i want to love myself
but i don't know how
drifting in and out
     between the reality and my delusions
trying to search for that vigor
that will to be alive—
to be excited of the sunrise
and feel calm
     soaking under the afternoon sun
and love the changing hues
     of the skies at dusk
and wish the moon a good night
     never fearing the dreams to come
then adore the peeking light at dawn
     reflecting the days waiting to be lived

but then it's gone
all that's left was a monotonous black
accompanied by a crippling silence
followed by the surge of doubts
     storming down my confidence
     its lightning striking
as i look into the mirror
     staring at my silhouette
     with its pieces shattering one by one
just as how, piece by piece
     i slipped into the pit
freefalling
and finally losing
     the will i tried so hard to keep
leaving me with nothing
but a void

Waking up lonely,
Wanting somebody.

Broken from the past,
And a melancholic mind,
That leaves me longing.

I just want to call someone
My one and only,

Instead, I’m haunted
by memories that are
now long gone,

And I’m back to
feeling lost
and empty.

I no longer love you,
but in recollection
I would still use
as many words as before.

an embrace without a lost paradise
your cabaret words like a trance
I walk through the corrosive noise
I find my way to your footsteps on narrow streets
you hardly look back at your traces when they erase your touch from the map of time
so painful the hands left alone
you are touched by a melancholy impossible for some mornings
I am touched by reverie, entropy and memory
next desire on display a stain or a broken destiny
the weight of our shadows unknown
a foreign tissue is carrying the profoundness of thoughts
bear with me this heart tarred with pain

a moon song be the night
when trees remember how deep their dreams run

The future eats me,


which I don't mind, as long as --



I feel the chewing.

A girl passed by, the sound I heard
was fast and flashy like a bird's
A shining flower in her hair
a new song dancing in the air

Perhaps her very heart could twine
on me and then unite with mine
And coming in my depths of night
her glance would put me in the light!

But too outdated is my head...
Farewell, sweet ray that shines on me
your perfume, youth, the harmony...
This happiness had to pass. It fled!

Did I **** myself for you
Just to lose you once again
Did I become a different person
Once I pushed you to the edge

This was not what I expected
When I told you I was spent
When I gave you everything I had
To where there was nothing even left

You abandoned all I was
But this isn't what I meant
When I whispered in your ears
To ask if this was the end

If there was something I could do
Some way to make amends
Because you were my everything
And I loved you as my friend

I mean

When the puzzle pieces fell everywhere
We would pick them up again
Place them all back together
Until we reached the very end

We pushed through the hardest times
Just so that we could get ahead
When we were fighting our depression
We'd be supportive amidst our distress

We played all our weird retro games
Just to see how far we'd get
Maybe beat our latest score
And then do our little dance

We raced to see who was faster
Until we'd both run out of breath
We'd make all these little promises
For things that hadn't even happened yet

But as time went on
We began to forget
Who we were and what made us fall in love

In the first place.

Breath comes
Slow
and
Harsh
Through a filter of
Tar and
age
Comes faster, unbidden unbound un
invited
I stood, days of old and told myself
I
was. done.
Breathing, tar.
I guess
Tar, still holds an ember
In, my, chest.