Downward spirals
Inward explosions
Outward, onward, forward
That's what you tell yourself
There's a way out of the labyrinth
The walls will crumble
And I'll be free.

The constellation that speaks my name is the opening line of the zodiac.
I am an Egyptian golden ram, and in ancient Egypt, Aries was the indicator of the reborn sun; I’m a never-ending fresh beginning of a mass of fire.
I am a self destructive flame, constantly setting myself on fire, and you caught on it.
So forgive me, and then admit the truth that we both know; Flames are the ultimate spring of warmth and light

No, you're **** does not not stink. It's ****. Your **** smells like ****. You are no exception to this truth. If you're a Taurus you probably wipe your *** with toilet paper made of satin. You indulge in fatty and sugary foods quite often, so your ******* satin toilet paper never lasts long. Your ruling planet in Venus, so you see ******* as an art form. You may even decorate your house with your own **** statues. When you're not admiring your own ****, you're constipated because you're too ******* stubborn to take a break from stuffing your face with ****** food.

Advice: Put down the cannolis and take a walk in a rose garden so you'll know what actual roses smell like.

Well, well, well...if it isn't mister and misses, I have to have someone up my ******* 24/7. Even when you're taking a ****. And if your partner isn't right next to you when doing so, you're sending them photos of your **** via text because you think it's somehow romantic and/or cute. You're the least constipated of all the zodiac signs because you're constantly taking it up the ***-**** just falls right out of your ******* with ease. Man or woman, you have this bizarre almost compulsive fascination with hairy *******, both literally and figuratively. Because you're so eager to please, you have no problem switching from your *** to your mouth and vice versa. No one really cares when you go missing because you're probably somewhere with your ring finger up someone's hairy *******.

Adivice: If you know you're going to be taking **** in the *** and mouth, it would be wise to try and **** beforehand because nine times out of ten, you're left with your own **** in your teeth. Smile pretty for me, baby!

Oh the Archer, so brave in the sky! Think not, fool. Ruled by Jupiter, you liked to be liked by everyone, be the life of the party. Awwwwww, so transparent you are. This likeable, likey-like-like thing you try to weld translates to your horrific sense of insecurity, a second close to Cancer. You push your way through life, not out of real accomplishment, more out of riding the **** tails of others. You're the ******* scrub behind the velvet rope. In all reality, you simply drive a 325i from 2001. Sagittarius, the Universal world traveler in hearts and minds - lover of philosophy, you couldn't scratch your way out of local knitting club convention. You don't travel, you just write or yap about it. Good for nothing, what's the point of having a bow if you have no target, jack ***!

Advice: Stay home please, stay out of my way.

Well, Neptune and his sad sack. What to say about the watery Fish? Nothing really. You slip around in life oversensitive to your own liquid shadow. You're far worse than Cancer when it comes to feelings and such, no wonder most of you remain lost throughout life, like a body snatcher, you dream the imaginary world of happy people and happy endings. A Disney disaster really, unable to be on your own for long, you need other people to keep you grounded and on the right track. Codependent anyone? Jesus Christ on a **** stick, I dated one of your kind and couldn't shake him, 25 voice mails later. Tragic really. But it's not all bad, you speak of posies, whisker woo-woo's, and butterfly kisses. Shut the **** up and reach into the real abyss of madness, you poser! Truly the "flake" of the zodiac, you dismiss common manners with some attitude of "Look at me, look how silly I am!" No jack ***, you're an irreverent ****/***** who has no considerations for others. Don't even get me started on the drug use, ya loser. Compassion? Go to church, don't come here.

Advice: Anything is possible when it happens, but for you, nothing ever happens. Wake up. Stop trying to find yourself and start creating yourself, you ******* *****.

Hmphh. The Goat. Ruled by the Black Hand of our solar system. Gate of the Gods, but you truly fail to see your real potential because you're clueless how real motivation works. You are not a prodigy, you are the most basic construct of a human, next to the over achieving Leo. The two idiots of the zodiac flitting about. You would think with being the Goat, you'd want to aim high, climb, and grab life by the ******* *****, right? Nope, most of you are homebodies who are phobia ridden. Saturn got your pessimistic ways? Boohoo, go cry with Cancer, there's a "whipping sign" you can take out your miserly and grudging ways on. Discipline? More like, "I'd rather watch paint dry than your ridiculous dreams you always seem to be chasing". And why you try to come off as hard workers is beyond me. You do very minimal and claim some ******* grandiosity; highly annoying in your braggart ways. ***** please, don't come off as serious, we all know Elvis died on the toilet. Get over it.

Advice: Do some real work without all the nonsensical stupid, dry humor. You aren't as brilliant as you think.

You're the baby of the zodiac which means you're probably still wearing a diaper because you are too ******* impatient to **** in the toilet like the rest of us. If you're not still wearing a diaper, you're walking around with **** stains in your chones with your head held high. Your ruling planet is Mars, so be careful of straining your **** when constipated. You're more prone to hemorrhoids than any other zodiac sign. You need lots of attention, yet you fail to acknowledge and accept that the reason you're not getting any is because you smell like ****.

Advice: Learn how to use the ******* toilet and change your underwear daily.