numbness falls over me;
like a thick wool blanket protecting me from the cold of a dark, winter night

insulated and warm,
my feelings fade away.
yet the coldness surrounding me remains,
constantly inviting me to play.

I wonder how long this numbing will last?
when will the sun rise again and another empty night like this will have fully passed?

returning with the day is the pain of this freezing terrain,
reminding me just how little from the darkness I’ve really strayed;
I know this is only a temporary wait to sustain.

The First man to ever love me broke me
Made me feel I was never enough
I called you daddy but, you barley know me
Raised me to abandon me
For years I longed for you
All I wanted was a message or a call
Don't even know my birthday
And that hurts most of all
So much anger and pain
I'm so ashamed, that you're my father
Lucky enough you still get that name
Because if not that id live my life ashamed
So many words unsaid
So many actions to undo
But I'm over it
So in order to mend things it's up to you

What does it mean to be
Emotionally unavailable?
My manic thoughts keep me starving for
An imagined happy

“Are you single?” They asked
Well, my heart is as open as an old wound
That reopens & bleeds & scars for
Vicarious validation
Yet closed in the sense that it shuts down
Every time it starts to feel something
Almost habitually,
As if in self defense
I guess you could say my heart was a
Twisted & distanced kind of available...

But no
I’m not available in my mind
Because it knows better than my
Feeling *****
The human container that’s headstrong
To it’s gullible nature
My thinking ***** knows that
Vicarious happy is not real happy
Which labels my forehead like a neon sign
Emotionally Unavailable

I crave a validation that looks like your love
But it won’t fix me
Or provide the happiness I
Desperately need for myself

2 a.m. and I don't  understand
can I help you go to sleep?
can I show you how to dream?
your body's full of thoughts but I'll fill your thoughts with me

just tell me something like you've known me forever
because I've never been good at the getting to know you part

tell me something that'll make me remember
because I just can't seem to forget

tell me something that'll make you feel better
because I've never been good at showing I'm there

tell me something like you know it all
because I really believe that you do

talk to me like you waited all day
touch me like you care
hug me like you need some relief
I'll hold you 'til you're calm

you can run through the field 'til your legs fall off
and I'll be your scream into a pillow

you can be the lost kid, hidden in the darkness
and I'll be the darkness that took you

fix me like I'm the drink to soothe you
that way you'll take me in

see I'm pretty broken
and yeah I broke you too
but if we can glue our halves together
the light might just show through

now, sleep
please
show me the way to dream

When you are not near me
  I question where you are.

        When your messages do not find me until late
                  where are they going?

                                   Do they find a home with someone else?
                                            Or do they stay safe with you?

                                                           ­            When you are not here
                                        staring at me with those golden caramel eyes


                                 I can't help but wonder
                               where else they might be.


                                              Do they stay on one path?
                      or do they wander the world
                                      hungry with curiosity?

I can't leave him because he's already been gone.
Truth is, I don't even think he was ever really there.
The saddest part of this, I actually thought he was.
I fixed his broken heart, by giving him mine, and all he did was go back to the girl that had broken his, and now he  is giving her my heart, only so she could destroy it all over again.
I no longer see the good in him, and that's how it always should have been.
I can't wait till I get over him. It's going to be great, he will try to come back and I have to be strong and say " I can't take you back."

I can't be sad anymore.
I can't think of him anymore.
I can't let him be the complete end of me.
I can't let him go.
I can't stop loving him.
I can't stop thinking about him.
I can't keep doing this.
I can't stay strong.
I can't act like I'm fine.
I can't be happy all the time.
I can't be sad all the time.
I can't let the thought of him be the end of happy me.
I can't.....