I could be screaming loud enough
to make birds fly from the trees
and still, you would not hear me

12.09.17

I hide it
like the clouds hide the moon

I hide it
so I can pretend that I'm sunshine
instead of gloom

09.28.20

I meddle with this feeling,

that goes around and around

masking what lies underneath

03.23.20

Sobbing, my mother turned me over to you
Ever so gently you nestled my body into your arms
Silence, I was home

09.14.17

You were never my safe place

You were the dew leftover
early in the morning,
on a brisk windy mountain
slick from storm the night before
asking me to fall over the edge
in my usual clumsy way

I was fooling myself from the start
Hoping you could be that safe place for me,
but you were never meant to be

You caused turmoil
and hate to boil up

I can't seem to forgive myself
for letting you get under my skin

09.13.16

One day you'll find the one
And I'll be a sitting duck
Waiting for scraps the tourist leave

I always thought you were a fling
That you weren't right for me

04.14.21

Restless indeed
Never mind the sleep I need
I can't just lie here any longer
I need to get up
Move myself about
Make a change

2.22.21

Those flirty seductive eyes
that you shine over at me
with that half smile
and those lips of yours,
so full and persistent,
looking for mine
as we rush to disrobe
and how you push me back
so you can ever so slowly
move your delectable tongue
down to do things
I didn't know were possible

It doesn't end there
not for a good while
the tease,
the amazing feeling of you
inside of me
it goes on and on
I can't get enough

Your long hard ****
fills me up to the point
that I want to scream
and then you become gentle
and you slowly,
push it all the way in
deeper and deeper
It's truly earth shattering,
legs shaking
I come for a second time

10.21.19

I'm tortured
like a rescue animal
with no visual damage

I'm that girl looking through the curtains for a wave from a neighbor,
a sign that anyone is out there to care for her

I'm here in tears
with a heavy heart
laying under a dark mask
that I only uncover in the night

In the days,
I keep the pain concealed and put a smile where the sadness should be

I feel this weight upon me,
it's pressing so hard this week
I really can't breathe

I want nothing more than to scream out my woes for someone to hear,
but there's nothing, only air that appears

You are so tall,
I have to stand on my tippy toes
To reach your lips,
And I can't stop myself from doing this

The need since we've met
And looked into each other's eyes
Has been so strong

Those **** beautiful blues of yours
Have me wilted

I think I want to get away from you,
Then hours pass,
And all I've thought of is you

This feeling has me all caught up,
I want freedom,
But I also want to be in your shower, screaming "yes, please"

It's a killer transition
To what I just let go

An incredible change of scenery,
That I enjoy
A ******* lot

I hate you here
I hate you there
I wish not to hate
because I am not one to hate,
but I think about you
way too much
for someone that no longer cares

I think how you were,
the things you asked of me

The things that were said,
the things you screamed,
the pain you charged at me

I still walk by that picnic table
and think of that night
you chased me down
when I wanted to leave

I still look at that park
and think of those nights
full of tears and anguish

The stars we walked under,
barely visible
as if even they knew,
the end was near
the moon shined down a perfect light
for our shadows to leap on

I still drive by that path we walked,
the time you told me things you've
not admitted to others before me

I remember thinking then
that you were a complete mess,
and not mine to fix,
but still,
it was so very hard to let go

It still is,
and after the time that has gone by
I saw your car just the other day
It just set me ablaze

You ruined so many things for me,
you laid out these lies
that I was supposed to trust
you laid out your fear,
your anger
that you held onto deeply
the past,
ours and yours
it rang inside of you like a bell
billowing out like a nuclear blast

I wasn't sure of you at first,
you were adamant
you were misleading
you were comforting,
but the things you became
riveted me in such a way
that I haven't been able to overcome

I'm guilty of a lot things,
but with you I was better

I needed time to become that way
I needed time to heal from the loss I had before you

I wasn't given that time,
and we see the results now

We see the results of two people,
claiming honesty
and getting lies

You're missed, by me
If that wasn't clear today,
It should be

This aching,
the longing
it's awful
and it's been going
on for over a decade

Why did we have to be so young and dumb?
I hate that me

That me ******* up everything,
I know it wasn't truly all my doing

Life got in the way,
I had no idea of my true feelings
until it was far too late

You kept up the charade for longer than I could have
You had such patience,
that I am still in awe of

She's the lucky one now,
I've got a lifetime of memories that I'm sitting on,
while she's got you, physically

I forget
the kind words that
you've spoken to me
before on this very dock
as the birds make their sound

Once you've brought out
your angry grimace,
and you've said things that
are as cold as the water beneath us

I brought us here
to repair what's become
broken, but as I write this
I realized I've been here before

Not the same location,
but the same pain

02.23.16

You've wrecked this,
like a finely tuned
'67 Corvette

The best thing you've had yet
You ******* *******

It will never be the same

All my respect has left,
just like the flame
that's been burning
nonstop for hours
leaving smoke in the wind

You chose to boost your ego
by showing others what's under your hood,
but I ain't bitin'

I know that **** is diseased
I know it doesn't have the power to please

It's full of lies,
and deceit

*******,
you know all that **** is fake,
you know you're a big *** mistake

You're crying now,
because you've realized
I'm not losing a ******* thing

You've lost it all,
there are no remains to be found
it's all reduced to ashes

All those dreams you had for a smooth ride
They've crashed down with this

We've only had one class together,
just one session
ever since then
you have been teaching me a lesson

I failed the test
even asked permission,
for a retake

I doubt what I want to say to you
before I have a chance to speak

You have me schooled
I had you fooled

Unknowingly sealing my fate
after casting the bait
too late

My excuse for not winning
is that I forgot to vote
even though I wrote
my name out on
over three ballots

I'll keep the game up
letting you believe
my heart isn't kept on my sleeve


11.4.11

It's hard with you being away
I want to enjoy the day,
but I can't knowing this pain

I lay here,
just typing these words
like it will somehow delay
what is to come of us

I swear, I haven't strayed
and that's been hard to say
for others before you

Things with us
have been like fire and ice
and I've personally liked it that way

I've never felt so warm,
and so cold at the same time

Clashing over and over
we are broken souls, and yet

I've never felt such ecstasy,
my level of pleasure
has never been so high
not with anyone, ever

If there was such a time
in my life
to forgive someone,
the time is now

It escapes me,
the reasons to hate you
It escapes me,
the reasons to latch on
to what's been done
to what's been discovered
emptied, and won

It's dreadfully cold,
down here at the end of this well
I'm wishing that someone would come by,
and bring me back up to the surface,
but here it is,
the rain has begun
to come my way

As if, I needed anymore
gloom in my day,
the rain has really settled
it's way down
bringing a chill to my spine

I've already fallen down so far,
it's little bit lonely,
here below the ground

I can't even see the sky,
it's so dark,
as if there was a black sheet of smoldered smoke
rising up from the water at my feet
knocking out the light

I found my way here,
by mistake

I had intended for much more,
than this hate

It's erupted to the point
that I have to live in this
emptiness,
down beneath the land that I know
down so far,
where no angels would sleep

09.17.15 12:17 AM

My bubonic plague,
it's not contagious,
but it's a sickness

The darkness seeps in,
like the bad taste of a pepper
on your skin

It's awful,
and it burns within

The pain is so riveting
I can't help but stiffen,
my muscles are aching

It's such a deep sadness,
sometimes I can't feel it
It's as though I let myself be numb,
only for a little while
then at the most awkward times
I feel it all


10.03.15

Trying not to succumb
to sad thoughts,
when you've had your whole life
ripped apart is hard

It's like trying to recreate
a famous piece of pottery
that you've broken,
and the artist is dead

It simply can't be set back
just the same way,
there will be missing parts
and some that won't match
the other pieces,
like a puzzle

That seems to be how life is,
it appears as though we can
repair what's been broken,
but sometimes
it just can't be done

Sept. 16. 2015. 11:00 PM

I'm over here
standing on a side street
off in the dirt
looking guilty as sin,
trying like hell to get cell service
out in this miserable rain

I've had two nightmares come true this week,
and I've had enough of this hell

My mind is wrought with the truth of my life,
and it's awful that it's so real

The greatest thing I can see
from finding out these terrible things,
is now I don't have to hide my true self
from your pathetic eyes

I don't have to pretend
that I'm this committed person,
but that I have an unresolved desire
to be admired

That love is enough
if that's what it was,
I have doubts

If you only knew the real me,
you would probably cry
for all this time,
you've never been enough

It's all been a deep deep lie,
seeping its way out

And I cared,
but you're right
not enough to stick around,
and now you are the one
wishing that I would stay in your life

You can't have it all
You can choose only one,
sadly I've learned that the hard way

We could never be friends after that,
you've tainted your image

The illusion that you were this good guy is gone,
all that's left is the reality
that we are all the same,
some of us may bleed more,
and some clot right up,
but we all bleed someday

It's all nice,
when you two
have your legs intertwined
in the bed
on those cool nights
in the fall,
fire burning to a calm
as you both
begin to fall
too quickly for one another

The very next day,
there comes a stiff withdraw
when you gaze upon
each other
at the supermarket,
standing in the aisle
with your significant other

The look that creeps
on your face,
it is sickenly obvious
that you both
want to switch partners
and whisk away
to the airport
to fly off on holiday

The lie that you share
is screaming to be heard
by the public,
but you both can't bear
to be shamed,
by your family
for your infidelity

July 25. 2015 12:20 AM

You came here to show me your side,
I looked up at the sky
seeing a storm unfold,
surely it would break through soon

I could see that this wouldn't end well,
I would be soaked in remorse
as soon as you uttered those words

Those words,
shaped liked daggers
ready to split me in half

It was never good
when you would raise your voice,
shout at me
as if I were partially deaf,
or a simpleton

You were such a degrading
*******

I had no respect for you,
and you had zero for me

I could see the fire heating up,
behind those ****** **** eyes
that gazed at me
as though,
I were the devil incarnate

You were a melting block,
that nothing
and no one
could stop from burning

The hate,
the anger,
it boiled deep in you

It was like hell
was inside of you

Nothing I ever did
was just right,
and all you ever did
was fight

I was rocking
back and forth,
up there in the tree
that hung its branches
right over the wishing well,
in the backyard
of this old abandoned home

I was thinking
of a time,
when it was just me,
I was alone

I had hopes and dreams,
of a bigger brighter moon
that I could reach for,
and achieve all that could be

And then I fell
from that tree,
I broke what hope I had,
I laid there for a while
as the breeze
took over the leaves

The sky clouded over
and it began to drizzle,
all over the flowers
that were next to me

They appeared as though,
they were writhing with pleasure
for the rain was helping them grow

The beauty,
and the stillness
back there beneath the trees
was wondrous,
the chilling calmness
wrapped around me
like a warm fire
on a fall evening

It was always hard
to leave that place behind

The world is so full of
the constant need for contact,
the tempting screens
showing us what we should be

It sickens me at times
when I want peace,
but the distractions consume me

The times I spent in that tree,
helped me to see what truly matters
in this life,
and it's not the comfort of the tv screen,
it's not the blaring of the radio,
it's not the brand names of useless things
it's not any of those things

Life is continuously growing around us,
and what are we doing,
but losing life in front of a screen,
forgetting what it all means

Whenever I used to wander
away from home
as a child

I would look up at the sky
as I sat by the gravestones,
in this quiet dome

My home space,
I was never sad
never alone

Just at peace
with nature,
and the dead

I wondered,
I did
about the tombstones
made of wood
just blank, baring no names
no flowers on those graves

It was sad,
so I did a very dangerous thing

I borrowed flowers from
the new plot
that was recently laid

There was an abundance of flowers,
for this man who had been slain

I felt he could share with the poor,
Whose tombstones bore no name

It was my innocence
that made me do this terrible thing

Steal from the dead,
I had meant no harm

At that time,
I was simply unaware
of rich or poor

I had simply meant to balance
the flower score

Here I am,
reminiscing of times I've spent with you,
journeys we have taken
moments we have shared

I was simply unaware
of what was to come,
of how my mind would consume me,
and only let me see one side,
to the story of our life together

It's all jumbled up,
in photos
those times that I can see clearly now

It's as if I was looking at us
through a foggy glass
Unappreciative of the comfort,
the safety,
and the love

I fear,
it cannot be undone

But, I sigh
it's a great relief to have loved

I thought this would be easier,
being that I have been unhappy for so long

The memories pour in
like a bad case of diarrhea

It disgusts me
that I spend anytime at all
Thinking that,
what we had wasn't so bad

I have spent countless moments
Pushing the merry-go-round
in my head, until I'm dizzy
And unable to stand on my own

The other day,
I wrote some pretty sappy ****
about our future

Like we really ever had that desire
I honestly couldn't say I aspired
for us to be one with each other

I've been fighting this inner struggle
For years, that I need to find a way
to solve our problems,
but the solution was always this one

I must fight to stay apart from you

I never truly let you in,
but I did get used to your presence in my life

Your dull, blue presence
That quenched any fire I tried to start

I'm following in my own footsteps,
Repeating history
You'd think it was a joke
If I told you the whole truth

My tales are like a really ****** up television show
It's hard to say what motivates me
Other than lust,
And a need for love

I can't say that I regret what I've done
I've had quite a lot of fun

But I've wronged a few men in my day
Gave them every reason to run
They return, simply yearning for more
Until I tell them, they aren't the chosen one

It's rough, I know I've been bad
I've been awful

I do feel sorry for hurting anyone,
But **** I never told them to feel any emotions for me
I just wanted to have a little fun
Be carefree

And maybe that's my issue
I show my true colors to those who I fancy for a moment
But I don't want more than a few rolls in the hay,
A warm night atop some young stud

This seems to get them all excited
As if I am always down for a good time
As if I never have my bad days
As if I could carry us through a field full of freshly blooming daisies every day of our lives

These guys are dreaming
If they believe that

I'm just around for the moment
I'm not here to plant seeds

There is a sad, sad girl
Named Eliza Jane
Who is full of pain
She cries buckets of tears at night
That no one can hear
But she feels them
The sobs cascade upon her
Like a massive wave
That crashes her deeper
And deeper into the darkness

She feels she is drowning
She can't take much more
The pain is too great

There is a man that lays next to her
Consumed in his own dreams
He sleeps calmly
And easily
While she weeps

Her resolve during daylight
Is a huge masquerade
She keeps a smile on her face for the public eye
But when the lights go dim
Her heart breaks softly
Night after night  

She doesn't feel loved,
Not by him

If only someone could take her away, she breathes
If only someone could love her the right way, she dreams

Dec.2014

I never felt so alone in life
Before I met you
I lay next to you at night
And I feel blue
I cry sad tears sometimes
Because you're so subdued

I lose my happy smile at times
When I hear nothing from you

The constant thoughts I have
That this is not really you
That you will improve
They aren't true

I'm alone with you
I'm empty
My excitement is extinguished
When I see you sitting there expressionless
Wordless, you have nothing to say
As usual, I have to fill in the blanks

This corpse lays before me, rotting
I can feel the decay
I can smell the death
I can see old blood stains
But I still hang onto something

Some sliver of hope
That this corpse is still salvageable
That there is still a heart beating
That blood still pumps in this body
That something is still alive in there
There is nothing left

And yet, I can't fathom
That this is really it
That there is nothing left
It's all been bled
And it's all dead

I had an inappropriate dream of you last night
You with your tattoos
The fiery passion
That you exude
The desire that you had for me
It's as though I never stopped lusting for it
St. Patrick's day will never be the same
The way you ****** me up against that wall
No one knew
It was our little secret
I loved it

My demeanor broke
With that one snap,
It was lost that day
Gone for good

My innocence washed away,
The screams vibrated the walls
Your fists tore into the unfinished paint,
The door snapped
You threw it across the floor
Your anger filled the room
Cast in my direction

The numbers that claimed the house
They were already yellow,
As if it knew something I didn't
That there was only decay inside
That I should have stayed away

I was never the one to fix your pain
I was the battered end of a stick
That you swung at often,
With your broken speak
Your hateful language
Of pain that I never caused

The anger billowed from you
Like a forest fire
Not contained
Never quite contained
To burn
And burn,
The innocence I had before you

Perhaps one day
We can start anew
Because boy,
I never imagined my life without you
Back when we were fifteen,
You were all that I dreamed
Could ever be

Over the years,
We've become separate,
But never have we forgotten
The love that we shared

-08.20.13

Don't waste your fears
Or your pain
On another man's bed frame

This frame has wear
From bloodshed
And fame

No life has been led the same

-10.21.11

I feel like a demon
Put on Earth
To make you unclean

I am merely a face
A reflection of doubt
My surface tells nothing
My inner core
Is deeper than
The epicenter
Of the Earth

I won't lock you in
I'll just simmer at the top
Filling you to the brim
Never, never stop

-08.03.11

You are real..
You aren't imaginary
Even though I know that

I can't help, but feel
That one day
I'll wake up
Open my eyes
And see that you were all in my head

A dreamt up
Imaginary waste of time

When you are near
I feel as if I am alone
So why should I believe you are real

Your presence is less than lively
Your words ever dull
I feel no comfort from what you say
Or how you look my way

Your words are like the cafeteria lunch menu
Back in school
Very bland with nothing new to show

Your words are like a record stuck on repeat
The same old lack of enthusiasm
The same lame response
Time after time

Your words drain me
They **** my creative heart
It's as if they set fire to all the things I had hoped you'd say

Your words,
What little you say
Drive me to madness
To tears
To hopelessness

Whenever will you learn?
Expression is what I yearn for,
Passion filled words are my desire
A man unafraid to show his own heart

He's so peaceful
While I'm so full of rage
I'm trying to fight a war
That I've never won

A war before his time
Started nine years ago to be exact

I lost a huge part in the fight back then,
Something I didn't realize
Would affect my world today

It wasn't a fair fight
I was so young, so naive
Even though I believed I was grown,
That I was strong

I realize now, I was weak
I let myself get trampled
I let myself lose

The loss is still going strong
I fake strength
But I'm as weak, if not more than before

I need peace
I need to accept the loss
I need to move on

I need to let myself break down the wreckage
That has slowly destroyed me

It's in the trenches we fall
When our roads get icy

It's in the sky we look
When our world is dry

It's in the fire we look
When life is cold

It's in your eyes I look
When I want to see love

It's in your kiss
That I never want life to end

I'm going to bury myself a hole
And cower there
For all the things I've done
And who I've become

I want to disappear,
And not face the irreparable damage
That I've prepared

It's a waste land
My mind
My heart,
It's been misguided for a beat too long

I've decided what's best
And now I must carry on

It's the sadness that comes along
Surprising me into thinking
That perhaps I'm wrong,
Perhaps I should entrap myself
In this unhappy jail for a longer sentence

That perhaps my heart is right, and my mind is wrong
That perhaps I'm meant for sadness
That happiness is bad

I'm a clean disease,
I attach to you
In a sly way

You don't realize you've been poisoned,
In your veins
In your heart

You don't notice,
That your blood pours out
Lining the tiles of the bathroom floor

You don't see,
The way your skin yellows
Creating your jaundice complexion

You don't hear,
Your breath as it catches
Due to the smoke filling your lungs

You don't feel,
Your heart as it...
Slows down...every minute
Of everyday
The sound of each beat, deafening

I'm a creeping disease,
The symptoms sneak,
They sneak up on you

Breaking you, slowly
Breaking you down
Until you're crashing

All your bones are snapping
Your heart can't take it
It stops,
You eyes rolls back in your head
And you're gone

All that you were is in the past
And I've won
I've beaten the sickness of love

It's my birthday
I'm a year older today,

It's all going by so quickly
My life is sprinting

It has been four years since my family split
The separation of it
Still doesn't fit

I still get upset on major holidays
When I have to choose which one to visit

I still hate the negative tone
When I hear my Father say my Mother's name,
As if speaking of her in a positive way
Would **** him

I'm older today,
Yet, I'm still broken
I'm a clay *** shattered
On the tile floor

I'm still missing some pieces
That fell behind the door

I'm still in shock that I'm twenty-four

Yet, I'm alive and well
I'm young, and breathing...
Although, just barely
The pollen suffocating me

I'm free to be me
I'm not tethered to a pole
I'm not chained to a cell
I'm not knocking on the gates of hell

I'm free
I'm young
It's my birthday today,
I might as well celebrate

These secrets I keep,
Are hidden behind an invisible thread
That I've woven around me

This thread,
Tightly securing
All that I hold deep

The world may creep up on me,
Cast out shadows
That ordinarily...would cause a girl to scream

But, I'm not afraid of the dark
I'm not afraid of much of anything
Other than, letting him see the real me

My *****, gritty insides
The scars that never healed

The decomposing lies
The dust that flickers past my eyes
The ghosts that haunt my mind

It's dark, it's morbid
Maybe too frightening for anyone to see

For once,
I want to rip the thread to shreds
Let the darkness seep out of me,
Like blood in the morgue

I want to bury my fear,
In a deep grave

Lock it up in a tomb,
Bar the doors so I can't look back

I want to show him who I am
Through unfiltered means
Without fear,
Of what could be.

I feel detached,
Detached like dried glue
From you

I feel abandoned,
Left out in the woods
On a cold miserable night
Left alone,
To my own devices

You're consumed in nonsense
You don't speak

I'm here
As I've been
Cold and alone

Yet you don't reach for me
You don't seek me out

You've become a robot in the modern world
While I'm here, waiting for warmth from your words

I'm hearing silence
Bitter silence
My insides are freezing now
I'm succumbing to frost bite
My body can't survive

You've left me alone
For far too long
I'm dying now
Without your words of warmth
Your actions lack what I need
I can't survive here

When the book ends,
the movie ends,
the song ends,
everything is silent,
dead
life returns back to the quiet loneliness it's been.

You've struck a chord with me
One that is so loud I can't ignore

And I'm not sure
If it is cold hard reality
Or just what I choose to see

Perhaps the truth escapes me
A misperception that soon I'll perceive differently
It is hard to tell

I've never felt quite so alone
Empty inside myself

The one who I want
Too far from my grasp
Everyone else, lacking

This world is huge
Massive, just looking up at the clouds is astounding

I realize there are a million other human beings out there
A million other faces that don't make me feel amazed

Misery does not like to be alone
If I could hit a wall in my life
I've struck it hard

There is a man,
A man that I knew as a boy

We grew up as one,
For so long we were together
We were inseparable

Now, he is a man
He is passionate
And driven

As we were,
He never made me want for more
I had no needs left unfulfilled
He completed me

Until one day
We were torn apart,
Not by choice

The distance ruined us as young

This was my only broken moment

It wasn't when I was abused,
It wasn't when I was cursed at

It wasn't when I was afraid for my life
It wasn't when I was choked by a very violent man

It was only when the separation began
That is when the confusion set in

So young, and so in love
Yet told to branch out
Told not to hold on

And now,
Still we are separate
The distance consumes us

Yet here we are
Still expressing our love

Perhaps happiness is crude
And we just exaggerate it

Perhaps you are hopeless
And you meant it

It could be,
That we just weren't meant to be

Not together,
Not ever

Your passage in my life
Wasn't designed
It was a flaw

We are human
We make mistakes

It's all okay
I've got the same to say about you

You came here
And tried to hide your pride

But I saw the brick in your hand

You can't smash my head in
That is not the design

This thing you have is a sickness

You need help
And I'm not a therapist

These tears are a basket of lies
Just meant to disguise
All the hatred inside

The hopelessness
The fear
It's all right here

I'm holding it near

These tears
Are unbecoming
For a young lady
Fully fit to provide young

With her well rested
Birthing hips
She could provide well
For a man wishing to continue his name

She cries in the corner
But it's okay

This is a man's game
Women are just the pawn

Gotta love,
how all dem taxes
get taken out ya funds
given to those
with no income,
those who choose to feed
off our *****
like the young

I must be losing my grip*
The love is flowing
Like a free reign hurricane
No barriers

It's like the New Orleans flood
This mess is destructive