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Since I can't have you
I'll write essays
On Richard Gansey
The III
vii
I haven't known you long enough
To be in this much hurt
And yet
You've gripped my heart
You won't let go
Even when you say
"I'm empty"
You say
"I have nothing"
You say
Except for your fingers drip
With my blood
My tears
Did you take those
Or did I hand them over?
vi
I'm embarrassed that
All my poems are
About how I struggle
Over you
Over the past
Over you

How dare you?
v
You're the first person I've met
Who doesn't move their arm at night
You pulled me in and closed your eyes
Straight away fell asleep
There are no terrors in your nights
As certain as night brings slumber
The sun will rise again for you

If I could  have a thread of that security
It would be warmer than any blanket
I've wrapped my lonely self in
iv
i wrote you a letter
and now i stare at
it, terrified to let
it go, untrusting
of the mailman of,
the planes, of the
weather, of releasing
control

i have all these
chains. i wish you
could see me slowly
sawing away. one
day, love, i'll stand
on my feet
iii
even if we never get
to touch again
do not think i won't
wish for it
in my desperate heart
nothing was braver
than you
ii
shaking hands mean nothing
this is one of the things i've
learned
since being with you
don't look for things which
aren't there
like hope
or a future
everything will be fine
nothing is trembling
except my soul
trying to balance
on a mashed heart
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