I was never quite good
enough for you  I never made you happy
I never did anything right I always was left in the dust of your
life no matter how hard i tried to become
important to you I was
always left in the dust, I was always left out
I could never be the most important thing in your life why are
you still screaming at me to be better, cant you
see im trying to make things perfect cant
you see that i am trying
to hold our family together, cant you see I'm
trying to make your life better, havent you noticed I forgot
about me, but focus on you,
have you noticed that i never eat, that i never
ask you for food, that i dont cry when you scream at me, that
I always work with you even when you wont
pay me, havent you realized
that i love you , havent you realized I hate myself
havent you realized it hurts when you push me, but not as much
as you telling me im a mistake not as much as you
taking you food and refusing to
eat with us because you have work to do, havent you made
me sad enough do i hurt enough for you yet? Have i worked hard
I'm sorry I'm not enough, I'm sorry I couldn't help
you, I'm sorry I cant look you in
the eye with out
wanting to
cry
I'm
sorry
daddy

I heard you where suicidal
we should talk

I know im not your favorite person
you probably dont like me at all
but we should speak

cause in some ways we are the same
but i might be wrong
maybe im completely off

if i am ignore this
forget this
but if im not

realize you dont have to live with it
alone

You dont have to say anything
just know that there are people like me who care about these things
so please
if im right
realize that you are strong enough to make it through this fight

Isnt it funny?
I have thrown up about 5 times in my life
3 of them are pills that wont do their job

why is death easy for everyone to find but me?
isn't it funny
death avoids the people who want to stop living
take cancer from that girls mom
or that boys sister
and give it to me
I would love to take their place
because dieing is something I want to happen to me
please
stop avoiding

Death is not freedom
Death is the option where you no longer make choices

Define me
put me in a box
and tell me who i should be
if i can't fit in **** me
please **** me
this acking
from being different
of feeling whole
then being left in pieces
its left me weak
its left me more than empty
its left me a black whole
******* in the joy of whoever wants to be near me
now everyone fears me
so define me
because i don't wanna live this life of dieing

We live in a world of denial
Forget things to vile
We leave them to dust like songs on vinyl
Hope it will go away its to foul
Now we'll smile
Happy as it always were
We live in a society sick with denial
And no one has a cure

Depression can be dark
And the darkness is an illusion
It can seem as if it is never ending
Stop you from seeing all the light around you
As if there is no hope at the end of your tunnel
As if no hope can be found anywhere
Ignoring all the opportunites around you
Depression is a blindfold
Pressed on to your eyes
Depression is a whisper
Saying the world wants you to die
Depression is a lie
Depression is an illusion
And i pray that you stay a live long enough
To see that

I will scream

I will die

I will jump off a building to make it all right

to fix everything that is wrong

but i cant

i cant help you

I cant do it a lone

I kills me from the inside

when i start to see your pain on the outside

and now the only thing i can do is cry

I cant make it all right

like you did for me

your a natuaral therapist

while i am nothing

I will scream

I will break

I cant fix you

with all my might

I cant make it alright

Im sorry i cant make these wrongs go out of sight

Im sorry i cant give my life to save yours

Im sorry i cant save you like you saved me

I want you to find help

No matter how hard i try

and i plead

to God

you see i stopped praying about me

a long time ago

but i have been praying for you

since we where kids i have wished you alright

you see i told u i barely knew your name

but thats i lie

since the first time i saw you

I hoped what i saw in your eyes was lies

but as i always do

when i see pain i run the other way

i hate it when i love someone

who i cant save

instead of helping people

all i do is watch as they break

there are people i have tried to save

but no matter what happens i cant make it ok

I never stopped praying

I pray that you are ok

but when you need someone to comfort you

i dont know the words to say

and its horrible for me

to watch people break

when i know they could of been saved

but not by me

im sorry

im draggin you down with me

I dont wanna hurt you

but i dont wanna die alone

don't forget i was your first kiss
the first girl you wanted to be with

don't forget how you couldn't keep your hands off me
that there was a time when you loved me

don't forget we rediscovered love together
dont forget the smiles we believed
or the demons we pleased

dont forget the trials we had
and don't forget they were not all fails

and if your gonna remeber me
don't forget
what we use to mean

I feel as if you are playing me as a fool
As if I'm pretending to be something
but everyone can see through my disguise
like everyone is laughing
and I don't know why
I'm the punch line
and it makes me what to cry
do you notice all that's wrong with me?
Do you see the scared little girl?
Running

All I wanted to do was sleep again



dream





I miss the rest

the escape

that 8 hour break

from my so called life

turns out

monsters dont get a break

monsters dont get a break

sleeping isnt an escape

its only a nest



to hatch more monsters

you dont get to wake up

and say

It was just a dream

we dont get that

all we get

is a rude reminder

that our nightmares

do come true

they already have

Everyone is drifting away from me
and I don't know what to say
I keep feeling the distance
the space between us is growing
and I'm stuck confused as of why

What am I doing wrong
am I to annoying?
clingy?
nice?
or mean?
please tell me
I cant bare to lose everybody

again

because plugging in earbuds
and pretending the people you love
hate
or dont know
dont exist
is easier than realizing your alone
better than explaining why you exist
to people
who couldnt care less
better than explaing why you exist
to yourself
and hiding in a song you know all the words of
in a melody you can replay in your mind at anytime
because we as humans hide
so run from your own presence
because plugging in your earbuds
is easier than learning
how to survive

have you ever been empty?
truely empty
to the point when you could walk into traffic
and wouldnt feel the car hit you
to the point that seeing thier picture doesnt make you feel anything
when whispering their name has lost its effect
when you dont think of them
when you stopped thinking
when you cant even fake a smile
you cant even fake a laugh
when you touch your eye and there are tears
when you cant feel the sadness that comes with crying
at this point you're just leaking
over flowing the nothing that is filling you
and all because
your reason to live
got tired of you
got over you
stoped wanting you
stopped loving you
hates you
and leaves you
e  m  p  t  *y

I never realized you could fall out of love
i thought it was just an excuse
for divorced people
who never loved in the first place
did we love in the first place?
I didnt know you could stop caring about me
I didnt know I could stop caring about you
did i stop caring about you
Have i stopped caring
since when did i ever want to not talk to you
since when did we not want to be together
since when did your presence scare me
when did we scare eachother
when did us become a we
when did we seperate
I dont understand why we didnt stay with eachother
why we couldnt understnad eachother
why we couldnt be
BFF's
but even that was a lie
because Im not sure
you where ever really my friend
my friend
are you my friend?
are you still there for me?
maybe you wont be
maybe we arent
maybe
maybe you still love me
but only if i could believe in that lie
because you told me
you no longer care about my fragility
you no longer care if im broken
you no longer care im hurting
you no longer
want to be next to me
we no longer will be
I'm sorry
but why
I'm the only one crying
when you are smiling
because you told me
the truth set you free
but it captivated me
now im stuck in a rut
stuck in a cage'
when i cant escape
I cant stay
in this charade
you broke my happiness
I can no longer last in this
you kept me in the shade
only to bring me to light
at the worst time
tell me im not wanted
when you where the only person i thought wanted me
as soon as i accepted I wasnt alone
you left me
you see
you made me get better just to send me back where i came from
what type of love
and you have the audacity to act
as if this will hurt you
as if you didnt do anything wrong
as if im over exaggerating
as if your better than me
your not better than me
just because i learned how to take down my walls in front of you
does not make me weak
It makes me stronger
than you
just because you saw the sad side of me
thats not all there is
I showed you I was fragile
but thats it
you wont see past what you think I am
to see thats not me
you wont see
Nina see me
you keep yourself in the dark
pushed us apart
so you can be alone
its not me its you
its not you its me
its not us anymore
there is no longer us
bff?
*******
your just another person who took advantage
of my weakness
your just as bad as them

I'm lost for words
I don't know how to describe the feeling
Of not feeling
Do I feel?
Do I live?
Does my soul still survive inside
I feel like it left me
Just an empty vessel
Do people still love me?
Do I still love?
I haven't felt love in years
I haven't felt in years
I look at a situation
And wonder
How should I be feeling?
Shouldn't I be feeling?
Shouldn't I be
Should I be at all?
Why am I here?  
Why don't I care if I die?
Why don't I care if I loss her?
Why don't I care if I lose him?
Why can't I feel?