My heart is racing.
I feel sick.
My anxiety knows me better

than anyone.

It hurts so bad
Not the pain of today
Not even the pain of yesterday
Maybe the pain of a lifetime ago
Not any less
Definitely more
My adult mind is realing
Punishing the little girl I was
The little girl who accepted so much
Fought so little
Torn apart by what I could have done
Beaten down by what i should have done
Terrorized by what I didnt do
Haunted by what I did
I survived
I am alive
But when will I start living

I was supposed to be my brothers keeper,
I raised and watched him grow.
But what I did was hurt him,
Now he's someone I don't even know.

And he doesn't know me either,
It's been so many years since we spoke.
Would he recognize me in the street,
All these tears I'm sure to choke.

I wish I could just take his hand,
Try to explain the insanity.
But my dear brother is gone,
The monster took him away from me.

If I take a stand now,
                                    what would I lose?
It's already gone...
                                    yet silent I remain.
Words trapped for so long,
                                    where to begin?
It feels as if there's nothing to gain.


If I take a stand now,
                                     who would I hurt?
Hearts still mending...
                                     yet everything is fake.
Feelings buried deep,
                                     how do I let them go?
What if I do and then never see Jake.


If I take a stand now,
                                     what would it fix?
Bits of soul missing...
                                     nowhere to be seen.
Scars keep seeping,
                                     when will this stop?
All I really want is to feel clean.

Clink, clink, clink goes the ice in the glass.
Golden whiskey trickles down their side.
Goosebumps rise and chest starts to burn.
Swallowing another memory she wished had died.

A letter...
to you.
But what would I say?

No.
Stop.
Don't touch me that way.

At least that's what I should've said.
But I just lay silently instead.

Thief.
Coward.
A magician, for they don't see.

The hurt.
The shame.
The mark you left on me.