I never wanted to hurt you and that's all I did. And every day I regret it. To the point where I don't feel much of anything. I know that there is nothing I can do to fix what happened. There have been so many tears. Tears of laughter. Tears of happiness. Tears of sadness.  Tears of pain. And there’s nothing I can do other then hope that one day I won’t be feeling broken. My heart, it hurts. I feel like I’m never going to be the same again.

I listen to the same songs
The same playlists
The same sounds
The same feelings
On repeat over
And over again

I've done it,

I figured out why I'm not able to be happy.

Its because I'm scared.

I'm scared that I'm going to find someone that I really care about.

I'm scared that I'm going to mess up and hurt them .

I'm scare that I wont be accepted.

I'm scared that I wont be loved.

I'm scared that I am going to get hurt again.

I'm scared that I'm going to hurt someone.

I forget what it feels like to be happy.
I forget what it feels like to be loved.
I forget what it feels like to love.
I forget what it feels like to love myself.
I forget what it feels like to be able to make someone happy.
I forget what life was like with you.
I forget what life was without you.
I forget what it feels like to trust.
I forget what it feels like to be open.
I forget what it feels like to be pain free.
I forget a lot,
But I cant forget you.

Every day is the same thing.
Wake up
No friends
It's so dark
So quiet
So lonely
So numb.

A lot of things have changed
A lot has gotten better
But the Pain hurts more when you fall from higher highs.

About a year ago
I was happy.
A year ago
I could smile.
A year ago
I was in love.
A year ago
I learned something.
A year later
I still miss you like crazy.
A year later
I still love you.

I’m lost, and I feel like I can’t be found. I don’t know what I should do. I don’t know if I should listen to my friends giving me advice or just ignore it. I’m hurt. Physically, mentally and emotionally. I can still remember that day in April, your eyes, so full of happiness. Your smile was so perfect. It still is. You were so beautiful. To me you were perfect. I remember the last day. The feelings in the air. I still feel that way if not worse. I know I hurt you more then you hurt me, and I know I can’t do anything to fix it and now I’m worthless and I don’t know anymore,
The worse part is that I know no one is looking for me anymore. And it’s okay too. Cause I know that deep down, I’ll never be found.

If a habit is something that you do constantly and is hard to give up,
Does that mean crying Is a habit?

I’m sorry.
I’m sorry that I couldn’t be there
I’m sorry that I couldn’t help you.
I’m sorry that I hurt you.
I’m sorry that You thought I didn’t love you.
I’m sorry that I wasn’t enough.
I’m sorry that I broke your heart.
I’m sorry that I kept my mouth shut.
I’m sorry that I didn’t say anything.
I’m sorry that I put you through hell.
I’m sorry that I gave you a second chance.
I’m sorry that I trusted you.
I’m sorry that I loved you.

a faint clap of thunder ,
clouded skies,
perhaps rain comes,
if so will you stay here with me?

The worst part is that I don't want to hurt the few people that love me
I keep going
I wake up and just exist.
If only they knew.

would you stay with me if i had to go somewhere
would you stay with me if i messed up
would you stay with me if i was sad
would you stay with me?

it serves me right for Trying to be Happy
you have Feelings for someone and you Think they have some for You too it Feels great
with a Few Words your Heart Drops and you have that Pain in your chest
It Hurts the Most when you have Feelings and then its Shut Down.
the Higher i am, the Faster you Fall.

This world is unforgiving.
It's so cruel and unfair.
It makes me disgusted the way people can act,
So selfish and greedy.
Like pigs on a farm.  
But there is a small amount of good on it.
It is the people that help others
the ones that try to make others happy,
just because it makes them happy.

I thought that I could be happy.
I want to be happy.
I want that drug people call love.
I try so hard but it fails.
I guess I'm just an idiot.

Why do I do this to myself? Why do me and everyone around me love people that treat them horribly? And when we get hurt, why do we act like we didn’t know was going to happen? I just want to be happy. Is that too much to ask for? It’s all I want. But I know I’ll never be. What shout I do?

Some days go by and they are great.
And then just like that,
When you're least expecting it
The roller coaster that you're on that is climbing up
Crashes down, Fast.
Straight and fast.

Whats another dream when I can't sleep.

I’m so tired, all the time.
I just want to sleep.
Forever.

I want to be happy.
I wish I can be happy.
But I can’t be happy.

I want to love.
I wish I can love.
But I can’t love.

I want to forget
I wish I can forget.
But I can’t forget.

I want to care about someone.
I wish I can care about someone.
But I can’t care about someone.

I want to forget.
I wish I can forget.
But I can’t forget.

I cant get hurt if there's nothing there to get hurt in the first place.

I’m always told that I’m never alone. I hate that statement because I feel like I am all the time. And where’s the proof that I’m not alone. I don’t really know what to think about any more and I know that You don’t even think of me anymore but here I am… still thinking of you. What we had, how much effort we put into each other. The amount of time that we spent together. How much time that we spent talking about what we were going to do when we got out of High school. How much love that we had for each other.  And I messed it all up. I don’t even care anymore about what you did. I feel worthless and like I’m never going to be able to know what it feels like to be happy. I hate not being able to do anything when I know if I was there, I would do anything to make you happy. I keep on having these dreams and they feel more and more real every time. And then I wake up feeling hopeless and feeling worthless. The dreams, I wish they weren’t just dreams, I wish they were real. I wish that happiness was real. The feelings, the emotions and the laughs and the love. I still think about You. I would ask you how you were doing and then you would say better now that I’m with you. And then you would ask me. And I would respond amazing, because. And I meant that with all my heart.  And now I just feel lonely and sad all the time and there’s nothing I can do to change that.  I don't regret much but I do regret hurting you.

I don’t know why but I just feel like I’m constantly in this ongoing loop. A train that Is going around and around on this track. It won’t let me off. I would just jump, but I’m scared that it’s going to hurt. I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know how I got on the train in the first place. I see people walk in an out, on and off with ease. If they can, why can’t I?

I wish I never met you. I wish that day never happened. I wish I never said I love you. That’s the hardest thing about it. It’s extremely hard just to forget about someone you loved for so long. And so much… I feel so abused and misused. Everything I did for you. Everything I got you was just to make you happy. And you just threw it away and gave it to someone else. I was in love with you. I wish I can forget you. I wish I can fly.

It is crazy how from one day someone can’t stop thinking about someone or something that meant so much to them. Then in over a few days it’s like they were never there, they forget you. And it hurts even more when you spill out your feelings to someone that means so much to you even though that you know that you mean absolutely nothing to them. But you know that anyways, and you still try. And it still hurts. A lot. And you know it would.
I hate it even more that I remember the days that we spent together. The amount of love that we had for each other. I really don’t know what to think much less do anymore. I feel like every time that I try and be happy there is an 85% chance that it will blow up in my face. I just feel like a fool.  It is honestly starting to feel that I can’t love my self anymore. I just feel like a failure with anything and everything I do.  
I can still remember the wishes that we had. The wishes that we would last forever. The wishes that we would be the ones that people would say “****, they are still together?” The wishes of having our own family and our own place after collage or even sooner then that. Now, all of the wishes are gone and the only wishes that I have is to get over you and to try and be happy. For myself

I want to find happiness. The thing about that is that it feels close to impossible to do so.  I’m sick and tired of feeling this way. I don’t want to live my life this way. But I live my life making others happy. Or I try to at the least. But I hurt you. More than anything and I know that I can’t do anything. And until the day I die I would do anything I can do to make you happy. I love you… still.

I was told that if you're crying after something bad happened that you cared and you had so much emotion in it. Then I'm guessing that is the same thing to do when you loved someone. cause even after all this time I'm still crying.

I feel numb
I feel tired all the time
I've stopped caring
I've been so scared
I don't even fear death at this point.
If I were to meet death
It would be with open arms.

11/7/19
I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of not having anyone to talk to. I’m miserable, all I can think about is being with someone, but the problem is that no one wants to be with me. I don’t know what I must do to change that, and I hate it. I’m lonely. I feel alone all the time. Even when I’m with the few friends I have I still feel like there’s something missing… but I don’t know what.

One year can destroy someone.
One month can change someone.
One day can break someone.
One hour can hurt someone.
One minute can scare someone.
One second can end everything

Everything keeps building up
it's reaching the point where it's going to spill over
like a *** of boiling water
I don't even know what to do anymore
I don't want this to keep going the way it is
I don't even bother checking my phone anymore because I know that there's going to be nothing there.
every day is so ******* dry
I keep thinking about doing it
more and more
they aren't working
they did at first
but I feel like they are starting to do what everybody else is doing
giving up on me
I guess it's time
For me to give up too.

You’re special.
You deserve much better then me.

I was generally really happy.
And when it ended,
the happiness just
Left.
Vanished ,
Ripped out,
Taken,
Gone.
Se La Vie.

I don’t really know what to think anymore. I feel lost and confused and like I am never going to be happy again. I just have this feeling that everything I do or even try to do backfires and blows up in my face. Every time that I have the smallest chance to even talk to someone but the thought of you keeps me from getting anywhere close to saying “Hi”.  The fact that I miss you still hurts. I know what happened between us and I can’t put you through that again much less myself.  I need to move on. I have love for a lot of people and things but the one thing that I can’t love is myself. But to be honest I really don’t care about not loving myself. I would prefer to make someone happy and help them fix all their problems and take all their pain, so they don’t have any. And that’s the one thing I hate about myself. Making other people happy and making sure the ones I love are doing okay and are happy. And if that means sacrificing my happiness then I guess I’m okay with it. I wish I could take your pain so you wouldn’t have to feel it anymore I would in a heartbeat.

When something ends,
Something else begins.

I think that the worse part is that  I know it's true
but accepting it is another thing
and I don't even know how to feel anymore
the loneliness is starting to feel comfortable
The best thing I've ever learned is how to find happiness in solitude.

I miss the feeling
Of finding something new.
The anxiety.
The excitement.
But like all things.
Once they happen once.
They don't feel the same again.

I remember the stars in your eyes,
I miss seeing them.
I miss you more.

I don’t know why you think that you were the only one that got hurt.
Do you think that I wanted to break your heart?
Don’t forget that I loved you more then anything.
I did what I did because you deserve much better than me.
You deserve the world.
And I don't deserve you.

I’m so happy I left. So I don’t have to deal with anyone from where I came that don’t like me or that I don’t like them. So I don’t have to deal with my past and what ******* lies that you came up with. Its twisted ya know. And you **** well know you lied. You’re not the only one who is scared. You have no right to be scared. Because of the lies you started. I’m living in fear every **** day. Every single ******* time I think about you or home, I have what feels like a small anxiety attack or panic attack. But because of you. My life is going on better direction then you are and a lot of other people. If I’m being honest, all I have to say is *******, and **** PA.

I feel like I’m being chased by a wolf.
Every time I think it lost me it always ends up finding me again.
Every time I have an encounter with it,
I get closer and closer to facing my fate.  
I can hear it paws hitting the ground running towards me.
Faster and faster and louder with each second passing.
I slow down so see if I am still being chased,
And then I realize
That the wolf
Is me.

Thank you,
Thank you for showing me how to love. Thank you for the fun memories I hope they were worth it. Thank you for showing me pain that I’ve never felt before. Thank you for being the first. Thank you for going to my games and saying I played great even though you don’t know how the game works and we lost. Thank you for being patent with me. Thank you for being a reason to live for. Thank you for my work ethic, because of you I worked my *** off so you didn’t have to pay for anything. Thank you for driving me places when I didn’t have my license yet. Thank you for showing me how I can be so ignorant. Thank you for showing me pain that I’ve never felt before. Thank you for being the one that walked away. Thank you for teaching me how to conceal every emotion pouring out of me deep down to the point it hurts. Thank you. Thank you for everything. You’re probably never going to read this but if you do, I would go through it all again in a heartbeat.

hey look at that im lonely again