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Casey Jan 2019
My turn to go up next.
The teacher glances toward me and nods.
I grab my instrument and walk to the front of the room.
A chair and stand awaits me.
I set the sheet music on the stand and take a seat.
"Whenever you're ready," he says.

I lift the french horn to my face and pause.
I remember the people before me who went,
eyes full of fear.
Hoping with every ounce of their soul
that they won't mess up.
My chest constricts tightly.
I struggle to take a breath, then begin.

The first note is perfectly on pitch.
So far, so good.
The phrase flows smoothly.
The piece goes well,
until I take a risky glance around the classroom.

A knot forms in my stomach.
Everyone is looking at ME.
Expecting ME to do well.
My fingers fumble as I miss a note.
I panic and rush the rhythms,
not caring if I miss the pitch.
I just want this TORTURE to be over.

Their gazes are icy.
The piece ends and I swiftly let my instrument down.
I hang my head low.
The ones before me look grim.
Surely I had disappointed them

The director says nothing.
The silence is KILLING me.
I feel my face flushing red.
The room is getting warmer.
"Next?" He asks, prying that I should take my spot.
I get up and take my things,
then do exactly that.

The next person plays perfectly.
I applaud with tear-stained hands.
They are praised well as they walk to their seat,
beaming in glory.

Who am I to pretend
that I understand this madness
called success?
Playing your solo for the class is never fun.
Casey Jan 2019
A long time ago, I used to stare into the sky.
Watching with amazement,
breathtaking glory.
That was until you happened.

I felt a fluttery feeling in my stomach
every time we talked.
I began to realize this feeling.
It's what they called
love.

We were young and dumb.
Hopeless adventures.
I used to think,
maybe,
"does she love me back?".
We could talk for hours
and never tire.

Suddenly,
hours seemed like only seconds.
Every moment we couldn't be
together
was a living hell.

I became too invested
in you.
I abandoned my health.
Sleep didn't matter
anymore.
I'd lay awake until you would respond.
Messaging until the new morning.

I started to worry about how you thought
about my looks.
I parted my hair differently.
You saw it, smiled, and said,
"You made my day brighter."
I was foolish.
I thought you loved me.

Various unfinished artworks.
Too afraid to give you my confession.
I remained quiet
but somehow
you already knew
and said nothing.

Until that fateful day
my dad forbade me.
I couldn't spend time with you anymore.
Only in school.
That was all.

I grew depressed,
started prying open my skin.
Wanted to feel pain.
Wanted to feel "alive".
I quit after my mom saw the first scar.
You knew
but said nothing.

I told you about
my restriction
on seeing you.
Next weekend,
I am brushed off like
A broken toy.
Once used, now boring.

You brought someone else.
I was shattered.
I sunk further
into this endless void.

Eventually, my sexuality got leaked.
You were hesitant around me.
Nothing was the same.
Nothing.

You knew
everything.

I decided to end it all
right there.
11:34 p.m.
I sent you a text.
Waited for a response
with tear-stained cheeks.

You knew
everything.

You told me those words.
You saved my life.
A week later,
you had the other person over again.

I throw away all the art.
Everything I poured my heart
into.

I sink deeper.
You never loved me.
I knew that
but said
nothing.

Here we are
once again.
I pull back my sleeves.
That red spot on my wrist
it looks like a burn,
except it was pencil.
Scratch.

It reminds me of the night sky.
This mark is my
star.
I feel like I owe an explanation. So, in late 2016 into early 2017, I fell in love with one of my best friends. The problem was that she was straight and didn't know I liked her. I got too invested into my feelings for her and tricked myself into thinking that she could've liked me and was toying with my feelings. I was delusional and paranoid and got jealous when she would spend a lot of time with her other friends. Eventually, my feelings for her faded. Then in March, one of my friends sprung loose the secret that I wasn't straight and people weren't that nice to me as a result.
Casey Jan 2019
The first snow has fallen; oh how it sparkles in the sun!

All she wants to do is run around and have fun.

Yet, there is work to be done.

This battle she's fighting seems won.

But, no one can tell

from fear and pain, she runs.
idk man I honestly don't remember why I wrote this one.
Casey Jan 2019
In Vilna lives a young Polish girl, so wealthy and carefree

Suddenly, away goes she and her family

Taken by force, pushed into a truck

Belongings stuffed into a trunk

A train awaits as they file in

The door closes and the light is dim

The young girl asks, "Where are we going?"

Her father replies, "Only the Russian soldiers are knowing."

Weeks fly by on the railroad

Ever so slowly the train goes

The prisoners alike arrive at a town

Once again pushed into trucks and carted around

The girl and her family arrive at a mining camp

The grandmother says repulsively, "We look like tramps."

"The land is so flat!" The girl remarks

"We're in Siberia...." The father says with a heavy heart

Silk clothes soiled and heads hung low

Into makeshift mud houses, the capitalists go

The landscape, nothing but brown and dried grass

The young girl thinks, "how long will this heat last?"

To the gardens, she goes

To **** the hundreds of shrunken potatoes

Her family is to work in the mine

On little bread and cheese, they dine

Finally relocated to a nearby village

Everyone so hungry, none dare to pillage

The girl goes to school and makes new friends

She wishes hopefully that learning won't end

Her family with their own mud house

Having not to worry about a single mouse

A letter arrives one day

To war, the father must be sent away

He takes the train to the front lines

Everyone says their goodbyes

Weeks later, the newspaper arrives

Heavy casualties reported, from those same front lines

They receive a letter from the father

"I'm alive." It reads, "About crying, don't bother."

Winter creeps in and nothing is left to keep warm

The girl steals coal and wood shavings thinking, "it couldn't do any harm"

Quickly the money goes by

The young girl takes up knitting on the fly

Her knitted sweaters earn them milk and potatoes

She spends less time with her friends, though

The little mud house too cold to bare

They find new people to live with, no warm clothes to wear

Years pass and the girl turns fifteen, not young anymore

Seven years they have spent in Siberia, living like the poor

Word arrives that the war is completed

From Siberia, the Germans had packed up and retreated

A letter comes, saying that the little family can go home

They take the train and upon arrival begin to roam

The streets are barren with nothing left

They find their house, not spared of theft

The father appears much older

The weather in Siberia was much colder

Than what Vilna, Poland was like

The girl takes her father's hand and family alike

The years of exile are done

The war is over, the Allies have won
I made this poem October 11, 2016. It was for an LA book project. This is based off a book I read, The Endless Steppe. I had to write a total of 3 poems for the project. For the first one, it had to be a summary of the book. FYI, the book takes place during WW2.
Casey Dec 2018
for my dad


sorry i couldn't play sports you wanted me to
we both knew that my fate didn't lie in running
or golf,
or soccer.

sorry i couldn't be the perfect sweetheart daughter.
i couldn't pretend to be someone that i wasn't.
dresses,
lipstick,
blush,
flowing hair.
dysphoria.

sorry i couldn't always be happy and smiling.
i knew that you wanted some distraction
from what was happening with mom.
but, it got to me too.

sorry i couldn't be a straight 'A' student.
you knew i was capable of that.
but we knew with my restrictions that i would never earn an 'A' in phy. ed.
"what about uw-madison?" you would say.
and i always replied, "they're just letters."
just letters....yet they robbed me of motivation,
energy,
happiness.

sorry i never said anything you wanted me to say.
maybe that was why you would always hit my face
and never anywhere else.

sorry i didn't have any worthwhile talents.
i knew you hated my art.
you'd come into my room at times to look at it.
and scoff, and call it ****.

sorry i.....


No.


I'm not sorry that I can't be who you want me to be.
I'm not sorry for being who I am.
i don't think standing up for myself should be called 'attitude'.
Casey Nov 2018
In the midst of the melancholic dusk,
soliloquies of the forgotten are hushed.

Those who listened snickered
at the surreal hopes of those
who search for their flicker.

For you see,
in a year not so long ago,
the Empathy did leave.

Ever since the start,
Empathy lived in the world’s heart.

He came to visit us every day.
His grin is warm and bright like sunbeams,
and he hides behind what the people say.

Empathy was the hero of the lost
His touch mended the broken spirits, although,
none of us knew it had such a hefty cost.

Is there a more affable friend that could possibly be,
than that of Empathy?

Empathy was a close friend of mine.
When I sang his somber song, he appeared.
The bourgeoisie had never seen anyone so divine.

There was something furtive in his eyes
as if he knew, somehow,
that he would have to bid me goodbye.

I asked him, “Empathy, what’s going on?”
He replied, “The light is fading. They have killed the dawn.”

And so I saw his words ring true.
The sun rose not,
The sky faded gray from blue.

The people of the world began to hate.
Abandoning Empathy, they set the universe ablaze.
Fire choked the sky, for us it was too late.

“Save yourself and run away!” I cried.
But Empathy, he shook his head, smiled, and died.
This poem is for an assignment for LA. We were given a list of words to choose 8 from, then we had to incorporate the words in a poem. Hence why there's a random bourgeoisie in there.

— The End —