I believe in utilitarianism
And stay living in a state of disguising glum for glee
I see it as my way of giving back
Because as long as they're happy
I can keep up the show

I have visited the land of over the moon happy
Where my tears created silent rivers
Being an ethnic woman
The exotic figure of many dreams
Feels like popping the champagne
And having to clean up the mess afterwards
I am both the star and the maid at the same time

His eyes start to eat me up from the inside out
Hands demanding my body
This is the first time I think of my body as an object of pleasure
Still, I don't class it as *** or the R word
Just predation
A sense of redemption for his masculinity
Memories of his actions follow me
Haunt me
My flesh has since arranged itself differently
Forming a cloud around a central object
Which is hard and more real than I would like it to be
The recklessness of his actions means that
My husbands touch can now scare me
Remind me of the time I felt like a means to an end
Remind me of the time I lost my glow and will

Sometimes I wonder if you understand how much my heart sings for you
Even when you're hurting me you still manage to make me happy
You are everything to me
I'd like to think that if you did something horribly wrong to me i would leave you and hate you
Truth is
I couldn't
I could never actually leave you
I could never actually hate you
I couldn't even last a few days without you
I would be waiting for you to beg me back
And like a lovesick puppy I'd be there
You really don't understand how much I love you
It consumes me
I love you so much I would be willing to be a side piece to you
Just so I could still feel your touch
My handsome man makes every day happen
He makes my sadness sink further into my mind
And I kinda don't mind it

I would wait years in isolation
for a chance
at life
with you
Because you are enough to last me five lifetimes
You are more than enough

I am here as a token
A voice for my people and my ancestors
As a browning plaque in need of polishing
In the day a middle class white girl
Uses my ancestors voice
Uses my land
A beautiful ei on her head
To caption a photo of her on the beach
Something about loving her body the way Gauguin did
To think that my people would be worthy of that kind of
Out of context type reference

I am here as a token
The truth behind the girls who say that Raro taught them how to love an island love
Who bathed in flowers and sand
Saying it is as though the island spirit has possessed her
And she has the power to bestow it upon you
The real island love is hidden between the pages
Of the copy of the holiday leaflet
My nana gave her
The leaflet that I wish had never been translated to English

I am here as a token
Handing out my peoples story
For the honor of revealing that we have more beauty than retreats
To reference my sisters whos bodies have been put on a stage as entertainment
Despite being a show of beauty and island culture

I am here as a token
To educate of my people
To remind you that I come from a people who used constellations to find their way
My people are beautiful and rich in spirit
My culture is more than a holiday destination
Or an instagram post to flaunt your body

I didn't believe you existed in the first place
But when you did
I had the crippling fear that you would not want me
To me, beauty and happiness were always incomplete
I didn't believe that salt water could damage paper
But when it did
It was though my eyes were true to life
Speaking words of sorrow yearning for you