An arrow to heart
You'd think would bring
But pulling it out
Like I didn't see
The no trespass sign
I saw it...
with mine own eyes
But Ignored it
Covered in lies,
Like a bandage for souls
I am willing to bury the hatchet
even if it's in my chest
but let's not walk forward under false pretense
you said for both of us it's best
but we are both falling apart
you with a smile on your face
and I, with an axe in my heart
My heart pounds for your smile, Dogbreath
I like you more than a hooker likes meth
you may be family and I may call you bro
but it’s not incest when you’re a Juggalo.
I’ll never forget the day that we met
one kiss and I wanted to be your Juggalette
my passion for you burns like a thousand suns
it can’t be contained even if I were restrained by nuns.
My desire for you isn’t even satirical
if you think about it it’s kind of a miracle
drawn together like magnets – how do they work?
and the way you touch my butt drives me berserk.
You wrangle records like a big money rustla
I like Lady Gaga and ain’t much of a hustla
I was born this way, but my heart can grow bigga
if you’ll take my hand and say you’re my nigga.
We never argued
Like I never cried
Like it didn't hurt
And we didn't fall from our pedestal
We'll bury it
For another month
Until the storm once again stirs
Awakening the truth
If we don't fix it
We never will
Truly be okay.
Up the stairs went molly Pratchett,
in her hands a little hatchet.
Squealing loud in girlish glee,
at all the gore that she'll see...
Slowly down the hall she crept,
to the room where her parents slept.
She raised the hatchet over her head
and slowly tiptoed over to their bed...
She sank the hatchet into their heads
until alas they were dead....
Now she sits in a padded cell
where they keep here very well.
They closed the door then they latched it
This ends the tale of molly Pratchett,
OR DOES IT?.................................
"It doesn’t look right," said forty-two-year-old Carla Westman. "Like I’m uneven, like one side is larger than the other and as I’ve gotten older, I think one side is stretching. Before I could close my legs and you couldn’t see anything but now one side peeks through just a tiny bit more than the other, and that just bothers me."…To clarify, Westman, a pharmaceutical rep from Phoenix, Arizona is feeling old. More to the point, she’s blaming her vagina, or labia to be exact. And bizarre as it may sound, she is not necessarily alone.
According to the American Society of Plastic Surgeons, approximately a thousand "vaginal rejuvenations" were performed in 2006 -- the most current year for which U.S. statistics have been compiled -- up 30 percent from 2005. In the United Kingdom, the number of labiaplasties performed doubled between 2000 and 2005, reaching over eight hundred procedures per year. While these accounts may be nothing to write home about yet, the limited data available (no one database records all instances of Female Genital Cosmetic Surgery) do suggest that the procedures, and the demand for such, are growing exponentially.
-Bonnie Zylbergold, National Sexuality Resource Center/Apr.17, 2009
Ladies, fasten your seat belts, because I’m touching down past the manicured knoll of your Brazilian landing strip. I’m passing your G-wax runway and muff diving straight into your lady fingers, from your sunken pearl chest of the Caribbean to your pleasing perineum, a thumb print short of your resplendent ring of fire. Let me be your guide through the sublime world of labia in all its side-splitting manifestations, proving once again, God has the best sense of humor in the universe.
Pan Asian Slit – This pussy which resembles the smug smile of Simon Cowell has small, unobtrusive lips that sit tightly against the pudenda, with its small labia majora draping the man in the boat and the labia minora not outwardly visible. Celebrities sporting this priggish punani include Pamela Anderson, Lindsay Lohan, Heidi Klum, Keira Knightly and Lucy Liu.
Stealth Bomber – Here the lips are a bit larger and perfectly symmetrical like the wings of the B-2 aircraft and flap minimally during periods of extreme turbulence. Despite radar interference, this stealthy pussy has been spotted on Scarlet Johansson, Jessica Biel, Madonna, Christina Aguilera, Katie Couric and Katherine Heigl.
Coochie, Coochie, Coo – These fully engorged labia interminably flap their twin sets of Dumbo-like ears, leaving you with the bill, a splitting headache and blue balls. These yenta hoohas belong to Charo, Joan Rivers, Annie Korzen, Sara Silverman and Sarah Jessica Parker.
Professor Bowtie – The pussy’s inner lips extend beyond the outer only on the upper part of the labia majora and are slightly tinted on the edges. Add a pair of elbow patches to her herring-boned ass, and she will bore you like Al Gore with a slip-and-slideshow on melting ice, drying paint and the plight of the polar bear when Coke withdrew its ad campaign. These platitudinous beavers have been found on Sarah Michelle Gellar, Katie Holmes, Rachel Maddow, Ann Heche and Christiane Amanpour.
The Tuxedo – This formal-wear pussy has some of the markings of the Professor Bowtie but without the stuffiness and rapid finger wagging. Here the inner lips extend beyond the outer on both the upper part and on the lower parts the labia majora, charmingly cinching at the center like an hourglass. Just pin an orchid to her voluptuous ass and she’s ready for the prom. These coveted snatch flappers belong to Angelina Jolie, Beyonce, Jennifer Lopez, Rihanna and Jessica Alba.
The Sow – This pussy stretches like the crumpled smile of a curmudgeon in a New Yorker cartoon. The labia minora are fully engorged protruding past the labia majora like a swollen camel toe on Jihad, hanging from the ham wallet like a cheap suit at an Irish wake. These faux-silk purses belong to Rosie O’Donnell, Roseanne Barr, Kirstie Alley, Kathy Bates and my ex-wife.
Vagina Dentata – Just take any of the pink tacos above, attach a set of great white shark teeth with Polygrip denture adhesive and what you have is the frightful Vagina Dentata, which in some parts of Brooklyn is still confused with the warthog’s song in The Lion King, ‘Hakuna Matata’. These lips flap, ‘the hell with celebrity labia, doctor, just give me a penis’. There’s a Yiddish proverb that goes, ‘As di bubbe volt gehat beytsim volt zi gevain mayn zaidah’, which means, ‘if my grandmother had balls, she’d be my grandfather’. The proverb is at once colorful and irrelevant. These insufferable, ball-busting ivory cock-traps include Hilary Clinton, Megan Kelly, Ann Coulter, Sandra Day O’Connor and the Queen of England.
Bottom line, ‘what’s the perfect pussy?’ From a man’s point of view the answer has changed remarkably little since Neanderthal Man, seeking a bit of strange, shtupped his first hot, wet and tight homo sapien, yanking ather wooly mammoth thong and waving his club. Realizing he would never get any of that quivering action back in the cave with his grub eating wife, he forever tossed in the club, grunted like Rosie O’Donnell at a smorgasbord and became extinct. Now, as for your new, pressing question, ‘which kind of labia does a man prefer to pound?’ Ladies, you can relax. They’re all good! Just listen to Peter, Paul and Mary: ‘The answer my friend, is flapping in the wind, the answer is flapping in the wind’.
Cosmo's Guide to Snapping Hot Cock Shots for your Online Profile
For my related pussy pieces please visit:
The Pussy Song: World's Dirtiest & Most Outrageous Poem
Kids Say the Darndest Things: "Hey little fella', what can Santa get you for Christmas?"
Merkins: Vajazzling Your Vagina