As he gazed up to the sky...
He discovered, that he has only ever been looking at t, and not seeing t.
He wept...

There's little left to write...
That hasn't already been written.
So I'll say this to you.
You are not worth all the love that i have to give.
It's not a brag!
It's self worth.
I didn't copy it...
It's self taught.
No longer would i bend a knee to a servant, when i can be Queen.

According to michealangelo!
"A woman's heart has to be with god, so that a man, may seek him.
To find her"!
But what if??
Just what if... What if her god's dead??
Does that make my search in vain??

Oh look at him, always smiling about!
(But they don't know he's parents beat him to sleep)
Oh what a wonderful family, always shopping...
(If only they knew, that the home is divided inside)
What lovely couple, always holding hands.
(He secretly beats her till she turns purple)
Look at him, always spending...
(No one sees him working four jobs)
What lovely make up. Such pretty face.
(No one knows she has to do two layers of foundation, to cover those bruises)
... So ... What's your own story??

I'd write yhu an epistle...
But yhu left without a single word.
Now I'm wordless

I want to go out...
Wish I had extra energy to hang out.
My comfort, my sweet bed
The softness that makes me forget I've got work to do.

I want to go out...
Hehe, go out to what??
Do you see the people out there??
There are out there so I can be in here
I do not belong with the "Extros"
I wonder how they feel when they go out of their comfort zone.
Nah, I don't, I don't even care how they feel.
I want to scream some days, but I'm too lazy to open my mouth and let sounds out, so I just... "Meh" the day away!

I want to go out...
I need me a vacation, a super occasion
One that takes away validation of an "intro"
But there are perverts out there, and they'll intrude in my "vert"
Why should I go out to meet the outside people when they won't come inside, I don't even want them inside.
I'm not confused, maybe just a little bit.
But please, don't call me out. I'll hate you 🙂
I wannnnnt to go out!
And so the days go by, and I've only gone out in my head.

One can't make up for loss of sleep.
Also can't make up for lost time.
Definitely not of lost love!
You can't make up for losing me...!

Slowly the rumors, when talked about enough... Would start to be the truth.
The truth would try to prove itself, but would start sounding like a lie.
A lie whose value is dying, would start to work extra ******* itself...
Then instead of renovation, we'll keep breaking down this world.
It's messy and messed up

On the rainy days.
She'll walk out intentionally
And scream out, like a banshee...
She'd beg God to take her life.

As she was too much of a coward
To commit suicide!

Even loneliness left her!

Sun rays in the morning, smelling dew with a hot coffee to go with.
Cannot be compared to the quintessential beauty you emit.
I can't lie you're so fine...!!
I bet God cursed for the first time when he made you.
He was like "holy smoking ****, I'm good"
I bet he resisted rest on the seventh day, just so he could design your smile.
Do you believe in love at first sight??
Or should i come back tomorrow??
Mon Cherie...
If i appear on judgment day, and I'm asked how i spent my life,
I'd say i spent it thinking about scenarios of us, about moments that won't happen, but I'd like to lie to myself.
Hey!??
I think I've lost my way, so...
Could you show me the way to your heart??

She's too uptight, she should ease up
She's just a proud person.
"If only you knew, that she is trying to mind her business"!

She's a ****... I see her everywhere
I see her with different boys.
"Just because she decided to be free".
But how are you everywhere she is?

She's so pretty looking, nice shape too
Lovely attitude.
But why's she single??
"You didn't know, what her ex put her through."
For her to put on that smile, took hours of daily internal tears.

I want it all...
All the love stories I've heard. Including the ones i saw in movies.
Oh wait, i want my money back for those movies too.
Disney lied to me.
I want the coffee smell at dawn.
The smell of cuddles at cold nights.
I want to taste a soft lips, mixed with sweet saliva.
Disgusting?? Who cares?? I want that.
I want someone to look at me like, I'm the last and only thing they want in life before rapture.
I want to not feel like happiness z over rated.
Or is that too much of a want??
Or does my want not want me??

wheww...
"How are you today??, or everyday"
would it be alright if i gave the usual answer??
"hmm??"
i am pretending to be fine...
"pretending?? why though??"
these days, i feel like a stagnant water
i feel like i'm lost at a road filled with many paths to take
"oh my, that's a dilemma"
"hmmm. but why not pick one path to take??"
what if i fail again? what if it's the wrong one??
"but what if it's the right one"
all the roads on those paths lead right back to me, the start point
i want to cry, i want to scream
i want to say how i feel
but there's no audience!!
"try talking to me then"
to us?
"your demons aren't always out to get you, most times, we want company too!"
but i have the demons from other people too!
"oh, those guys??"
"we'll accommodate them too, just talk"
...
i want to be loved!

She would sit outside...
Before the rain, and weep!
Not cry! But weep.

So that if she's caught, she'd say:
"Oh it's just the rain"

Pain was her constant companion.

Sometimes, hate is good. It can prove as an excellent motivation to strive.
Most often than none, love isn't always enough.
I could write a couple of things about how love does this or that...
But reality *****!

I recently discovered, that i smile the most.
When I'm in the worse life challenges.

But you know, when you hit rock-bottom.
There's only one place, left to go...
Up!!

I am the start of my own line...
Not a descendant, but the beginning of an ancestral reign.
I'm only called weird because i see things and analyze them differently.
I cannot be like the rest.
After all, only dead fishes go with the flow!

Read carefully...
If you collected a penny for every time i cried over you.
You'd be broke!
My love for you, withered like a fairy tale, a long time ago.
Each time i see you, i glow up like an anime character!!
Nah, that's a lie, i ***** in my own mouth.
You were like the rush a child gets from much sugar in take.
Now you're like the vinegar that was fed to Jesus!
I'd love to keep this false love going.
But I'm too lazy for the circle.
I'll just keep saying "i love you" so you could keep feeling like you're deceiving me.
But he who laughs last... Laughs what??
Nah, he who laughs last will be an idiot left alone in the room.
That's what you are right now.

Flutters...
Wings  struggling to get higher while they fall.
The smell of rain drops after beating the soil into wetness.
The gloomy faces of humans, greed and persistency, correction and legal distortion.
The music of earth, blows harshly, taking the fallen leaves from the trees, which are dry now.
So their sounds makes a horrible melody, one that sounds like noise.
I hate this place, yet nostalgia keeps poking my curiosity.
What is?? The ex who left, and ex-ed another.
Or a place of my birth??
My utopia or my depraved dwelling.
Still, the town is still colorless, but because this is where we met.
The town looks like a warm chrome now, and i peak through our passage of time, i smile, but as i recall your death.
I cry!

If the sun was an original light source.
And the mood reflected it.
Then our love was like an abyss
Sad... Lonely, lost.
I often pride myself with adoration for you, i would pray to God and thank him for bringing you to me.
But no matter how hard i prayed
Or how hard i tried to shine my light on you, so you could reflect it.
In the end you always looked at me.
With those eyes.
Those "pathetic fool" eyes.
I knew i wasn't good enough.
But i gave you way more than deserved.
Way more than enough.
My light was wasted in your abyss
My love was wasted on you.
You just didn't deserve me.

The difference between a poet and art is the individual.
The difference between a pastor and the imam,is the religion.
The difference between life and death, is greed.
And the difference between love and hurt, is time!

I am blind...
too blind, blinded by the way yhu love me,
so let me feel like you.
let me take the fall if it brings you joy
let me hold you with my words...
hold me in your heart
so bold enough, so that i... who is blind in love,
can feel you, like a blind man
just like a blind man, let me love you in braille

Was there ever a time when you felt like you needed to get away?
When you were left alone in your head?
Where you kept feeling like the world was against you.
Sending you trials and tribulations, making your efforts, effortless.
Depression pressing on you, like a compressed load of oppressed dialogues, without a single sense in it?

Take all of those!
I think... No! I feel all of those now.
But I cannot tell it to the world.
They'll think that I'm a girl in my head!

To an unbeliever, who believes in the things that everyone thinks unbelievable.
I see you staring.
At me, but in trance...
To the boy who constantly thinks that if he gives me enough time and attention, he could have priority with me!
To the world that judged me before i even stepped into it.
To society that tells you what to be
But not how to be it.
To religion who thinks I'm sinful for not doing the needful,
In their own way.
To the hypocrite in me who tries to socialize, even though I'm an "antisocial" introvert.
Well, well, well...
Look at me now, I'm ruining all your expectations of me!

When she was asked to describe herself in three words.
She wept for the number of times, that she was abused.

For the number of times, people took interest in her, cause of her body.

For the number of times, she has let herself love, and got used for it

The one time she went through a bad day.
And no one asked her about it.

*Sigh, ("I need a hug" she thought)
Everyone thinks she's pretty.
"She must have lots of friends to comfort her.
All her friends want something from her!!
She walked away in tears..

This is the end of love...
Cause I've dabbled in infatuation...
I can tell what love is
This is not genuine, so let's play pretend.
Tell me you love me, and let me fake a smile
In my need to be loved, and crave attention, i want you to love me, like it's my last day on earth.
Kiss my freckled lips with warmth.
Touch those melanin thighs with contempt.
And even if i know you're not worth having me!
I give myself to you, since it's you i want.
I can't stand the gaze upon you.
But without your presence, I'll asphyxiate myself!

I took a peak from a far away place, very close by!
Your heart, it reeked of pale sadness
And I was laughing out loud, so much!
Too much even...
And I decided to increase the pitch
So that the wind would take it to you
You'd hear it, I hope it makes you smile.
I hope you wonder, what sort of laughter is that loud, I hope you smile upon imagining what's got me giggling.
Then I hope you start to smile so wide I could spot if from the back of your head.
I hope the smile turns into a low chuckle
I want that chuckle to go on for minutes and turn into giggles.
Now laugh so hard that your tummy tightens and begin to hurt a bit.
Since no one has mastered happiness, there's no such thing as too much joy.
Now laugh until your pale heart recognizes that warmth.
Even if for that moment, I hope my laughter triggers yours and you forget that you were sad.
I know you're hurting...
I see you.

Like the butterfly's wings, if you listen carefully, you can hear her heart speaking in unknown tongues.

"She has all her walls up"
You have no idea of things she had to go through, to make her build those up
The constant hurt
The road to rebuilding her self-esteem that she gave out, and got broken shards of different part of herself.
Her walls need to be up, so despicable excuses for humans like most men won't get her.
They won't inflict the hurt, the one that made her hurt.
The hurt connected to her "opening up" personality.
You should respect her decision.
Stay away.

It's twilights...
From afar they look so pretty
Unfortunately the sun burns

Do you know it's been, ** days since you left??
You were right you know, I'm a ****** poet.
But john, i don't cry anymore like a baby.
But when i think of you, i look like how babies cry for milk.
Dear john, i still haven't finished the anime we started together.
It feels like the main character is dead.
Did you isekai by chance?
Dear john, will i be owkai??
Dear john, don't you think you're a bit selfish?? Dying all up on your own.
Seeing the cold razor-sharp edge of a short blade, on the floor, close to yhur now cold body.
Strangely i felt Warm, i was putting on your hoodie of shame.
Dear john, does it mean that God couldn't answer your prayers so you went to ask him instead??
But dear john??
Who would remember you, after my blade takes a deep dive into my veins??

Paintings... Huh
If paintings could use their canvases to show pain.
I bet the only picture there would be yhurs!

Smells of lavender filled the room
Pheromones going berserk...
Cold sweat slowly dropping down from the neck and his tongue to follow.
He pulls closer, grabbing from the hips
With an '***' quite over-sized for the body, 'D-cups' that make the silhouette fall in place from her *****.
Lips full fledged and a face to show that the creator is biased to her gender!
The ice... Melting slowly upon gentle impact on her belly, warm stream down to her thighs, and with a moan of relief, content and the longing for more.
Time was against the finger stroke by the rib cage, and the his lips, kissing her lips.
But underneath!!

Once i saw a woman who was blind
But could feel sight
She was mute, but her touch spake volumes.

Once i saw a deas woman, who was alive...
In the memories of those who remembered her.
I do not fear pain, nor death.
I do not fear Hatred or love.
I fear, that one day...
I'd be forgotten!!

I don't do poetry 'cause i was forced to.
I don't write 'cause I've got hands too.
I don't do poetry 'cause i want attention.
I don't write 'cause I've got lyrics and dedication.
I don't do poetry 'cause i want people to see.
I don't write cause my words are as vast as the sea.
I do poetry because i can be me, and i write because in those moments.
Nothing else matters.
It's like a twisted relationship between my mind, and the universe, the ink. And the paper, it's like I'm complete, in an incomplete way.

Feeling the warmth of the sun.
Cold winter air, giving you goosebumps.

Scattered amongst the water bed.
Even in the singing of trees.
You exist everywhere but in me.

Original canvases that a painter would die for.
You... They call you; pure, nice, beautiful, awesome, yin and yang, chakra, mana, force, light vain, ki.
But widely you're known as "life"

We we're close together, you and i
But now people only talk about me, when you give up on them.

But it's fine, at least after they spend the little time they have with you.
I embrace them forever.

Fifth note:

Haha...
I realized today, that I'm not lonely.
I just have nobody!
For the fifth time this year I've resurrected my hunger for nothing.
I've smiled so much that it feels odd now.
So, i now open my heart and accept that...
"Yes indeed, i am a walking obituary"
I bet if i rapture today...
The gods wouldn't know i existed.
So now, i smile a teary smile.

We always fall in love.
But we never fall out of it.

I stood up, in love.
Since all we do is beat around the bush, for heartless things, we used our hearts, less for!
I can't live with you, but I'd die without you.
What's left to smile about, when the man of my dreams, slowly walked into my nightmare.
I hate you, but if you kiss me...
Something asleep in me, might wake.
Stop coming close to me.
I can smell the cologne of your audacity.
I love you, but it's for my own benefit... That you shouldn't know.

People call it a fall.
****, i was sent down like a burnt match stick into a dumbster!
I am lucifer... The so-called
"Lord of the light"
Says you, who casted me into darkness, with a home so hot, that my regeneration can't keep up.
My fall was, thus, your second verse in your book.
Almighty in your thoughts, name and actions, and you still couldn't turn a blind eye to the actions of an over privilege kid.
I didn't introduce evil into the white golden land.
So ask yourself... Who did??

Hello!!
Darkness, my old roommate
It's been, what seems like decades
It was only yesterday, that i moved out into the ***** of light... She was warm and kind, and soft, so soft...
Too soft, it felt unfamiliar.
So I've come back with my tail tucked between my thighs, thighs trembling as how awful i feel, cheating on you.
You're cold, but you are comfort
I thought that warmth was good, until it became to hot to bare.
I thought that hope was sweet until i got diabetes.
I've missed despair, and while people who haven't gone through it would think it bad.
It's better than the devil i do not know.
In light i could see, see all my flaws, but under you i could hide who i really am, from the world.
You are comfort, and this may seem depressing, but I've come back.
To fade into you, and allow nothingness caress my soft-warm heart into a cold one.
Because there were a lot of people who broke me into pieces showing me warmth, at least, I'm myself when I'm in you.
I realized, light isn't meant for everyone.

she's a 10 but...
9 other times, she falls short of the way she's rated by the guys she has been with.
and 8 of those times she has been misunderstood by people she's met over the years.
7 other times, she's taciturn and not upfront of her feelings...
as she a little rough around the edges, clumsy if you're close enough to observe.
6 other imperfections have made her into an introvert...
she doesn't mind the way they look at her, or how bad her reputation is.
because 5 of the time she's feeding her pillow every night, with lonely tears, expecting it to grow like a plum blossom in spring...
4 times a day she's lonely...
ever so wanting to be needed
3 times daily she wonders about why her life feels empty, it feels stagnant and cold.
dependent on no one, while the in-dependency fails her in crucial times.
she's awesome in the most beautiful ways possible, on 2 occasions
she's the essence of a pure craziness and the epitome of all things good.
and most of all, there's none like her, even with all her flaws
she's the only 1 of her type!

Maybe if I cried so hard
You would hear me.

Maybe if my tears become so much
You would drown in it.
...
.

Well...
It's not fair, and I know he's our maker, but it's not fair!
I'm jealous that he made you and saw you before me!
I'm jealous that you talk to God more than me!
I don't mean any blaspheming, but I want to be omnipresent to your eyes.
Through your eyes, you may see me as God!
I'm jealous that the first words you uttered weren't my name, you see I like how you call my name, how the letters roll down your tongue.
I'm jealous of myself for not seeing you nearly enough!
I'm jealous your mum spent more time with you before you existed!
I'm jealous that other men come up to you, I mean look at you!
Oh the sun rays, the brittle gentle touch of the wind on your skin, I'm even jealous that you touch your body more than I do!
I'm so jealous...