When good memories fade into bad dreams
Where do you go next?
When you find out love isn't what it seems
When you feel torn and vexed.

Conflicted in heart mind and soul
And the only one who can help you won't
Because your heart - they stole
they begged you to change but you don't

What do you say
When the thrill fades away
All that's left is ashes
And I'm holding the matches

Self aware and self destructive
Like gasoline on a funeral for shattered aspirations
But the love you show is seductive
And yet I am the cause of your exasperation

Don't deny what we both know as truth
Its ironic if you do
Don't waste on me another moment of youth
To your heart be true

We are standing at a crossroad
Make a choice. Follow that road and don't look back
How could either of us have known
That our courage and trust would crack.

As the walls that once guarded my heart
Fall upon our blossoming love
Don't let my hands tear you apart
Rest in guidance from above

Are we at an impasse
Are we headed for a breakdown or breakthrough
Will our love be able to last
Please God, Tell me what to do

I leave it up to You.

You silenced my voice
Because you're afraid of what I'd say
You barr my exit
Because you fear I won't stay
You excuse your behavior
But scared at the end of the day

Was what I said too far?
Did I steal the peace away?
Did I fail once again?
What price is there yet to pay?

You'll get away scott free
With no definitive recompense
The only cost - Is me
Does that make any sense?

You're so full of fear
That you turn into anger
You can't even hear
The incoming danger

You're so caught up
in how you were brought up
That you can't grow past it
Can you grasp it?

Truth abounds and bears fruit so sweet
It seizes your heart and makes you complete
If you choose to rise above the storm and fear
If you are willing to face the demon you see in the mirror
The dawn awakens the faith you breathe in
It abolishes the hate you seem to seethe in

Let the darkness in your heart fade away
The light breaches the horizon - seize the new day

You will find whatever it is you seek
You will find your strength or what makes you weak
Whatever you feed within you grows strong
The beauty is you had the strength all along

Take accountability for your own healing
Don't spend your nights staring at the ceiling
Wondering when your life will get better
Instead - write yourself a letter.
Heartfelt and full of compassion
As if written to a friend - needing distraction

Seek after wisdom from heaven above you
Rest in Christ who just wants to love you
Find your mind becoming renewed
Don't let the message become misconstrued

Confront the demons that hold you
Forget all the lies the world sold you
Remember you are what you think you are
Remind yourself - you're a rising star

You ascend up - high in the sky
Finding the faith that makes your spirit fly
Faith in God and yourself as His creation
Finding grace, peace and lasting elation.

I've been increasing my vibrations
To an elevated frequency
Thinking on a higher level
Noting the synchronicity

Following my heart and passions
and the steady stream of dopamine
Learning exponentially
How to fulfill my hopes and dreams

Focusing on love and light
And the many blessings
Not everything has to be a fight
I'm carried away on new wings

It's amazing what it can do
When you choose to believe in you
When you make every promise true
Feeling your faith makes you new

Find out what makes you feel
Like you're full of life and love
Do more that makes you feel real
Rest in peace sent from above

Critical acute depression
Married to social anxiety
They drove me to a psych session
Because I hated being me

On and off psychosis
Paired with dissociation
Led to a new diagnosis
And a more in depth evaluation

Life long trauma formed severe PTSD
Intrusive thoughts by the minute
Nightmares and paranoia surround me
Where is the limit?

I sought out the help I need finally
I don't know why it took me so long
I'm tired of walking through life lifelessly
I'm realizing more and more - I'm strong

Hey, I know you've been having a rough time
I know life hasn't been everything you thought it would be
I know the daily battles keep you in your mind
I wish you could witness the you I see

I know you've built a thick callous around your heart
That you feel like you need to keep everyone out
I know you feel like the world has torn you apart
I know there are things that plague you, that you don't talk about

I'm always here if you need a friend
If you need to lean on me
If you can't fake it or pretend
That's okay I get it - be the way you have to be

If you want to scream do it
I'll be a sounding board
I will try to help you pull through it
You don't have to do it on your own accord

I've been hurt and battered
This life has been far from easy
But look at us - we haven't shattered
Remember I'm here if you need me

Take a walk through my mind
See what there is to see
You'd be shocked at what you'd find
Lurking inside of me.

Walls of wrought iron and cold steel
Higher that you'd ever expect
If you made it passed and saw what they reveal
You'd see memory lane - forgotten and derelict

A castle beyond - rising through the clouds above
Far off in the distance can be seen
Seemingly robbed of joy and love
Just before you a forest green

The trees are wide their canopies dark
They blacken out the sky
You can not even see a spark
As it flashes in their eyes

You feel surrounded and yet there's nothing
As you traverse the haunted place
This is where dreams die - your blood is rushing
You look back as if you're being chased

Your heart is pounding harder now -
Than it ever has before
They can only hurt you if you allow
Them to sink into your core

You hear water you realize
As you quicken the pace
Suddenly you see the skies
And a very lovely place

A field of ash trees in the dwindling light of day
A clear babbling brook
Many sprites and other fae
Like a scene out of a charming book

They sing a song that sounds like spring
As you watch them play
They spin around in a mushroom ring
A beautiful display

They lead you through a final copse of trees
There you find the road
The fae are carried away on the breeze
Their favor on you bestowed

As you walk the sun sets
Shadows are all around
The darker it is the quieter it gets
Your heart the only sound

You kick along a cobblestone
As the harvest moon rises high
You feel utterly alone
Then you see a raven in the sky

If you follow it all the way home
It will lead you straight to me
To the castle I built on my own
Was the time worth the journey?

I've started a Facebook and Tiktok for my art and spoken word poetry called Uncontained Artist.
If you'd be interested in seeing my face hearing me read please seek me out there.
I'll continue to write here.

Thank you.

At the end of the day
when the light fades away
All the world is sleeping
I'm stuck staring at the ceiling
I'm trapped in the cycle
Of fear and survival
Wondering what it is I'm feeling
I'm not numb but I'm not seething
The pit in my chest
Swallows my rest
My mind just keeps on reeling
I guess they call this 'dealing'
Dealing with pain and stress
Wondering why I'm such a mess
My life crumbled down
Without a sound
I sift through the debris like I'm stealing
I guess they call that "healing"
I miss you so much
I guess I've lost touch
In my mind I'm watching you leaving
It just keeps on repeating
I guess they call this "grieving"

Hello I am a recovering doormat

I have some things to say
Mainly to the people - who won't care anyway

How was I supposed to feel secure
After all the things I had to endure
After you treated me like a pest
Even when I tried my best
All I did was try to make you proud
Even when my mind got loud
With all the evil things that you'd  say
Like you never loved me anyway

You raised me to be your puppet

Then when I wouldn't play along
You told me I was in the wrong
No wonder I looked for love in all the worst places
You stole my self worth and told me that's what grace is

So I split myself into a hundred pieces

To try to solve the puzzle you dumped on me
To try to fit into this 'family'
You even used God to shame me
But in my heart I know he doesn't  blame me

You were the ones that shattered my mind

Then you pointed and said "look she's crazy"
You stole my motivation  waited til I was down and said "look she's  so lazy"
I was your therapist and only friend
And you destroyed me in the end

I  could have forgiven ALL of that

But then you took from me all I hold dear
You stole my reality and handed me fear
You poisoned my oldest child against me
When I wouldn't  be like you - you took my family

I don't  get to see my babies grow up now
Because of your twisted half truths and filthy lies
I want so badly to move on but I don't  know how
I try to smother my rage and just pray it dies

But then I remember their faces, thier  laughter
And all the life that comes after
Our final goodbyes
With tears in my eyes
I plead with God to guide me
To place His peace back inside me

The peace you took from me
That you spit on and lit on fire
But you just wait and see
Well I'll rise from the funeral pyre
And finally set myself free

The refined mind
Will seek and find
Asking questions like "why have I come to be"
I wasn't created for depression and anxiety
To be pulled to my knees
By the weight of abuse and it's crushing gravity
"What is my purpose in this life"
It's not only to suffer though pain and strife
With my mind clouded with uncertainty
It's not to be consumed with depravity
Or by captured by this worlds absurdity
"Do I know how to grow
To come into my own"
Do my thoughts get lost in translation
Is this discernment or another sensation
That will leave me feeling hollow
Realities pills are hard to swallow
Who's that face in the mirror belong to
Who's voice is that coming through
I don't recognize my own reflection
And I've lost all sense of direction
If all life has value
Which I know to be true
Then my worth is more than I once believed
I prayed for the answers and this is what I received:
Every prudent mind seeks wisdom
To share to have to hold
Not what you get from the system
But the wisdom born in your soul

A burden since birth
That's all she was worth
At least what every one taught her
Then came the shame
She must be to blame
After the monsters sought her
She doubted all peace
She received no release
From her past that would always haunt her
The demons that lived in her dreams
And would silence her screams
They lived in her mind to taunt her
But did she let them in
Where did it begin
Was it inherited from her mother or father
She'd sink into her mind
Looking for something good to find
But the voices echoed "why bother"
Stuck in the flesh
Finding no rest
Haunted by scars, trauma and fear
No clear path to victory
Through all of life's mystery
So hurt she can't shed a tear
Her somber heart breaks
With every breath she takes
But she will push through til tomorrow
She will see the dawn
She will stay strong
Not allowing herself to succumb to sorrow

Bitterness swirls with each sip from my cup
I get knocked down when I try to get back up
I try and I try and I try to let go
The more that I try - the more I sink low
I could drop off the face of the earth
Before I'd ever truly see my own worth
My cup never empties but its poison I drink
Hoping my enemy dies while I'm on the brink
Of madness and vengeance, pain and fear
Remembrance of losing all I hold dear
This burden is heavy the night is so long
I can't get up in the morning knowing you're gone
I'm suffocating beneath the weight
Of everything life has piled on my plate
I'm wounded gravely and terribly lost
You look in my eyes do you see what life costs?
I'm tangled in history I can never forget
I'm hopeless and lonely - and yet
I have moments of joy and peace
They wash through my soul - give me a new lease
I pray every day that you never feel my pain
I pray every day your faith is maintained
I know He guides me - even when I break down
My Lord lifts me from waters so I don't drown
Morning is coming - swift with the dawn
I pray it brings you peace while your gone
I am filled with anger and regret by the ton
Yet at the end of my life God might say "well done"
I'll fight every day to see my own worth
Until God takes me home far from this earth
I may never find rest while I'm here
I'll try to let go of my anger and fear
I know in Christ alone my hope is carried above me
So I'll try to be content with a savior who loves me

Through my trifling life I wander
As my recollection muses, I ponder
What if I treated myself fonder
Treated my time wisely and didn't squander

A moment passes and it's gone
A new begining comes with each dawn
Why spend each day withdrawn
Overthinking the agony beyond

All life has worth it should be treasured
Except mine? How can worth be measured
Why should I always feel pressured
I mean - look at all the storms I've weathered

You'd think I like me. You'd be wrong
I try my best to always stay strong
I keep on singing a victory song
Yet I fear I'll never find where I belong

With every stone thrown
Apathy is grown
everything said becomes irrelevant
With the resentment you've shown
I feel all alone
Totally out of my element

Your voice can chill to the bone
With your coarse tone
Do you see my pain shine through
Does it remain unknown
I can't carry it on my own
Feeling nothing is all I can do

I push down the anger and fear
I bury it deep in my chest
I let go of all I hold dear
And simply hope for the best

I have faked joy for so long
I don't recognize myself in a mirror
It seems everything is so wrong
But I'm seeing myself clearer

My own mind provides my torture
Til I feel hollow -so empty
I guess that's why they call it disorder
Maybe that's why apathy tempts me

I'm lost in a new school in my dream
I can't figure out where to go
By the middle of it all I want to scream
School just started yet I'm failing, I know

I don't have a schedule- everyone else does
I can't find my classes or any direction
I can't even find my way back to where I was
Everything changes again in my perception

I find the library a comforting place for me
I was looking for the office - I'm happy here
I decide to stay though it's not where I should be
Because it's calming and I lose my fear

Nestled amongst books my dearest friends
I give up on looking for where I should be
I stay there until the dream ends
I'm trapped and yet here I feel free

Just before it's all over completely
I think I'm always lost in my dreams
Always a school - when I sleep this deeply
Then I woke up and wondered what it all means

I'm breaking to pieces on the inside
My words sound so frail and hollow
"I'm fine" " I'm okay" - yet again I lied
The bitter pills life gives me are hard to swallow

Reality hits me hard and I can't breathe
The anger swells within my heart
I push it down but still I seethe
This life does all it can to break me apart

These personal battles that I fight
Never seem to have an end
I'm so angry I lose my sight
Now my reality starts to bend

Sinking to the bottom of my resignation
Settling on the ocean floor
Biting back my fiery indignation
How much disrespect can I ignore

Unbridled fury flashes in my eyes
I'm sorry I let that show
I know it takes you by surprise
But I guess it's better you know

I'm consumed by my mind's corruption
In its infinite cascading spiral
Fearful of my next eruption
Because my rage is viral

These feelings wash over me
In waves that carry me away
I float on the surface of this sea
Trying not to drown - every day.

The thunder in my chest
Just won't rest
I've done my very best
And yet
The anger grows - my eyes darken
I exhale
Confusion mounts
The air is stale
My words taste bitter
I'm afraid
Of the past and future
The mistakes I've made
My heart grows darker
It's full of hate
This self loathing
Has got to change
I'm Lost in the wilderness
My soul so jaded
****** amongst these beasts
Have I faded
To a shadow of my former self
What have I become
I'm the shade of black in my heart reflected
I'm still so numb
I'm the sum of the love I've rejected
A pearl of wisdom
Cast before swine
Pining for love
That was never mine

The rope of the hangman's noose
Chokes from me all my air
I cannot set myself loose
This life was never fair

Rage will keep on knocking
Upon the door within
Until I answer and quit blocking
Is this where my healing will begin?

Misery and torment eternally in a dance
Wrapping me in a smothering embrace
Did I ever stand a chance?
Will I fade away without a trace?

The shadows swarming in my head
Were my only friends
I've found they are my enemies instead
It seems my darkness now transcends

Surpassing all comprehension
Consuming all the light my eyes once held
Feeding off my fear and tension
Leaving me a broken and hollow shell

I do not want to dwell on death
Yet it follows me around
It steals from me my breath
To this grief I'm bound

I could cut out my heart
So I could feel no more
But what pain would I impart
If I chose to not endure

There are a few who would cry
For many years after my demise
They are the reason why
Tomorrow I will rise.

Thoughts fly around me like an insect swarm
I get dizzy from their speed and voracity
They try to consume me within the storm
What can bring me back to my reality

I'm on a tirade against my own mind
Yet again carrying all the blame
Looking for a reason that I cannot find
To cast off all my shame

Grace and mercy are free gifts that I reject
Surely there are others more deserving
Of peace, kindness and respect
These thoughts are unnerving

I try to close my eyes for much needed rest
All I see on replay are my mistakes
I try to focus on how I've been blessed
While my shattered heart breaks

The tears do not flow
I can not force what will not come
This pain is endless - I know
It has gotten so bad that now I'm numb

I stay silent most days
Pretending nothing's wrong
Lost in an unending maze
Listening to the same old song

It's getting lonely in this cage
But I cannot seem to reach out
All I feel anymore is my rage
That is flooded with my doubt

I had to say my goodbyes
It's the only way to heal
Now my heart and soul cries
Yet I can't force myself to feel

Tears hide behind my eyes
I choke back my wrath
I put on a happy guise
While my thoughts are on a warpath

I can't separate truth from lies
Or feel any warmth from my past
Another part of me dies
It drowns in the sea so vast

I won't become what I despise
Bitter - Holding back the emotions
Even if it brings me to my demise
I'd rather drown in sorrows oceans

Another year gone time flies
Another heart is broken
Yet the sun will rise
Like a breathless whisper spoken

My thoughts ****** toward azure skies
Hoping someone hears my call
Listening for an answer - the wind implies
That my fear will be my downfall

Fear grips my throat
It closes -Face to face with anxiety
I start to sputter and choke
As it whispers - you can't escape reality

It holds me down
Beneath the water
I begin to drown
My lungs begin to falter

I close my eyes tight
Preparing for the end
I look around for the light
This prayer I send

"Release me from this fate
let me let go of the fear
Scrub from my mind the hate
Let me feel that you are here"

A hand reaches into the waves
That I am caught up under
A gentle face smiles - My soul is saved
He pulls me through the rolling thunder

He quiets the storm within me
He guides me through the pain
He shines on my heart His mercy
With outstretched hand He stops the rain

A quiet soul reaching out
begging to be heard
Falling through all the doubt
Like a wounded bird

Riding the downward spiral
into the convoluted mess
Pain that seems to be viral
That causes her to regress

Holding on for dear life
to the end of her rope
The thoughts sharp as a knife
Slices through her hope

As it lays there bleeding
burning down to embers
It seems she is receding
At that moment she remembers

She takes another ragged breath
And rises from the ashes
She musters all the strength she has left
All her memories come back in flashes

The reason she fights until her dying day
It renews in her the ability to press on
It keeps the darkness at bay
Until the coming dawn

The whispered words of reverie
Within a clouded mind
Coalescing grief and memory
Until they're intertwined

A dance born from fear and love
Long ago forgotten
Joy you could only dream of
That turned to nightmares - rotten

The storm gathers overhead
with the clouds in her eyes
Remembrance of those for whom she bled
she bows her head and cries

She just wishes to see their smiles
to brighten up her day
To hold their little hands for a while
But for now her world is grey

Everywhere she seems to turn
She sees their little faces
The agony continues to burn
As she walks dreamlike through these places

Looking back through time
Like a still frame on a wall
This smile is her pantomime
A lie - that is her downfall

It feels like my strength is failing
Will this pain ever go away
Will I keep on prevailing
Or are these demons here to stay

I can't seem to cry out
Any louder than I am
I try to scream or shout
But I grow quiet when I feel ******

My mind makes me feel so condemned
Choked by the memories that are fading fast
Will my soul ever choose to transcend
And move on from my bitter-sweet past

Will my mind keep up this torture
Until my days are done
Will I always sink into my disorder
With nowhere left to run

I hope I will rise above
And find some inner peace
Maybe I'll find rest in love
And my soul will be released

Rain on me your wisdom
In loud song or whispered verse
Take from me this burden
Lift me from this horrid curse

Lay down beside me
And teach me all you know
Let me rise from the ashes
And bask in the fire's glow

Revive in me my vigor
And thirst for all things new
Let me sing again in the rain
And dance in the morning dew

Let me find the grace
Through the worlds many snares
Soothe me with your mercy
Please heed my many prayers

I'm lost in this evil time
With fears of being forgotten
I've been pushed down over and over
My soul is so downtrodden

Do you hear my cries to you
That echo through my mind
Maybe you're testing me
A warrior in me - you'll find

A fighter that's grown weary
In need of much redeeming
A fractured mind and soul
Looking for you intervening

Have I squandered my existence?
Do my laments reach your ears?
Do you think I'm worth saving?
Can I cast on you my fears?

Its dwelling just beneath the surface
Lying in wait for its emergence
Waiting to devour all of my dreams
Revels in ecstasy at the sounds of my screams

The darkness within me waits
Patiently as it contemplates
How best to destroy everything I've built
How to smother me in anger and my guilt

I can not **** what I can not see
In order to vanquish it do I have to **** me?
No that is the lie it tries to sell
So it can win and put me through hell

I get so weary of this everyday battle
It leaves me broken, angry and rattled
How do I keep on living this way?
How could I expect anyone to want to stay?

When they see how my mind tortures me
All they want is for me to be set free
They think I do this to myself inside
What would you do - there's nowhere to hide

"There's nowhere to run no way to win"
It laughs and says with a grin
"You and I will always be tied
You're bound by the life you left behind"

I'm more than the amalgamation of scars
I choose my fate - not my pain - not the stars
You have no more power to hold me
I want repaid for the lies that you sold me

So help me God - I will take back my life
I'll pick up my peace and lay down the knife
I can't carve out the pain and the grief
Maybe this way I'll find some relief

I don't know what's left of me
After you ripped out the best of me
You stole all of my creativity
You took my sight so I couldn't see
Past everything you seemed to be
To the core that you're my enemy
Now I'm haunted by the memory
Of who I was before there was you and me
I feel lost and I'm shaking
Stuck in the mistakes I keep making
I'm still on the verge of breaking
While the world just keeps on taking
Every part of myself that I loved most
Scattering my heart from coast to coast
So to the wretched past I make this toast
A bitter farewell to your ghost
You won't haunt me anymore
I demand you leave and I'll lock the door
Leave the pieces of me on the floor
I'll fix myself - my heart will be restored
I'll burn this bridge behind you
My memories won't even find you
I know in the end I'll pull through
I'll take this life and make it new

Walking through the valley of death
And the depths of the sadness
With every breath
Searching for light in the blackness

I can't breathe
I can't see
I can't leave
I can't let myself be

Everything still eats me up inside
Even though the meds make me feel better
It feels like the darker part has died
But is it just hiding behind the pleasure

I'm still scared
I still feel alone
Am I still snared
In this prison of my own

I know these things can all pass
But I seem to still hold on
To the regret that fills my heart of glass
Will these feelings ever be gone

Is the progress a lie
Will it all come crashing down
Will I backslide
Will I ultimately drown

I do not have words profound
That lessen the crippling grief
My only hope that I've found
to try to bring some relief
To find the we in wellness
To relate in some small way
So sorrow doesn't overwhelm us
And sweep us up in its waves
I'm a hand reaching out into the dark
In this vast and hollow world
Something to hold on to - a simple spark
The catching fire of hope unfurled
If you hear my voice
Echoing in this abyss
You can make the choice
To rest and find some bliss
Do not say goodbye
To a world that turned its back
I am here, I hear you cry
In this cold world that seems so black
I may only be letters on a page
But I can feel your heart break
I can sense your hardened rage
Remember this life is yours to make
I hope you learn to let go
Of this heavy burden
I hope you always know
My faith in you is certain
Stand up and take back your life
Beat back those laughing demons
They can no longer cause you strife
Let go of all those reasons...
;
You are loved You are seen
If even only by a stranger unknown
With thousands of miles inbetween
Remember friend, You are not alone

Take the pieces of my heart
I surrender to you all of them
You can have every fragmented part
Why do I still feel so condemned

Grant me peace of mind
Please I do implore
Unloose the ties that bind
I lay my shattered soul upon the floor

I don't know how to press on
With out them by my side
Its so hard to face the dawn
So in you I do confide

I rise up from my knees
And I'll lift my hands in praise
I will sing in the summer breeze
And hope for better days

You guide me through the darkness
back out into the light
It blinds me with its harshness
And yet my soul takes flight

I will trust you through my blindness
I will let go of all my pride
I will show the world your kindness
So at least I can say I tried

Call me out by name
From this darkened tomb
Save me from the flames
Cause my faith to bloom

Heal my broken soul
Touch my wounded heart
Only you can make me whole
And heal what has been scarred

Take from me my pain
Let me love the world
Revive me from this shame
Let your plan for me unfurl

Carry me on the winds of hope
Renew in me the light
Teach me how to cope
Help me win this fight

Let's play pretend
Pretend we're kids again
Back when smiles came naturally
Before our hearts were casualties

Let's play pretend
Make believe we're still friends
Back when we laughed for hours
Before the world turned sour

Let's play pretend
Imagine love with no end
Back to the beginning
Before the demons were winning

Let's play pretend
Like a message in an bottle we send
To someone in an imaginary land
Before we could really understand

Let's play pretend
Learn to smile again
Faking it isn't the same
Faking a smile to hide the shame

Imagine if we could remember
The final sparks of a dying ember
Of the hope that carried us on the wind
When we would play pretend

Who reached out to me when my world fell apart
One maybe two people? Some that never did before
You know who didn't? My "family" - They had no heart
So what am I supposed to believe that life has in store?

So far life has shown me how to pull myself out of despair
It has shown me to trust NO ONE no matter what they say
It taught me that my healing is the weight for ME to bare
To not lean on anyone because eventually they go away

Some said they were sending ' prayers and thoughts'
and while this is always well meant
It didn't help me in the throws of my loss
When it felt like I was broken - my hope all spent

I had people offer all sorts of advice for me
What they would do in my situation
The harm they did, they simply didn't see
When they disappeared they offered no explanation
What did that do for me

Just, ****, Gone
Alone again to deal with my demons
What did I do so wrong?
I gave up, I don't need their reasons...

I guess I am better off without them
I don't need all the negativity
All they did was judge and condemn
So I leave them behind, and lean on my own ability

God is with me  - He whispers  in the dark
He holds me when everyone else turned their back
He puts me on the right path, and urges me to embark
on the journey of life - He protects me from any attack.

I am swinging by my neck at the end of my rope
Searching around for some glimmer of hope
Some safe place, a sanctuary for my heart
That has been cremated after being torn apart

I look and I look everywhere I go
Seeking solace, while I go with the flow
Trying to find a feeling I have never known
Looking for the place, a home to call my own

I am a sojourner pushed and pulled by fate
Tossed about like a leaf on the wind of hate
This world has choked my lungs of all the air
And yet I can say I'm not quite as scared

I used to walk around under the weight of fear
Now its dismay, yet I can shed no tear
It stalks me every night and day
I wish for my life the voices would just go away

I can't seem to cry though I feel I'm drowning
I have my faith but it seems I'm always doubting
I doubt my strength, I doubt my sanity
Because my life has been endless calamity

When will this storm finally subside
I guess I just hold on, while I'm along for the ride
Buckle up and hold onto the rope
Its a rough ride kids, find your reasons to cope

I have heard it said my pain is an illusion
Because its just in my head
Because its not a scar, wound or contusion
That I just need to get over it, they said.

Give it time, healing is slow
Pray more, take this pill, stop overthinking
But they really don't know
the everyday struggle to stop myself from sinking

The callousness of society
bleeds my heart dry
The constant impropriety
makes me want to cry

"You choose to feel this way"
"Just choose to be happy"
If it were that easy I'd do it today
To choose this, how ill would I have to be

I am just so completely tired
of the way this world spins around
of how they all conspired
to put me in the ground

You sow these seeds of anger
So you'll reap the grapes of wrath
You offer me no answer
You tell me to take a different path

You speak what you feel
Yet let no one else do the same
If they do not suit your ideal
Then they're living a life of shame

You wonder why the silence grows
With the walls that form between us
Maybe only God really knows
But it doesn't take a genius

Your heart and words to me are bitter
I cannot fathom why you can not see
Or why you can not consider
That the problem here isn't just me

Stop sowing the seeds of doubt
Or else you'll reap uncertain love
With weakness of resentment throughout
You'll destroy what we dreamed of

I love you but you don't see it
I say it but you won't hear
If this is what you want so be it
I won't let my heart hold you so dear

I want you to understand
My love has not diminished
I will not draw back my hand
Until you tell me we are finished

I am not miserable because of you
My pain is not your doing
There is little that you can do
While my storm is brewing

Mutual respect is what I want - do you want that too?
With no hypocrisy mixed into it
Speak to me how you want me to speak to you
If we do this I know we will pull through it

What are you doing to yourself
Going over it again and again in your head
What purpose does this serve?
Why Linger on Words left unsaid

Why dwell in darkened memories
that refute Your Inner Strength
why do you keep yourself shackled
and keep love at arms length

--------------

Because I feel like it's deserved
For every bridge that I've burned
Each took with it pieces of my soul preserved I feel the pain has been earned

I deserve the anguish I feel
For every horrible mistake
I do not feel worthy of love that's real
I put my own life on the stake

So I will relive my every scar
over and over in my head
to make it makes sense how I got this far when long ago - I should have been dead

---------------

I do not think this is helpful
I really do not think this is right
you did not cause your misery
so lay down the burdens tonight

let yourself have some solace
give yourself an ounce of peace
rest in God's promise
and put to bed the Beast

Memories tarnished with loss
A life weighed down with fear
Who could bear this cross
Living life at the end of a spear

We do not carry the pain on our own
Even though it seems that way
We never carry the cross alone
All we need to do is pray

The pain may never disappear
But in time it may subside
We may never be rid of the fear
But we won't always have to hide

Hold on to hope, believe with all your might
See Life as a worthy adversary
Prepare each day for the fight
In time the weight will get easier to carry

The still small voice that helps you cope
That is your savior- within you
Begging you to hold on to the end of your rope
The one that presses you to continue

Life is not over - it just feels that way
Do not let the demons win the fight
Do not take your life - I beg you please stay. stay focused - do not lose sight

My shaking hands are full of uncertainty
My steel heart is buried in sorrow
My weary mind filled with absurdity
With no motivation to see tomorrow

So many people with broken souls
Walking around with walls up
Our consciousness filled with holes
Filled with loneliness because nobody calls up

Hey how you doin' are you okay
Nah not really but I got through the day
So I guess I am better than I could have been
Thanks for asking, old friend

I have these conversations with myself
Because no one really understands
So I sit here on my shelf
With my uncertain shaking hands

Shes dancing with shadows
And gets lost in the rain
She quarrels with her demons
That try to bathe in her pain

As she closes her eyes
She prays for the end
Because this life gets heavy
It gets so hard to pretend

Her tears flow freely
When she speaks the name
They soak her in loneliness
And drench her in shame

The life of a childless mother
Is a pain un-compared
Its a wonder she's breathing
With the weight she has bared

Voiceless in an endless chasm
Of fear, grief and pain
Echoing with memories
That only drive her insane

The gun looks tempting
The bullet chambered is coated in grief
She toys with the thought
Would it bring me relief

No it would only pass on the pain
It would bring no relief
It would make others suffer
It would pass on the grief.

Resonate with me for a moment
Open your heart to my mind
See me not as your opponent
For a friend in me you'll find

Lean not on the understanding of man
They will only let you down
Rise up and find your feet to stand
And straighten up your crown

You are more than what they did to you
You're more than this pain you feel
Looking back do you see how you grew
Find solace in peace and love that's real

Write yourself a letter
That lets you know you're proud
Of who you've become, how you got better
Then read the words out loud

You do this often and you will see
Progress and healing in the making
Write to you like you would a friend, kindly
Even if your hand is shaking

Tell yourself things that others forgot to
Share with the paper your desire and secrets
Share with it your dreams and be true
Show it all of your pain and regrets
In the process - get to know you

I try to keep myself distracted
From my breaking mind and heart
Over thinking how I overreacted
Trying to get the healing to start

The harder I try to heal
The more I feel attacked
The less I know what is real
The less I know how to interact

My words come out forced and slow
As my mind runs in a circle
My anger blooms and begins to show
Is this fight eternal?

Crying alone on the inside
Screams echo through my mind
It feels like I already died
In this darkened grave I lay confined

I've worn this mask for far too long
Pretending always that nothing's wrong
I always had to be the one to be strong always seeking Somewhere I Belong

The mask sinks it's Talons into my skin
I don't know where I end and The Mask begins
It seems now to be wearing thin
I thought it protected me- but it is my sin

It's the lie that I show to the world
The lie I've worn since I was a little girl
I was trained to hide all my pain
I was constrained to pretend I'm sane

I became the mirror to all who peered in
I withdrew to the iron and porcelain cage Within
Pretending always in this unending ruse
Hiding every tear and every bruise

Pretending I wasn't abused
Leaving my conscience more confused

I faked it so long I lost who I am
Condemning myself - feeling ******
No one needs to see my strife
So I've stayed hidden away all my life

Always in fear of what the world would do
If they found out my truth - if they knew
So I sublimated myself as I grew
Speaking my truth to only a few

Most often when I finally shared
My fear was realized - they abhorred me - or didn't care
Now it seems I can no longer hide
Because I can feel myself slowly dying inside

What will I do when my mask shatters
What will you do - I guess that's what matters
Will you also cast me away
Or will you still choose to stay