and it's taken me two years but I think I finally get it
it wasn't the forced laughter or the radio silence
it wasn't that every time I needed you, you never picked up your phone
too busy talking to God as usual
while I was screaming his ear off about you
you
and your white teeth and ambiguous intentions
you caught me numb on your kitchen floor
laughing in your old clothes when we're alone together praying that this time this side of you would stay
and for once you do
until there's someone new to impress or I just need to talk to someone at 1am
apathetic until something in the way of my being applies to you
and just like a kid you'll sit me down line our pieces up and try to convince me we're the same
you shoved the pieces that wouldn't quite fall into place under the couch and color coordinated and combined with no true knowledge of the picture
just like a little kid hell bent trying to please a parent
you tried to fit your life in mine but you never quite realized that I am not a puzzle and you are not a part of me
and it's taken me two years but I think I can let you go
I'm done driving to your house
I'm done watching you on social media intently trying to understand who you are and why the hell you do what you do
and it's been two whole years of passive aggressive talk contrasting quiet afternoons on your floor or blue nights spent driving around the city
it was below thirty but you let me roll my window down and so I could breathe the frigid air and tangle my wrists in the power lines
it all boils down to a simple statement:
you were there until you weren't
until it didn't revolve around you
you didn't want a friend you wanted an adventure like the pictures you pin on your wall
like the mindless **** you fill your head with to appear tragic and interesting
and I understood when you brought your new friends to my birthday
unannounced
uninvited
cold
and I saw pictures the next day of them in all of the places we used to frequent in the summer when I gave up on substance and just wanted someone to be with
and I know that the world belongs to everyone
but those nights belonged to us
quiet
secret
hot blue in a sea of navy and gold
like words whispered into a lover's shoulder
and when I saw the pictures I just kind of knew
that you never understood a ******* word of anything I said when I talked about how moments like these inevitability fall through or the cracks of existence or whatever
and you left early because they wanted to go and I smiled and said it was fine
you didn't get it
but I think I do now
it's only taken me a couple years or so.

I'm sitting on the three blankets and pillow, I've been allotted to sleep on.
I'm listening to the song I always do for these mind cleansings
In the background, further still, my roommate talks to her friend; loudly, I might add.
I have a lot on my mind and no one to talk to.
I'm quiet here, anytime I speak I'm generally ignored.
For the most part that's fine.
My anxiety has been really bad as of late.
So has my nicotine addiction.
No matter what I say or do,
I can't pull myself out of this rut.
I've been going on walks
Two days ago, it was three or four miles
Yesterday it was five or six
Today, I walked at least six
I'm not really keeping track.
I'm not letting myself think.
I'm not allowed to.
"You're affecting everyone in the house."
I wonder if you thought about how much that hurt me.
I doubt it.
I'm not wallowing in self pity so much as emptying my head.
I quietly sit,
No one has similar interests as me.
I watch anime when I'm bored
Or sleep.
I think the epitome to how lonely I am here is the playing chess alone.
I haven't had an intelligent conversation
Well, since Ken and I discussed the black hole theories on time slowing and wormholes
A week ago.
I can't joke the way I do without hurting someone's feelings or being too obscene.
I'm lonely
Very lonely.
If this were a game of house,
I'd be the dog.
I want a job so I can move out.
So I can make friends.
I want to go hang out downtown with people who want to talk to me.
Who don't make me feel like **** for getting in my slumps.
I want to be around people who won't tell me that I'm not allowed to be negative
only to immediately counteract that with hypocrisy saying
"only were allowed to be negative."
I'm fluxing between three and four cigarettes a day.
I'm not allowed to wear my safety hat because it's negative
I'm not allowed to listen to "negative" music.
I have more rules here then I did living in my dad's basement.
"The grass is always greener"
Honestly, I knew it would be like this.
It's still better than being emotionally abused.
Well, romantically anyway.
I'm tired.
I'm tired.
Physically
Emotionally
Mentally
And I'm getting fed up.
Honestly,
the only thing that keeps me from commiting suicide right now is seeing an new city.
Not my friends
Just the sites
Everyone back home has forgotten me
Everyone here acts like I'm not.
I don't fit in anywhere.
I'm immersed in my reading, anime and poetry.
No one understands. I ******* hate being inside my head.
I ******* hate this.
I ******* hate me.
But I'll never say a word.
Because if I talk,
I'll be scolded for ******* feeling.

I get it, my depression is, too, much for you all.
Let me get something straight.
I don't really give a **** how my depression makes you feel.
I don't give a **** that you think you're helping
You and your metaphysical ******* does nothing for me.
Don't tell me to meditate.
Don't tell me that you are here for me
You're white knight act is more of a lie then you'll be there when I need you.
I'm ******* fine.

Lately I've been thinking about becoming bigger than my body
I've been processing you through **** demos on my phone
Through grey skies and empty bottles
Through blank stares and perpetuated silence
( I used to need a rhythm to write but the white noise in my head seems to work)
I've been turning corners and changing lanes
Doing the dishes and doing my time tangled in empty sheets
And it seems okay
As long as I'm not by myself for too long
Because if I let the white noise in I'll be swimming in black till the weekend
I'll numb myself in neon shades
White hot and weighty
Glimmering image of the silver screen dream
Spent shadowed twisting out into the intersection until I remember that you are not the same as you once were
And I am not the girl you needed
I'm just processing
And working on becoming bigger than my body
More than my bones more than my skin more than my gender more than a character in someone else's life
More than a thin wristed timid thing weighted down by years of neglect and indifference
More than a pair of wide dim eyes
More than myself.
I'm sorry I didn't call you back.

I think I've always known that you were headed for the stars.
I saw it in your eyes when you were young on the front porch playing your junior acoustic guitar
heard it in your voice when you made your mother laugh at the party
felt it in your arms in every hello and goodbye hug when you held me close just like I always wanted.
so yeah,
I've always known about you and the stars
and I think maybe, you saw the same in me
I don't know.
it was just in the way you always begged me to sing with you even though I was shy and your parents were drunkenly laughing downstairs
it was just the way you always asked endless questions about my year
and everything in the way you listened,
stupid smile on your face like you couldn't believe I was in your house
or that I was looking at you,
or maybe it was the way that you were always challenging or pushing me to live a little
and yeah it was the stuff of kids
but in my mind the lighter you forced into my hand meant so much more than just the snap of firecrackers in the dark
meant more than just the prospects of burned fingertips and ash
or the way you always managed to get me up into some tree or on some rickety old swing even though I was so afraid of heights
and you knew you were the only one who could do that,
just like you always have.
Because maybe you knew that to get where I was gonna go that I needed someone to remind me
that sometimes you have to go beyond what you think you are capable of and do the thing that frightens you
I always admired that in you
and that maybe you saw me too
so yeah
maybe you knew about me and the stars
just like I knew about you
and we've seen the world of our youth together
through dinosaur days and saturday morning cartoons
our mutual love of laughter connected us and grew like ivy between us covering the spaces we had left uncharted by the innocence of youth
you wanted to be a comedian and I did too
only if I could make you laugh like that night by the fire
we were young and skinny and wild and oblivious to the true nature of things
and it was small but it was good
so yeah
I mean I've always been in awe of you
and after all these years on your front porch we've come so far
your mom gave up smoking and your dad is cancer free
your brother got a girlfriend and you bought a car
so you can drive
and drive
and drive
and drive away
leave the small town you've hated ever since you started school
so you can drive to find your dreams and some girl to take your heart away
and after all is said and done
when you've broken the charts
gotten your name in lights
and seen the world with a thousand scars running deep just under the sleeve of your shirt
you'll find yourself hung in the stars
just like I always knew
so yeah
I mean I've always hoped that once you were there in the stars
you might look around and find me there too
and its a roundabout way of saying things
and it's different for me too
but
there was this band that we listened to that one summer in your kitchen while our parents were laughing about some video in the next room
and in about every single song that this band wrote
there was this one sentiment that was echoed,
and that has been echoed throughout the modern world countless times to the point of abstraction or sickening obsession
but
the way it sounded that day in the kitchen with seemed really really great
like we were the first to pioneer this brave new school of thought
and that the simple lyrics were insightful and new
though I know you probably don't have any memory of this
but
I think I needed to just let you know


that
I think I've always known
(that you were headed for the stars)

For my twenty-first birthday all I want is to drink alone.
I want to sip my sorrow
I want to slip away and walk the streets drunk
I want to sing modern baseball.