What do you do when your dream becomes your nightmare
and everyone around you acts like they don't care  
all they ever say is get over it
As if it wasn't hard enough to admit
That you're not okay
that you feel like you're insane
You're thoughts begin to fray
and all you feel is pain

you feel your heart grow numb
you feel worthless with every thought
no matter how far you've come
No matter how many battles you've fought

What matters is that you win today
That you're just keep breathing and healing
That you don't let the sorrow stay
No matter how bad you're feeling

Remember there's always a glimmer in the dark
that to ignite a fire - all it takes is a spark
That you have the power over your own mind
your hope is hiding - if you search, you'll find

Joy is on the horizon rising with the sun
Don't give up, your journeys just begun
Weeping may last through the night
But the stars still shine so bright

Healing is a harrowing endeavor
That is always rough and steep
Pain and fear don't last forever
Remember that as you fall to sleep.

You started with those Jokes again
I guess you don't understand yet
though I have told you and told you
that it bugs me when you pick on me

Why does it bug me?
several reasons.
I was bullied as a kid...
but mainly, because whether or not you see it,
you only do it for the glory.
You pick on me more when you're around your friends
You think my face is cute when I'm mad
You don't realize that all I see is you exerting power
the power to make me upset, the power only you have.

And there I am... Not wanting to say anything
I don't want to ruin your fun...
I don't want to take that feeling from you...
But, please see there is no glory in what you are doing...
That it is only fun, for one of us...
If you knew I felt this way...You wouldn't do it...
I don't say this to you... because I am afraid...
Afraid you would do it anyway...

I hate the dreams I have of us
Of that far day, when we had trust.
The day where you held my hand
Where you pledged you'd understand.
You said you'd never leave...
then why now do I grieve....?
I will not be tossed around
then thrown upon the ground...
I will rise up and move on
you won't know until I'm gone...

Don't bother reaching out anymore
Remember you chose to walk away
You turned your back - shut the door
Ill keep it locked - that's how it'll stay

I'm through being a puppet in this game
You can hate me for all I care
In the end it's all the same
Even if it isn't fair

Even if you're screaming - crying
The bridge is burned I won't answer the call
You won't find me don't bother trying
I refuse to watch you fall

Don't you dare say you love me - not now
It wouldn't do you any good it'll just hurt
It isn't really true anyhow
At this point I won't hear it - just divert

So I will whisper goodbye on the breeze
Ill kiss my past farewell
Ill let the love I had for you freeze
Its already so close - I can tell

You ruined everything we once had
I needed you and you left me to decay
I will do the same - isn't it sad
That there's nothing left to say

I had to say my goodbyes
It's the only way to heal
Now my heart and soul cries
Yet I can't force myself to feel

Tears hide behind my eyes
I choke back my wrath
I put on a happy guise
While my thoughts are on a warpath

I can't separate truth from lies
Or feel any warmth from my past
Another part of me dies
It drowns in the sea so vast

I won't become what I despise
Bitter - Holding back the emotions
Even if it brings me to my demise
I'd rather drown in sorrows oceans

Another year gone time flies
Another heart is broken
Yet the sun will rise
Like a breathless whisper spoken

My thoughts ****** toward azure skies
Hoping someone hears my call
Listening for an answer - the wind implies
That my fear will be my downfall

I've been lost and all alone
Never finding a home
Fighting battles on my own
Or so I thought it had to be
Until God laid his grace on me

I pushed my will until it shattered
Loved until my heart was battered
Until all my thoughts were scattered
So I give Him my thoughts will and heart
As I pray for a brand new start

In my darkest hour I'll sing your praise
In the valley of death, I'll have no fear
I will still worship you all of my days
Because you proved your love to be sincere
Jesus gave up His life for me
He rose up to conquer death and the grave
He did it all to set us free
He lived, died, and rose for our souls to save
He sent down the Holy Spirit to be our guide
It spreads God's wisdom and love
It shows us grace and mercy from the inside
As it rains down from the Father above

in riddles and laughter
our minds entwine
as your eyes meet mine

And in the struggle to find my words
That have escaped my lips
something inside me rips

and out comes pouring my stories
That I've only wished to tell
you released me from my hell

I was burdened with lonely silence
terrified of the impending fall
but once I leapt from the edge
I wasn't scared at all

and in that moment
thoughts zooming in my head
my face flushes red

It seems my hands caught on fire
The moment that yours touched mine
Also then, I left all my fears behind

and that first kiss
will not be forgotten soon
Under light rain
And in the light of the full moon

now we walk hand in hand
Down the road together
Destined to share our path forever

Hello I am a recovering doormat

I have some things to say
Mainly to the people - who won't care anyway

How was I supposed to feel secure
After all the things I had to endure
After you treated me like a pest
Even when I tried my best
All I did was try to make you proud
Even when my mind got loud
With all the evil things that you'd  say
Like you never loved me anyway

You raised me to be your puppet

Then when I wouldn't play along
You told me I was in the wrong
No wonder I looked for love in all the worst places
You stole my self worth and told me that's what grace is

So I split myself into a hundred pieces

To try to solve the puzzle you dumped on me
To try to fit into this 'family'
You even used God to shame me
But in my heart I know he doesn't  blame me

You were the ones that shattered my mind

Then you pointed and said "look she's crazy"
You stole my motivation  waited til I was down and said "look she's  so lazy"
I was your therapist and only friend
And you destroyed me in the end

I  could have forgiven ALL of that

But then you took from me all I hold dear
You stole my reality and handed me fear
You poisoned my oldest child against me
When I wouldn't  be like you - you took my family

I don't  get to see my babies grow up now
Because of your twisted half truths and filthy lies
I want so badly to move on but I don't  know how
I try to smother my rage and just pray it dies

But then I remember their faces, thier  laughter
And all the life that comes after
Our final goodbyes
With tears in my eyes
I plead with God to guide me
To place His peace back inside me

The peace you took from me
That you spit on and lit on fire
But you just wait and see
Well I'll rise from the funeral pyre
And finally set myself free

I don't know what's left of me
After you ripped out the best of me
You stole all of my creativity
You took my sight so I couldn't see
Past everything you seemed to be
To the core that you're my enemy
Now I'm haunted by the memory
Of who I was before there was you and me
I feel lost and I'm shaking
Stuck in the mistakes I keep making
I'm still on the verge of breaking
While the world just keeps on taking
Every part of myself that I loved most
Scattering my heart from coast to coast
So to the wretched past I make this toast
A bitter farewell to your ghost
You won't haunt me anymore
I demand you leave and I'll lock the door
Leave the pieces of me on the floor
I'll fix myself - my heart will be restored
I'll burn this bridge behind you
My memories won't even find you
I know in the end I'll pull through
I'll take this life and make it new

I try to keep myself distracted
From my breaking mind and heart
Over thinking how I overreacted
Trying to get the healing to start

The harder I try to heal
The more I feel attacked
The less I know what is real
The less I know how to interact

My words come out forced and slow
As my mind runs in a circle
My anger blooms and begins to show
Is this fight eternal?

Crying alone on the inside
Screams echo through my mind
It feels like I already died
In this darkened grave I lay confined

The thunder in my chest
Just won't rest
I've done my very best
And yet
The anger grows - my eyes darken
I exhale
Confusion mounts
The air is stale
My words taste bitter
I'm afraid
Of the past and future
The mistakes I've made
My heart grows darker
It's full of hate
This self loathing
Has got to change
I'm Lost in the wilderness
My soul so jaded
****** amongst these beasts
Have I faded
To a shadow of my former self
What have I become
I'm the shade of black in my heart reflected
I'm still so numb
I'm the sum of the love I've rejected
A pearl of wisdom
Cast before swine
Pining for love
That was never mine

He is the only key to the jail cell in my mind
He is the only peace I will ever find
He is the only one who gives me grace
He is the only one who truly sees my face
He is the only one who sees past the mask
He is the only helper I'd feel okay to ask
He is the one in which I can confide
He is the one that doesn't make me feel like I have to hide
He is the only one who can save me from my hell
He is the Savior that I know I can always tell

Don't you ever give up
Don't you let go
Don't give up on the world you know
Just because the way is steep
There is so much more life to reap
You will gather together
Your joys and your sorrows
and make for yourself a better tomorrow

Are you really living
are you alive and breathing
Is your heart beating to the drum
Look how far you've come
What have you learned
What have you earned
what did it cost
have you lost are you lost

Do you need for me to find you
Does the morning sun blind you
The twilight is your time
When your true colors show
Its when you want the world to know
What is inside you
Don't think you have to hide you
Especially not from me
Please feel free
Feel the pulse of this life
Don't you see
That all the strife
The misery,
The pain and sorrow
Give you strength for tomorrow
So
Don't ever give up
Don't you ever let up
This storm will pass
You will ready for the next one

You will fly
You'll pass by
All the stress you feel now
It will teach you how
How to hold on and work it through
And it will show in all you do
Don't worry about whats around the next bend
Don't feel like you're falling again
You will never be alone in your troubles
To drown in your pain
I will pull you out,
Don't let the world drive you insane

Don't let others control how you feel
you are in charge, you know whats real
Don't let them sway you
Don't let them betray you
Keep your guard up
and stand your ground
they can never knock you down

But don't be afraid of me
I will let you see
All the pain and misery insecurity
The scars on my heart
what tears me apart
so you can see
how I bleed
that we both bleed red
And all of the things I have told you
Know I really want to hold you
We can keep each other
With our heads above the water
Knowing we won't falter
Giving each other our love and trust
even if the world looks on with disgust
Because we are birds of a feather
we are the same, and we flock together
Our hearts beat as one
To the same drum
And with all these words
That I spill on the pages
What I say never ages
Because the words ring true
Until the world is through
I Love You.

Those words aren't enough
They are said too much
There's no way to describe it
Especially in english
And there's no rhyme or reason
for the way that I'm feeling
But
I love you
I love you
I love you.

The cigarettes burn a hole
Right through my soul
But the feeling makes me know I'm alive
It reminds me of how I survived

I relive how I suffered every day
The living nightmares never go away
I never get a break from the thoughts in my head
Don't mourn me when I am finally dead

The grave is not something I fear
I will greet death as a friend so dear
Don't cry for me when I go home
I will be free from the pain I've always known

I am not eager to leave this life behind
I will go when it's the time that's assigned
Don't get the wrong idea - I don't want to die
I just want to live for more than to cry

I know that I'm blessed with each breath that I take
I should be thankful for each love and each ache
I grow so tired of the taste of sorrow
But I know it builds strength for tomorrow

I know there will eventually be rest
From the pain I carry in my chest
I know deep down where my home is
I know I can find peace, for I am His

Memories tarnished with loss
A life weighed down with fear
Who could bear this cross
Living life at the end of a spear

We do not carry the pain on our own
Even though it seems that way
We never carry the cross alone
All we need to do is pray

The pain may never disappear
But in time it may subside
We may never be rid of the fear
But we won't always have to hide

Hold on to hope, believe with all your might
See Life as a worthy adversary
Prepare each day for the fight
In time the weight will get easier to carry

The still small voice that helps you cope
That is your savior- within you
Begging you to hold on to the end of your rope
The one that presses you to continue

Life is not over - it just feels that way
Do not let the demons win the fight
Do not take your life - I beg you please stay. stay focused - do not lose sight

The broken spirit cries out for love
Her mind rejects the notion - Feeling unworthy
Her heart yearns for God above
For heavens peace to calm her thoughts flurry

Alone through life - no one to lean on
Always to be the one who has to be strong
She carried her cross and many others
She was the burden - The reminder of the pain
for her sister, mom, children, and brothers
HER Trauma was the storm that brought the rain

She was blamed for the past of them all
She was shamed for how the pieces fall
When they cast the stones in the first place
When they handed her grief  and stole her grace

So she called herself Hope as a joke
because its what always eluded her - what she always needed most
She tried to be a beacon for those that were lost
but couldn't find herself through the cost

So she opened her eyes to the deception
She found she didn't recognize her reflection
She couldn't find a home though introspection
She searched and searched for recollection
How long had she lied
behind the smile - she cried
But this Honesty would spur her resurrection

She saw through the lies they had fed her
She remembered how the past had bled her
of all self worth - all her joy was torn asunder
But this time she wouldn't be pulled under
Deep onto the abyss of her sorrow
where most of her life she had dwelt
she would see the dawn with new eyes tomorrow
and let that rain wash away the shame she felt

As she sifts through the rubble and ash
of an old life she can not get back
she will rise like a phoenix taken in flame
And one day they will remember her name
They will regret the words that they said
as they realize they are immortalized
in the words that they've read

Her beginnings were rougher than most
Every turn seemed to get worse
She learned to lean on her heavenly host
This alone helped her handle her curse
Life dragged her from trauma to trauma
At least she had her children's love
Her most cherished name for herself, was 'momma'
She looked for wisdom from above

Then her children were taken
she fought off the waves of emotion
she fought off feeling forsaken
she fought being drown in this ocean
that threatened to swallow her faith up in doubt
That drained her - That strained her
to figure all of this trauma out

Of all that made her feel broken
this was by far the very worst
Yet her prayers still never go unspoken
she refused to remain feeling cursed
Because she would live for Christ -
For HIM she would hunger and thirst

A life filled with uncertainty
That spills upon a page
A heart bled dry and empty
Torn apart through its age

So young and yet so tired
Songs unsung, as poems wither unspoken
A mind lost and uninspired
A soul fractured - feeling broken

How long can one live in misery
How wrong can things grow to be
How long can this burden be carried
How long until I am free?

Do I keep my self caged
In a past I can't change?
In fear of the future - All that's left is rage
Have I become deranged?

What IS insanity
What is normalcy?
What is this? Is it vanity?
No - Because I don't love me...

So how do I continue
To pretend that I am okay?
Lies are not a cure for what's true
How can I face the day?

When does surviving
Turn into thriving
When do the shadows and pain
finally fade or wane

Making a way for a new day
without the burdens of the past
or the heavy fear that love won't last
How - When - Why all questions carved on my heart
When does life become art
How do I make a new start
Why was my life torn apart.

Falling from on high
I plummet
through the beautiful sky
The ocean rushes up to meet me

I flew way up on wings
of feathers and wax
As my heart did sing
Your warnings I did not heed

I couldn't hear over my heart like a drum
  or over the wind
I was greatly overcome
With my first taste of feeling free

I'm falling I'm falling
Into the depths
You're calling You're calling
for my death swiftly comes from the sea

I don't want to say hello because I hate to say goodbye
Everyone always leaves in the end no matter how hard I try
I never knew I'd lose everyone I  thought loved me
they turned their backs or I lost them because of insecurity
I'm scared of living more than I fear dying
With the first there's more disappointment, anguish and lying
When I mask the pain so no one else can see
With the other there's peace, bliss and finality
It is the last goodbye I'd ever have to say
But I'm still thankful for every blessed day

It's so dark in here
Dark in here

I'm stuck deep in my fear
Deep in my fear

You used to let me out
Let me out

Now our mind is filled with doubt
Filled with doubt

I'm just your inner child

I'm you - before you were defiled

I was the you before you learned to fake a smile

Come talk to me for a while

Give me a hug
Show me the love
We only dreamed of

Give back to me what they stole from us
The peace and the joy we had before all the cuts
Before all the brutal betrayal all the knives in our back
You were me once - before your life turned black
You locked me away
With no words to say
You thought you were keeping me safe
But you weren't.

Now I'm just scared of being alone
I'm more scared of people
Then being on my own
Because of the monsters they all have shown
But being locked away - now the pain has grown

I wish you could see me
I wish you could hear me
I wish you could free me
I wish you could be me

I'm the inner child crying
I'm your inner child -
And I'm dying

What do you do ...
When the illusion of intrusion
never seems to go away
When you have to fight off fantasies
of being gone today
When they won't stop no matter
how fervently you pray
When the delusions of anger and fears
Always get in your way
When they fight tooth and nail
Like they have a right to stay
The voices crowd your mind
Saying just come and play
But you know what's waiting for you
In thier demented game
So you do what you can
To shut them out and turn away
But they paint all your memories
In shades of black and grey
You just wish for a single moment
Where You  feel okay
And you want to cry every time
Someone asks how are you today
When your life's torn apart
Your mind lost in disarray
Then your trust seems to fade
While your hope begins to decay
When your heart feels like stone
And all you feel is dismay
Your sanity clings to threads
Your anxiety puts on a display
When you ask for a moment
Your mental repairs are underway
But really in your mind
your worst fears and memories are on replay
The anger bubbles up
And you want the world to pay
For what they took from you
But there's nothing left to say
You don't know how to articulate the pain
Or the thoughts you have to convey
So you don't feel so locked away
With the darkness that tells you
That its here to stay
You feel Your thoughts begin to fray
And your mind just saddles on you all of the blame and shame of a past you wish you could slay
Like a monster that seeks you out as its prey
I've learned it takes a lot of courage to say
I'm not well I need help I'm not okay

You struck the match
That lit the bridge on fire
As it began to catch
My life joined the pyre

You pointed and said
"She is out of control"
You pulled the thread
It unraveled my soul

You left me shattered
And uninspired
My mind battered
My heart grows tired

You erased all my doubt
I finally stood up and turned away
I finally cut you out
With the knife you gave me anyway

I just started to feel alive
The fear of death swells again
My heart begins to dim - it fails to thrive
My smile slides away - put on for a friend

My tears fall like summer rain
The joy mixes with the pain
I forget who, and where I am - at last
Surrounded suffocating by failures past

Rain on me your wisdom
In loud song or whispered verse
Take from me this burden
Lift me from this horrid curse

Lay down beside me
And teach me all you know
Let me rise from the ashes
And bask in the fire's glow

Revive in me my vigor
And thirst for all things new
Let me sing again in the rain
And dance in the morning dew

Let me find the grace
Through the worlds many snares
Soothe me with your mercy
Please heed my many prayers

I'm lost in this evil time
With fears of being forgotten
I've been pushed down over and over
My soul is so downtrodden

Do you hear my cries to you
That echo through my mind
Maybe you're testing me
A warrior in me - you'll find

A fighter that's grown weary
In need of much redeeming
A fractured mind and soul
Looking for you intervening

Have I squandered my existence?
Do my laments reach your ears?
Do you think I'm worth saving?
Can I cast on you my fears?

I was the victim.
I was the beaten.
I was the ravaged.
I was forsaken.

I had no faith.
I had no strength.
I put the smile on to cover it...

But now... Something has changed..
I never felt this way.

I am happy.
I am strong.
I am faith-full.
I am me.

I let go of fear
I let go of blame
I let go of anger
I let go of shame

I let myself see
The value in me.

Let's play pretend
Pretend we're kids again
Back when smiles came naturally
Before our hearts were casualties

Let's play pretend
Make believe we're still friends
Back when we laughed for hours
Before the world turned sour

Let's play pretend
Imagine love with no end
Back to the beginning
Before the demons were winning

Let's play pretend
Like a message in an bottle we send
To someone in an imaginary land
Before we could really understand

Let's play pretend
Learn to smile again
Faking it isn't the same
Faking a smile to hide the shame

Imagine if we could remember
The final sparks of a dying ember
Of the hope that carried us on the wind
When we would play pretend

We fled across all the seven seas
In our ships with billowed sails
We had it all, in just the breeze
and entire countries on our tail

Down the rivers and the streams
We raced through the summer haze
This was what made up our dreams
Until our love became a maze

We got ******* in disappointment and words thrown
Like stones to build the maze up higher
I felt like all my dreams were dashed, and love had flown
But we scaled the dark tower to the crest of hopes Spire

Your eyes make me forget the moon
that is something that has never consumed  - me
Luna and Music were my only friends
after all of the parties would end

I was always filled with anger and darkness and spit in my eye
and a ******* to anyone who passed me on the fly
Somehow I got lost in your eyes again today
I felt my mind begin to fray
you touched my hair, he nudged my face
I felt out of place

Erratic nature and a spirit unbroken
unbridled fury and whispers spoken
friends holding hands, lovers; true
But most of all I like time spent with you
talking or laughing just doing what you do
I don't think you know I admire you too.

From Day 1 My eyes lit up
Embarrassment hid it away
If I had let it my heart would have flown away
It fluttered in my chest, my hands started to sweat
What was coming over me
Made me want to flee!

Raise the sails and red flags.
Fly the black flag under the moon
your advice I like the most
Is flee from doom and gloom.

I just let them call me broken
Because they make it hard to speak
I can't help it I'm soft spoken
I can't help it that I feel so weak

After the abuse had ended
The words continued in my head
These voices I had befriended
Seemed to only want me dead

They keep me trapped in my past
Like a phantom
They keep me locked up in the dark
With no key
They keep me from feeling freedom
Because the voices all come from me

Pain took hold of my senses
Fear stole the breath from my chest
I tried to bolster my defenses
I thought it was for the best

Every thought feels like a blade
That rips right through my soul
In the prison my mind has made
My personal hell swallows me whole

All I did was cage myself in with the beast
That the monsters had made out of me
It tears me apart, my heart as its feast
I built walls so no one else can see

The echos of my tears and sorrow
Travel through my wounded mind
I can't believe I'll be better tomorrow
I just pray its hope that I find

At the end of the day
when the light fades away
All the world is sleeping
I'm stuck staring at the ceiling
I'm trapped in the cycle
Of fear and survival
Wondering what it is I'm feeling
I'm not numb but I'm not seething
The pit in my chest
Swallows my rest
My mind just keeps on reeling
I guess they call this 'dealing'
Dealing with pain and stress
Wondering why I'm such a mess
My life crumbled down
Without a sound
I sift through the debris like I'm stealing
I guess they call that "healing"
I miss you so much
I guess I've lost touch
In my mind I'm watching you leaving
It just keeps on repeating
I guess they call this "grieving"

Thank you for your hospitality
Thank you for what we used to be
Thank you for what you meant to me
Thank you for setting me free
Thank you for showing me finally
What I can become...
Reminding me of where I'm from

For washing away the rain
from my eyes
When all I could do
was lay down and cry

For showing me that I am all I need
That I can get up while my heart bleeds
For all the advice that I should heed

Thank you for the time we had
Thank you for the good and the bad
Thank you for teaching me to
Look up Look up
When all I see is the empty cup

For holding my hand
Making me understand
that I am worth it...

I was worth it...
..
am I worth it?


For all the moments that we shared
for being someone who cared
for holding me when I was scared
for giving love, unimpaired

I wish that I was more

I wish I could belong

I wish we weren't wrong...

Wishing never got me anywhere
I still can feel my heart tear
Why does this life have to be so unfair
Why look at me with teeth bared
remember what we shared?
remember when you cared?
can't you see I'm scared?


I will always hold you, in my heart
Though I may never hold you, in my arms
I pray you never fall to any harm


Go, Live your life
and I'll live mine
and remember life, from another time
and be missing you...
missing you..

The monsters hide behind kind faces
In places where they can't let thier intentions be known
They keep their mask up until they get you alone

Then they have you and grab you to pull you under thier toxic spell
Leaving you broken alone and clinically unwell

They portray you as crazy with what they say to your friends and family
So in the end they insure everyone leaves

Narcissistic parasitic vampire that feasts on your fears
They shatter you and leave you drowning in tears.

After they are done and they've won  they take with them your sanity
So everywhere you go monsters are all you see

I've lost everything
All meaning to live
All urge to keep breathing
my mind funnels through a sieve
It divides the joy and the sorrow
The fear and the pain
The darkness of tomorrow
From the soft summer rain
I stand in the middle of all of my grief
I search for an answer
Yet find no relief
The pain grows like a cancer
Heavy and deep in my chest
I don't want to go on without you
But they say its for the best
Those words sting, in ways I never knew

What do I do with all of the tears
Will they cause me to drown?
Where do I put all the fears
Before they put me in the ground

I won't give up because I know you're out there
Wondering if I am okay
Although this life has been far from fair
I will keep breathing through today

I won't give up the love we have shared
I won't let losing you **** me
I know it is my cross to be bared

I had never known a love like ours
I never stopped to smell the flowers
I never took the time
Until I called you mine.

You brought me love, and life
You took my pain and strife
You gave me wings so I may fly
You gave me peace I can’t deny

I will walk with you forever
Through any lesson, or endeavor
I will be there, holding your hand
I will always understand
Thank you for the love you give

I've worn this mask for far too long
Pretending always that nothing's wrong
I always had to be the one to be strong always seeking Somewhere I Belong

The mask sinks it's Talons into my skin
I don't know where I end and The Mask begins
It seems now to be wearing thin
I thought it protected me- but it is my sin

It's the lie that I show to the world
The lie I've worn since I was a little girl
I was trained to hide all my pain
I was constrained to pretend I'm sane

I became the mirror to all who peered in
I withdrew to the iron and porcelain cage Within
Pretending always in this unending ruse
Hiding every tear and every bruise

Pretending I wasn't abused
Leaving my conscience more confused

I faked it so long I lost who I am
Condemning myself - feeling ******
No one needs to see my strife
So I've stayed hidden away all my life

Always in fear of what the world would do
If they found out my truth - if they knew
So I sublimated myself as I grew
Speaking my truth to only a few

Most often when I finally shared
My fear was realized - they abhorred me - or didn't care
Now it seems I can no longer hide
Because I can feel myself slowly dying inside

What will I do when my mask shatters
What will you do - I guess that's what matters
Will you also cast me away
Or will you still choose to stay

I've been convicted
By my own mind
Because I am conflicted
From my life being in a bind

My heart is broken
My soul is bereft
I am trapped - soft spoken
Half of me is left

You were my favorite part of me
What have I become with out you
You smiles alone set my mind free
Now I'm a hollow human forever blue

The silence is just too much
The lack of your laughter drives me insane
My silence is hell - music my crutch
I can't even find pleasure in rain

Because I'm drowning in brackish waters
That flow from my own eyes
As I think of my sons and daughter
As we again, say our goodbyes

I'm not strong enough to let you go
But not stable enough to keep you
I pray each day you know
My love will always run true

My sentencing is life forever lonely
Arms that feel so empty and weak
I will hold this place in my heart for you only
Until we meet again..my life is bleak

The rustling song of midnight
brushes through her hair
the solemn summer rain
takes away her cares

She gets lost in nature
to find her secret bliss
She listens to the moonlight
and feels its soft kiss

It steals her away from worry
as she lets herself feel calm
It reminds her of life's beauty
On her heart it inscribes its psalm

The night is a reminder
to be thankful for the sun
It all is a reminder
of a creation so perfectly spun

She is thankful for the darkness
She is thankful for the rain
She is thankful for the sunshine
She is even thankful for the pain

It all reminds her that she is living
Though most times she feels like stone
But she looks up to the heavens
And Thanks God she's not alone.

Another year older
The world gave me the cold shoulder
I've grown a little bit bolder
But I wasn't built to be a soldier

I am tired in this war
with little strength
and less to fight for
I feel like I am knocking on a door
that will never open

Life rocked me like a baby
then threw me from the nest
while everyone looked at my broken life
and whispered its for the best

The air was robbed from my chest
my heart torn from my breast
this silence steals from me my rest
I'm a  mess

Their faces shine in my mind
their voices ring like echos down empty halls
I hear their calls for mommy
and feel myself fall
as my muscles unwind

I reach for them in my dreams
but they are always further than it seems
too far to touch or hold
they can't hear my screams
'Mommy's here to love you,
I put no one else above you
I need you night and day
without you my heart has flown away
I am always stressing about how you are
I know we are so far
but baby look up at the stars, I am too
and when I see the moon
I only think of you
I pray you sleep
like the angels are there to keep
all nightmares away.
My love is never ending
I hope you feel the prayers I keep on sending
that they take away your fears
your tears
and give you a new beginning
where happiness is abounding
with a peace that is astounding
Love is bountiful if you seek it

I miss you all so much I sometimes can't bear it
I can't sleep without seeing your faces
In all of our old places
I think I learned what God's grace is

I wish I had found out sooner
I wish I had not taken our time for granted
because the love that God has planted
will never ever wither

I'm not ready  to let you go
I'm not ready for goodbye
I want you to know
My love will never die
And you will always be my babies
and when I look up to the skies
All I see are your beautiful eyes

In every child's face I see your smile
Its replaced with you and me
Holding hands carefree'

God - why does this feel like dying
why hours of useless crying
What have I been denying
Why is this life so terrifying
Why do I always feel alone
Why is my heart turning back to stone
Except when I hear their voices through the phone
that is the only joy I've got, then its done
and I am alone with my thoughts
they are polluted and they drown me
in brackish waters
as I think of my sons and daughter
and where I went so wrong
how I must have failed all along


The Lord giveth & The Lord taketh away
but at least - all of my babies are alive today.
Thank you.

He spoke in tongues of demons
That dwell within his mind
But could also converse with angels
in the tongues of their own kinds
And as you look into his eyes
and see not an ounce of faith
It had been taken from him
and thus he'd become a wraith
a wailing spirit longing
For heavens cool embrace
He wanted to find his peace
but fear was etched upon his face
He did not want rejected
for his heart could not bear it
So he wandered life in misery
Through God his sins were acquit
Sanity seemed to flee
And doubt replaced his love
And all the while he reached out
To his God above
Fear replaced joy
Had the demons won?
They stripped him of everything
would he be undone?
He wanted to climb out
of the hole that he had made
And every time he fell again
His heart would also fade
Love could reach down
and pull the man back out
if only he would grab her hand
and let her erase his doubt.
Peace, Love and understanding
Is all I want for him to have
To quell his anger, quench his thirst
and finally again hear him laugh.

Through my trifling life I wander
As my recollection muses, I ponder
What if I treated myself fonder
Treated my time wisely and didn't squander

A moment passes and it's gone
A new begining comes with each dawn
Why spend each day withdrawn
Overthinking the agony beyond

All life has worth it should be treasured
Except mine? How can worth be measured
Why should I always feel pressured
I mean - look at all the storms I've weathered

You'd think I like me. You'd be wrong
I try my best to always stay strong
I keep on singing a victory song
Yet I fear I'll never find where I belong

A burden since birth
That's all she was worth
At least what every one taught her
Then came the shame
She must be to blame
After the monsters sought her
She doubted all peace
She received no release
From her past that would always haunt her
The demons that lived in her dreams
And would silence her screams
They lived in her mind to taunt her
But did she let them in
Where did it begin
Was it inherited from her mother or father
She'd sink into her mind
Looking for something good to find
But the voices echoed "why bother"
Stuck in the flesh
Finding no rest
Haunted by scars, trauma and fear
No clear path to victory
Through all of life's mystery
So hurt she can't shed a tear
Her somber heart breaks
With every breath she takes
But she will push through til tomorrow
She will see the dawn
She will stay strong
Not allowing herself to succumb to sorrow