Sometimes
I sit on the floor
and wonder why
I am not
6 feet under.

What happened is
you needed me,
and I did not

I'm sorry
that all I ever did was
hurt you.

My head is spinning,
I want you happy sadly
It means I won't be.

When I was 12
I would sit and listen to
love songs and smile
and sing along,
and feel bad when people lost it.
I never understood,
how could someone be so sad?
"They are just a person"
I would think.

Now I know,
sitting up on late nights
looking at old photos
with tears streaming down my face.
Clutching my chest
wishing you were here.
Everyday is like a fight
to see how long it'll take
till you pop on my mind
and crush my soul.
Looking at the sky and knowing
somewhere you are there
and alone.

Now I know
and I hate it.

*** *** *** that's it?
I need to give it up to
make you love me more?

I really wish
I didn't break
now I'm here
on the floor
crying and wishing
you were here
to hold me close.

Like we used
to.
I hate
myself lately.
Because of how
I treated you
and how I made
you feel.
So here I am
wishing I wasn't
now I wish
I was dead.

All the time.