what was your life like before christ

Be real
Be real

as if its that easy

I don't feel
so if I'm real
people won't know me

the person who you think i am

is no where near how i really feel

Be real
Be real

I'm sitting here

Can't focus

Can't think

My hands are shaking

And yet everyone is looking at me to be strong

No crying

Even though my world is fallen apart

No being scared

Nervous

Or being weak

I have to be strong

Stress is eating me alive

Yet I have to act as if it's all good

Head killing me

But it doesn't deserve pain killers

Hunger

But I can't eat

And everyone wants me

To be strong enough for everyone else

And right now

Im about to start shaking

Screaming

Crying

Weeping

But I can't

Because I have to be strong

And everyone wants to know why I'm not smiling

People always say

dont be perfecct

be you

but what that really means

is be who they think you are

if you say something else they will think you are lying

not trying

hard enough


look deeper


thats not deep enough

but who are you to tell me


who i am?

Sometimes I wonder am i just like a blank canvas
waiting for someone to come along and make me amazing

Your standing in a light so bright
I start to wonder if your in the dark

My ****** knife

is dripping more than my hand

then the drips
drips
drips

drips



drips


d r i ps

d
        r
                i
                        p
                                  s
start to come slow

so i take the knife

and make more blood flow

People always try to put things into boxes
they want to put people in boxes
all of the boxes have labels
The boxes limit the things the people are able
to do
Like saying your black that is to white for you
or even your son is to young to learn how to tie his own shoes
all of these boxes
that have been carried from generation to generation
they of names and criminal in the makin
but I want to tell you that these boxes are mistaken
you see people put things in boxes
because they dont want to see what happens when they come out
they are to scared to think outside the box
and let how they really feel out
so they use extra tape to try to keep them close
the tape of steryotypes and bullying
and even calling people cold
they try to keep us in because they dont want our stories to be told
well i am stepping out of my box
breaking the tape
doing things the boxes say werent meant for me
I am going to break my box and for once in my life feel free
I will leave my boxes behind me

Living on the outside
scared of the light
breaking from the inside
full of fright
trying to be kind
im losing my might
I promise you i tried
tried to be polite
I dont wanna die

He doesn't understand how much I try
try to do things right
make him see me fully
that I am not completely
foolish
I do everything
somehow  he doesn't see
see me for me
and all of the things
I do to make him believe
never come out how it should be seen
thanks everyone but me
so now I am broken
I tried to stay strong
but it broke me
he never saw how much I tried
to stay strong for him
keep everything ok
But today was my breaking day

Im broken
Im lost
Looking for a way
To cut out the monster in me
I'm hurt
Trying to find a reason
To live day
To day in this
Misery

I wish I was sorry
I wish i cared
But when you've broken somebody
You gotta leave the pieces there
Let them carry themselves back up
And put the pieces together
Give them time and space to heal
But know theyll be wounded forever

Like me

Broken hearted girl
lived like she had no cares in world
then one day she looked up
and realized she was alone
her broken soul shattered floor
She was a broken hearted girl

Woke up in the morning
went on her way
smiled as people passed
all they did was wave
they never say her frowning eyes
they didn't notice when she drifted away
to them she never changed

Broken hearted girl
lived like she had no cares in world
then one day she looked up
and realized she was alone
her broken soul shattered floor
She was a broken hearted girl

People everywhere hurt bullies before they can hurt victims like me
they have riots to tell bullies they wrong
and it has lasted this long
Yet if they only took a second to see
what the victims thought of things
they would realize we don't think I don't thing they are right
They are trying to fight
this problem
and think that is wrong
because when  there is a fight someone gets hurt
The last thing i want is more hurt people
I actually feel bad for bullies
because all of America just pointed their guns towards them
their friends ignoring them
people they don't know hating them
talking about them
they must feel just like me
because that person, or bully was hurting before the victim
and now BRAVO! you made them feel worse then ever
and everyone keeps filling them with hurt
and when they are filled with hurt that is all they can give back
And then you get mad at that
"A is a bully
they can never change!"
Maybe they could change if you gave them a chance to start changing
lets walk through this shall we?
If you fill them with hurt
they give hurt back
But when you fill them with love what happens with that?
You see bullying isn't a fight we should be fighting
They are broken people we should be fixing
hurt people we need to be healing
rips in them need mending
we don't need to tear them apart
we need to put them back together
show them love from the heart
that is were bullying stops

I don't like to call myself anorexic anymore
because I no longer skip meals
I haven't thrown up over a toilet
and I haven't weighed myself in a year
but the thoughts still exist
my mind still counts calories
for example there are 420 in the saltine ******* I just ate
which is already half way over my daily calorie intake
or would be half way over my daily calorie intake
if I was still anorexic
which I'm not
even though I haven't thrown away my scale yet
It just sits in my room like a prized possesion
Like a priceless talesmen I gained from my last adventure
sometimes I look at thinspiration
just to remember how good it felt
not that I save the photos to my phone anymore
not that I recite the words they say in my head
my favorite one though
not that I have a favorite one
would be having collar bones that collect raindrops
because I could do that
If I really tried I could get skinny enough to capture the rain
to walk outside, feel the drops, and have them stay
I still never finish my food
not that I'm counting calories anymore
but if I was the extra pieces of food on my plate would still count \
even when I eat food just to spit it out
not that I do that anymore
not that I'm anorexic again
because I'm not
I still think I'm fat
but who doesnt
I mean if you saw me in a dress you would know what I mean
I started wearing baggy clothes again
not that I have to hide how skinny I am
Because I'm not even starving myself
You know I gained 22 pounds?
Not that that's a problem
105 was underweight
but being in the 120s is not okay
maybe I'll cut back a little on what I eat
but I'm not anorexic
trust me

Why cant i get cancer?

I would love to save a kid with cancer

and i would die instead

why do the only people who get cancer

are the ones who want to live?

I can not love you
If you don't love yourself

I can't sleep
To many thoughts in my head
You block me so i have messages permanently unread
I wonder what you said
No i don't want you back
I just want it to be over
To erase you from my momery
And have a new journey
I want to be free
But these chains are hard to break
And they wrap back around me every time i see your face
But it's not sadness i am feeling
It's not want that i have
Its not regret for not knowing you
And not pain from memories of what we had
I can't explain it
When i see you its more like i don't feel
Like im back in that place when i first  met you
When i didn't have my own tears
And i can't sleep
Because this not feeling
Is filling my lungs the way you use to
Strangling me from inside like your words did
Making me shake like the pain you dished
Its been 6 months since we stopped talking
And i still
Can't
Sleep

Im sitting here

thinking about what to write

and all i can think about is you

the curves of your face

the beautiful melody of your voice

and the amazing opinions

you shared with everyone

and i wonder

why was the only person who couldnt see your beauty was you

why where you holding the gun

why couldnt you see your own beauty

why did you leave me

now im sitting here

hurting

wondering

why couldnt you see your beauty?

I use to tell myself I liked celery
That I loved the tasteless crunch
And how it always got stuck in my teeth
I told myself I loved eating it
And it was all I ate
"Celery helps you lose calories I said"
Not that that's why I was eating it
Not that think I need to lose weight
I mean have you seen me
Even though deep. Down I wish y haven't
I use to cut them up into small pieces
And eat them each slowly because
"It's takes your body 20 minuets to realize its full"
As if 3 cut up pieces of celery would fill me
You never finish your plate
One of the lesser rules of the Ana commandments
And yes I followed the Ana commandments
But i didn't have a problem
You see al I wanted to be as light as a feather
So light that when trouble came the wind would take me away
So light that I will float higher than their expectations
So far up and I can't see how I let them down
It wasn't an addiction
I wasn't mentally Ill
I just wanted to be thin
I wanted to be so tiny that I became translucent
People can look through me and see all the things I was to scared to say out loud
I was never a good liar
So when asked if I eat I just laughed and changed the subject
You see people don't look to hard at you
If you learn how to smile and nod
I could see my ribs piercing at the edge of my skin
My shoulder blades looked like wings so maybe one day I could know how it felt to truly fly
And truly be free
My spine riddled my back as if it spelled out help me in Brail
My collar bone perturded  out so I could follow it to my shoulder
I had no muscle
All the widget I had came from my burden of trying to be perfect
Held on my back as my knees buckled under the weight of my own requirements
I was 5'6
And I weighed 105 pounds
Oh how I wanted to get under 3 digits
The numbers were important to me
The number of calories in my lunch and how I could lower them
How many days I would starve
Until my hip bones looked like hers
I was so skinny I started to see the girl in magazines as fat
And every time I stood up the room would go black
But I knew how to hid he dizziness
And he bruises I would get from little things
Baggy clothes
And jokes about high metabolism
Kept people from looking to hard
No one looked close enough
I wanted to be porcelain
As rare as a diamond
And as fragile as my self esteem
So I taught myself to love celery
But never how to love myself

I have a challenge for you
to just be you
today I want you to go outside
with what you think is comfortable
I want you to do what you wanna do
and say what you wanna say
act how you wanna act
and if something hurts you don't look the other way
I have a challenge for you today
and don't just say ok
then walk away
I want you to do this challenge for me and be you today

Party girls don't get hurt
Can't feel anything, when will I learn
I push it down, push it down

I wont get hurt if i pretend
I will never end this charade
I 'm not playing games
I push it down till i turn into a diffrent girl

I'm the one "for a good time call"
Phone's blowin' up, they're ringin' my doorbell
I feel the love, feel the love

I am here, im the one they need
They call me a push me on my knees
They keep calling until i stop feeling anything
but i feel the love
the always needing, always wanting love

[Pre-Chorus]
1,2,3 1,2,3 drink
1,2,3 1,2,3 drink
1,2,3 1,2,3 drink

Throw 'em back, 'til I lose count

Throw em back till i stop dreaming
throw em back till I stop hoping for something better
throw em back till i lose count

[Chorus]
I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier
I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist
Like it doesn't exist
I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry
I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier

I'm gonna live like i wont wake up tommorow
I'm gonna live like my life isnt a mess
I'm gonna live until i forget what my life is like
I'm gonna wipe my the tears from my eyes
*I'm just holding on for tonight

I don't recognize me
I look in my reflection
Read my thoughts on hello poetry
Who is she?
I don't recognize me
Who am I changing into now?

There once was a girl named Chloè
She was tall and really skinny
She told everyone lies
So they wouldn't see through her disguise
She didn't want to keep on living

I want to make you feel better

but i cant

so i want to hurt myself

but that would hurt you

so i realize i cant make it better

and I want to help you

but i cant

so i want to hurt myself

but that would hurt you

I want to make you feel better

but i cant

so i want to hurt myself

but that would hurt you

but i cant

so i want to hurt myself

but that would hurt you

so i realize i cant make it better

and I want to help you

but i cant

so i want to hurt myself

but that would hurt you

I want to make you feel better

but i cant

so i want to hurt myself

but that would hurt you

but i cant

so i want to hurt myself

but that would hurt you

so i realize i cant make it better

and I want to help you

but i cant

so i want to hurt myself

but that would hurt you

I want to make you feel better

but i cant

so i want to hurt myself

but that would hurt you

but i cant

so i want to hurt myself

but that would hurt you

so i realize i cant make it better

and I want to help you

but i cant

so i want to hurt myself

but that would hurt you

I want to make you feel better

but i cant

so i want to hurt myself

but that would hurt you

Anybody here remember Claude? She was a user, but she must of taken her account down or something because I can't find her. It's really sad because I loved her stuff. She took a part of me with her.

People say they aren't racist and thats a flat out lie
I mean they no longer separate our kind
but they act like color doesn't survive
these people are color blind
they don't admit that I'm  different
and I'm tired of it
people take of your mask
and show your face
we are still people but we are people of a different race

“Hey whats your favorite color? I mean you're blind so do you not have one? or can you image it?”
“I dont have a favorite color, that “blind thing” means i can't see them, so i never really choose a favorite.”
“Thats sad, imma help you see colors.”
“I dont understa-”
“shhh” he said as he put his soft finger to her lips and made her forget her question.
“Remember when we felt the sun? The warmth and the the feeling of pure life we got from it?”
He traces his fingers up her arms and says” The covering of it, and the pringling feeling we get on our skin when we feel it?”
She loses herself in his touch. “Yeah it was beautiful.”
“Well yes, that was what people say is yellow. Some people say it is overwhelming, but i think its refreshing and reassuring.”
Georgia nods and leans into his shoulder.
“Now red, red is strong.”
“There is this song by Tyler Ford, and its literally the only way i can explain red.” He reaches over her, his arm across her stomach, and pulls the guitar on his lap. He puts his arm around her shoulder and reaches back to the guitar. He started to play, and sing in the worse voice Georgia has ever heard. She smiled and tried to focus on the words, and not the feeling of yellow she feels from his arm around her shoulders.

I dont understand him
one second he loves me
and the next
the next
well the next girl is already in his DMs
and I'm left as nothing

I dont understand her
she smiles at all I say
yet cries when shes alone
pretend she has no one
yet its my heart she owns

I dont understand anything
its to complicated for me
I can't discuss spatial topics
because I'm not open minded enough see

I dont get it
I dont get anything

It's harder than you think to be content
to be happy without looking at someone else
so if you ever have trouble
if you might think your ugly
just remember our differences aren't reasons to be jealous
but God's fingerprint

You say your original
No one like you
But then I see you with straightened hair and Uggs for shoes
You squeeze into a too small shirt
Your jeans are just as tight
You take off your glasses and get contacts
Does that seem right?
The next day I see you
Your look completely changed
Your hair is died black and your nails look the same
Since when did you wear nail polish?
This is not who you use to be
Now every time we talk
We talk about me
You say my hair would look good straightened
You tell me I should wear Uggs
You say my face would look better with make up
When I say no
You get an attitude
Because I am not a copy cat like you
I see your new friends the ones with the same shoes the same colored hair
They changed you do you care
And when did you start to swear
You are exactly like them now
Me I'm not
So I get pushed out of your best friends slot
You talk just like them
You all walk in a line
What did you think I wouldn't notice?
And act like its all fine
Snap out of it
You must be under a spell
I know you all to well
I'm not telling you to ditch them
You have new friends that fine
I’m just telling you to stop being a copycat
Its time
Not its past time but it's not expired
You need to get a grip because this is not right
This is not you
Its societies bite
It’s got a grip on you and it’s holding on tight
Stop being a copy cat be you
All you have to do is be yourself
I'm so tired of this
People dyeing
People crying all to get accepted being a copycat
Isn’t all that great
When you’re a copycat you don’t get everything as gold on a plat
To be a comply cat you cant be real
Because you feel like the it girl all the time
And its hard everyday when you have to act like you’re in a play but your not
This is real life stop living a lie
All you care about is shoes
Next it’s boos
Here comes the drugs and now you’re the person locked up
Then your rejected like a shoe that doesn’t fit
And the it girl doesn’t have it
She has no friends or so it seems
Because she can always come back to me
But you forgot that
Your forgot the lessons you learned from others
How your aunt had a kid at 14
How your sister just became mean
How your brother is hooked on drugs
And soon you will be too
It's like a loose tooth
You want it there and you don’t care if what’s next is better
Being a copycat is like a loose tooth
You need to let it fall out
Or that is what you will do
You will fall out of a great life planned for you
But I don't what you to fall I will hold on
But I’m not the strong
You need to snap out of it just like I said because
Now you wanna starve to death
Better yet you want me to too
That’s not how I roll
That’s not how I do
Because I am not a copy cat
Like you

I am like a crayon
I may not be your favorite color
but one day you will need me to finish your picture

I dont have crushes
Ever since a man thought it was alright to grab my legs
I haven't been able to look at any guys the same
Ever since a man twisted my reality
and told me it was fine if he touched me
I can't picture any guy holding me
So I'm sorry when you talk about how you like him
I can't really relate
I haven't had a crush
Since I was *****

As the blood drips

and drops down my hand

I stare into the mirror

I smile

and i dont see any pain

I can pretend that its all ok

that its normal

that i like it

that its fine

as the blood drips

I know i will be all right

My cousin Diamond Johnson just received this email for posting a poem about her boyfriend Josh who isn't on this site.

*Silent screams  10 hours ago
Hello, so I'm not sure if you have a serious mental problem
or if you're just flat out *******.
but, Josh has never loved any other girl besides me and he will never love another, and the same goes for me as well.
We have had a mutual love affair for a year, and I don't appreciate you writing creepy poems about my boyfriend and making up fake "love" stories
If you pursue or try to have any further contact with him, so much as a message or a text or anything.
the police will be notified and I will pay every last cent I have to have them track you down and find you, and that is a promise
Now get a life, and stop trying to interfere in mine.

Dad
as anger radiates off you
like the heat of the ground
I freeze
your face is full of hatred
and pain
you come home from work
just to scream at me again
"CHLOE!" you scream
I just nod my head
wont speak
I'm to scared I will scream instead
"DID YOU LEAVE THIS MESS?"
I look around and realize it wastn me
I could be free
but i just nod again
I wont let my sister die inside like i already did
you move so slow to me
but your so fast and strong
you grip my under my arms
throw me up to the wall
scream at me for so long
dont cry stay strong
when your done you let me fall
the carpet catches me
bruises on my arm
I stand up before he can see the harm
but hes already gone
going downstairs to work
ignoring my mom
I wish i could save him
but hes to far gone

I want to dance
I love moving to the music
and making it real
its fun to portray the music in actions
to take what I'm listening to and let it transcend through my body
but I can't
and every time I try I am told
over
and over
and over
that I cant dance
and that I should stop trying

My heart still may beat


but im no longer living