And she fell and fell down the hole..Hit the bottom and remained there
Darkness and depression surrounded her
She was too weak to move or speak
And so weeks turned into month turned into years
One day she opened her eyes and a slice of bread lay in her lap
Hesitant at first she nibbled it
The next day there were two slices and she ate them
Time passed until she felt strong enough stand up
Determined she climbed up the hole again
Above the ground she was flashed by the sudden brightness
The cerulean blue sky
The soft breeze
The birds singing mellifluous songs
The sweet scent of honeysuckle….
She was not used to it
But she found bliss in all these things
Years passed but one day
She returned to the entrance of the hole with a wheelbarrow of soil
And filled it up until it was no longer
So that nobody could ever go there

Lost hair-am bold soon,lost bone mass-fracture when I sneeze,lost friends-well..had no to begin with,lost muscle mass-cannot stand,lost ***** functions-they teamed up and decided to strike,lost years-twenty to be correct,lost the ability to chew-the jaw bone gave up,lost dreams- only nightmares remained,lost strength- not capable to move my head from the pillow,lost weight-it is the same as the weight of a puppy,lost  brain cells-obviously otherwise I would not pursue self destruction ,lost sleep-kept awake by hunger,,lost my period-so no little baby girl Hazel,almost lost life multiple times…lost the promise of a bright future.

Bones piercing through bloodless skin
Bluish vessels winding their way....fueling my body
With what?
How to draw hope from the vacuum of my stomach?
But this is just the surface fire
Beyond are burning debris,
Coal black ashes lining the path to my broken soul

I am not meant for this world
The most striking insight i ever had
I am not capable of living
Not to insinuate i do not want to
WRONG - I crave it so dearly it hurts
But ordinary tasks overwhelm me
Other humans compute differently
Tending to my own needs does not come easily
And in the end of the day
I perch underneath the sequoia in my garden
Watch my silhouette fade in the diminishing light
And cry
Tears of sorrow

Do not give me your love
Give me hope
For love would just bind me
But hope....it would render me fearless enough
to venture out

You told me since I was a child that he was a villain
So how can I love myself
When I see HIS face in the mirror
Every single morning....

Is not the absence of somebody
But the presence of the true self
I am sick of playing a role i never auditioned for
Being subjected to judgemental eyes
Sometimes there are remnants of hope
To encounter the right person
Who could become a friend,a lover,a kindred spirit
But that desire is ephemeral
No,I must remain alone
Embrace the void,the vacant space,the stillness
For only here can i exist

You left us
But you are not gone
At least not for me