A day off from school, and nothing to do.
So here goes nothing, another letter to you.

words uttered and regretted
but silent still-
just ghosting by,
leaving no kind of trail.

a series of letters,
you somehow bother to read.
a lack of responses,
to which I have "no need".

A dull sort of pattern:
lines and spaces-
ink and not-
yet with so much meaning,
that the world has forgot.

still, they drift off
some grow heavy, and sink straight in.
reluctantly fleeting,
cover blown.
Whispers heard.
All senses now, on full alert.
Wanting a reply, but not at such a cost.
Knowing I am undeserving,
yet deserving of all the loss.

A dull sort of kindness.
an unsugarcoated truth.
I can't help but wish,
I wasn't a disappointment to you.

I can't help but bother,
wishing you wouldn't even dare.
giving words such meaning-
even words such as "care".

I am a sad kind of poet-
yet most never know it.

Just that kid in the corner.
dark room,
never known her.

Others, how they claim to know me-
But my sculpted facade,
hand designed-
by the clear streak of tragedy.
that is all they see.

Center of attention.
laughed at, and never with.
Respect my form of hiding.
It is all I have left.

Shape me, & mold me.
ground me down-
stand me up-
Dusted remnants standing still.
Blinks and stares,
tear through the silent air.

A shake of annoyance.
A twist of my neck.
"can't you see this isn't you?"-
"how dare you think like that."-

You're right.
It's not me.-
As cliché, as that may be.

A puppet at your service-
Fix the outside.
Top performance so they say.
But just one look inside,
and not a single light of day
rusted metal, grit, & oil.  

Fix the strings,
of most importance.
Once broken, soon brand new.
Nice firm tug.
just to Test Performance-
Aesthetics
Appeasing Quality
Of course, Don't you see?

Why of course not,
I would never hurt you.

Tug 'n tighten. Pull the cord.
until the collar stills no more.
Too numb to feel it, Tired & Tried.
Drug back against my will-
Fighting just to close my eyes.

One door closes, another one opens.
keep them both closed.-
Can't you listen?
Too much noise.
I can't stand it.
The door stills. Oh, for a moment-
but is yanked free.
The laws of nature,
so kindly ignoring my only plea.

Reality's firm grip on that cold handle.
Never giving.
Never quelling.

The only note of my existence,
forcing me to note such memories.

They flood back in,
through hidden doors.
Seeking refuge,
from places once stored.
The door always locked-
.. oh so long before.
Now open, mocking.
Here to settle the only score.-
The only thing bothered to be accounted for.

Revamp this puppet,
play my strings.
Gears groan from overuse.
Oil thinning, straight to thin.
Disappearing from existence,-
getting lost too deep within.
Gears grind in dissatisfaction.
Angrily forced to play along-
with such a sad,
unheard,
unforgiving song.

Giving in. Giving up.
Finally, to the abuse.
Just my luck, so lost and alone.
Doing this all, on my very own.

Don't touch me.
I can't take it.
Dizzied from the noxious fumes-
the memories spit back,
toxic to my wounds.

Never resting
always scared
of what lurks "right over there".
Childish fears never quite disappeared.
Gruesome company.
to one already so lonely.

So she slips down the hallway,
hair covering her eyes.
Nervous & skittish,-
Her hearing on overdrive.
One last glance over her shoulder
before slipping just inside
Sliding down,
echoes resound.
Cold tile, sniffling nose.
Vaguely aware of the chill spreading in her toes.

Arms crossed tight, protecting what's left of within-
Reminiscent, barely so
of just one missing, true friend.

Finally safe, my breathing escapes.
paper full,
pen in hand,
smears of ink-
just some peculiar squiggles.
Lines stilled, spaces dots
Dashed & Dotted.
Ink & Not.

My mark on this world,
One that can't be forgot.
Time frozen in place-
A gift for me, that you can't seem to see.

You walk right on past.
Reluctantly so,
sneaking glances through the glass.
Everknowing of my presence,
& that I hide myself away.
To you it is a dark corner.
Not a haven, a place to gather my thoughts.
Sorth them out & string them along-
until I reach the coherency of a single thought.

Peace at last,
my mind can rest.
Demons at bay,
no silent regrets.

Oh me?
I'm just that kid in the corner.
Dark room,
you've never known her.

A sad poet I may be-
But sad to you, isn't sad to me.
A mere relief.
My saving grace.
Just one of the pieces, I choose to embrace.

But that is that.
And I am me.

not quite as wrong, as the world fathoms me to be.

i'm eighteen and
my mind is running away

you're screaming
ranting and raving
but don't know you're
doing it and don't know
that i'm crawling
inside a cave where
nothing can touch me
except wanting to die

you were grumbling after
dinner that i don't talk
to anybody anymore
but you don't know that i'm
not lacking words i'm just
lacking the energy
that it would take to
use any of them

(flashbacks to all the times recently
you've complained i don't love you
anymore. to my whole lifetime of
wondering if you loved me at all)

i'm thirteen and
unaware of my anxiety
associated with existence
usually put in in writing as
"pressure". but you don't think
there's anyone pressuring me

i talk too much to too
many people and have
been hurt before. but
never in that abject
way of it being because
i set myself up for it

(emotions so haywire that i end
up hospitalized over a box of
broken cd cases. now that i
remember it i was rage cleaning
and would unquestionably have
an even worse reaction today)

i'm seven and
having another ocular
migraine even though
i don't know it

(the past as as brittle as the
uncooked spaghetti filched
from the box and wedging
between my crooked teeth)

my memory fails me
whether you steamed
your way through preparing
dinner in the kitchen of faded
herbal wallpaper with words
and woodgrain. if i've been
tuning it out all this time
only to notice recently

("you're just like me" you said today
my seven-year old self thinks that's cool
while my current self is wishing to
deck someone while saying nothing)

today and tonight when intrusive
memories keep coming back is when i
remember that if i don't automatically
see things from your side there will
be a row. despite the fact you have
never investigated my perspective

(you're complaining about how
badly you sleep and how it's my
fault for waking you up at
four a.m. but did you ever stop
to ask why the ******* your
daughter is awake at four a.m.)

"my whole body hurts" you said
having taken some chronic
illnesses for some light grocery
shopping and attend a reception
"so does mine" i said
having taken a dark cloud
with me to work and
a panic attack to the library
"mine hurts worse" you replied
"and how do you know that" i demanded
sweeping my sadness off the kitchen table
"because i just do"

i guess your problem is that you
don't know how to be in pain without
minimizing mine but how hypocritical
when i'm over here minimizing
your pain to justify the fact that
my brain is trying to **** my body

(one of these days i fear what
i don't say will get the best
of me and i will crack clean
in two. start screaming
through doors death threats
ending in quadruple homicide
accompanied by my own
swinging body. it's not that
i hate everyone i just hate
feeling like i hate everyone)

but for now i'm investigating the perspective
so startlingly clear that you never loved me
just did what was required of you and so by that
standard i never would have loved you either

When you came, he was not expecting you. Not even once it crossed his mind. “Don’t” He said to the mirror. You knew he was staring at you from distance and maybe it was enough or maybe it was not, but who knew?

You should have not given him any sign—whatsoever, if you would not stay, if you were only to make him suffered.
He was bath in fantasies yet fearing that he had no chance. Though you encouraged him to dive free into your world, without knowing how to swim?

You were not kind, but he preached you. To him, you were something that only existed in dream. His id and ego clashed like lightning and thunder. In war, fight or fly?

You might not be crazy about him. But he was. And maybe, he is still insane. Even, after all the torment and miseries you gave away for him.

I know for sure what he feels, or maybe I don’t.
*I am afraid I was him; maybe I, still, am him.

..i am nobody and
             yet i'm everybody..

            ..i'm free but still captured..
                     holy
              and the pagan..
                             ..still..but gone..

                       ..i'm who ever i choose to be..but still i don't
             really recognize the form i live in..

                              ..the mirror is false
                                      and true at the same moment..

                  ..and still i can't believe the geometry of
                                 being here..in the moment..& breath..

           ..holy and unwise..
                       ..cursed and blessed..loved and hated..
  
                         ..and is it/it is..
               all combine..together..

     ..without any real outcome..
                                ..this madness chuckle 's together
                 with me..or us..or them..

                        ..& i'm happy to know with out knowledge..

                  ..& the greatest regrets..

                                                      ..it's out there somewhere
                       are you there..?

i always wondered what it is you’d say to me after
all these years,
what kind of
explanation you’d give me after all these
tears.
we both knew when we met we’d inevitably go our separate ways,
but never like this-

and now,
you’re sat in front of me still as an idol.
who knew
one day you’d be my rival.
I once saw love and serenity when I stared into your eyes,
and now,
i see all the hate and chaos that overflowed your ugly lies.
i should’ve known better, and now your words are what have the noose around my neck tied-

i should’ve known better.
if I could un-write every word I’d ever had my ink laid, I’d do it.
just to take back every letter.
you used to make my heart flutter.
my thoughts slurred, and my speech stutter.
but now I’d rather choke on my words and make you watch me shudder.
face the face you destroyed,
Listen to the heart that beats no more,
and stare at the ears that hear no love.
you broke a human that was as strong as steel.
i want you to,
view the life you’ve been hiding from.
listen to the cries of the inner child you handed ***.

you broke a human that was as strong as steel,

and now

one thing he’ll never do again,

is feel.

Many seek knowledge all their lives
And certainly they attain it
Yet no seeker of knowledge
Has ever attained wisdom


This is for one singular reason
Knowledge does not lead to wisdom
No wisdom is only grasped
When one knows the truth


The wise man does not seek knowledge
For he knows this is vain
He begins his search at truth
Looking for its signs all about


And he finds them
In the bubbling brook
The swaying trees
And the quiet world around him


The sun of the day
Is his friend and companion
And the moon of night
Is his watchful guardian


His world is at peace
And ever shall it be
Even when all knowledge
Has passed out of memory

They say there is no God
Yet they bow to two gods
Not a city is without a shrine
Nor a home without their handiwork


Their gods are gifts not to be taken lightly
but they are not to be worshiped either
Their gods are appealing
Because you can change them


If you follow the laws of their gods
you would realize they stumble
Saying things contrary
To what they also call truth


They take pride in their facts
Yet often they crumble
And have to be rebuilt
From the ground back up


The worship of these gods will only grow
As they ever shift in the winds
Till the end of his days
May man bow down


To the gods of Science and Reason

I dream awake, then fall in space
To a strange, dark and forgotten place
The sky is grey the sun grows dim
In the distance I hear a somber hymn

Light leaves the sky, darkness falls
No moon rises above the walls
Twisted trees grow in place
Branches curve begin to lace

The grounds move, fall and rise
The winds sing of watching eyes
I try to move but there's no where to go
The darkness beckons As Above so Below

A beautiful young woman
Lived alone on the shore
Having lost her husband
In a far off war

Yet everyday she smiled
And walked along the beach
Peering across the sea
To a place beyond reach

In her wistful gaze
Did she hear a shrill sound
And when she turned she saw
A child on the ground

A brown haired boy
Crying in the sand
She quickly ran over
Scooping him up in her hands

She hushed the child
Amd held him tight
As the sun began to set
Leading into the night

She said "Come little one
Listen to the sea
Hold my hand
And walk with me"

His parents had abandoned him
To run off far away
Leaving that poor child
On the shore that fateful day

And though she wasn't his mother
She loved and cared for that child
Who grew up healthy
To be tall, strong and wild

The time came when that child
Free, began to roam
And the woman only smiled
When he departed and left home

Now again she was alone
Yet always happy never sad
She had raised a beautiful son
Of that she could be glad

Years past and one spring day
The boy returned to that shore
With his lovely wife
And the child that she bore

Now she could not hold back
The tears welling in her eyes
Having been alone so long
This was quite a surprise

That boy she had raised
Who was now a man
Smiled back at her
And held out his hand

He said "Sweet mother
Let's listen to the sea
Hold my hand
And walk with me"