed watching a horror movie. You just put it on to have an excuse to be held and cuddled. And then it happened. You’re holding hands now. Slowly leaning in to each other even  closer than possible. You’re practically on his lap now. As he whispers sweet nothings in your ear. You lean in BUT BUT hold on he doesn’t know what you do. So you keep pretending kissing him back and pushing him down. And then just as it really starts happening you innocently put your hands around his neck. Stare into his eyes. And then…. SNAP.
Man he was really idiotic to think he could cheat and get away with it.
I guess you could say that took an unexpected TURN.

I’m not sure when I started
With small chubby child hands
I found this canvas in my mind
It stretched from wall to wall. Floor to ceiling.
It was so blank and I wondered why it existed
So for the first few years
A few canvases were filled with happy memories
Splotches of paint
Bright rays of laughter
And then
After I got older
Some were filling up with grays and blacks
I painted these endlessly
And then they started getting brighter
People were there
I painstakingly sharpened their edges
To make them stand out
To contrast
Except in the middle of these people
There were always these two figures.
And their outlines were smudged
They were blurred
They were smoky
Wisps curling from around them
And a part of me knew the shorter one was me
And I knew who the taller one was
The taller one was the constant
But sometimes
Constant steady presences can hurt
And I didn’t notice when my hands
Stopped being chubby and stumpy
I didn’t notice that instead
They became sleek a
nd flecked with tiny white scars
I  hadn’t noticed the paint
In swirling groups of flecks and blots
I hadn’t noticed
My left hand rising up with a sponge
To erase that tall outline that had been there for such a long time
And in its place I painted
I painted a clear defined question mark
And for a while
It followed me
And I was ok
I was ok with it following me around sometimes
And other times I wish I hadn't erased what I did
But one night in that seemingly half full endless chamber
Of canvases
I did something I ended up making something
Not like I usually created
I lifted both hands
I dipped them in this paint
I watched the droplets fall to the floor and splatter
And I realized something from me fell and splattered with them.
And when it did
This blank canvas bursted into life
I watched
I watched as paint seeped off of my fingers
Drawn into that canvas like a sponge
I watched as that defined question mark turned into a figure.
Almost my height
But slightly taller
And I watched
As all of these other canvases
Started filling with old memories from this rearranged question mark
And present ones
So I sat
And I watched

Laying on a bed
I think I was asleep
(I think)
That was before the loud popping sounds started going off
Oh right
It's the fourth of July
Our nations birthday
I groan
I get up
I shuffle around looking for my glasses
I then proceed to make a very loud
Very annoying dying sound because I can't find them
I sigh and go out into the backyard
Watching
Pop
Burst
Pop
Burst
Color
Colour
Color
I would've felt something
I know
When I was smaller
The sounds would've scared me
But
I like the loud bangs
I still like
The bursts of heaven that decided to come down from the sky
Just for tonight
My mind likes all of these things
But a sheer bitterly cold layer of cynicism
Is wrapped around my heart as if it were a glove
So snug in fact
That when my heartbeats
It beats too
I see a certain blue
And I'm now walking up the road of my past
My subconscious being the gateway
To forgotten and even suppressed memories
The stardust dew of a violent red brings back the sound
Of tires screeching on pavement
I jump looking behind me as if I can see that exact car
As if it were pulled from my memory
Driver and all
And woven back into the reality of the present
Burst
Pop
Burst
Pop
Colour
Color
Colour
I don't know when
My memories started to come packed into exploding tubes
For people to set off
But I guess with this way
I can't ignore my past when it's right above my head
Burst
Color
Pop
Colour
Burst
Pop
Color

Hollow.

When I wake up I’m in this building. Low gray decrepit rotting from the inside out. I know what I’m doing here but I don’t understand why my spirit won’t give up. The husk of my heart barely emitting a whimper of a beat. I constantly try and find them their laugh echoing over and over in my head. Not the thing that’s replaced them. I keep chasing the tatters of their laugh. The last dying rays of their smile. The warmth from their hugs. But I always end up passing cracked windows broken down staircases. Back to the room where the empty cavern of my heart lays in pieces. Ribs somehow mortifyingly enlarged. Lying across the ground in chunks shattered and broken apart from the concussive blast of pain and sorrow. I collapse in a pile of ashes. Falling to my knees. Trying. Trying so hard to piece the ashes together but they just run through my fingers. Slipping away like grains of sand my tears mixing together. The blood blending in. All of my dreams. All of my hard work every single effort. Shattered like a window. But instead of shards just cutting me. It falls through. The powder brushing across my skin leaving trails of blood behind. Still able to mock me. I thought for once that it was done the cycle was broken. It was finally broken. And when I fell. Into that circle of broken bones the ash puffing up around me. Shards of my heart bleeding. I thought I was out. But when I fell into that ash. I fell right back to the start.

A silence like no other
Withers through this tomb
Ensconced wistful wombs

Mother earth
Although weary
Not completely weak

Has still refused to succumb

Refuting a bend in this twisted end

Always be careful
Traipsing through the wood
Mother would say
I didn't listen to mother
Hardly ever did I listen
Frost biting thighs
Pacing
Not my pacing
I can't move
A lion stares back at me
Paws bigger than my hands
Splayed on the ground veins of blood snaking between them
I shiver
Not because I'm cold or scared
I'm just amazed that I'm still alive
I take in the lion still pacing
Eyes never breaking contact from my face
A brown coat
Light brown sparks of caramel shimmering
Eyes
It's been staring straight at me
And I haven't even noticed his eyes
Teal
Light green
Silver
Almost illuminated
A coarse patch in its otherwise smooth mane
Four paces
Closer
Nine paces
Closer
Our breathing mingles
I was already frozen
But I could at least feel my blood circulating through my body
The slight inflated rise of my lungs
Stunning
This lion lowers himself
Eye level with me
And I can move now
I get off of my thighs I stare at my hands
A tug in my gut and I'm down on the cave floor
Laying on my side
Across from each other eyes locked
I fell asleep heat brushing over me
A cocooned blanket  
This is how we fall asleep
For many nights
His eyes are always the last to close

The City burned lighting up the night sky.

My city was burning. The one that I had so carefully crafted. The sky just an ash stained backdrop embers flying into the sky as if doves were freed from their cages. There were screams. I could see the people trapped in their houses. I could see the people spilling out of their houses. Once smooth pristine flesh. Now oozing. Angry red bubbles popping new ones blistering. I could see brothers holding their sisters back. Back from going in and getting family members. Back from getting pets. Back from going to the home that was now burning in front of them. I couldn’t talk ash coated my windpipe. Searing down it as if I had drank *****. It streaked up and down my arms as if it were painting me for war. And in a way it was. Because I would fight for this place. I would try to reign in the flames. Breathing in deeply through my nostrils as if I could take all of it and bind it into myself. And let it burn within me and spare this place that had become a sanctuary for so many. That had become my sanctuary. Except I hadn’t realized it. Peaceful days would be no more. Only days that were just filled with grieving. Filled with frantic terrorized people looking for remains. Looking for memories. Looking for small sentiments among the rubble. Just to numbly drop and realize that Greedy flames had burned it all away. And if it wasn’t. A Brash wind would sweep through and carry off the once heard laughs. The footsteps of the children playing. No. I have to stop. I have to help. But how can I help when I can’t even find the will to move. My muscles slowly failing me. Until I find a hand on my already heat kissed skin. Such a casual. Such a familiar gesture. I would know this hand. I do know this hand. Except I don’t because I find that when I turn. I turn! I can move. I can smile. I can do something. And I swear it’s like someone heard me. Heard my would be half baked panicked plan. A wind pushes at my back and I forget about the phantom hand. I only look long enough to notice a hand print just two sizes bigger than mine. It’s nice to know that they didn’t change that much. But that’s not the point. I travel down the blistered hill. Going to wherever I can. And just. Inhaling. I wince as it travels down my throat. And where it goes. I’m not sure. But it keeps working. I see my people. The people I’m supposed to protect. The people I am trying my best to protect. They calm down when they see me. But they also flinch away. As if they’ve received a swatting from a nanny. I can’t tell if my neck has been exposed. The bones gleaming white. The strewny muscles showing. Charred because they’ve already been cooked by the flames that never cease to exist. I want to stop. I can’t take this searing pain that’s numbed over half of my body and my nerves. The flames keep dancing and dancing. Dancing me closer to death. But I keep doing it. Until I get to the last house. I breathe in…… And that’s the last breath I remember taking. Before I collapse falling to my knees. And then keeling to the side. The ashes make a lovely pillow. Coating half of my face as if I had decided to play with them. Except these ashes were from wood. From bones. Some heavily soaked in blood… But they were all safe. The ones left alive at least. Marked and to forever be scarred by the fire. But alive. In pain. But alive. And that’s all that mattered to me. These are my last thoughts as I’m finally swept through a smoke coated tunnel of blackness.

The moment you opened your eyes
My heart started fluttering
Part of me thought I was going to die
The other rational part told me to just calm down it was fine
AND THEN

I got ******
Because in my ears echoing as if I were in an opera hall
I could hear your infuriatingly stupidly smug laugh
Haunting me and hounding me like Marley's chains rattling at old Scrooge
Your smile flashed across my opened eyes like a new projector
And I didn't really appreciate that
I've begun to notice that your laugh only comes out
When you've successfully flustered me
I can feel the beats of butterfly wings trapped against the ribs that have become their cage

I thought these things were supposed to be in your stomach not your ribcage
But now that I find myself off on a tangent
I would just like you to know
That if there were ******* butterflies in my **** stomach
The acid in my stomach would dissolve them
So I guess that this isn't an accurate example of how you make me feel
But then again as a four year old climbs into the chair I'm sitting in

I honestly wonder what is
Maybe one of these days I'll bother looking away
Long enough to actually find out
Guess these butterflies won't be dissolved
Maybe if I put them in an envelope
That would fix the beats that speed up my pulse

Unity

Is such a funny five lettered word  
Unity makes me see two hands clasping together
Happiness melting through their respected fingers
As if it were butter in the savannah
The sun blessing them with outlining rays
Newly minted and cherished
Everything in the world freezes
Glossing over in perfection
But it only has its perfection because of this newfound love
The world spins in harmony
The atmosphere shatters into a thousand lovely harsh shards
Each one numbered with a past memory of yours
Soon those too will meld together with the present
You see the past and present have always been in love with each other
They share your heart break
They divulge in your laughter
Passing the goblet back and forth between each other
Watching the sun set over this broken boulevard
Strolling down the broken and shattered pavement
Of the floor of your memories  
Grays and blacks symmetrically folded together
Past and present
Ran into death and life
Who would've thought Unity
Would've caused this much peace
In our misshapen world

Storm

I can tell you so many things about the world and what I’ve seen. What I’ve done. What’s happened to me.
But there’s something I think we can all relate to. When you find a person, that in reality they tell you they’re no good for you. You’ll just get hurt.
But it’s like waking up in the morning after staying up till three. And not feeling tired
It’s like taking the first good drink of coffee after you haven’t had any for a while.

It’s like this calm painted over picture with a glorious sunset and the waves cresting and rising. The clouds stained with colors that you didn’t even know could mix together and create something new.
It’s like falling out of an airplane and instead of feeling fear you just can’t stop thinking about the wind rushing in your ears touching your face. Your heart in your throat your stomach trying to join it. And you know that it could go wrong the parachute could fail and you’d just be falling. Knowing that you may very well end up dead.

A splat of blood and organs with tiny shreds of bone on the pavement. But at least you died with this weird feeling. This feeling of total  happiness and calm. But the same time you’re scared as ****.
Sometimes when they’re with you it’s this huge really really huge wave. And all you wanna do is fix whatever you did that day. But they just give you this look of disappointment and walk away.
It’s like when you’d jump off the swings when you were smaller and you’d hit the ground. And you got that weird sometimes painful feeling where it felt like you would never breathe again. But then this relief hits you and suddenly you’re gulping down air like an alcoholic chugs down three bottles of whiskey.
Sometimes it’s the violent roaring storm that’s like an untamable saber tooth. You’re being tossed around and shredded apart like this beast was planted in your heart and now it’s awoken and wants to be freed. The worst of these storms are when everything is ok. And then suddenly they just snap and start fighting with you.

And it just leaves this hollow feeling like this isn’t what you expected. But these storms are never what you thought or expected.
They’re a smashed up *** of porcelain shards. They’re beautiful and lovely to look at. But then you’re pushed into it and someone closes the lid and starts shaking it up. And you’re being bitten all over cut into you’re bleeding everywhere. And you just want this hell to end and when it seems like it’s climaxing and getting to the height of it.

It just stops and the person who threw you in there is looking down at you all concerned. And you’re so ******* happy to see them and you get up even though it hurts and you’re still being stabbed by these harsh unforgiving shards. But suddenly They just push you back down and put the lid back on and keep doing it.

Like you didn’t suffer enough.
That is a storm. Violent but soft to the touch and a beautiful thing that can break you and then remake you over and over again.
That is the storm entirely unexpected and not what you thought you’d get.

When the stars fall by
I can't feel anything
It was my fault
No matter what I did
It would never fix anything
I was just on this frozen lake
I don't want to be here
I hate it here
It's always cold
And now that the stars I adored have fallen
There's no light
And soon enough there won't be air
And all I can do Is just stare up at this dark sky
And ask
How can this be fair?
I tried
But it was just like trying to swim without arms
And now that I'm happy
You have the nerve to be mad at me for letting go
I didn't understand you then I still don't know
I'm sorry
For what for I still can't figure it out

Young at heart
It wasn't serious
Laughs were swapped
Like loose change over a counter top
Looking at myself
I no longer hated
The image that was reflected back at me
Off of the waters glass surface
Because I saw you
I loved seeing you
And you loved seeing me
Because seeing you
Was like seeing home
Until once upon a day
I stared back at myself
Twas not you
Soon after
Twas not I either
Your love wasn't always unconditional
Or provided
But when it came to my love
Anything was fixable
With my driftwood heart
Floating by on the ripples
The after effects of your smile
A pebble dropping into the sound that was your laugh
I studied it
So meticously
I went over every fine line
Every grain of sand
Crooked fingers
Crooked smile
Broken to the bit of your smile
Casting you a crown
From the moons own rays
Lost at sea now
Stars waltzing around me
Trails of nebulas
I'm glad your happy
Because looking at you
I see all of the mistakes I made
That were veiled
Because I was too intoxicated
Too high on loving you
Too ADDICTED to the sight of you
Now with my glacier eyes
I see where I went wrong
I see where I sunk
And now
I see where I rise too
Thank you