It took falling into the ocean
To notice the beauty of the sky
It took drowning for a while to recognize
The necessity of breathing
It took letting you save me, to know
The measure of your love

I have many friends
They see my best
They've even seen my tears
But they haven't seen in any way
The worst of me
They haven't seen the silent screaming
When it hurts beyond tears
They haven't seen the meals I skip
When I hate my very breath
They haven't seen the worst of me
The worst of me will never be seen
The worst nights I hold close to my chest
Trust me
They will never see the blood drip off my skin
When I feel like ending my life

I have bruises on my legs
From things, I never ran into
I have bruises on my heart
From people, I never meant to let in

Does growing up mean, forgetting?
About all the people I've known till now
Does growing up mean, letting go?
Of who I was, many years ago
Does growing up mean, forgiving?
The trauma I've had to heal from
Does growing up mean, losing you?
The only one, who got me through

Why now are you leaving?
Why leave right when I need you most?
Why now are you leaving?
Was it because of me?
Why now are you leaving?
Did I do something wrong?
Why now are you leaving?
I had just regained my balance
Now that you are leaving
I am on the ground again
Without your help how will I ever stand?
Why now are you leaving?
I had just begun to heal
Why now are you leaving?
Was I too broken for you to fix?
Why now are you leaving?
Was I too much to handle?
Why now are you leaving?
Is it really for the best?
Why now are you leaving?
Leaving me alone
Maybe your right
Maybe this is for the best
Maybe, just maybe, it will be good for me
Because now that you are leaving
I will have to pick myself up
Because you are leaving
I will learn to stand alone
Because you are leaving
I will accept the brokenness you couldn’t handle
Because you are leaving
I will learn that I don’t need you to live
Because you are leaving
I will move on, stronger than ever before

When I speak
There are things I can not say
Feelings I can not express
But with you, I don't need to
One look into my eyes
And you already know
Everything I dare not breath into life

Am I nothing more than these thoughts that
I think?
Am I nothing more than the words that
I breathe?
Am I nothing more than the feelings that
I endure?
Am I nothing more than the scars that
I carve?
Am I nothing more than the times that
I try to end my life
If I am nothing more than all these things
Then why am I still alive?

Leaves fall down
Dead
Reminding
Me
That I am
Not

Lately, it seems that I am unable, to die
I try and i try, to let myself go
But every time, I stop
Unable to continue
It seems that there is a force
Stronger than I
Keeping me alive

Be the one to believe
When everyone else has lost faith
Be the one to love
When everyone else hates
Be the one to speak life
When everyone else screams death
Be the one to bring hope
Into a darkened world

Take a look at the trees
The sunflowers, and things
all stretching towards the sun
In earnest desire

They twist and they turn
They bend and they bow
As they reach for the sun
Their source, of life

They might get burned
They might get drowned
Yet still
They hold their Ground

How I wish I was
Those trees
Bending not breaking
Growing, despite so many things

I don’t know why, but for so long, I’ve believed
That parents should think the world of their kids
Love them unconditionally
And protect them from harm
Make them feel safe and build them up
I guess I was wrong
Because my parents are far from this
They slander and gossip
They judge and they disrespect
They think the word of themselves
And think nothing of me, or my siblings
They blame us for every event
Never seeing the others involved
Just like they don’t see
Anything that we go through
They don’t see the pressure and stress
That we place on our selves
Trying to live up to
Their expectation of perfection
The expectations they mask with deception
Their words coated in false kindness
They mask the truth with lies
And they say that it's fine, to fail
But treat you like failing isn’t an option
They hem and they haw
But they don't ever help
Quick to anger and slow to love
They shout and they yell
And you don't dare oppose
Their beliefs
Instead you sit by, silent
Waiting for the day you can get away

We were born into a world on fire
All of us damaged
Some burn
Some smolder
Some sit silently choking on poison air
All of us in a world on fire

Some live
Some die
All of us cry
In a world on fire

Some climb mountains, for cleaner air
Some dig holes, where the flames don't dare
Some stay still, already burned
In a world on fire

Some scream for help, unheard
Some try to help themselves, failing
All of us struggling, alone
In a world on fire

Even though the world’s on fire
The world is a very dark place

I just want to make you proud
Proud of who I am
Proud of how far I've come, and how far I'll go

I just want to make you proud
Proud of the little things I do, that drain my soul
Proud that I made it out of my small hole

I just want to make you proud
Proud that I do well in life
Proud of the relationships I've built

I just want to make you proud
But you make it so hard
Is making you proud even worth it?

I just want to make you proud
Proud, even just a little, just enough
To acknowledge that I exist

You were my world
You were my sun
My moon
You were my whole universe
But now
You are just space
Cold
Dark
and unforgiving

My heart pounding
My hands shaking
My breath, gone

My chest hurting
My lungs burning
My sanity, gone

I try to breathe
Oh god! I can’t breathe
I start to panic
Where is the oxygen?

I worry for the future
Is this it?
My heart pounding faster and faster
Am I dying?
Panic growing

Then, little, by, little
I gasp, and I gain some air
My breathing begins to slow
My heartbeats following suit

Soon I am no longer panicking
Soon I am okay again

People say that they’ll listen, but that's more of a lie
They only hear what they want to hear.

They ask how I’m doing,
I say that I’m just fine
Then they walk away
But once, just once, I wish

I wish they wouldn’t walk away, satisfied
Accepting my answer
I wish they wouldn’t move on with the rest of their lives
Without even thinking twice
I wish that they would see the tears in my eyes
As I fight for my life
I wish they would see the scars on my wrists
The one's I attempt to hide
I wish they would hear the decay in my trembling voice
Ashamed of who I am
I wish they would open their eyes and see
That I am not fine

I feel like I am dying inside
More days than not
I feel I am slipping farther and farther away
With every breath that I take

I wish that death would come sooner
That sweet release from my suffering
But wishes don’t always come true
And people aren’t always there for you

So I’m left, a mess, screaming into an abyss
Alone

I am reminded daily
Of my own fragility
That in a single moment
I can be broken

Do you ever want to
Just shut the world out?
Do you ever wish
That the world would fall away?
No sights
No sounds
No feeling at all
Only you and the emptiness

Don't tell me to shut up
Don't tell me to move on
Don't tell me I don't matter
Or that I don't belong
Don't tell me to get out
Don't tell me to let go
Don't tell me I am useless
Or that I'm just a burden
Don't tell me that you hate me
Don't tell me that I'm ugly
Don't tell me who you think I am
and that I'll never change
Don't tell me that I'm worthless
Don't tell me that I’ve failed
Don't tell me that I'm weak
And that I should just die
Trust me
I already know
I already believe it all
So don't tell me anything else
Don’t kick me while I’m down
Don’t tell me any more lies
Or I might just die tonight

Poetry is love
Love is complexity
Complexity is normal
Normal an illusion

You know me
At least you think you do
But you only know the me
That I let others see
You don't truly know me
You know facts

The real me is so much deeper
So much darker
You don't know what I keep inside
Afraid to let out
You don't know a lot of things

You don't know that every second I'm awake
is a battle for my life
You don't know that I cry myself to sleep
At night
You certainly don't know that there's a voice inside my head
Always screaming death
You don't know that I bleed to keep myself alive
Because lately
That voice is starting to make a lot more sense
And you have no idea how much it means to me
When you say that you care
You don't know so many things
When all you had to do was ask

Goodbye to all
Farewell for now
I’m sorry that I had to go
To all the friends I left behind
I’m really sorry I’m making you cry
I know you loved me
I loved you too
But your love couldn’t erase my pain
And Your love didn’t make me okay
I wish that it had
I wish it would have changed everything
But it didn’t, it changed nothing
Even with your love, I was still hurt
Even with your love, I was still weak
So I’ll say it again, one more time
I’m sorry that I couldn’t stay alive
I tried, oh God knows how I tried
I tried to stay alive
For you
For my family
Even for myself
But I suppose I just wasn’t strong enough
So goodbye to all
I bid thee farewell
Maybe one day, you’ll understand
Why I went out by my own hand

Some Days
I see you
Standing not far
from me
I don't know
how to tell you
I'm barely alive

I try to speak
I try to think
Highly of things
That have always hurt me
Does this mean
There's something wrong with me?

If you catch me in the halls
Or pass me in the streets
And you happen to see
That I am wearing red
Please know
It is not because I love it
I don't even like it
I wear red, because to me
The color red is a reminder
A reminder that I don't have to make myself bleed
To keep on living

When I write
I write with all of me
Because when I write
My writing shows me
What I always fail to see
It reveals hopes and fears
It reveals dreams and tears
It reveals the things that I can never say

Is growing older
Worth the pain
Of letting go
Of yesterday

Is growing older
Worth the cost
Of moving on
From everyone
You've left behind

I don’t know how
to live
now that I want
to be
alive

How do I live
in joy
now that i have
survived